


The Lucky Ones

by wintermoon



Category: Glee
Genre: Dubious Consent, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-09 10:43:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 104,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintermoon/pseuds/wintermoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.</p><p>NOTE: There will be some dubious consent involved. It shows up in chapters 21 and 22, may be referenced in future chapters as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So it Starts Like This

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers; poetheather, tangledhair, kelshei, and thestoryofelle.  
> I am actively writing this with a few chapters ready (or nearly ready) to post. I hope to update about once a week after the first couple chapters.  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating: NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

**The Lucky Ones – Chapter One: So it Starts Like This**  
 _So it starts like this  
And ends real quick  
But what is speed  
If you don't move an inch?  
\--The Lucky Ones, Val Emmich_  
http://www.6lyrics.com/the_lucky_ones-lyrics-val_emmich.aspx

 

September 28, 2012

Kurt was trying to be patient, really he was, but if the damn plane had tried to hold him any longer he might not have been responsible for his actions. He had three glorious days off work and he wanted to enjoy every moment he could with Blaine. Oh sure, seeing the family would be wonderful too. He hadn’t seen them since the summer. But Blaine’s last visit was six weeks ago and Kurt needed to see him now. He cursed the airport security that wouldn’t let Blaine meet him directly at the gate. The TSA had no idea what they’d done to romance and the classic emotion of the tearful goodbye and the heartfelt welcome home.

He zipped around a slower couple and hurried to the turn in the corridor. He saw Blaine almost the moment he turned, but Blaine was looking the other way checking the status board. Kurt was content to slow down, enjoying the warm feeling he got in his gut as he walked closer to his goal. Just seeing Blaine made him feel better. He couldn’t believe anything less than this could be called love. Blaine turned just as Kurt neared him and Kurt braced himself for impact, gathering Blaine in his arms.

“Oh, god, I’ve missed you so much.” Blaine whispered hoarsely as soon as he wrapped his arms around Kurt.

“I’ve missed you, too.” Kurt took a deep breath, inhaling Blaine’s scent, happy to be home. He pulled his head back to offer Blaine a smile and was surprised when Blaine grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him into a slow, loving kiss instead. Kurt felt his shoulders drop and the tension drain from him as he reveled in the kiss. 

After a moment, Blaine stopped and stepped back, holding on to Kurt’s hand. “So, baggage claim?”

“Um, no” Kurt glanced around, please to see that most people weren’t looking their way and only one person seemed to be bothered by their display. “Did you forget that we’re in Dayton?”

“Did you forget that I don’t hide my feelings well?” Blaine smirked back.

Kurt couldn’t do anything but smile. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

 

November 3, 2012

Blaine was up to his eyeballs in homework and still needed to find time to study for exams. His entire Saturday would be spent like this, well, until 7:30 when he had a Skype date with Kurt. Nothing would get in the way of his time with Kurt. He almost regretted signing up for the night classes, but when he thought about surprising Kurt with his early graduation, he knew it would all be worth it. After the holidays, he’d be able to move to New York, to be with Kurt. He’d talked to Santana when he visited in late September, and she was on board with the plan for Blaine to move in, and swore she wouldn’t tell Kurt about it. The glee club was still upset that he wouldn’t be with them for Nationals this year, and he was nervous that one or more of them would spill the beans, but thankfully, Kurt hadn’t shown any sign of suspecting anything. Blaine started slightly when his phone rang, and didn’t even bother to stop the smile when he saw Kurt’s name on the screen.

“Hey baby! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until tonight.”

“Hi” Kurt sounded very somber, and since he’d been pretty stressed for the last week or so, it was worrying Blaine a bit.

“How are things going? Has Elaine gotten any easier to deal with?” Kurt’s boss had been rough for him to get used to, and he said he often felt like he was struggling to keep up.

“Um, yeah, she’s… she’s fine. Listen, Blaine,” Blaine heard Kurt take a deep breath and it sounded shaky.

“Kurt? Baby, are you okay?”

“We… I need to tell you…”

“What is it, love? You know you can tell me anything. What’s wrong?”

“Stop, Blaine. Just… wait a minute… we can’t…” Blaine heard another sharp inhale and thought he heard a tiny sob.

“Kurt, you’re scaring me. What happened?”

“I can’t be with you anymore.”

No. No, he didn’t just say that. He couldn’t have. That doesn’t make sense. He … we love each other … we’re perfect together. He… 

“What?” It was more of a breath than an actual word, and some tiny little calm part of Blaine’s mind was surprised he could still breathe at all. He felt like he had a vise around his chest, forcing all the air out, cutting off the circulation maybe. That would explain the sudden dizziness, the blurred vision. The audio hallucinations. That’s it. Maybe he really had heard Kurt wrong because he had a brain tumor or something. That would make more sense.

“I said… I c-can’t be with you anymore. It… It’s over.”

Yes, a brain tumor would be preferred over this. “Kurt, you can’t mean that. What did I do? What happened?”

“Nothing, Blaine. You didn’t do anything. I-I swear.” His voice was so quiet, so sad, but with a tone of anger in it, and Blaine couldn’t understand that.

“Then why? Kurt, please you can’t just do this. You said we’d be okay. I’ll come visit more if the distance is …”

“It’s not that. It’s just not going to work. You’ll be okay. You’ll find someone better.”

Blaine couldn’t help the wry chuckle at the very idea that there could be anyone better than Kurt. “That’s not possible” he finally said. “I – Kurt, I don’t know what’s happened, but I know it’s been hard, being away from each other. I was going to surprise you at Thanksgiving… I’m graduating in December so I can come to New York early. I’ve already talked to Santana about it. We’ll be together so soon.”

“No.” Kurt interrupted, and Blaine thought he heard a tremor in Kurt’s voice. “No, we won’t. I’m sorry Blaine, but I c-can’t be with you anymore. I have to go now. I’m sorry.”

And just like that, Kurt was gone. The line went dead for a moment before Blaine’s cell phone recognized that the call had ended and went back to its standby mode. He looked at it, willing it to ring again, trying to believe that Kurt hadn’t really just broken up with him. After a few minutes, he dialed Kurt back; there had to be a way to work this out, to fix whatever had gone wrong. His call went to voice mail, though. 

“Kurt? Kurt, honey, I don’t know what’s happened, or why you feel like we can’t be together. If it’s something I did, I swear, I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t mean to… I don’t even know” he sniffled, which was actually his first clue that he was crying. “I love you, Kurt. I – we’re supposed to be the ones who make it. Remember how we talked about it? How lucky we were to meet? We can still be the lucky ones, Kurt. Please call me back. Please? I love you.”

Blaine paced around in his room for a while, crying and sniffling, wondering what else he could do, how he could fix this and convince Kurt it was a mistake. After a while, he tried texting Kurt, hoping maybe Kurt would be willing to return a text even if he wasn’t willing to answer a call.

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 3:42pm: Please talk to me about this. I love you. We can make it through anything._

When that didn’t get a response, Blaine kept trying.

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:01pm: Kurt, baby, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I swear we can work it out. I believe in us. I love you._

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:06pm: Did something bad happen to you? Please let me know you’re all right, and tell me what’s going on. I love you. We can’t break up. I can’t let it happen._

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:15pm: You’re not alone, are you? I mean, something’s wrong, and you shouldn’t be alone when something’s wrong. Is San there with you? Can you talk to her? She can tell you about my plans and how good things are gonna be._

_To Santana: Nov 3, 4:17pm: What’s wrong with Kurt? What the hell happened. He won’t talk to me. Please let me know he’s okay._

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:20pm: I love you so much. I know you’re upset right now, but whatever’s wrong can be fixed. We’re not supposed to end like this._

_From Santana: Nov 3, 4:21pm: Can’t help Blainers. He won’t talk to me either. Did he say something to you? I haven’t talked to him since yesterday._

_To Santana: Nov 3, 4:23pm: Oh god, San, you don’t know? He just called here and broke up with me. He wouldn’t even tell me why, but I know something’s wrong._

_From Santana: Nov 3, 4:24pm: What??_

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:25pm: Come on baby, please talk to me. I love you._

_From Tina: Nov 3, 4:26pm: I’m coming over. Why don’t you think to call your friends when you need us?_

_To Tina: Nov 3, 4:26pm: ok_

_To Santana: Nov 3, 4:26pm: Thanks for spreading the news, San. Has he said anything yet?_

_From Santana: Nov 3, 4:29pm: Hummel’s still ignoring me, locked in his room. I can hear movement, so I know he’s alive, but he won’t let me in. Let Tina mop you up, and I’mma work on taking this door off the hinges._

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:38pm: Kurt, baby, please. There’s nothing we can’t get through as long as we try. We love each other too much._

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 4:39pm: oh god, you don’t love me anymore, do you. Oh god_

That realization, even just the possibility of it, struck Blaine like a hammer in the chest. Thor’s hammer, to be exact (and it was moments like this when he hated the way his brain worked – who thinks of movie references when their life is falling apart?) He thought they could work through this, thought they could talk about whatever had gone wrong and make it better and be okay again, but the idea that maybe Kurt didn’t love him anymore broke those dreams. He couldn’t understand what would have caused such a change so suddenly. They’d just talked on Thursday evening. They texted on Friday, but Blaine had late rehearsals for Regionals and Kurt was being dragged to a work party or something. Everything had seemed okay then, and they’d both confirmed their Skype date. Blaine skimmed through his phone just to be sure he hadn’t missed something important in his texts.

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 1:53pm: Hey sweetie! Having a good Friday?_

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 1:59pm: I am now! You always know how to make my English class more enjoyable. How’s work today?_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:04pm: Elaine’s driving me mad as usual. I’m redesigning two costumes for the show, and I’ve got to have the new ones made by Tuesday. I’ll be busy with it most of the weekend._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:05pm: Does this mean no Skype tomorrow?_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:07pm: No! I’m gonna make sure I’m free then. 7:30. I’ll be there!_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:12pm: Are you still okay with that time?_

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:15pm: Yeah, sorry, got stopped by Coach Sylvester in the hall. That woman gets weirder all the time._

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:17pm: lol – I didn’t know that would still be possible. Everything okay?_

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:18pm: yeah, fine._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:20pm: She called me ‘The Boy Who Lived’ this time – it was … odd. But now I just have to sit through the last of Calc and it’ll be time for rehearsal. Mr. Shue wants to rehearse late tonight since we’re singing for homecoming soon and Regionals is coming up._

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:23pm: lol – you do look a little like Potter, I guess, but without the glasses._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:24pm: I could rock the glasses if I wanted to_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:25pm: I have no doubt of that. I miss you._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:28pm: I miss you too. I can’t wait until Thanksgiving! Just 2.5 weeks until I can see you and hold you and kiss you and…_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:30pm: Yes, I’m looking forward to fucking you, too, my love._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:36pm: You shouldn’t say things like that when I’m in class. It draws far too much attention when I’m choking back my desire and blushing red hot like that._

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:37pm: But I love to get that reaction from you!_

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:40pm: Save it for when you can see the reaction in person._

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:47pm: Reactions via text are MUCH larger than they appear…_

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:48pm: ??_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:50pm: It was supposed to … car, side mirrors, joke, fail (clearly) Sorry._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:51pm: lol okay, I’m caught up now. I love you._

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:51pm: I love you, too._

_To Kurt: Nov 2, 2:54pm: End of class – I’ll be busy rehearsing for the next couple hours. Have fun at your party (if possible) and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Love you!!_

_From Kurt: Nov 2, 2:55pm: I’ll try, but it’s a work thing, and you won’t be there. Love you so much. Skype, 7:30pm, tomorrow, can’t wait._

And that was it. He couldn’t imagine what had happened between 2:55pm on Friday and 3:01pm on Saturday when that phone call came in. How could Kurt have stopped loving him in 24 hours? And the moment he asked himself that question, he thought back to the last time he’d thought Kurt didn’t love him anymore.

 

March 14, 2012

The phone kept buzzing and Blaine finally decided it must be something urgent, so he picked it up to check it for Kurt. 

_From Chandler: Mar 14, 7:35pm: When we go to New York, let’s go to the front of the plaza and reenact the end of The Way We Were._

_From Chandler: Mar 14, 7:37pm: Can you sing into my voice mail? I want to make your voice my ring tone. :D_

‘Who the hell is Chandler?’ Blaine wondered. He knew he was prying, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself as he scrolled through Kurt’s message history and discovered that he and Chandler had been texting back and forth for days. He recognized some of the time stamps as glee practice and finally understood what Kurt had been so busy with in there. 

_From Chandler: Mar 13, 7:51pm: I am pretty sure you were Cleopatra in another life. You’ve got a great asp!_

And the day before that…

_From Chandler: Mar 12, 11:43am: Are you an astronaut because your smile is out of this world._

He felt like his stomach was doing backflips and he was going to lose his dinner. When Kurt finally came back in, he couldn’t help himself. He had to know what was going on. There seemed to be only one answer, though. The evidence was right there on the screen.  
Kurt was cheating on him.

 

November 3, 2012

That must have been it. Kurt had found someone else. He’d nearly done it before, when Blaine got a little distant last spring, and now, with the physical distance and Blaine being so busy with night classes and rehearsals and everything… their daily Skype sessions had slipped to just a few times a week, and yeah, he probably hadn’t been texting as often this last month or so. He hadn’t thought it was this bad, but that had to be it. Kurt found someone else, probably some super-hot New Yorker with his own place, maybe someone in college, or someone working at the theatre company with him. Someone who wasn’t still stuck in Loserville, OH in high school. Someone worthy of Kurt’s beauty and talent and love. He’d been afraid this would happen, but now that he was less than two months from graduating early and moving there, he’d started to lose that fear. Of course, as soon as he let his guard down, that’s when his life fell apart.

He mentally ran through their last several conversations, trying to remember if Kurt had mentioned anyone that might have captured his attention. Bill, the leading man in the play they were working on, or Eddie, the neighbor that Santana mentioned once, complaining about his string of loud fuck-buddies. Of course, it could easily have been someone else. There was no telling, and ultimately, it didn’t matter. Blaine couldn’t really think about it. The idea of Kurt being with anyone else was just too painful, and if that’s the way it was going to be, it would be best to just stop thinking about it as quickly as possible.

_To Kurt: Nov 3, 5:16pm: Kurt, I think I understand now. I’m sorry I let you down, and I hope you’ll be happy with him, whoever he is. I’ll always love you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you._

God, that text broke his heart to send, but he knew that if Kurt hadn’t responded to anything by now, he was set on this. He knew Kurt so well, knew how his mind worked and how determined he could be. He knew Kurt wouldn’t have done this unless he meant it, and he certainly wouldn’t have ignored all those messages if there were still a chance in hell they could work it out. Blaine also knew himself. The quicker he accepted it, the better off he’d be. He took a deep breath and started trying to convince himself that he could get through this and it would all be okay. Then Tina tapped on his bedroom door and offered him a smile and a pint of Phish Food Ben & Jerry’s and that’s when he completely fell apart.


	2. As Far As the Eye Can See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it. 
> 
> Many thanks to my beta readers; poetheather, tangledhair, kelshei, and thestoryofelle. 
> 
> I’m still quite actively writing, and hope to update about once a week. So far I’m looking at about 35,000 words minimum (just in case you want to know what you’re getting into) in probably 12+ chapters (honestly, it gets longer every day, so don’t be surprised if these estimates end up low).
> 
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.
> 
> Music: I recommend actually playing the song you’ll come to mid-chapter.
> 
> Warnings/Rating: eventually - NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> this chapter - PG

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Two: As Far as the Eye Can See

On the edge of a moment,  
In the land that we love,  
In the time that our best has to be good enough,  
Like all those before us, we start out alone,  
We race from our schoolyards, into the unknown  
City lights, as far as the eye can see,  
You and I, we will live differently

\--The Lucky Ones, Brendan James

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCiGMOJtFcs&feature=mr_meh&list=PL962BBFBF91B54357&playnext=0

June 21st, 2012

Kurt leaned against his dresser, clipboard in hand, checking off his packing list for New York. He’d been trying to accept that he’d be in Ohio for another year. He was almost okay with it. He could get more experience, build his application to make it more impressive, and he wouldn’t have to be away from Blaine. It wasn’t his original plan, but he thought he could be happy with it. Then, on a whim, he applied for a couple workshops and internships. He’d been more than a little conflicted when he was suddenly offered a spot in a July workshop for costuming, but Blaine reminded him that they’d planned on him going to New York anyway, and they would be fine.

Kurt and Santana secured a small apartment together, since Rachel would be in the dorms at NYADA. He’d decided to get to New York early so he’d have a week to settle in and learn his way around before the workshop started. Now, he was less than 48 hours from his departure date and he felt like he wasn’t ready. He was nervous and sad, but he didn’t have the time for either. He kept checking things, and wondering if there was something he’d forgotten to put on his list, but deep inside, he already knew what was missing. He didn’t even have to look at the pile of boxes and suitcases ready to load into his Navigator to know that Blaine wasn’t there. It was harder than he’d thought it would be to really accept that they wouldn’t be together, in touching or kissing or hugging distance, for at least two months. Kurt was hoping to come home or find a way for Blaine to visit New York at least every two months. They both knew it would be stupid for Kurt to pass up this opportunity and the connections he’d make, though Kurt had seriously considered it last week when he’d nearly had a panic attack at the thought of leaving Blaine’s house. Kurt slumped down to the floor, thinking about how amazing Blaine had been that night, how easily he’d calmed Kurt’s fears.

Kurt was upset, feeling like it was unfair of him to want Blaine to wait a year for him, but once he finally admitted that aloud, Blaine pulled him in for a long, close hug. “Just breathe, love.” Kurt still felt his knees wobble when Blaine called him “love” and this time was no different. He nearly broke down again, thinking of how long it would be before Blaine could hold him like this again, but Blaine’s hands rubbing his back kept him calm. He did as told, and took a deep, slow breath, relishing the scent that was pure Blaine – a light mix of fresh and soapy with a touch of musk and a healthy dash of pure pheromones. It calmed Kurt, and he reminded himself that it wasn’t really a year. It was about nine months because Blaine would come to New York right after graduation. Well, closer to ten since Kurt had to leave early. Dammit, why did he accept the workshop? Because it was the best thing for him, and they both knew that, and Blaine was okay with it. And they’d see each other as much as possible. They could make it through that, couldn’t they? With a love like theirs… Kurt took another breath… together they could do anything.

He didn’t know how long he sat like that, eyes closed, trying to hold on to the memory of that hug from Blaine. He kept breathing deep, hoping he could trick his mind into the smell so he’d be able to take that with him.

“Kurt?”

He looked up in surprise. “Blaine?”

“We did say one o’clock, didn’t we?”

“Is it really one already? Shit, I’m sorry. I just… I got lost.” Kurt stood up, offering Blaine a shy little smile, hoping for a solid hug right now.

“Is everything okay?” Blaine stepped closer, putting one hand on Kurt’s arm and one on his chin, forcing Kurt to meet his gaze.

“I don’t want to be away from you, but I keep telling myself it’ll be fine. It’ll be over before we know it.” He took a deep breath, only barely aware that he was pulling Blaine closer to him by the waist. “We have plans to visit, and we’ll talk all the time, and it’ll be okay. Right?”

“Right.” Blaine smiled. “We can do it.” And then Blaine was kissing him and Kurt knew it would be okay. How could it not be okay when their kisses made him feel like this?

Just as their kiss was reaching a high simmer, Kurt pulled back slightly. “I love you, and I love making out with you, but if you actually want to do this night out thing tonight, since I have to leave so early Saturday morning, then we should probably get going. You keep holding me by my back pockets and kissing me like that, and we’ll be finding a place with no parents or siblings so I can ravage you.”

Blaine smiled and looked down shyly. Somehow, Blaine couldn’t understand just how hot he was, but Kurt took plenty of pleasure in trying to prove it to him. Before he could start trying now, though, Blaine stepped back. “You’re right. We should go. We have reservations.”

“Reservations?”

“Yes, reservations. Now, here’s what you need to pack. I’d have packed it for you, but I’m sure I’d get something wrong and I didn’t want anything to mess this up.”

“I have to pack?” He glanced at the list. “And this is an overnight event?” He looked back up at Blaine, nervous, but raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend’s obviously nefarious plans. “Well, that explains why you demanded we do this on Thursday night.”

“Yes, and um, your Dad already knows.”

And then both Kurt’s eyebrows were trying to hide in his hair. “He what? I mean, you … you talked to him about … about us and overnight events?”

“Not exactly. I talked to Carole. I needed someone to help me make sure the dates and times I wanted would be clear. She suggested it because it would have been a late night otherwise. I guess she could tell I was worried about your dad because she said she’d talk to him. The next time I was over here, she pulled me aside and said it was all okay.”

Kurt leaned back against the dresser again, nearly stepping on the clipboard he’d left on the floor earlier. “Wow.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. True, he was eighteen and didn’t really need permission to spend the night somewhere else, but he hadn’t expected his Dad’s blessing. He really had gotten lucky in the parent department, and with Carole, too.

“And then there was convincing my parents. That took a little more work, but … hey, you’re not packing yet. We need to be out of here in less than an hour, so the longer you stall, the faster you’ll have to pick everything out.”

“You know me so well.” Kurt smiled and pulled his overnight bag from under the bed. He’d already packed his travel toiletry kit for the trip to New York that weekend, so he just needed to find clothes for tonight and tomorrow. He couldn’t help but notice that pajamas were listed at the very end, almost as an afterthought. He thought it might have even been a different pen. The lines looked slightly thinner. He smiled at that and grabbed a handful of condoms while collecting his clothes. It could never hurt to have too many.

Finally, Kurt had all his things together and Blaine grabbed the bag and gestured toward the door. “Am I allowed to know where we’ll be spending the night? Or what we’re doing?”

“Not yet.” Blaine smiled at the back of Kurt’s head, “But I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“I’ve never been on a surprise trip before.” He reached the bottom of the staircase and turned to give Blaine a shy smile. “It’s incredibly romantic.”

Blaine nearly stumbled down the last couple of stars and Kurt felt a flutter in his stomach from the knowledge that he could make Blaine, the amazing, gorgeous, insanely talented, sweet, goofy, utterly loveable, incredibly sexy Blaine, lose his footing. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he’d been to find Blaine, and yes, Kurt knew that every teen believes their first love will last forever, and he knew that most of those teens were proven wrong before they could even finish high school. But he also knew that he and Blaine were totally meant to be. There was no doubt for him that he had already met the love of his life, his soul mate, his other half, at the young age of 16.

“Okay,” Blaine said as he headed toward the interstate, “I know better than to ask you to wear a blindfold because it would leave a crease in your hair. So, I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that you’ll be able to see where we’re going. I’m just going to tell you once that I will not answer any questions about our plans for the evening. Is that understood?”

Kurt smiled at that and nodded his head sharply. “Yes, sir! You will not answer any questions about our plans and I will not have a ghastly hairdo.” He was a little nervous, wondering what Blaine had in store for them, and trying desperately NOT to think about the fact that his father knew they would be spending the night together and what that would probably mean. He knew his dad knew he wasn’t a virgin anymore, but it seemed like it would be weird to know, like, actually know that your child is having sex on a specific night. Of course, most parents would know that on their children’s wedding night, but maybe… god, did normal people even think like this? He shook his head and reached for the stereo controls. “Music?”

Blaine nodded happily and settled into his seat and rested his right hand on Kurt’s leg. They spent the drive to Dayton singing along to an eclectic mix of show tunes and top 40 (Kurt secretly loved the fact that Blaine made sure his mp3 player always had songs he knew Kurt would like, and a variety of them, to adapt to changes in mood or circumstance) and giving each other loving glances. Kurt spent several chunks of time absently singing while he thought about that hand resting on his leg. He thought about how it should seem odd to get so much from the touch of Blaine’s hand on his thigh. It wasn’t sexual at all, and his hand was just above the knee anyway. It was just a simple touch, no movement, no slow caress, no pressure, just there. Just There, and it made him think of them, of Blaine and how he was there like that, there in Kurt’s heart, in his life, in his blood. He’d never been so certain of anything as he was that Blaine was the most perfect match for him, and that knowledge filled him with feelings he couldn’t quite find words for, and the heat of Blaine’s hand, just resting there just above his knee, it seemed to reflect those feelings back to him, letting him know on some almost subconscious level that Blaine shared that certainty. Through that hand, Kurt could feel love, affection, joy, desire, comfort, connection…

“Penny for your thoughts?” Blaine’s voice cut through the haze of Kurt’s thoughts and he smiled across the car.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Blaine smiled and squeezed Kurt’s leg a couple times. Kurt loved the fact that he could recognize the affection inherent in that action. Loved that he and Blaine had this kind of connection, this understanding or knowledge about each other, that they just clicked like this and got each other. “Is that really what you were thinking?”

“That’s the Cliff’s Notes of what I was thinking. And will I have plenty of time to dress before our plans begin?”

“You should have about an hour and a half before we need to leave for dinner.”

“You are so thoughtful.”

“I try.”

And they slipped back into the comfortable state of singing instead of talking, immediately sharing parts on the upbeat song from ‘A Chorus Line’ that had just begun.

 

Kurt was thrilled with Blaine’s plans for the evening so far. They’d checked into a King Deluxe room at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Dayton, and Blaine allowed the promised time for Kurt to shower, redo his hair, and put together a suitably fabulous outfit for the evening. Blaine had also showered and changed, carefully combing his gelled hair into place as usual. As they approached the elevator on their way to dinner, Blaine surprised him by pressing the ‘up’ button.

“Where, exactly, are we having dinner, Blaine?” But all he got in response was a smile and a quick squeeze of his hand.

The elevator opened to a simple but elegant lobby and Kurt followed Blaine as he turned to the right and led them down a short hallway and through a set of double doors. Kurt couldn’t help but smile as he saw the restaurant. It was quiet, sophisticated, and surrounded by windows offering a view of the Dayton skyline. “I know it’s not your favorite skyline, but I thought the city lights would be a nice view for dinner.”

“I love it. I love you. Thank you.”

The hostess approached and Blaine said “Anderson, reservation for two.” She checked her book and smiled at them both.

“Yes, Mr. Anderson. We’ve got your requested table waiting for you. Please, follow me.” She walked them to a table situated neatly near one corner of the restaurant, giving them what was arguably the best view in the place.

They made googly eyes at each other after placing their order, held hands between the salads and entrees, and shared bites of Kurt’s seared salmon and Blaine’s grilled chicken with lemon-caper butter. They decided to share the orange soufflé with vanilla sauce for dessert and Blaine excused himself while they waited for it to arrive. Kurt gazed out over the city, watching the lights pop on across the area as the sun dipped lower and lower on the horizon. He’d been mindlessly tapping his fingers in time to the unobtrusive background music from the nearby lounge section of the restaurant, but it took him a moment to realize the tone of the music had shifted. Instead of quiet jazz, he heard a few guitar notes, and a couple of harmonized “ooohs.”

Kurt turned to look at the source of the music and his breath caught in his throat as he realized Blaine was standing on the stage. He didn’t really know the song, but he thought he vaguely remembered his parents playing it when he was little.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3kInrBauaE)

I can only give you love that lasts forever / and the promise to be near each time you call / and the only heart I own for you and you alone / that’s all / that’s all

Blaine was singing directly to him, and Kurt was caught up in the lyrics, the look in Blaine’s eyes, and the smooth tone of his voice. After the first verse, Blaine stepped off the stage and carried the mic with him, slowly walking toward their table, and Kurt felt his heart rate speed up. He got lost in Blaine’s gaze and swallowed roughly when Blaine kneeled next to Kurt’s chair on the last few lines.

If you’re wondering what I’m asking in return dear / you’ll be glad to know that my demands are small / say it’s me that you’ll adore / for now and ever more / that’s all / tha-at’s all

To think, this was the same guy that said he was no good at romance. Kurt really couldn’t have asked for something more thoughtful and romantic than this date.

As the song ended, Blaine reached out for Kurt’s hand and placed a kiss on his knuckles, gazing directly into his eyes the whole time. Kurt smiled and blinked back happy tears. He still couldn’t believe he was so lucky as to have someone as special and amazing as Blaine.

The other patrons applauded and Blaine gave a few half-serious bows as he returned the mic to the stage and came back to their table. Kurt couldn’t help but notice more than a few of the ladies in the restaurant were obviously smitten with him, and Kurt just couldn’t be happier to know that Blaine was his.

“That was… unexpected.”

“I wanted to make this evening special, and I feel like we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t communicate through song sometimes, you know? You, you didn’t mind, did you? Was it too cheesy? It was too cheesy, wasn’t it?”

Kurt chuckled and shook his head. “It was perfect. I was a little nervous at first. I mean, this is still Ohio in 2012, but you got me all caught up in it and I forgot to worry.”

“Good. I don’t want you to worry.”

“And amazingly, it doesn’t seem anyone is offended by it.” Kurt looked around again, still half expecting someone to be giving them disgusted looks. I wonder if this is what it will feel like in New York all the time? he thought.

“Won’t it be awesome when the day comes that we’re not surprised by tolerance and equality?” Blaine heard the words come out of his mouth before realizing that he was indirectly referencing marriage equality and therefore marriage. They’d never had a serious talk about it, and he wasn’t sure he wanted them to now. If they made any plans of marriage it would be too much pressure on the newly-long-distance relationship, but if they talked about it and didn’t make plans to do it, it would strain their confidence and cause trouble. Why the fuck did I have to say that? I didn’t want to get all political tonight anyway.

“Hm-mmm” Kurt hummed around his spoon, taking much longer than necessary with that bite, pretending to savor the vanilla sauce when really he was trying to catch his breath. Just because Blaine mentioned equality doesn’t mean he’s trying to talk about marriage. I was thinking about equality, too. Equal treatment. That’s all he was talking about. He took a sip of water and carefully scooped up another bite of the soufflé.

“I was just thinking I wonder if New York is like this. I think it would be great to go out to dinner, hold your hand, kiss you on the street, and not have to worry about getting shoved into the nearest wall. When did you say you’d be coming to visit?”

And Blaine sighed in relief. What could have become an issue hadn’t even come up. They talked about his August visit, and what they would do together, and made a note to buy some earplugs for Santana. From what they’d heard, the apartment wasn’t very large.

“I love you.” Blaine never felt like the words expressed it enough, but he kept trying.

Kurt smiled. It was the slow, almost shy smile of pure joy that he got every time Blaine said it. It lit up his eyes. “I love you, too.”

They finished off the soufflé quickly and Blaine paid the check before grabbing Kurt’s hand. “We should get going. It’s just a short walk, but we don’t want to be late!”

“Late for what?”

“The next event of the evening.”

“There’s more?” Kurt honestly couldn’t imagine anything else could make this date more perfect. Thankfully, the evening had cooled off enough that the walk wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a warm summer evening, but not scorching like Ohio could get sometimes. They talked about the architecture and how they’d both enjoy walking through the city streets of New York more. Kurt was hesitant to comment about New York because he knew it had been a sensitive subject in the past and he didn’t want Blaine to think he was too anxious to leave. But Blaine picked up on that.

“It’s okay, Kurt. You’ve earned this, and it’s been your dream for so long. I know I freaked out about it for a while, but we’re okay, we’re perfect, and we’ve got a plan to make sure our relationship stays strong. Just relax and enjoy this.” And at that, he turned to enter a building and Kurt looked around, pulling his focus from Blaine long enough to search for a hint at what was to come. The moment he saw the green and black shape, he knew exactly what they were doing.

“Wicked? You got us tickets to Wicked?”

Blaine nodded.

“Oh my god, Blaine, how are you even real? This is like rom-com levels of awesome perfect dates.”

Blaine laughed and squeezed Kurt’s hand in response before heading to Will Call to pick up their tickets.


	3. And We're Gonna Be Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter NC-17. 
> 
> They had to finish off that awesome date, didn't they?

Chapter Three: And We’re Gonna Be Fine

_This moment is yours, this moment is mine, and we’re gonna be fine.  
\--The Lucky Ones by Brendan James_

June 21, 2012

Blaine enjoyed the show, but not half as much as he enjoyed watching the expressions on Kurt’s face, listening to him quietly sing along – not loud enough to disturb other audience members, but enough that Blaine could hear it. He could feel Kurt buzzing, the joy of being in the audience almost as strong as being on the stage. Kurt really came alive in theatre settings, no matter whether he was singing, dancing, acting, watching, designing sets and costumes – he loved it all, and it was obvious and one of the things Blaine loved about him.

They walked the few blocks back to their hotel, brushing hands once in a while, but otherwise not touching. Blaine kept reminding himself to focus on tonight and not think about the fact that Saturday morning just after sunrise, Kurt would be leaving the state and Blaine wouldn’t get to be with him for nearly two months. His parents had agreed to a weekend trip just before school started for the fall, but that wouldn’t be until August 10th. Kurt’s hand brushed against his again, and they shared a sideways glance that pulled Blaine quickly back to this night, when he was here with Kurt and they would have no interruptions. They could forget about the outside world and just enjoy each other. Blaine fully intended to take advantage of that.

Kurt had barely closed the door when he felt his light scarf being pulled gently. He turned and felt his world shift in the heat of Blaine’s gaze.

He enjoyed the pressure of Blaine pushing him against the wall as he slowly, ever so slowly, leaned closer, gazing deep into Kurt’s eyes with the occasional glance at his lips, his neck, his ear. Kurt suddenly felt a flutter of nerves, as if he were that innocent, self-conscious, never-really-been-kissed boy he’d been before Blaine. It was almost overwhelming. He’d forgotten how exhilarating it was to just _feel_ everything so intensely, and he was amazed and thrilled that Blaine could still make him feel that way after nearly a year and a half. He sighed and let his eyes flutter closed as Blaine’s lips finally met his in a slow and frustratingly light kiss. It was sweet and gentle and romantic as hell, but it was also a horrid, torturous tease and Kurt tried to lean forward just a little to get more contact, more pressure, more _Blaine_. He whimpered – _did I actually just whimper?_ – just a little when Blaine pulled back at the same rate, keeping their contact light and innocent. 

Blaine loved knowing that he was driving Kurt crazy. It was probably his favorite part of their sex life – learning new ways to increase Kurt’s enjoyment, to elicit new noises, and more of the _actual_ sexy faces he made when he wasn’t trying (though even when he was trying, he no longer looked ill like he had before they’d started dating). He knew Kurt wanted more, so he intended to tease, just a little at a time, building the tension so that by the time they actually got around to the traditional erogenous zones, Kurt would fall apart and be putty in his hands. He wanted to spend the whole night showing Kurt just how special and amazing and loved and wanted he was.  
Blaine kept his torso and one arm holding Kurt against the door, but pulled his hips back to limit the contact there. It would be difficult to keep Kurt from grinding if he could get enough contact to feel how much Blaine wanted him. He raised his right arm and very, very gently brushed his fingers down the side of Kurt’s face, over his jawbone, tickling at his earlobe for a moment. Kurt shivered as Blaine’s fingertips caressed the length of his neck and slipped under the collar of his shirt. He pulled back a little, breaking the light contact between their lips. “Tonight, I want to really take my time with you. I have so much to show you Kurt. So much love for you,” he whispered.

“You love me so much you want to torture me?” Kurt breathed as he reached for Blaine, one hand on his waist, the other on the back of his neck, rubbing lightly through the ends of his hair, encouraging the gel to loosen so he could play with it. He pulled Blaine towards him and they both inhaled sharply as their lips met. It wasn’t a crushing, desperate kiss – not yet anyway – but it was filled with such love and desire it made Blaine’s knees wobble. As they kissed, Blaine started slowly walking backwards, hoping he was heading in the direction of the bed. He backed into the desk, knocking the pad of courtesy stationary to the floor and stumbling over the corner of the desk chair.

“Maybe we should walk to the bed separately, you know, for safety’s sake?”

Kurt laughed, “you’re probably right, but I don’t want to let you go.” He did loosen his grip, though, and allowed Blaine to turn around so they could move toward the bed without further injury. As he leaned against the edge of the bed, Kurt started trying to undress Blaine, but every time he reached for the buttons, or the belt, or even the vest, Blaine gently captured his hands and held them still. 

“Whhhyyyyyy are you doing this, Blaine?”

“I told you. I want to take my time with you. Let me love you.” He kissed Kurt again, quickly, but softly. “Please?”

“How can I refuse a request like that?” Kurt sighed dramatically before his smile snuck through. He was feeling overwhelmed, almost nervous about what Blaine might have planned for him, but he honestly couldn’t say no when Blaine said such romantic things. “What would you like me to do?”

“Just sit, let me show you?”

Kurt looked into Blaine’s eyes, the same honey-amber-sandstorm colored eyes that had been making him crazy since the met at Dalton, and he saw the love there, and the hope that he would do as Blaine asked. He cupped his right hand around Blaine’s neck and pulled him close for a gentle kiss. He’d intended to keep it short and then sit as requested, but Blaine didn’t seem to want to let go yet. He licked across Kurt’s lip and Kurt gasped and then moaned when their kiss deepened. Blaine was resting one hand on Kurt’s waist, thumb gently brushing back and forth just above Kurt’s pants. His thin summer shirt didn’t dampen the sensation much, and Kurt felt himself tremble slightly at the touch, and the faint tickling feeling that just made him want more contact.

He gave in then, to the sudden desire to be a little less… vertical. Blaine leaned down, following Kurt down to the bed, placing one knee on the bed next to Kurt’s hip. Leaning over Kurt, his other leg lying between Kurt’s knees, hovering just above Kurt’s crotch. He rolled up Kurt’s body, leaning in from knees to lips in succession. The pressure against Kurt’s arousal cause him to buck his hips and tighten his hold on Blaine. He had one hand entwined in the loosening curls, the other pulling around Blaine’s ribcage, reaching for his shoulder to put their torsos closer. They both moaned at the new contact and Blaine ground against Kurt’s hip and pressed his leg in _just so_ before slowly, very, very slowly easing off, pulling away until they were just barely touching, pulling back his kiss until it was just featherlight on Kurt’s lips. Kurt whimpered and opened his eyes.

“Blaine…” 

“Wow.” It was just a whisper. Blaine was gazing into Kurt’s eyes and seemed to have forgotten the rest of the world.

“What?” Kurt felt breathless. He often felt that way with Blaine anyway, even when they weren’t being intimate, but this was more, somehow.

“Your eyes. I can’t help getting lost in them. Sometimes when we’re apart, I can’t get your eyes out of my head. You know how they say the eyes are the window to the soul? Well Kurt, if your eyes are any indication, you have to have the most beautiful, complex, amazing soul in the world.”

Kurt just blinked a little, and tried to catch his breath.

“I’m serious. Your eyes are like a sunlit lightning storm over the ocean.” 

Kurt felt himself turning red. “I still can’t get used to the idea that someone like YOU would think of me like THAT.”

“That’s what I keep thinking about you.”

“And that’s why we’re the lucky ones.” Kurt pulled Blaine back down for another kiss, relishing the fact that they could take their time, that they wouldn’t have to worry about family or curfews tonight. They’d only had the chance to actually spend a whole night together a handful of times, and Kurt loved every moment of it from casual domesticity to the hot, breathtaking sex, to the comfort of Blaine’s presence as they fell asleep still being there when they awoke the next day. “I love you.” He just murmured it between kisses, wanting to express how much it meant to him that they’d have this amazing memory to carry them through their time apart.

And then Blaine’s lips moved across Kurt’s jaw and down the side of his neck, tongue flicking lightly, teasing Kurt and triggering so many responses, and Kurt wasn’t thinking anymore. He gave in, like Blaine had asked, and just gripped the bedcovers to avoid ripping Blaine’s clothes off. His eyes rolled back in his head as he felt teeth graze over his Adam’s apple before that tongue flicked in the hollow just under it.

“oh god”

“No, it’s just me.” Blaine chuckled quietly as he began undoing the buttons on Blaine’s shirt, kissing each newly exposed bit of skin – warm, soft, kisses with relaxed lips and a tiny lick once in a while. Kurt was writhing with the sensations, straining upwards in search of more contact. Blaine relented, moving down to press his lips against the bulge of Kurt’s slacks, which earned him a lovely gasp and moan. Kurt made the sexiest damned noises, and it just made Blaine want him more.

“You are a god.” Kurt let go of the blanket with one hand and moved to touch Blaine, resting on one firm bicep as Blaine held his weight up. Kurt groaned again – _how did I score such a sexy man?_ – and leaned up to place a kiss on that muscle. He loved Blaine’s arms. They were strong and solid, very masculine and sexy, but also loving and gentle, and not over-bulked. Right now, though, they were covered by fabric.

“May I?” Kurt looked up at him, touching the front of his vest with one hand and the top button of his shirt with the other. The question was clear. 

“Yes.”

Kurt slowly slid the vest off Blaine’s shoulders, letting his fingers run over those broad shoulders and firm muscles. 

Blain swallowed as Kurt reached up, fingers brushing against his neck as Kurt started on the buttons. By the second button, he couldn’t stand it any longer, and pulled Kurt in for a kiss. He inhaled sharply without breaking the kiss when Kurt undid the third button and reached in to brush his hand through Blaine’s chest hair. The shirt was soon being slowly pushed over his shoulders and down his back and Blaine looked up to smile at Kurt. Once his arms were free, Blaine wrapped them around Kurt, bringing them together, skin to skin. It always took them a moment – they both liked to just enjoy the contact, the extra sensations in a hug when there weren’t clothes between them.

That hug slowly developed some kissing of necks and shoulders, and some caressing of arms and backs. They lay sideways and scrambled for belt buckles, zippers, and shoelaces – interspersed with the occasional grope of someone’s ass. Once Blaine had Kurt’s shoes and socks off and pants open, he took a breath and slowed himself down again. He pressed Kurt over to his back gently, kissing him and stroking his stomach slowly, just brushing past the almost-ticklesh-yet-somehow-incredibly-arousing spot he’d discovered just below Kurt’s ribcage. He shifted so that he was directly over Kurt again, moving slowly as if he literally wanted to kiss and caress every inch of Kurt’s body. He’d spent several minutes nibbling and kissing Kurt’s neck, moving down to his chest, flicking his tongue over the tight pink nipples, running one hand up and down Kurt’s arm and side. He felt the slight shiver every time he touched that spot, and then he let his mouth follow along and press a ghost of a kiss there.

“nguuhhh, B- Blaine…”

Blaine smiled against Kurt’s lower rib. “Shhhh, just let me love you.” He continued his attentions, licking, nibbling, kissing, and touching to the point that Kurt felt he could come from this if it continued much longer. He’d long ago lost the ability to form words and was just focused on how amazing Blaine made him feel.

“mmmmm – Aaaahhh!”

Blaine smiled at how the low, relaxed, comfortable moan had turned into a quick, louder, excited gasp when he quickly swirled his tongue across Kurt’s belly button, dipping in briefly. That was new. He hadn’t really paid that much attention to Kurt’s belly button before, and didn’t remember them discovering this as an erogenous zone. He decided there needed to be some research on the subject, so he moved to rest his elbows by Kurt’s hips, pressing his chest against Kurt’s straining cock. He loved the quick, shuddering breaths Kurt took with each lick of his navel, but he couldn’t ignore the heat and pressure building against his sternum. Everything was so arousing, Blaine had to take a deep breath to reign in his feelings, to make sure this wouldn’t all be over before it really started.

Kurt gripped the blankets again, trying to really experience every sensation of the night. He loved that Blaine was doing this; that he wanted to make it special. It spoke to the romantic in him and he couldn’t help but love Blaine even more for knowing that. The loving touches were so hot, it was something he’d taken a while to reconcile in his mind – that even as an incurable romantic, he could really appreciate sex when it came with such love. He couldn’t understand how other people did casual sex, but he was so happy to have found someone like Blaine, who felt the same way he did. He almost couldn’t tell exactly where Blaine was touching, kissing, and licking because it seemed to be everywhere and his senses were ramped up and overwhelmed. 

Still, Kurt vaguely felt Blaine moving and was almost coherent enough to begin to imagine what he was doing when suddenly, his pants and briefs slid down and he felt Blaine’s tongue quickly run all the way up his shaft.

“oh god Blaine”

“Sorry, I was planning to wait on that, but I just couldn’t help myself.” Blaine’s lips brushed against Kurt’s cock while he spoke, but then he pulled back to finish removing the pants, taking the briefs all the way off with them. Kurt leaned up on his elbows and looked at Blaine, significantly eyeing his still-on-and-closed pants.

“I think the least you can do to make up for it is to remove the rest of your clothes.”

Blaine smiled and stood up straight, acting very proper. “Well, if that’s what it will take to earn your forgiveness and assuage my own guilt over such spontaneous reactions, I suppose I must acquiesce to your request.” He added a tiny little bow at the end.

Kurt just rolled his eyes and sat up to help with the removal of the offending pants. “You choose the strangest times to be a dork.”

“But I’m your dork.” Blaine smiled as he kicked his pants off and stretched out on the bed, pulling on Kurt to lie next to him.

“Yes, you are my sexy, talented, funny, beautiful, amazing dork, and I love you. Now, I believe you had a plan? A romantic and very hot plan that was interrupted by a dork?”

They laughed together as they drew in for a kiss, the fading bits of their laughter swallowed up by the sweet moans and breaths as they deepened the kiss.

Minutes later, they shifted, pulling closer to touch and stroke and caress while they kissed. Their passion built slowly as they took their time, really exploring each other. Kurt gasped when Blaine finally stopped teasing at his thigh and swallowed Kurt’s cock. Blaine moaned when Kurt flicked his tongue over a nipple and couldn’t help but thrust his hips when Kurt grabbed his ass. Kurt cried out and nearly pulled the headboard off its wall bracket when Blaine sank down on him, torturously slowly and so hot and tight around him. Their movements were slow and gentle, and they paused a few times just to delay the end, to stretch out the enjoyment. They lay there, Blaine surrounding Kurt in so many ways and Kurt wanted it to be like that forever. Finally, when they’d let the sensations build for so long, and they were so close, it turned frantic - time and tenderness forgotten in the heated _need_ for release.

As they lay there, both gasping a little at the exertion and the intoxicating after-effects of a really good orgasm, Blaine took a moment to look at Kurt, smiling, knowing that one day they would be having amazing sex in some other hotel room, and it would be their wedding night.

 

June 22, 2012

They were both blissfully worn out on the drive home the next day, having spent much of the night and part of the morning sharing their affections repeatedly. Kurt was perfectly content to ride along, eyes partly closed, relishing the feel of Blaine’s hand on his thigh. He was looking forward to New York, but knew it wouldn’t be home to him. Home was with Blaine, but thankfully Blaine would be coming to New York next May.

Blaine turned up the music just a little and started singing along. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_qSuVCOTQc&list=UUjXVh945R0z4rpI6pYCQ1iQ&index=8&feature=plcp

_You and I / We will live differently / With our hearts in our hands / Like loaded guns / We’re taking a chance / We’re the lucky ones / This moment is yours / This moment is mine / And we’re gonna be fine._


	4. So Strange When You Face the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers; poetheather, tangledhair, kelshei, and thestoryofelle.  
> I am still currently on schedule to update every week. Enjoy!  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating (overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Warnings/Rating (this chapter): NC-17 for sex

**The Lucky Ones – Chapter 4: So Strange When You Face the End**  
 _One last requiem of love straight from my heart_  
As the seams begin to stretch and pull apart.  
Bathe in the memories of all that you have ever seen;  
So strange when you face the end.  
\--The Lucky Ones, by Amy Studt 

 

November 6, 2012 – Lima, OH

Blaine sat in the back of the choir room, barely even aware of the rest of the club talking about their choreography. Tina walked away from Brittany’s third demonstration and sat down with him. “Hey, any word?”

“No.” He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about anything, but he knew Tina wouldn’t let him get away with that. “And I don’t expect there will be. You know how Kurt is. He’s made up his mind about this and is probably busy with some amazing big city guy now.”

“You don’t know that. Have you tried to talk to him? Tried calling again?”

“No, not since Saturday, but he has my number. He’ll call me if he wants to.”

Tina smiled sadly and offered what comfort she could by squeezing his hand.

 

November 3, 2012 – NYC 

Kurt turned off his phone after the second text message from Blaine. He would have to delete them later, but he couldn’t deal with them right now. He poked around his room some, putting away the photos of Blaine, of New Directions with Blaine, of the Warblers with Blaine, of family with Blaine, of him with Blaine. This was going to be hard, pulling Blaine out of all the crevices of his life. 

He’d just shoved a bunch of photos into a drawer and was busy playing all the songs that reminded him of Blaine. Kurt never thought he’d be that guy after a breakup, but in this case, he wasn’t just being an angsty masochist. He deserved this. He deserved to remember what he’d screwed up, and just how good he’d had it. He listened to “Teenage Dream” and thought about Blaine’s friendliness. He listened to “That’s All” and thought about Blaine’s romantic side. He listened to “Candles” and thought about the thrills he’d had that week rehearsing with his brand-new boyfriend. He listened to “It’s Not Right, But it’s Okay” and thought about what an idiot he’d been and what a horrible person he was. 

He jumped at the sudden banging on his door, but didn’t say anything. Maybe Santana would think he was gone. “I know you’re in there Hummel. I heard you moving shit. I also know what just happened and it’s time you get your pretty-boy ass out here and talk to me.”  
He heard her phone chime with a received message. Ahh, Blaine must have contacted her to see what she knew. He hadn’t thought about that. Hadn’t thought about the fact that everyone else would know they broke up. Blaine wouldn’t be the only one to ask for a reason, but Kurt just couldn’t tell anyone. He’d never been truly ashamed of himself, not for anything he was or anything he did – not until now.

Santana knocked on the door again. “Come on, Kurt. You need to talk to someone. At least let me know you’re somewhat okay?” When he didn’t answer, he heard her slump against the door with a sigh. “Look, I know it’s hard to be away from him. I miss Brit, too, but you guys are … okay, I know I give you shit, both of you, but I hope you know it’s just… it’s like, how I say I like you. I respect you guys. You and Blaine, you’ve got a real thing going on there. It gave me hope for Brit and me. Frankenteen and Berry never really had that, maybe the Changs did, but you guys, you’ve had each other by the Warblers since the day you met, and you’re supposed to be singing together in a little old people’s choir when you’re 80. If you think something’s bad enough to give that up, you should at least talk about it.”  
He heard her phone chirp again, and sat there quietly, trying not to dwell on the ideas she’d presented. He’d always thought that, too, that he and Blaine would grow old together, as happy as they’d been in high school. But he couldn’t think about that now. He had ruined his chances at a happily ever after, and he just had to adjust to the life he’d earned.

 

November 13, 2012 – NYC

Rachel came by again, just as Kurt got home, almost as if she’d been watching him. She’d been doing this almost every day for the past week, and he sincerely hoped she would stop soon. He didn’t have the energy for it. 

“I haven’t heard from Finn in almost two weeks.” She paused, waiting for a reaction, but Kurt just continued his afternoon routine, putting away his bag, putting on a pot of water for tea, hanging up his coat and scarf. “I was getting a letter every week for a while, but I guess he’s gotten really busy now. He’s supposed to be done just after Thanksgiving, I think.”

Kurt pulled out two mugs, the assorted tea collection and the honey bear. He just had to get through the next hour or so and then he could convince Rachel to leave and he could retreat to his room and have his private breakdown.

“You seem to be very in touch with him considering he’s your ex-fiance.”

“We’re seeing what happens. We’ve been in love for a long time, Kurt, and just because we’re in different places right now – both physically and emotionally – doesn’t mean we don’t still care.” She paused, and Kurt knew what was coming next. “It’s like you and Blaine. You still care about him, right?”

He just closed his eyes and tried to withhold the sigh of frustration. 

“Kurt, you have to talk to someone eventually.”

He just looked at her and cocked one eyebrow.

“I mean it Kurt. We can see that you’re not doing well, that you’re barely eating, you have no social life. You just go to work and hide in your room. That’s not healthy, and neither is dropping your _amazing_ boyfriend who _loves you madly_ , and then refusing to give anyone an explanation!”

“I don’t need to give you or Santana an explanation. It’s not your business.”

“But it really is Blaine’s business, and you didn’t tell him either. That’s not like you, Kurt.”

“People change, Rachel. People often find, once they get away from home and high school, that they develop interests and habits they never would have dreamed of. Now listen, I have a headache and my boss wants new sketches in the morning. Can I please kick you out early tonight?”

“Fine, but only because you actually talked to me for a moment, and you did ask very nicely.” She offered him a smile and gave him a brief hug that he only halfway returned.

As soon as Rachel was gone, Kurt dumped both cups of tea, untouched, and went to his room to spend another evening trying to forget that his life was falling apart.

 

November 21, 2012 – Lima, OH

Blaine was surprised by the name on his phone. His first thought was that something had happened to Kurt. He answered quickly. “Yes? Hello?”

“Blaine, it’s Burt.”

“Mr. Hummel, is Kurt okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah yeah, nothing’s happened. I do worry about how much he’s working lately, though. We hardly hear from him. Anyway, I was just calling to make sure you’d be here for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Carole’s already started the cooking.”

“Oh, um, I didn’t think…”

“Look, kid, we know you two are a package deal, and even though Kurt’s not gonna make it because of work, you know you’re always welcome here on your own, too. You’re family. And that reminds me, I keep telling you to call me Burt.”

“I’m sorry, um, Burt, did Kurt not tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“He, um, we’re not a package deal anymore.” He couldn’t stop the sudden rush of tears that came with those words. _Dammit._ He’d thought he was doing better than this.

“What? I don’t understand. What happened?”

“I honestly don’t know, sir. It was his decision.”

“I’m sorry son. I… I never expected that. Your parents are out of town, aren’t they? I know they travel a lot at the holidays. You’re still welcome to come over tomorrow. Kurt won’t be here, Finn’s leave doesn’t start until next week, it’s just us here and we’d love you have you.”

“I…” Blaine felt his throat close up, realizing that he’d lost more than just Kurt. “I just don’t know. I’m not sure I’d be very good company.”

“That’s okay. Tell you what, you just come on over if you feel like it at all. We’ll be here and I know Carole will have plenty of food.” Blaine heard him sigh. “Look, you need anything, anything at all, you let us know. Me and Carole, we think of you as family. This doesn’t change that.”

“Thank you” Blaine struggled to get the words out. He’d been suppressing, that’s all. This was his grief coming out again, uncontrollably. “I think I need to go for now, though.” He heard Burt say something else, recognized the comforting tone, but couldn’t really focus on the words. He turned off the phone and lay down to wish himself to sleep so he wouldn’t have to think about this anymore. He didn’t want to think about losing Kurt. He didn’t want to think about the distance he now felt from Kurt’s family that he’d grown to love so much. He didn’t want to think about his original plan to surprise Kurt this weekend with his early graduation news. 

Without really thinking about it, Blaine picked up the photo of him and Kurt standing at the edge of Battery Park, the Statue of Liberty behind them. In the frame with it were a receipt from Ellis Island and his ticket stub from Wicked, the first show either of them saw on Broadway. They’d gone to it during his first visit to New York. The memory would have made him smile if it weren’t such a painful reminder of how amazing Kurt was and how deeply he’d believed they were perfect together.

 

August 3, 2012

Kurt was giving himself a manicure while Skyping with Blaine. It might not be the most sexy thing in the world, but he liked the idea of them being comfortable enough to spend time together and enjoy each other’s company even while taking care of such mundane things. Sure, when they first started dating, he would have preferred Blaine to assume he had a magical elf that came in and made his fingernails and toenails look perfect with a wand and a rainbow, but it simply isn’t realistic to want to share your entire life with someone and try to keep all the beauty tips a secret. Blaine was fidgety, he’d already gone from drumming on the back of his guitar to walking through the empty house with the laptop (giving him a weird reality-movie-steady-cam vibe) to laying on his stomach facing the laptop and watching Kurt.

“So what shows have you seen? It’s gotta be awesome to have all of Broadway right there.”

“I haven’t.”

Blaine sat up quickly, looking at Kurt like he’d grown an extra nose. “Why not? The rush tickets aren’t that expensive, and I hear they’re not bad seats.”

Kurt shrugged, “I don’t want to.” He switched to a finer buffer and shifted to keep his foot from falling asleep underneath him.

“Kurt?” Blaine raised an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing, silly.”

Kurt watched out of the corner of his eye as Blaine reached for the teddy bear with the bow tie. It had been Kurt’s gift to Blaine for their anniversary. “So, Rachel hasn’t dragged you to a show yet?” 

“Rachel’s only been here for a few days.”

“Yes, but she’s already been to three shows. She hit a matinee of Annie and an evening show of Bring it On yesterday, plus her dads took her to see Chicago the night they moved her up there. Kurt, why are you hiding something from me?”

Kurt looked up then, fully looked up, surprised and worried by the tone in Blaine’s voice. He sounded so hurt. “What? Sweetie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re upset about. I swear there’s nothing wrong.”

“Then,” Blaine took a deep breath, obviously trying to regain his composure. Kurt had forgotten about his nails and was intently watching the screen, waiting to find out what was worrying Blaine. He watched as his boyfriend fiddled with the bear’s plaid bow tie, untying and retying it mindlessly. After the second retying, he looked up and allowed another deep inhale. “Then why haven’t you been to a show yet. I know it’s not that you don’t want to. You’ve told me dozens of times about all the shows you wanted to see and how much you would love living near the theatre and being able to go see those shows all the time. If you’ve been there almost six weeks now and you haven’t been to a single show, there’s got to be a reason – there’s got to be something wrong.”

Kurt smiled then, the slightly shy smile Blaine didn’t see very often anymore. “Baby, breathe. It’s okay. Nothing’s wrong, Blaine, except that you’ve forgotten an important part of those conversations.”

“What?” He untied the bow tie again, slowly, unconsciously.

“That I wanted to go see all those shows with _you_ , and I would be so happy when _we_ were living near the theatre. I’ve dreamed of two things all my life, Blaine. Theatre and the perfect man to love me. I’ve got you. I can’t imagine you not being with me for my first time seeing anything on Broadway.”

“Kurt…” Blaine put a hand to his heart with an expression that was something between touched, sad, and amused, and it made Kurt’s heart flutter just a little.

“Sooooo…” he smiled into the webcam. “I hope you won’t mind seeing Wicked again. I know it hasn’t been that long, but this time we’ll be at the Gershwin.” Kurt looked at him coyly. “You know, I’ve sung on that stage before.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard that before,” Blaine grinned. “And I’d be thrilled to see Wicked again, or anything else you wanted to take me to see. I’m just trying not to count down the minutes until next weekend when I can finally see you again!”

 

February 13, 2013

Kurt knew that Blaine was in town. Rachel made sure to let him know that Blaine, in fact, had taken his room at Santana’s and was attending NYU. Kurt was plodding along at FIT and happy that he’d managed to get a roommate who was quiet and stayed away a lot. He spent most of his time alone, but still got bombarded by Rachel and Santana. It was their fault he was here now. It was their fault he suddenly couldn’t breathe because of the burly guy in the leather that had been a lot more forward than Kurt was used to (and might have reminded him slightly of Karofsky), and because of the tightly gelled hair that was dancing across the room. Kurt couldn’t help but hear Humphrey Bogart in his head as he thought to himself “of all the gay bars in fucking New York City, he had to come to this one tonight.”

He couldn’t stop watching, and wasn’t even surprised at how strong the longing was, but he slowly made his way toward the door, ducking behind other people whenever it looked like Blaine might be looking his way. He just really couldn’t handle a confrontation at this point. 

 

March 10, 2013

Blaine was happy to attend the theatre department’s spring break party. He had been getting more and more depressed in the past few weeks as his and Kurt’s anniversary approached, angry at times, ever since he tried (for the last time, he swore to himself) to get in touch with Kurt. Whenever he started feeling depressed again, he held onto that anger, embracing it as he danced. Right now he would be happy to drink and dance and forget. Especially that last part. He’d love it if he could ever get it to last just a little longer, but so far, thoughts of Kurt returned ridiculously fast (if they ever really left at all, which he was entirely unconvinced they did).

Not known for making wise choices around alcohol, Blaine knew he’d probably had more to drink than he should have, but wasn’t that the point? He’d been pining over Kurt for four months now. He was supposed to be a free and fun college student, hence, the drinking. As he was dancing, he tried to ignore the lyrics of Adam Lambert’s “If I Had You” and just concentrate on the beat. It had a good beat, and after one more shot of tequila, he felt like he could give himself over to that beat. He slowly became aware that someone seemed to be dancing especially close to him so he finally opened his eyes. It was George from his acting class, a very nice looking ethnic guy, Native American and Hispanic, George had mentioned before.

He smiled a little, more to acknowledge George’s presence than anything else, but George took it as an invitation and moved forward to dance with him, grabbing Blaine’s hip and guiding him into some synchronized grinding. Blaine felt a crushing in his chest as he thought of Kurt, but he pushed it aside. Kurt didn’t want him anymore, and if George did, who was he to say no?

Blaine put all his drunken mental power into enjoying the feelings and actively NOT thinking, and before long, George had pulled him off to one of the other rooms of the house, mumbling at him the whole time; “You’re so hot,” and “I’ve wanted you for weeks.” They were pressed up against the wall, rutting together and kissing roughly, and Blaine just wanted something that would drown out the pain inside. He pulled George back by the hair, glancing at him briefly, trying to reconcile that he was doing this with someone other than Kurt. “Oh Fuck, yeah.” Finally, he made a decision and dove back in, biting and sucking at George’s neck, glad he couldn’t really see the olive complexion that would be so unfamiliar to him. George fumbled a bit with Blaine’s pants, but soon had them open and was rubbing the heel of his hand over Blaine’s erection. “Oh, you’re so hard.”

Blaine tried not to listen to him. It was the wrong voice. It was too obviously the wrong voice and he didn’t want to think about that. He thrust his hips into the waiting, eager hand, nibbled lightly at George’s neck again and moved up to suck on his earlobe and growl a request in his ear.

“I want you to blow me.”

George was happy to comply, and Blaine got gratefully lost in the sensations. His pants were quickly pooled around his ankles and Blaine felt heat through his underwear. His cock twitched at the contact before George pulled it out and swallowed him.

“Nnggyuh” Blaine grunted and his hands flew to George’s head. He thought he could feel the tequila sloshing in his brain before all sensation zoomed in on his cock and the hot wet tongue that kept swirling around it. George’s long thick hair felt wrong in his hands, but he didn’t let go. He almost pushed a couple times, wanting to thrust hard and fast, and when George pulled off to undo his own pants and said “you can hold tighter. I like it” Blaine gave in, holding him firmly, snapping his hips in the heated suction. As George stroked his own cock with one hand, he moaned around Blaine’s in a smooth, tantalizing vibration. The endorphins kicked in and Blaine felt better than he had since before that phone call from Kurt. He thrust a few more times and grunted when George grabbed his ass and pulled him closer. He felt the swallowing contractions at the head of his dick and his eyes rolled back in his head as the orgasm overtook him.

George pulled back and smiled up at him, wiping his mouth with one hand, the other still pulling hard and fast as he got closer to coming. Blaine watched him get off then pulled him up for another rough kiss. “That was fun.” George said, his voice just a little rough.  
“Yeah.” He let himself get lost in the post-orgasmic, drunken, haze. He zipped his jeans and headed back to the party, wanting to get even more lost in the rhythmic beat of the club music they were playing downstairs.

 

March 11, 2013

“Shit, San, what did I do?” Blaine whined as he flopped down on the couch.

“You had a little sex. Blaine, it’s okay.”

“Of course you’d say that, but I don’t just ‘have a little sex’ Santana!”

Santana swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath before she sat down on the coffee table, knees up against Blaine’s, hands reaching for his.

“You didn’t until last night. Last night you had a little sex with a guy in your class. You didn’t do anything wrong. This guy didn’t expect a commitment, right?” Blaine shook his head no. “And you didn’t hurt anyone or do it against his will?” Again, no. “And you weren’t cheating on anyone, and as far as you know, he wasn’t either, right?” And then Blaine’s eyes dropped.

“It felt like it, though. After, I mean.”

“That’s just because you’re more of a girl than I am and you don’t know how to separate your emotions. Kurt’s dumb, but that’s not your fault. He’s not yours to be faithful to, anymore. And now that you’re on your own and single, I need to teach you some things.”

“Um, Santana?”

“You’ll be glad one day.”

“But we’re both gay.”

Santana rolled her eyes. “I’m not planning an interactive demonstration for you, dummy. I just want to make sure you’re prepared in case you do become a little gay energizer bunny.”

“What?”

Santana’s features softened and she suddenly looked somehow younger but older at the same time. “I… I don’t talk about it much, but everyone knows that back in high school I did a lot of sleeping around. I finally figured out that a lot of it was because I was trying too hard to be what they expected. I’m a girl and I was a cheerleader, so I was, like, almost required to date a football player, but I was into girls. So I tried too hard and instead of a football player, I slept with the team.” She smiled a little, tilting her head down and to the side. “It took me a long time to realize what I was running from and do something about it. I hurt people by cheating, or being a part of cheating, and I guess I kinda feel bad about that since a lot of those people ended up being my friends for some damn reason.”

She sighed, shaking her head slightly, as if trying to shake away her regrets. “Anyway, I’m no stranger to casual sex. I have Brit now, but I still don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘just a little sex’ on two conditions. One was always my number one rule back then – don’t be stupid about it. That means wear a condom. Make him wear a condom. And don’t swallow.” Blaine’s eyes widened in worry thinking about last night. “It’s okay if he swallowed. You know you’re clean, but you don’t know about them.” He relaxed and wondered if he should be worried that she could read him so well.

“My second rule is a new one,” she continued. “Don’t be such a bitch. That means not cheating, and not sleeping with anyone else that you know is in a relationship.”

“That seems obvious.” 

“It would to you, but until Brit I never really got why it’s important to be faithful.” Blaine smiled sadly and reached out to hug her.

“Thank you.”

“Shut up.” Her loving tone made him smile as he rested his cheek on her shoulder.

“He really isn’t mine, anymore, is he? It’s really over.” Santana blinked back tears at his defeated tone. She didn’t even want to imagine how much this must be hurting him.

“Yeah, it really is. I’m sorry.” She squeezed him tighter and he closed his eyes, seeking the next level of acceptance in his mind.


	5. It Wears You Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
>  Many thanks to my beta readers; poetheather, tangledhair, and thestoryofelle.   
> I’m still quite actively writing, and hope to update about once a week. So far I’m looking at about 40,000 words minimum (just in case you want to know what you’re getting into) in probably 15+ chapters.  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Music:_ I recommend actually playing the songs as they appear in the text.  
>  _Warnings/Rating (overall):_ NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
>  _Warnings/Rating (this chapter):_ PG-13

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Five: It Wears You Down

_It waits until no one’s around_

_It breaks you in, it wears you down_

_And you say,_

_“It’s not for me to be one of_

_The Lucky Ones”_

_\-- “The Lucky Ones” by Viva Voce_

November 1, 2019

Kurt had grown to truly despise the month of November, and Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and really most of the fall completely. And summers pretty much sucked, and spring was never any good anymore. Really, there wasn’t much of any time of year that didn’t somehow remind him of Blaine, of their experiences together, their love, their relationship, their shared dreams of the future, their inside jokes and silly stories. But from Halloween to the end of November seemed to be the worst for him because he had to mentally relive those horrible mistakes of his: the Halloween party where he had ended up far more drunk than he should have been, and had cheated on the one man he loved and trusted more than anything; and the painful phone call of the next day when he told Blaine he couldn’t see him anymore. He’d been unable to admit to Blaine what happened. He was too ashamed of it, and could think of nothing more than Blaine’s reaction to the texts with Chandler. This would have been so much worse, and Kurt couldn’t handle that. 

 

April 24, 2012

Kurt watched Blaine walk out of the choir room after his visibly angry performance of “It’s Not Right” and he still couldn’t understand how things had come to this. Yes, Rachel had been right – those texts might not have been completely innocent, but he’d never thought about it as ‘cheating.’ That required more physical contact than a handshake, didn’t it? Sure, if he’d kissed Chandler or slept with him, but he hadn’t, he wouldn’t. He didn’t even want to. It wasn’t that he was attracted to Chandler, but that it was nice to have someone notice his outfit, laugh at his jokes, pay attention to his conversations and thoughts, comment on his ass (or asp)… it made him feel good. There was nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted, but it was clearly a problem when the one making him feel that way wasn’t his boyfriend. He knew they were having problems, but he hadn’t thought Chandler was one of them.

Perhaps Miss Pillsbury could help. He knew Finn and Rachel had talked to her once before, and Sam and Mercedes had gone to her for help too. If he could get Blaine to talk about his concerns calmly, instead of raving about his crazy idea that a few text messages somehow constitutes cheating, then maybe they could actually work this out. Kurt kept himself as busy as possible for the rest of the day because he couldn’t stand to be alone with his thoughts. He kept vacillating between being angry with himself for hurting Blaine, being annoyed with Blaine for jumping to hyperbolic conclusions, and being worried about what this would do to their relationship. He was honestly sorry he’d upset Blaine, but was having a hard time expressing that because he felt Blaine was overreacting. He tried to think of it from Blaine’s point of view, though, and when he did that, even the idea of Blaine flirting or secretly texting someone really upset him. He’d had a hard time dealing with it when Blaine was in constant contact with Sebastian, and he would never dream of actually cheating on Blaine.

 

November 1, 2019

But he had cheated, and he knew immediately that no one could ever know.

He’d refused to talk about it – at all. His dad had hounded him several times but finally stopped when Kurt said “I don’t want to talk about it. I won’t change my mind about that. If you keep pushing, it’ll do nothing but make me unhappy. I just want to move on, okay?” Most everyone else just stopped calling after a while. He got the occasional email or other electronic update from Santana and Mercedes, but that was about it. He avoided most of Finn’s calls, but ended up talking to him at least once a month. Finn could be very persistent. Kurt blamed the Army.

Rachel had continued to give him those questioning glances of hers, and he’d slowly started avoiding her. It had probably been at least three months since her last email, longer than that since they actually spoke to each other. He had to admit there was an ease of existence without her constantly trying to “get the old Kurt back” but deep inside where he could barely acknowledge it himself, he missed her. Officially, though, he needed to let her know that she had an audition. He scrolled through his contacts, selecting Rachel’s number. The one good thing about this November would be his theatre preparing to do RENT. He’d loved that show for so long, and was still a little amazed that Sara would have allowed him to bring in a friend to audition. Her phone rang three times and Kurt almost hung up, starting to worry that he’d made a mistake.

“Kurt?” Too late now. “Oh, Kurt! It’s so good to hear from you. Are you okay?” Her exuberance seemed to short out his brain for a moment. He took in a breath but couldn’t think of any words to answer with. Why was he doing this? “Kurt?” And suddenly her voice moved away from the phone, as if she were talking to someone else. “I don’t know. It’s his number, but he’s not saying anything.” Kurt heard mumbling in the background. “But I’d like to actually talk to him!” Okay, he could do this.

“Rachel.”

“Kurt!”

“Sorry, I… um, had a… um, I thought I was going to sneeze, and… anyway, hi!”

“Hi! How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been okay. I mean, busy with… with shows and stuff. That’s why I’m calling.”

“Oh? Are you performing again?”

Kurt rolled his eyes at that. He wondered if people would ever stop asking him. He wondered if he’d ever be able to give them reason to stop asking. “No. I’m on the crew, but you’re going to be performing.”

“I’m what?”

“Are you in a show right now?” He knew she wasn’t. She would have sent out a message about it. Her last show closed almost a month ago.

“N-no. Not at the moment, but I…”

“But nothing. You, my dear, need to be at Stage Left on 43rd at 3pm tomorrow. I’d suggest a slightly upbeat ballad you can really belt, and something with a sultry rhythm to it. Try to show off your best moves.”

“Kurt, am I allowed to know what this is about?”

“But of course, dear – you’re auditioning for the role of Maureen.” Kurt pulled the phone away from his ear just slightly, in case her reaction got too loud.

“Maureen? In RENT? Stage Left is doing a revival of RENT and you got me an audition for the role that put Idina on the map? Oh, should I go ahead and do ‘Take Me or Leave Me’ or will they want to save that for the callbacks? Oh god, do I have anything sexy enough for Maureen to wear?”

Kurt just smiled and shook his head. “You’ll be fine, Rachel. I’ll see you there tomorrow.”

He heard her muttering to herself, a quick “ok, love you, bye!” to him, and then the phone went dead.

 

November 7, 2019

Kurt relaxed into the familiar solitude of his work, glad to have something he could dive into with all his focus. He enjoyed making work his focus, despite how many people tried to get him to ‘have more fun’ and ‘play the field’ in college. His few dates had ended in disaster and he hadn’t really tried since then, both too ashamed of how he’d screwed up his last relationship, and too confused about his feelings over the whole situation. He threw himself into work instead, sometimes filling multiple jobs in the little off-Broadway company he’d been with for the last two years. For RENT, he would be the costume designer and the stage manager. He was sitting in the costume studio working on sketches – he wanted to do something a little different to update the look just a little, but still pay homage to the original production – when Lindsey poked her head through the door.

“Hey Kurt, Sara wants to have you come do Mark’s parts for the auditions. She’s seeing callbacks for Roger right now.”

“Sure. Be there in a minute. Has she done the Maureen callbacks yet?”

“Not yet, but your friend Rachel is on the list. I think that’s tomorrow.”

Kurt smiled. He knew Rachel was a shoe-in for the role of Maureen, and she could use it. She’d been relegated to the ensemble in her last few shows, and having a major role again would give her resume a boost, even if it was off-Broadway. He jotted down a couple notes for the Mimi costume he’d been working on and closed his sketch book. Though he rarely found any interest in auditioning for the roles, he did enjoy helping with readings and songs during auditions and rehearsals. It reminded him of better days, a time when he felt more comfortable opening himself up the way a good performance always did.

Kurt slouched on a block near the downstage edge as Sara put the Roger Davis potentials through a trial of singing “What You Own” and their choice of other Roger songs. He sang Mark’s part of “What You Own” with three potential Rogers, and sat through each one’s personal selection without even hearing it, mindlessly sketching until he was needed again. Sara sent the ever so helpful Assistant Director, Lindsey, outside one more time to get the last person she wanted to hear for the part. As they waited, Kurt continued to sketch.

“You just doodling, or are you still working on the costumes?” Sara asked from her spot in the middle of the auditorium.

“A little of both” Kurt answered with a slight smile. He liked working for Sara, and was happy (well, as happy as he could be) to be in a place where his designs were truly appreciated.

“Okay, Sara, here’s number 83, and he’s the last one for the part of Roger.” Kurt didn’t bother to turn around. He’d meet the guy later – if he was cast – when it was time to start fitting costumes. He was just there to provide another voice, so Sara could get an idea who she liked best. Tomorrow she’d go through the callback lists for Mark, Angel, and Maureen, and then she’d start pairing up the potentials to finalize her choices.

“Okay, we’re doing ‘What You Own’ first, and our Stage Manager will be singing Mark’s part for today. Just show me what you’ve got. I really want to see the depth of Roger, here. He’s been through a lot by this point of the show, you know, so let that come out.”

“You got it.” Kurt felt something twitch in his chest at the man’s words, but he chalked it up to nerves. He didn’t sing in front of strangers anymore, and though Sara and Linsdey were the only members of the company listening, ‘number 83’ was the fourth stranger he’d be singing with tonight.

Press Play - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=1hNGj30peTs](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=1hNGj30peTs)

The music started (thanks to Lindsey’s amazing skills with a CD player and the instrumental CD they were using for audition purposes) and Kurt took a breath, still adding a small detail to his sketch as he began singing.

Kurt-Mark: _Don’t breathe too deep / don’t think all day / dive into work / drive the other way / that drip of hurt / that pint of shame / goes away just play the game_

It was in a slightly lower register than he normally sang, but not outside of his range, and with this fourth performance in a row, the lyrics were starting to get to him. He had far more than a pint of shame in his life, and he didn’t think it was actually going to go away no matter what ‘game’ he tried to play.

Kurt was so focused on his sketch and his own thoughts that he still hadn’t looked around to see that number 83 was none other than Blaine Anderson.

Blaine hadn’t been quite sure at first, but within a few lines, he realized it was Kurt singing. He panicked at first. They hadn’t seen each other in seven years. It was just a few nights ago that Blaine had told himself it was time to let go. He’d even done a full set at Dive that was supposed to help him stop thinking of Kurt. He had gone out drinking, flirting shamelessly with some random guy at a bar in the hopes he could forget that it was seven years to the day since Kurt broke up with him, since the last time they spoke at all, since everything he’d dreamed of had fallen apart in one phone call with no explanation. He had always thought he’d be angry, that if he ever saw Kurt again, he’d want to lash out and scream at him for causing so much pain, but now, now he just wanted to listen to that voice he’d missed so much, and he wanted to know what caused that sorrowful tone under the lines of the song. Kurt kept singing as Blaine forced himself to take a few deep breaths, hoping he could keep himself steady enough to get his part out when it came.

Kurt-Mark: _You’re living in America / At the end of the millennium / You’re living in America / Leave your conscience at the tone / And when you’re living in America / At the end of the millennium / You’re what you own_

This was it. Blaine took a slow deep breath, listening to the way Kurt sang about leaving his conscience, and on cue, he sang, pouring his emotion into it.

Blaine-Roger: _The filmmaker cannot see_ – Kurt tilted his head slightly, connecting the sound of those few sung words with the few spoken words from earlier, but he sang his part almost without thinking.

Kurt-Mark: _And the songwriter cannot hear_ – ‘I wish he’d turn around’ Blaine thought. ‘I’ve wanted to see him for so long.’

Blaine-Roger: _Yet I see Mimi everywhere_ – Kurt felt a jolt as his worlds collided and he finally _knew_ who he was singing with. He’d missed singing with Blaine more than anyone else. He suddenly wasn’t sure he could do this. Singing opened him up too much, and he didn’t think he could stand to be that bare around Blaine now.  And he certainly didn’t deserve to have Blaine be that open with him anymore. Nevertheless, the next line came by instinct; Blaine’s voice was like the voice of an angel to him now.

Kurt-Mark: _Angel’s voice is in my ear_ – Blaine had completely lost conscious awareness of the fact that he was auditioning. He looked at Kurt’s posture; saw the shift in his shoulders, the way he tucked his head down. He could almost feel the moment that Kurt realized who was singing with him. Suddenly all he could think was how much he needed to express to Kurt, how he needed Kurt to know… to know what, he wasn’t sure.

Blaine-Roger: _Just tighten those shoulders_ – Kurt felt himself straighten as if by Blaine’s command, his pencil and sketchbook were abandoned on the block beside him, and he told himself he could get through this.

Kurt-Mark: _Just clench your jaw til you frown_ – Blaine watched Kurt’s head rise slowly, seeing the determination in him build. He wanted to reach out, wanted to take Kurt by the hand and lead them both through the chasm that had separated them for far too long.

Blaine-Roger: _Just don’t let go_ – Kurt finally gave in and turned to lock eyes with the only man he’d ever let himself know.

Both: _Or you may drown / You’re living in America / At the end of the millennium / You’re living in America / where it’s like the Twilight Zone_ – Blaine wasn’t sure even Rod Serling would have come up with this situation. He was singing on automatic, moving slowly, cautiously, as if he were in a dream. The moment they began singing together, Blaine felt like he’d come home.

Out in the audience, Sara leaned over to Lindsey and whispered “holy shit,” to which Lindsey only nodded. Neither of them could take their eyes off number 83. He was clearly the most engaging Roger they’d seen.

Both: _And when_ _you’re living in America / At the end of the millennium / You’re what you own / So I own not a notion / I escape and ape, content / I don’t own emotion / I rent_ – Blaine had never realized just how true those lines were. His life for the past seven years had been almost completely devoid of emotion except when he was on stage. He let his pain, his anger, his longing, even his hope come out in his characters, through the songs he sang and the lines written for stage. The rest of the time, he sought out rock concerts, drinking binges, and had previously tried meaningless sex to escape from what he didn’t want to own.

Both-Overlapping: _What was it about that night / Connection – in an isolating age / For once the shadows gave way to light_ – Kurt was on autopilot after he looked at Blaine. He wasn’t thinking about the words, wasn’t even consciously aware that he was still singing. He could barely register the stubble on Blaine’s face, or that his hairstyle had changed. He just felt torn between wanting to get lost in Blaine’s amber eyes and wanting to run and hide again, like he’d been doing for so long.

Both: _For once I didn’t disengage_ – they kept singing, never losing eye contact, and every few lines, one or the other of them took a tiny step closer to the other.

Kurt-Mark: _Angel, I hear you – I hear it – I see it – I see it, my film!_

Blaine-Roger: _Mimi, I see you – I see it – I hear it – I hear it, my song!_

Kurt-Mark: _Alexi, Mark. Call me a hypocrite. I need to finish my own film. I quit!_

Blaine-Roger: _One song – Glory / Mimi / Your eyes_

Both: _Dying in America / At the end of the millennium / We’re dying in America / To come into our own / And when you’re dying in America / At the end of the millennium_ – Blaine was mere feet away from Kurt by this point, and started to reach out, wanting to actually touch him, to convince himself this was really happening, they were really standing there in front of each other. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that Kurt was reaching toward him, too, but before he could think about it, Kurt snapped his hand back quickly. Blaine followed suit and fell into his familiar comfort zone – that hope belonged to Roger, not to Blaine. Roger could share that emotion, could seek that connection. Roger could both affirm and ask with these final lines.

Both: _You’re not alone / I’m not alone / I’m not alone_

Kurt wasn’t sure how he could have sung that and still felt like he was holding his breath, but when he let himself exhale as the closing notes died down, he felt as if he hadn’t let out his breath in ages.

The sudden applause from Sara and Lindsey brought Kurt and Blaine back to reality so quickly Kurt actually felt a little off balance. Blaine snapped into his front-man performer persona, but Kurt thought he could see that Blaine was just as unnerved as he was. As Kurt moved back to the block he’d been sitting on earlier, not even sure when he’d stood up, and gathered his things, Sara glanced at the notes she had on ‘number 83’.

“So, you’ve chosen ‘One Song, Glory’ as your solo piece?”

“Um, actually, if you don’t mind,” Blaine glanced at Kurt, hoping he wasn’t about to walk out of here, out of his life again. “I’d like to change that.” He swung his guitar around and pulled a pick from his pocket. “I’d like to sing ‘Your Eyes’ instead.”

“Certainly. We haven’t had anyone do that song today. It’ll be a nice change of pace.” Sara and Lindsey exchanged a glance, wondering just what was going on up on the stage.

PRESS PLAY: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3YYWhMYrCE>

Blaine played the first bar and watched as Kurt turned, sketchpad clutched tightly to his chest.  

_Your eyes / As we said our goodbyes_

Blaine caught Kurt’s eye as he began to sing. He was fully aware that the last few minutes had changed his life. He knew what he’d been missing, and judging by the look on Kurt’s face, he wasn’t the only one being deeply affected here.

_Can’t get them out of my mind / And I find I can’t hide / From your eyes_

He had no trouble tapping into the proper emotion for this -- he felt like in the last few minutes he’d personally gone through the same growth process that Roger had in the year it took him to write this song. Distance had made him wise, and he had to make Kurt see.

_The ones that took me by surprise / The night you came into my life / Where there’s moonlight / I see your eyes_

Kurt’s mind was flooded with memories of Blaine on the staircase where they met, running through the halls of Dalton, singing together, laughing and loving together, hugging tightly as he swore he’d never say goodbye. Blaine didn’t hold his gaze the whole time, but he made frequent eye contact, just for a second or two, often between phrases of the song, just long enough to leave Kurt longing for more.

_How’d I let you slip away / When I’m longing so to hold you / Now I’d die for one more day / Cause there’s something I should have told you / there’s something I should have told you_

Blaine was trying to keep his voice steady, trying to express what Kurt needed to know without being overly obvious to the others. The person and performer were at war in his mind, seeking a delicate balance as he reminded himself this was an audition, and that Kurt was the stage manager. If he could get this part, he could make sure he wouldn’t lose contact with Kurt again. They could have a chance. He couldn’t let himself think about it too much, though, or the hope would be overwhelming and he wouldn’t be able to sing anymore.

 _When I looked into your eyes / Why does distance make us wise? / You were the song all along / And before this song dies_ – Kurt watched, barely breathing, as he wondered what Blaine was going to do. He knew this song, and it seemed he had no choice but to recognize what Blaine was trying to say here, but the way he handled these last few lines would say more than anything else, and Kurt honestly wasn’t sure he could deal with it, no matter which way Blaine took it.

 _I should tell you / I should tell you_ \- Blaine caught Kurt’s gaze and held it, determined to make Kurt understand, to make sure it was completely clear just how much he meant these words.

_I have always loved you / You can see it in my eyes_

It sounded different with just the acoustic guitar, and Blaine simplified the end, gentling it with softly strummed chords and his plaintive tone. Kurt couldn’t stand there any longer. He didn’t deserve what he’d just seen. He started backing away, trying to convince himself to turn around. Wishing Blaine would stop looking at him like that. Blaine couldn’t still want him. He just…

 _Mimi…._ Blaine could see the fear in Kurt’s eyes, and wanted nothing more than to hold him and convince him it would be okay. The past seven years could all be okay if they could just talk.

Kurt could tell Blaine was asking him to stay, but he just couldn’t do it. He blinked back the tears that threatened and swept back to his costume studio, feeling like he was falling.

Blaine watched Kurt go before he pocketed his pick and swung the guitar to his back again. He looked out at the director, waiting for more direction or a comment or, well, anything to finish the audition so he could try to find out where Kurt had disappeared to.

“Well, thank you,” he could vaguely see her flip his headshot over, clearly looking at his name, “Blaine. We’ll, uh, we’ll be in touch tomorrow to discuss the next callback.”


	6. He Don't Know Where to Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.
> 
> Many thanks to my beta readers; poetheather, tangledhair, and thestoryofelle.
> 
> I’m still quite actively writing, and hope to update about once a week. So far I’m looking at about 40,000 words minimum (just in case you want to know what you’re getting into) in probably 15+ chapters.
> 
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.
> 
> Music: I recommend actually playing the songs as they appear in the text.
> 
> Warnings/Rating (overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)
> 
> Warnings/Rating (this chapter): PG-13

Chapter Six: He Don’t Know Where to Start

_He wants the love_

_He don’t know where to start_

_Oh the lucky ones_

_To have these dreams_

_To dream at all_

_Oh the lucky ones_

_Who never stumble and fall_

_\--The Lucky Ones by Blackie and the Rodeo King_

 

November 3, 2019

The phone buzzed again, vibrating just a little closer to him on the table. Kurt glanced at it, seeing Rachel’s picture on the screen, and sighed as he reluctantly answered.

“Yes, Rachel?”

“Look, I know what you’re doing, but you know it’s my duty as your best friend to stop you.”

“Rachel, have you noticed that we hardly see each other anymore? The only reason we’re in contact now is that I pushed you to audition for RENT.” He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, checking the reflection in the mirror. “And what, exactly do you feel you are duty-bound to stop me from doing?”

“Wallowing. You think I wouldn’t keep track of it? That I wouldn’t know by now how hard this is for you? Kurt,” and he could hear that tone slip into her voice, just ever so slightly, the tone that said she was performing these lines, choosing her words very carefully in hopes she would get the response she’d already scripted in her head. “I just want to be there for you. Just, to take your mind off things with a mani-pedi, or sit and talk over a cup of coffee. Whatever you feel like you need today. I just want to help.”

He smiled. Despite the fact he could read her like sheet music, and could therefore tell that she was hoping he’d be so distraught by the date that he’d ramble at her about his sorrows and reveal the secret he’d held for seven years, Kurt could also tell that she was sincere in her concern for him.

“Yes, Rachel. I’m aware that today is seven years since I…” _got drunk and stupid, ruined my life_ “broke up with Blaine. And yes, I am…” _sad, depressed, a complete idiot, a horrible person_ he took a breath, “nostalgic about it.” _That’s it Kurt, nice understatement there._ “Look, it’s not just this, okay. November sucks. Did you know that November is when I _met_ Blaine? Or that it was also when Karofsky…” _violated me, scared the shit out of me, kissed me_ “got worse with the bullying? And it was the last time I talked to Blaine. Did you know that it was also our first time _together_? November is all those things _plus_ the month I lost him. And every November since then has been horrible. The entire month has sucked. I’ve lost friends, homes, jobs, all in November. I’ve gotten sick every November. I’ve come to accept that the month hates me and the best thing I can do is just keep my head down and try to survive until December first.”

Rachel was silent on the other end, long enough that Kurt pulled the phone away from his ear to check the screen and verify that he hadn’t been disconnected.

“I- I’m sorry, Kurt. Just, please don’t completely cut yourself off again. Please let your friends be there for you.”

“You? Are we still friends, Rachel? I hadn’t heard more than a random email about your upcoming shows and the odd bit of gossip in over a year. I called you up because I’ve always thought you had the right look and voice to play Maureen. I don’t mind the idea of us being friends again, but I don’t want to be your next project.”

“I just want to be your friend. And I’ve missed you! I guess I didn’t realize how much until I actually talked to you the other day. Can we maybe get coffee or something? My audition is the day after tomorrow, and maybe we could go out afterwards, if you’re not busy. I swear I won’t ask about the callback list, or about Blaine. I just want to catch up. Please?”

Kurt sighed, ignoring the twist in his chest that let him know just how nice it was to hear he’d been missed. He _had_ been distant for a while. “Okay. Fine. How’s… Tuesday at 3?”

“You got it!” He could actually hear the smile in her voice, and was soon smiling back in spite of himself. “Green tea-spearmint biscotti are on me!”

 

March 13, 2019

Blaine stumbled through the door, trying to avoid the bright numbers on the microwave that reminded him it was nearly 4am. He’d sworn he was done with this, but he should have known better than to go out tonight… last night… this morning… whatever. It had been several months since he’d gone out and had that much to drink, but it seemed to be his go-to escape when it came to their anniversaries – March 12th and November 3rd. Quite possibly his most favorite and least favorite days ever. So last night he’d fallen into his old role of Blaine the player. He’d gone out drinking, flirting, dancing. He let several guys buy him drinks, danced with even more guys, and did some serious grinding with a couple of them, but in the end, he’d left the bar alone.

Yeah, he’d started out trying to forget Kurt by hooking up with other guys, but that hadn’t even lasted a year. He’d finally realized that it was just too empty for him, even when they tried to spice it up – they just weren’t Kurt. But he also learned that he could keep the casual friends and get Santana off his back about dating if he kept going to the bars every week and dancing and flirting. He just stopped accepting the propositions. And then even that got to be too much for him. He quit going to the bars at all, with the exception of his sets at Dive. So this month, he’d spent a lot of late nights recording with some friends from college, and they wanted to go out and celebrate.  Blaine was just nostalgic enough that he thought it was a good idea, and now it was 3:52am and he had to figure out how to get to his room without waking Santana.

He quickly realized that wasn’t an option, though, when she stood up from the couch. “I was starting to get worried.” Her tone was calm, resigned. He knew why. He knew it was because she’d seen him doing this every year, trying in vain to forget. He’d sworn he wasn’t going to do that again this year. “Who was he? You never talk about them anymore.”

Blaine just “hmmed” at her and got a glass of water before joining her at their small table.

“Someday you should actually stay til morning, or invite someone here. You are still being careful, right?”

“San, there’s nothing to be careful about.”

“Um, yeah, there is. You clearly don’t have a regular, so you don’t know where those twinks have been.”

“There are no twinks.” He sighed.

“This isn’t about your type, dummy. It’s…”

“No, Santana,” he turned to face her, clearly serious now, “There’s no one. I haven’t done more than dance with or flirt with anyone in over five years. I just never said anything about it.”

“But whenever I asked…”

“You tend to ask in innuendo. Not subtly, mind you, but still in suggestive terms that could be taken multiple ways. I tried very hard to respond to you simply, in a way that might have encouraged your suggestions without actually confirming anything.”

“Damn, you practicing for the press or something?”

Blaine shrugged. He just didn’t like being dishonest, but he didn’t want people pushing him to “get back out there”.

“Wait, why? You were hooking up for a while there. Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just… I’ve never really been one for casual sex, and I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Have you not met one guy in all that time that you’d like to _actually_ know better?”

“No. They’re not Kurt. Look, I tried, okay? I tried to forget him. I tried to find someone else. Now I’m just trying to take care of myself and hope that if there’s another amazing person out there for me, he’ll find me.” He ran a hand through his hair and offered her a small smile, hoping she’d accept this and get off his back for a while. “I promise. I just want to believe that if I’m patient and I stop looking for a Kurt-replacement, I’ll end up finding the right guy one of these days.”

Santana rolled her eyes. “God, do you have any idea how schmoopy you sound?”

“Yes, and I someday my prince will come and cure me of schmoop, but for now, I’m going to bed.”

“Fine, but don’t forget that I still want to hear you practice for your audition. You’ll kick all the other Rogers’ butts.” She hugged him. “Good night, sweetie. Oh, and don’t be surprised if there’s noise in a couple hours. Brit’s got an early rehearsal tomorrow.”

 

November 7, 2019

After searching for Kurt back stage and down the hall, Blaine admitted defeat, but only temporarily. Just because Kurt slipped out tonight didn’t mean Blaine couldn’t find him later. He spent the subway ride home thinking about Kurt, about how amazing it felt to listen to that voice again, to see him again. He’d wanted so badly to reach out and touch Kurt’s hand, but he could tell it wouldn’t have been well received.

“San? Brit?” He called out, hoping one of them were here. He needed to talk to someone.

Brittany came out of the bedroom slinging her dance bag over her shoulder. “Hey, what up Blaine. I’m on my way out. I have a class, but Tanni’s here.” She smiled shyly. “She’ll be a few minutes, though.”

Blaine smiled back at her. “Thanks Brit. I’ll see you later.” They were so cute together, and he often thought that living with them had helped keep his hope alive that someday he’d be happy again. Now he was trying desperately _not_ to think about that while he was so excited over finding Kurt again. He’d heard the occasional update on Kurt, but they were usually “he’s doing okay, nothing big lately” with no details. Rachel had finally admitted that she was still sometimes in touch with Kurt, but she’d been sworn to secrecy and was actually sticking to it this time. She wouldn’t reveal where he lived, his number, if he was dating anyone. Nothing.

Blaine puttered around the tiny kitchen – _I’ll be so glad when something gives us enough money for a slightly bigger place_ – looking in the cabinets even though he didn’t particularly want anything to eat. He was too jumpy to eat. What would he say when he saw Kurt again? What if he was wrong about what he thought he saw in Kurt’s eyes?

“Shit, what am I even doing?”

He didn’t even realize he was talking aloud, lost in his thoughts as he gazed at the granola bars and the bag of dried fruit the girls were always snacking on.

“What are you doing about what?” Santana asked from behind him.

“Oh, god, I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I might have made a mistake, but I thought it was the best chance I’d ever have. I could have sung ‘Glory’ but it just didn’t have the same message and I thought he’d like it. I thought, after the way we sang together, I thought he’d understand what I was saying, and oh god, why did he leave so fast?” He’d long since abandoned the cabinets and was pacing from the dining nook to the living room and back, chattering so fast Santana was having a hard time keeping up with him.

“Blaine Warbler Anderson!” He stopped short, surprised by the sudden mom-ness in her voice. “Stop pacing, and stop babbling. I can’t help you if I don’t know what this is about. First things, first, we’re talking about a guy you’re interested, in, right?”

“Not just a guy, San. We’re talking about Kurt.”

He couldn’t remember ever seeing such a look of shock on Santana’s face. “Kurt Hummel?”

He nodded, unable to say anything else as the enormity of it suddenly hit him full force. He’d seen _Kurt_ for fuck’s sake! The weight of it after all this time was threatening to crush him now that it had really sunk in. Now that he’d said it out loud.

Blaine sat on the edge of the coffee table, grabbing hold to try and feel more grounded. He looked up at Santana, panic in his eyes.

“Oh god, honey, it’s okay. It’s okay, Blaine. You just… you just take a deep breath and tell me what happened.”

“My audition. He was there. I had to sing with him.”

“Oh.” She sat in front of him and placed a hand on his knee. “And what happened next?”

“I was supposed to do a solo song, and I was going to do ‘One Song, Glory’ but I changed it at the last minute and did ‘Your Eyes’ instead, and I was looking at him, but I was trying not to much, since I was auditioning. I almost didn’t care as long as I could talk to him, but then I thought getting the part would give me a better chance because he works at the theatre. He’s the stage manager, so if I get the part, I’ll see him more.”

“What did he do when you sang to him?”

“He just watched me, and then he backed up and left as soon as I was finished. I tried to find him, but he was either hiding or gone. So, obviously he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“Blaine—”

“Why should I think it would be any different just because he saw me? If he’d wanted me… if he… oh shit. I can’t go through this again.” He hung his head, trying to blink back the tears and the panic and hope and hopelessness and just all the feelings that were overwhelming him. “I really thought I could let this go, let him go. I was honestly … and now… I just…”

“It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. Look, just, if you see him again, ask him if you can talk. That’s all you can do right now.” She pulled him into a hug. “He was probably just nervous.”

Blaine nodded, hoping she was right. He wished he had Kurt’s number, could text him to see how he might react. He would have liked them to have coffee or something. Maybe he could leave a message at the theatre. Kurt had to realize it would be best to talk before the final casting anyway. If they couldn’t get along well enough to work together… but he couldn’t really imagine that. They’d always fit together so well, finishing each other’s sentences, enjoying all the same things, even before they started dating. And they’d always been good at communicating through song.

 

April 22, 2011

Kurt hadn’t said a word since they got in the car and whenever Blaine asked where they were going, he would only smile and shake his head. Blaine gave in and just relaxed in his seat after about ten minutes, though he kept up a steady stream of chatter throughout the rest of the drive. He was just happy to be spending time together. It had been so different since Kurt’s return to McKinley, and Blaine had missed him.

“So David pitched a fit about wanting to set up performances around town, and Wes is having none of it. He thinks we should just keep practicing. I tried to tell them we’ll do better if we have a reason to, and an audience will give us that reason. Oh! Nick came out to me on the way back to Dalton after we sang for you the other day.” Kurt raised an eyebrow at this, but still didn’t say anything. “We ended up being the only two in my car, and he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell the rest of the guys because it made it seem like it was an important thing that should be known, but if he found someone to date or if anyone asked, he wouldn’t hide it.” Blaine paused, waiting to see if Kurt had any reactions to that. When it seemed clear he didn’t, Blaine slowly picked up the stream of thoughts again.

“I… I guess he wanted to tell me so someone would know, or since I am, too. I don’t know. He said something about how happy and sad we looked at your school that day. You know, happy to have each other, but sad to not see each other as much. I am, you know. Happy. Happy to be with you, to have you be with me. And I know it’s only been a couple days since you left Dalton, and I know it’s what you wanted, and it’s best for your family, and I completely support you in this, but so far I really kinda hate it. I hate it because it makes me think about you and how much I miss you, and I hate it because I can’t see you several times a day to tell you the interesting things that happen to me. I hate it because I worry that you’ll forget me when you’re around all your old friends, and I hate that I would worry about such things because I know we’re better than that, and we’re, I don’t know, we’re more than that.” He fell quiet for a minute or two, staring at the trees lining the side of the road. Then he sighed and dropped his head down, staring at his hands in his lap.

“I guess I’m just a little jealous. I just found you and I’m not ready to share you with other people. I kinda can’t believe how amazing you are, and I keep half expecting to find out this is all a dream, and with you leaving Dalton, it’s kinda making me want to see you and talk to you more often to make sure it’s not a dream.”

Kurt reached across to cover Blaine’s hand with his own. “It’s not a dream.”

Blaine just squeezed Kurt’s hand in response until the car stopped and he looked up to see that they’d pulled off at the nature preserve outside of town. He could see a glimpse of the river through the trees.  “What are we doing here?”

“I wanted to find us a place to go – a special place that’s not my house or Dalton or the Lima Bean – where we could just be together, just us.” He looked down, looking just a little shy as he continued, “so it could be… ‘somewhere only we know’… like you said.”

Blaine felt his heart pound at that. It was so sweet, so perfectly romantic. He was becoming more and more sure that this is what it would feel like to fall in love, but he wasn’t willing to say it just yet. They were both in their first relationship, and he didn’t want to screw it up. “It’s perfect.”

“No, you’re perfect,” Kurt unbuckled his seat belt and reached for Blaine. “The other day at my school, the way you… you just _did_ that… it was so, it was incredible, and you show so much when you sing.”

“I’ll remember that whenever I need to make sure you know what I’m feeling.” He leaned closer, resting his forehead against Kurt’s.

“For now, you could just show me” Kurt whispered, and that was enough for Blaine to close the distance and enjoy a long, slow kiss with the most amazing boyfriend ever.

 

November 8, 2019

Kurt was dreading the work day. He’d left as quickly as possible last night, trying to get out of the building and lost in foot traffic before Blaine had a chance to come looking for him. He had even ignored the only two calls he got last night. He couldn’t imagine how he was going to get through today – Sara had to have questions for him - but he was hoping he could just stay in the studio and ignore the rest of the callbacks. He didn’t even think he could handle seeing Rachel today, not that she’d give him any choice in the matter. In fact, now that he’d voluntarily made contact with her again, if he didn’t come watch her callback performance, she’d know there was something wrong, and that would be worse.

He stared at his coffee, very purposely _not_ thinking about all the times he and Blaine had gotten coffee together. He _most definitely_ wasn’t thinking about how nice it would be to get coffee together again. And above all, he _absolutely_ wasn’t thinking about the possibilities of Blaine actually being cast as Roger. He sighed and swallowed the last of his coffee before grabbing his bag and heading out the door.

His subway ride was almost uneventful enough to seem like an event. People smiled at him on the way to the theatre; the forecasted rain seemed to be holding back, letting some sun through for a bit longer. By all accounts, the day was shaping up to be a great one, and it was really creeping him out. As he rounded the corner to the theatre, he realized why it all seemed too good to be true. He pulled himself up short, stepping back just a little to try and avoid being seen. Blaine was standing in front of the theatre looking at the posters and notices out front. Kurt felt disconnected, caught up in his near-panic, but still aware of things like the way Blaine’s hair looked longer, thicker, sexier, or the light shadow of a beard he’d grown, or the earbud cord going up to one ear, making Kurt wonder what he was listening to. He felt a sudden déjà vu back to his last visit to Ohio before the breakup. He had watched Blaine at the airport, reveling in the idea that this was his boyfriend, that he loved Blaine and Blaine loved him. Now, as he mimicked that day and continued watching Blaine (who had just checked his phone and turned the other direction as if looking for someone), Kurt felt his stomach churn.

 _Shit. I can’t get past him. Why is he here? They weren’t supposed to be doing the next round for him until tomorrow._ Kurt felt an ache at his right shoulder blade and straightened his back to stretch it out. He closed his eyes. He reminded himself to breathe. He frantically considered any possible options for escape. He could just turn back, cut across the street and hit the subway to get out of here. Call Sara and tell her he’d be a few hours late. Blaine wouldn’t stand there all day. Yes, that would work. Kurt flattened himself against the wall a little more as he felt someone approach. He opened his eyes, expecting a random pedestrian to be passing nearby, but certainly _not_ expecting Blaine to be standing less than two feet away. He knew the panic must be showing, but Blaine’s first word somehow both calmed it and made it worse.

“Courage.”


	7. One Last Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday.  
> This fic is getting longer than I expected. It’s already over 40K written (not posted) and I think I might be about halfway done? Maybe two thirds done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter seven of who knows (but my current estimate is about 20).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for language and possible innuendo

The Lucky Ones: Chapter Seven – Once Last Chance

_One last chance to say the words we never said_

_One last dance with you might help me to forget_

_~The Lucky Ones by Amy Studt_

 

Playlist for Blaine’s gig on Feb 19, 2013

[www . youtube . com / playlist?list=PLB633C7F511037D0F](http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLB633C7F511037D0F)

(this is a long playlist and doesn’t need to be played With the scene or chapter, but I’m including it in case you want to listen and put yourself in Rachel’s place or something – I played it a lot while writing chunks of this chapter)

 

November 8, 2019

Blaine hadn’t gotten more than a couple hours of sleep, but he felt quite awake and energized when he woke up at 5:10 that morning. His first thought was Kurt. He’d seen Kurt. He’d sung with him again. He knew how to find him now – _damn Rachel and her vows of secrecy anyway, or he could have found Kurt long ago_ – but this immediately reminded him that Kurt hadn’t wanted to be found. There’d been messages passed through Rachel and Finn, at least a handful of times over the years, and they’d always relayed the same message from Kurt: “he’s fine but he doesn’t want to reestablish contact.”

Blaine thought about this as he got ready for his morning run. By 5:30 he was out the door, iPod strapped to his arm and did a few quick stretches, thinking about Kurt the whole time.

  _I could have tried harder to reach him. I could have come to find him as soon as I graduated. I could have gone to his parents’ house that Christmas, or tried to get Burt and Carole to help me get in touch with him. I could have … I could have kept hoping, kept waiting._

He started one of his random playlists and took off running, zig-zagging around a man and his two young daughters as they came out of a building; he was momentarily startled by the man’s scarf. It looked like one Kurt used to wear. He probably didn’t even own it anymore. Blaine was sure Kurt would have kept up with the changes in fashion. He thought back to what Kurt had been wearing yesterday at the audition. Dark jeans, button up shirt, cardigan that looked a little too big for him. It wasn’t what he was used to from Kurt, but then a lot of time had passed. Michelle Branch started singing and sent him back to the last time he had tried to reach Kurt… the last time he’d _really_ tried.

 

February 19, 2013

“Thanks for meeting me. I know it was short notice.”

“It’s not a problem, Blaine.” Rachel put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but it didn’t comfort him at all. “I didn’t have plans and I’m happy to see you. How are you doing?”

“I… look, Rach, I would love to catch up sometime, but I really need to ask about Kurt. I know, I know, you all think I should just forget Kurt. I’ve tried, okay? I asked a guy to coffee a couple weeks ago and then had to apologize when I realized I couldn’t really pay attention to him. I went out dancing last week, and it almost took my mind off him for about 15 minutes. Then they fucking played ‘Teenage Dream’ – the dance remix. I… I just wanted…” He led them to a fairly quiet table in the corner, stashing his guitar next to his seat. He was hoping to check out the bar’s open mic night later. “Could you please tell me how to find him? I’ve tried to call him, email him, tweet him. He seems to have cancelled all his online accounts I knew about, and he’s changed his number. I don’t understand what I did.” He was feeling more vulnerable than he wanted, but he had to make it clear to her how important this was.

“I was afraid you might say that.  He … look, he’s fine, but he doesn’t want to resume contact, okay?”

“No! Damn it, it’s not okay! He owes me! You used to agree with that!” He was starting to feel his eyes burn, angry tears working their way out.

“I still do, Blaine.” She scooted closer, placing an arm around his back and briefly pressing her cheek against his shoulder. Blaine mostly ignored her, focused on hold back those tears, but he gave her his attention when she sat up straight and took a deep breath. He recognized that look of resolve on her face, and wasn’t sure what it meant. “Okay, I was hoping to avoid this, but…”

“But, what?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know, but he probably needed to.

“He sent you a note.”

Blaine thought he was going to choke. He suddenly couldn’t quite inhale or exhale, and his heartbeat felt like that dance mix from the club last week. He held out a hand, waiting for Rachel to pass it over.

_Blaine,_

Just the familiar handwriting brought tears to his eyes. He took a deep breath, blinked his eyes clear, and continued reading.

_You need to stop. Rachel’s been sworn to secrecy. I can’t see you. I just want you to be happy. Go find someone to be happy with._

_Kurt_

Blaine stared at those words until they blurred and un-blurred again. He waited for something to click, for something to suddenly make sense again.

“Is he happy?”

Rachel looked confused. “Um, what do you mean?”

“I just want to know if he’s happy. I can’t figure out any other reason he would have done this, torn us apart, given up on everything we had and everything we hoped for, broke my heart and all his promises. I hope it was worth it!” He was a little surprised at how angry he suddenly felt. He’d been sad since November, and if he had talked to Kurt since then, he would have asked what went wrong, what they could do to put things back together again. Now, though, he suddenly had a different sentiment to express.

“Blaine, no, don’t. It… I don’t think it’s like that.”

“You don’t _think_. You don’t know. You don’t know what happened. Do you?”

“N-no, I don’t, but I…”

“No. I – I can’t listen to this anymore. This is bullshit.” He grabbed his guitar and stormed away. He checked with the bartender and was pleased to find that they only had two people signed up to sing tonight. It would give him the perfect opportunity to sing a few songs and get his feelings out. He always felt better when he sang.

Rachel was moderately surprised when he opened with “One Fine Day.” It seemed a more hopeful song than she would have expected, but as he sang, she could hear the pain and anger seeping through. She kept watching Blaine, feeling sad and helpless as he sang “Are You Happy Now?”

_To Kurt: Feb 19, 8:23pm: Are you sure you don’t want to see him? He misses you._

She worried about both of them when Blaine started singing “Rollin’ in the Deep.”

_From Kurt: Feb 19, 8:27pm: Rachel, I told you, if you don’t stop hounding me about it, I will change my number again._

_To Kurt: Feb 19, 8:28pm: Do you really think you can get rid of me that easily?_

_From Kurt: Feb 19, 8:29pm: I’ve heard **things** about the Hudson River._

Blaine left the stage so someone else could play, but after one song and nearly five minutes without music, the club manager ushered him back onstage to an encouraging round of applause and even a few yells. He muttered to himself for a minute and stepped up to the mic, setting a glass of dark liquid on the stool. “Um, hi, again. I’m Blaine. I’m, uh, I’m in a bit of a _mood_ tonight.” He offered a slight smirk, but Rachel knew him well enough to see he was holding a lot of anger in his shoulders. “Feel free to ask me to stop if I get boring and you’d rather have someone else...” She thought she could hear a tone of self-deprecation there, as if Blaine actually thought he was boring, but she understood after he took a drink and started screaming the next song.

_I’ve got another confession to make / I’m your fool / Everyone’s got their chains to break / Holding you_

His anger was obvious, and she was suddenly reminded of Finn telling her about finding Blaine boxing in the gym. Finn said Blaine could be a little scary if he ever wanted to be, and Rachel felt like maybe she was getting a glimpse of that right now. Blaine was halfway through “Best of You” when Rachel decided to text Kurt again. Blaine was singing this as if it were personal, but he didn’t seem to know anything about their breakup. He must have convinced himself there was someone else.

 _To Kurt: Feb 19, 8:42pm: Kurt, are you seeing someone else?_  

Blaine finished his drink and got another refill between songs, but in no time he was singing “You Oughta Know” and she was fighting off mental images of Kurt and Blaine at the theatre.

_From Kurt: Feb 19, 8:45pm: Is that what he thinks?_

_To Kurt: Feb 19, 8:46pm: It seems like it, based on what he’s singing._

While she waited for a response, Blaine moved on to sing a song Rachel didn’t recognize, though the lines “you were never my friend, you were never my lover” stood out in her mind. He had just started “You Give Love A Bad Name” (making Rachel worry about how much he’d had to drink) before Kurt texted back.

_From Kurt: Feb 19, 8:58pm: Just leave it, Rachel._

Rachel shook her head and put the phone down, frustrated with Kurt’s stubbornness. She felt Blaine’s anger fading as he finished the Bon Jovi song, and she nearly broke out in tears as Blaine bared his heart and his fears with Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain.” It brought back memories of “Rumours” week in school, when she and everyone else thought Kurt was cheating with Sam. She told herself then that she should have known better, but now Kurt was giving her nothing to work with. She couldn’t help them if Kurt refused to talk.

_To Kurt: Feb 19, 9:01pm: Fine. I still think it’s a mistake, though. If you could see him right now…_

_From Kurt: Feb 19, 9:09pm: I’m serious._

She let it go, knowing that the less Kurt said, the more he meant it. He’d always had a thing about control, but sometimes it was just scary. Also, she didn’t want to completely alienate him. After all, how would she help them get back together if she lost touch with Kurt?

 

November 8, 2019

Blaine shook himself out of that memory, a little surprised to realize how many of the songs in this playlist were songs he’d sung that night, the night he really acknowledged his anger. He’d stayed mad at Kurt for a while, until it faded into the numbness of trying to lose himself in the random blow jobs he got from time to time.

Suddenly he was running to “Wanna Be Starting Something” and he got caught up in memories of Kurt’s senior year when they had Michael week in the Glee club. Sebastian’s rock-salt slushie made that week very memorable. He picked up speed without even realizing it, thinking about the way Kurt had been so concerned for him, and so angry at Sebastian. He’d come to sit with him whenever he could, sent him thoughtful text messages while he was recovering from the eye surgery, and even downplayed his NYADA callback because he was more worried about Blaine. Kurt had been the model boyfriend. It was those memories that finally let him forgive Kurt, or, as much as he’d been able to forgive. He wanted to. Even if they were never going to speak again, Blaine wanted closure. He didn’t want them to hang on to bad feelings. It wouldn’t be helpful to either of them.

By the time he got back home, Blaine knew he needed to see Kurt again, and it needed to NOT happen in the middle of an audition. He wasted no time getting dressed, and wasn’t ashamed to admit that he definitely put some thought into how he looked. Still, the casually styled curls he wore now took much less time than the heavily gelled hair of his youth, and his usual soft scruff didn’t need to be trimmed yet. He did pause for a couple minutes, looking at that scruff and longer, relaxed hair, and wondered if Kurt would have preferred the smooth shaven, slicked down look from high school.

He could stand there and second guess himself all day if he wasn’t careful. He shook his head and got his coat and scarf. He was out the door and walking the few blocks to the theatre before he could find something else to doubt. He hummed along with his iPod as he walked, working up the nerve to talk to Kurt. The front doors to the theatre were locked, so he looked around, hoping to see Kurt or for that matter anyone else who worked there. He stared mindlessly at the playbills in the window and checked his phone to see what time it was. _What time do the crew members come in to work, anyway?_ It was barely eight AM, and Blaine wasn’t sure if he was way too early or just a few minutes too late. He was about to knock on the door or window, hoping to find someone inside, when he turned his head and caught sight of Kurt leaning against the building, head back and eyes closed as if he were trying to hide from something. _He must have seen me._

Blaine started that way, hoping to get close before Kurt opened his eyes and retreated again. As he approached, Blaine was oblivious to the people walking past them, but highly aware of Kurt. He was breathing in time with Kurt, watching the slow, deliberate inhales and the slight pressing together of his lips. He knew those things. Those gestures meant Kurt was working on his own nerves, and that knowledge made Blaine feel just a little bit better as he stopped, waiting for Kurt’s eyes to open again.

“Courage.”

 

Kurt took a breath, willing his heart to stop trying to burst through his chest and all the layers of clothes. He was lost in those eyes again, eyes he’d dreamed of for so long. “Blaine.” Oh, he didn’t mean it to sound like a shaky whisper. He’d been trying for casual. He looked away, glancing around the street to avoid further eye contact.

“Kurt.”

Kurt wasn’t sure he’d ever heard so _much_ in his name before.

“What are you doing here?”  He wasn’t sure he could handle this. He needed time, needed to prepare himself, needed to figure out how exactly he was going to respond to all the questions he was sure Blaine had. He pressed against the building a little more, seeking a little stability, feeling a little too out of control for his liking. But he pulled out some emergency reserves and tried to brace himself for the anger, the waves of guilt already pressing against him with every breath.

“I came to see you… to see if we could talk… please?”

Kurt looked down at the sidewalk, mindlessly noting how many darkened spots he saw that he was sure used to be gum. He watched the feet of people going by, noting the champagne-colored knock-off Blaniks that crushed a couple random blades of grass that had SNIP! broken through a crack in the concrete. SNIP! Crushed. Like they might be if he wasn't careful. He turned to start toward the door. He turned to start toward the door. “I have nothing to do with the casting process, you’ll have to wait until you hear from…”

“Kurt.” Blaine’s voice stopped him cold. “You know I’m not here about that.”

“What do you want from me?” Kurt still couldn’t bring himself to look Blaine in the eye. That had been too intense for him.

“I want to talk to you. I want to maybe buy you a cup of coffee, ask a few of my questions, maybe answer some of yours, if… if you have any, I mean. If it matters.”

Oh, there it was. That hurt. Of course it mattered! But he couldn’t say that. Shouldn’t. They were so far past that he couldn’t see anything helpful in stirring up those feelings. He had simply built too many walls to just smile at Blaine and ask for his life story update.

And as for _his_ stories… well, they couldn’t be shared with anyone. But now that Blaine was here in front of him, Kurt knew in his gut he needed to offer _something._ The least he could do was sit through a cup of coffee, right?

“I’ll agree to one cup, I won’t promise any answers, and I can’t take more than 30 minutes.”

“That’s fine,” and from the relieved smile on Blaine’s face, Kurt couldn’t help but believe he really was fine with those limits. “Now? Or would some time later today be better for you?”

“I – I should get a few things taken care of first.” He was grateful for the opportunity to settle himself before they talked, though he wasn’t interested in a long period of anxious anticipation. “How about 9:30, at Empire? You know where it is?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there. Thank you, Kurt.” The sincerity he heard there made him look up, and seeing it reflected in Blaine’s eyes just about killed him. Blaine shouldn’t be thanking him. He should be pissed; he should hate him; he should want nothing to do with him anymore. Kurt just nodded and unlocked the door to make his temporary escape.

In the safety of his costume studio, Kurt settled into the small desk mostly hidden behind a rack of costumes. _Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. I can’t do this. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t…_ He fumbled for his phone, wanting to call someone for advice, for reassurance, for a breath of sanity, but then realized he had no one he could call. He couldn’t talk to anyone about seeing Blaine and singing with Blaine and _oh god_ planning coffee with Blaine. He couldn’t call Rachel or his father or anyone because they would ask the questions they’d been asking for so long and he couldn’t deal with that. He didn’t want them to know what he’d done and look down on him.

Kurt sat there, head in his hands, thinking about the possible outcomes of meeting Blaine at Empire Coffee. He almost wished for a neutral party to meet them there. It could at least ease the tension. It seemed like it helped after the Chandler incident. But then that had been a different situation. One that had gone better than this probably would.

 

April 24, 2012

Their meeting with Miss Pillsbury may not have started off great, but it definitely ended better. Even back at his house, Kurt knew it wasn’t over yet, though. That evening Kurt paced in his room while Blaine sat on the bed, looking smaller and pulled in on himself. Kurt couldn’t stand it. He was okay when he and Blaine fought, when there was irritation or anger. It happened once in a while -- Blaine would carry a joke just a bit too long for Kurt to appreciate it, or Kurt would get too snippy and Blaine would call him on it. They’d argue a while, and get out their frustrations, and things would be fine. These were never serious disagreements, but even more, there was never any pain there. This wasn’t fighting. They’d fought when he found the texts, but this… this was just Blaine hurting, and he hated that. He knew he’d added to that pain; he also knew some of it was inevitable with his impending graduation. “You know I meant it, right? I love you like mad.”

Blaine nodded, but didn’t look up.

“You are _not_ gonna lose me.” Kurt sat next to Blaine, reaching out for his face to make eye contact.

“It’s okay. I know. I’m not upset about Chandler anymore.”

Kurt blinked, a little surprised at that. “Well, that’s good, because I’m not talking about Chandler anymore.”

And Blaine finally looked up, and seemed confused. “Then what _are_ you talking about?”

“I’m talking about us. About today at school, about you pulling away, about me going to New York, I’m talking about the stuff that matters, not the poor judgment and misunderstandings that centered around Chandler.”

“Okay…” Blaine watched him, leaving Kurt feeling a little self-conscious, but he was determined.

“Blaine, I love you. I have no interest in being with anyone else. How could I when I’ve got you? You’re amazing.”

“Kurt…” Blaine started, but Kurt pressed a finger against his lips

“No, shhhh, let me finish. You are incredible and I can’t get over how lucky I am to be with you. Our real issue here was that you didn’t want to be without me, and I can’t fix that, but I can tell you that you’re not alone in it. I’m planning to make myself so busy I don’t have time to miss you, but not so busy I can’t talk to you regularly. I’ll be counting down the days until we get to see each other again, and then I’ll start counting down until we can be in New York together. I love you.”

“I love you, too. So much.” Blaine grabbed Kurt around the back of his neck as he leaned in to kiss him, slow and deep and filled with emotion. Kurt blinked back the sudden tears as he went in for another kiss, cupping Blaine’s face between his hands, one thumb rubbing the soft spot behind Blaine’s right ear.

 

November 8, 2019

Kurt tried to busy himself by straightening things on his desk that didn’t need straightening. As he moved a notepad, he pondered his options here. He put away some folders of costume info and thought about calling Empire to leave a message for Blaine. No, that wouldn’t do it. Blaine would just come back to the theatre. He briefly debated the pros and cons of giving up his dream job, changing his name, and moving to Montana. _Oh who am I kidding? With my fashion sense, I’d never fit in there_. As he reorganized his pen and pencil collection, he tried to tell himself things would be okay. They were just meeting for a cup of coffee. _It’ll be fine. Or, you know, terrible. Maybe I shouldn’t go? Or maybe Blaine won’t even show up! That would be… no, of course Blaine will show. Maybe I shouldn’t go. I shouldn’t. I can’t!_

He couldn’t go. He’d broken so many promises to Blaine, what was one more? He couldn’t imagine anything good would come from meeting him for coffee now. They’d had a great relationship, but how could Blaine really want anything to do with him now? Oh! Oh shit! He was probably upset about Kurt working at the theatre. It wouldn’t be fair to mess up Blaine’s chances of a job. Blaine probably wanted to know if they could work together. Fuck, the thought of having to sit through rehearsals, fittings, costume meetings… oh God! measurements! He wanted to believe he could be that close to Blaine, measuring him and fitting costumes on him, without thinking inappropriate thoughts. He wanted to believe they could work together. Blaine had been his best friend, and they worked well together before they ever dated, but then again, that was also before they’d loved so deeply and definitely before Kurt screwed it all up. Hell, even after Kurt confessed his feelings, they’d remained friends, though they did compare themselves to Harry and Sally. Oh. Oh oh oh! What if they could still get together in the end? Would that even be an option? No, no he couldn’t let himself think about that. He knew how Blaine felt about cheating, and there was just no way…

And then he thought about another time when he hadn’t known how to face someone.

“Shit, I have to go.”

Kurt muttered to himself all the way to the coffee house.

“‘Courage.’ That bastard. ‘Courage.’ Of course I’ll be there now. That’s like telling a frat boy you double dog dare him. Damn it.”

Kurt took a long, deep breath before he opened the door and got in line, trying to seem as casual and anything-but-nervous as he possibly could. He studiously avoided looking at Blaine while trying desperately to act as though he wasn’t purposely _not_ looking at Blaine. Once he’d collected his mocha, he walked straight to the table Blaine had already claimed pretending he didn’t know Blaine had been watching him the whole time. He still had no idea what Blaine wanted to talk about, or how stressful this conversation might get, but he felt oddly calmer the closer he got to Blaine’s table. Well, that wasn’t completely true – calmer, but also more likely to vibrate off the face of the planet with nerves. Blaine watched him walk to the table and met his eyes, smiling.

“You’re early.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am doing my best to avoid spoilers. I prefer not to hear ANYTHING about season four, so please leave it out of your comments. Anything else Glee-related, I'm probably thrilled to talk about it!


	8. The Hardest Part Baby is Smiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday.  
> This fic is getting longer than I expected. It’s hit 50K written (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about two thirds done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter eight of who knows (but my current estimate is about 20).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for language  
> Blaine's Playlist: I strongly suggest you listen to the playlist. It won't time up with the reading, but it will give you a better overall conception of the events and feelings there. It's also got some of Darren Criss' videos in it. :D
> 
> it's at: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF1FDDB84A2CA5E87&feature=mh_lolz

The Lucky Ones - Chapter Eight: The Hardest Part Baby is Smiling

_The hardest part baby is smiling  
when your plans don't work out  
still count yourself a lucky one  
~ The Lucky Ones by Blackie and the Rodeo Kings_

 

November 8, 2019

Blaine went straight to Empire and scoped the place out to find the best table. He wanted something far enough from the door to prevent Kurt from running out without a fuss, but not so far in the back that they would be crowded and have people walking past them to the restrooms constantly.  He ordered a coffee and claimed a quiet booth in a little alcove. Once there, he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He flipped through his email on his phone, but there was nothing there he could actually focus on right now.

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:16am: San, I think I might have a heart problem._

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:19am: I know you don’t mean that, so what’s up?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:19am: shit, Kurt?_

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:20am: Yes. I’m meeting him for coffee._

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:24am: Good luck._

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:25am: That’s it? You’re not planning to reprimand me for it? Tell me I’m asking for trouble? Call him names again? Nothing?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:28am: No because a) you’ve already done that and b) you asked for this._

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:29am: Asked for it how, exactly?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:31am: When are you meeting him?_

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:32am: 9:30, but I’m already here. How did I ask for this?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:33am: Sit back and think about your gig at Dive the other night. You told me all about the power of music, and of lyrics. Think about those songs you chose while you wait for Kurt to come meet you._

November 3, 2019

Blaine and Santana sat at the quieter corner of the bar, having some fried mushrooms and calamari before Blaine’s gig. Santana watched Blaine fiddle with a mushroom, not even pretending to eat anymore. In fact, now that she thought about it, she wasn’t sure he’d had more than a bite or two. “You know, it’s traditional to eat those.”

He glanced up briefly, dropped the mushroom and reached for his drink. “I can’t do this tonight. I should have known better.” He finished off the whiskey and motioned to the bartender to get another.

“You’re gonna want to eat more before you pickle yourself, sweetie. You don’t drink like this anymore. Your liver’s out of practice.” Santana sipped her gin and tonic and popped another bite of calamari in her mouth.

“I’ll be okay. This is only my second drink, and if I’m supposed to _entertain_ people in an hour, I’ll probably still need another.”

Dave poured him some more whiskey and took a look at him. “How long’ve you been singing here, Blaine?”

“Um,” he started trying to remember dates and do math, but just couldn’t bring himself to care enough about it at that moment. “I don’t know, a while.”

“Well, I’ve been here two years, and I haven’t known you to skip a gig unless you were in a show. I was gonna request that new Maroon 5 song. What’s it called again?”

Blaine just shrugged and took another sip of his whiskey. He hadn’t really been listening because the new girl at the mic was singing a nice, but honestly mediocre, version of Blackbird and Blaine was just overwhelmed with missing Kurt. He blinked quickly and sniffed once, took another sip of his drink, and looked at Santana, determined.

“I… I need help San. I need to… I” he took another large sip, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. “Okay, remember when I said I was done with this and wanted to stop waiting for Kurt?”

“Yeah. I can see it’s made a huge impact on your life, too.”

“Shut up. Listen. That was in March.”

“Yeah, and it’s November. You needs ta be gettin your groove back, Stella.”

“You’re right!” he smiled at the fact that he nearly made Santana spew her drink.

She swallowed quickly and looked up in surprise. “I am? I mean, yeah, _I_ know I am, but how do _you_ know I am?”

He downed the rest of his whiskey and held the empty glass out to Dave who nodded from down the bar and finished the drink he was mixing for another customer. “I know,” his smile was relaxed, he looked almost happy. No, not happy. She’d seen Blaine truly happy in high school. But he looked… hopeful. “See, it’s a language.”

“What is?”

“Music!” He pounced toward her slightly, covering her hand with his and she couldn’t hold back the giggle. When Blaine relaxed and got excited about things, he was closer to the happy boy she’d first met. It was nice, not that she’d ever admit it out loud. “Music is its own language, and it speaks to the subconscious. For people like us, especially. Think about when we were in school. Mr. Schue always had those dorky assignments, but can you honestly look back and say you didn’t learn anything about yourself, about life, about love, about anything… that those songs didn’t help you work through issues and figure out what you needed to do and, I don’t know, serve as some sort of musical therapy session?”

“No.” Santana shook her head. “No, as much as I might not want to talk about it and get all mushy, I have to say you’re right. I have Glee to thank for a lot of things I probably wouldn’t have dealt with until years later otherwise.”

“So you see what I need to do, then?”

“Um, sing?” She offered Dave her now-empty glass after he filled Blaine’s again.

“Yes! And I need to do it tonight because it’s the anniversary of…”

“…the day Kurt Hummel proved that he was the biggest idiot in the moron parade?”

He took a sip and shook his head quickly “the… our non-anniversary, our un-iversary, whatever. The point is that’s today. And if I want to stop waiting for Kurt to come back, and be ready for real love to come into my life again, then I should teach myself a lesson about that.”

And before Santana could figure out what he was talking about, he took his drink and headed up to the stage. She accepted her new gin and tonic and turned to watch the train wreck she felt sure was coming.

“Good evening everyone! I’m Blaine Anderson, and I really appreciate you all being here tonight.” He started tuning his guitar as he talked. “Hey Joe, Lynda, Thomas, I’m gonna need your help in a couple songs, okay?” The musicians nodded from their table and Blaine turned his attention back to the audience as he started strumming the opening of his first song. “You know, when I was in high school, I was a member of the glee club. We were good. We won Nationals twice – well, they did.” He took a sip of his drink. “I uh, I left a few months before their second win, but that’s not the important part of the story. Now I know, you think ‘oh glee clubs are lame’ but I’m telling you, those were honestly some of the best times of my life. But when you leave high school, sometimes you lose people along the way.”

Santana listened as he sang, imagining how hard it would have been to lose Brittany.

_I let the day go by / I always say goodbye / I watch the stars from my window sill / The whole world is moving and I’m standing still_

And “The World Spins Madly On” was appropriate. She remembered how hard he’d had it after the breakup. He’d still been determined to graduate in December, so he had pushed everything aside for six weeks, focusing on his exams, his final papers, his early admission paperwork for NYU. It wasn’t until just after the new year when Kurt had moved into his dorm and Blaine became Santana’s new roommate that he’d finally slowed down enough to start really _feeling_ the breakup.

It hit him the second morning in the apartment. He woke up and said he’d been suddenly hit by the realization that he was sleeping in Kurt’s old room. He got a little obsessed with searching the room for some sign of Kurt, some little remnant he might have left behind. Santana thought he might have been hoping for an excuse to look him up or to think he’d left behind a secret message or a subconscious desire to be together again. That state of denial had eaten a week of his life before it tapered off. Santana and Brittany had been there through his anger, his attempts to reach Kurt again, his sweatpants and ice cream days, and she’d seen how much it hurt him to realize that the rest of the world was going forward when he was in so much pain.

“I lost someone very special to me, someone I thought would be in my life forever, and I guess I’ve kinda failed at the moving on part of things.” Santana was surprised by his openness here, but smiled up at him when he briefly made eye contact. “It’s been a long road to get here, to get to the point of not wishing for the past again. For the longest time, everything was a reminder… that was rough. I’m ready to have the happy, wistful memories now.” He finally sounded like he was really ready to move on as he began strumming for his next song. She knew most people couldn’t understand him pining over a high school relationship for so long, but she’d seen their love and she’d seen his pain. Living with Blaine through that, it made her appreciate Britt even more.

Thinking about her made Santana smile, and she pulled out her phone to touch base.

_To My Girl: Nov 3, 8:41pm: Hey baby, hope your evening’s going great. I love you so much. Like really, a lot. I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you._

Blaine was singing about all those reminders now, and how he was “So Sick” of them. She hoped this meant he would finally pack away the framed picture from Kurt’s Senior prom.

_Gotta fix that calendar I have / That’s marked July 15 th / Because since there’s no more you / There’s no more anniversary_

She thought she heard his voice crack on that line, and she felt so bad for him, but also so proud of him. He needed this, and it would be better.

_From My Girl: Nov 3, 8:45pm: I love you too! On a 5, got more rehearsal. Blaine okay?_

_To My Girl: Nov 3, 8:46pm: He will be. How’d you know?_

_From My Girl: Nov 3, 8:48: You always tell me how much you appreciate me when Blaine’s extra sad about Kurt._

Santana hit her speed dial and waited anxiously until Brittany answered. “Oh god, baby, you know I appreciate you all the time, right? I know I don’t tell you enough and I’m so sorry…”

“Sweetie, it’s fine. I just said you always tell me then. You tell me other times, too, and you show me every day.”

Santana let out a slow breath and a slight chuckle. “You’re amazing.”

“I love you too. I have to get back now, okay. I love you so much!”

“Love you too, baby. Bye.”

Santana smiled at the phone, taking a moment to be grateful for how happy they still were after all this time. She just wished Blaine could get that again. She turned her attention back to the stage to watch him wind down the song and the other musicians joined him on the stage. He put his guitar down and reached for his drink during the applause. “All right. Sorry if I’ve been a little self-indulgent here. Though you should have seen me a few years ago – I was very much in a ‘want you back’ phase, and I think we did this song every week. I hope you enjoy it tonight while I try to have a little more fun with it this time.” The horns started, Blaine drummed the air and picked up his drink again, and Santana watched as he started the song she’d heard him sing at least a dozen times.

_Now if you ever change your mind / about leavin’ about leavin’ me behind / ooohhhohohh / bring it to me / just bring your sweet lovin’ / mmm bring it on home to me_

Yeah, he sounded different this time. Like he still meant it, but he wasn’t begging for it. The whole song took on a different tone with that new energy. He pointed at people in the audience, waved his arms around like a tiny pop diva, and sipped on his drink between lines. This was a side of Blaine she hadn’t seen in a while, and she just hoped she’d see more of it now. When the horns did their bit, he downed the rest of his whiskey and motioned to Dave for another refill. By the time the song came to a close, he had the audience in the palm of his hand and the guitarist watching him for cues. Santana couldn’t help but smile at the applause and screams he got.

He applauded the band as they wandered back off stage. “We’ll see more of them later. I promise you all another set tonight, okay? A happier one. I just need to get this out of my system, you know? Really say goodbye.” He got his refill from Dave and took a long sip. “He promised he’d never say good bye, so I guess I have to do it.”  Santana heard the cynicism in his voice, the betrayal she knew he felt at that broken promise, and she – not for the first time in the past several years – wanted to give Hummel a solid piece of her mind.

_And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time / I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine / I want you, but I’m not giving in this time_

He definitely seemed stronger, more solid, more _Blaine_ than he’d been in years. Her phone buzzed and she was a little surprised to see Berry’s name on the screen.

_From Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 8:58pm: Are you by any chance spending the evening with Blaine? I’ve been trying to reach him, but there’s been no response to my text messages, and though we’re not as close as we once were, he’s still my friend and I’m worried about him._

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 8:59pm: He’s here, Hobbit, don’t worry. He seems to be in no danger unless the crowd suddenly hates him._

She watched him have another sip between songs and sent another message.

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:00pm: His liver may be in danger, though. I’m keeping watch._

He played a familiar tune as he looked out over the crowd, the melancholy tune pulling people in as he began singing.

_Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight / it’s two a.m. I’m drunk again / it’s heavy on my mind_

_I could never love again / so much as I love you / where you end where I begin / is like a river flowing through_

_So take my eyes / take my heart / I need them no more / if never again they fall upon / the one I so adore_

Santana sipped her drink as he sang his request for another. Half the bar was swaying in time with the music, completely caught up in his mood.

_From Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:02pm: Would you like some help? As you may recall, I am familiar with the hetero-normative flirtatiousness of an inebriated Blaine._

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:03pm: Damn, girl, can’t you just text in normal words like everyone else? I think I can handle Pint-Sized Gay for the night, but thanks._

_From Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:04pm: I spoke to Kurt today, just in case you were curious._

Santana looked up at the stage again, listening to Blaine’s clear tones on “Someone Like You” and thinking back to the mash-up she’d done with the Trouble Tones. It had been a rough month for her, but it all worked out okay eventually. Even her abuela had finally come around after not seeing Santana for nearly two years. Things were still strained, and they didn’t talk about it, but Brittany was welcome and Santana was part of the family again. It was a start. But Blaine was connecting to this song in such a very different way.

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:06pm: Oh really? And how is Mr. Dumped the Best Guy Ever and Can’t Be Bothered to Keep in Touch with Friends doing these days?_

_From Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:07pm: Not as well as I’d like, to be honest. And, um, he answers to Kurt better. Really._

She glanced at the message but didn’t respond yet. Listening to Blaine as he wound down the song, as he repeated the _sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead_ bit, she wondered what the real story was. As long ago as it was, and as much as they were both still hurting, she couldn’t imagine what would have driven Kurt to give up their relationship. They’d been stupid happy together.

“I don’t actually know that he’s found someone else. We’re not in touch, but I guess I do sometimes wish I could see him again, let him know…”he let out a chuckle and sang the line again “that for me, it isn’t over…” Santana worried that this was it, the end of his strong façade for the evening, that he was about to fall over sobbing, but instead he just sighed and took another drink. “So, yeah, sometimes it hurts, but… well, this song says it all, really. You just have to trust that there’s an answer, and that you’ll know it when it comes, right?” He slung his guitar over his shoulder and stepped up to the keyboard upstage.

_When I find myself in times of trouble / Mother Mary calls to me / whispering words of wisdom / let it be_

Santana hoped he wasn’t investing too much on the “chance that they will see” but if the song could bring him peace, that was good enough for her.

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:09pm: Fine. But he hurt my boy, and that’s not something I can just overlook. Damn, this was so much easier when it was an outsider. Fuckin’ Fievel still doesn’t know how easy he got it after the damn slushie incident._

_From Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:11pm: So I should tell Kurt you miss him and wish him well?_

Santana glared at her phone and briefly tried to remember the name of the old Kinks song he’d just started playing. She’d heard him play the CD at home before and the tune sounded familiar, but she’d have to wait for lyrics to figure it out. “So this song, I’m dedicating mostly to myself. It’s gonna be my new mantra or something.”

_Here’s wishing you the bluest sky / and hoping something better comes tomorrow_

She watched him a bit longer, seeing the determination in his eyes, knowing that just a tiny little part of him still hoped Kurt would magically return to him. He probably always would wish for that somewhere in the back of his mind, but as long as he was willing to move on, she thought he’d be more open to whatever “something better” he might find. She guessed Kurt deserved to do the same.

_To Rachel Berry: Nov 3, 9:14pm: Yeah, whatever._

And then Blaine was declaring that his new love would need to be fearless, which oddly, she’d kinda thought Kurt was until she caught the fleeting frightened glances right after the breakup. She still thought he had probably moved out because he was afraid of her digging too deep. They’d gotten so close during those few months they lived together, but then Kurt cut everyone out and Blaine took his room, took over his part of the bills, and built himself a new pace in Santana’s life. Now, years later, it was hard to think about all this. No wonder Blaine was going crazy.

 

November 8, 2019

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:47am: Holy shit, you’re right. How could I think I was letting him go when I was really still hoping for him back?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:48am: They aren’t mutually exclusive. Don’t you know the “set them free” rule about loving people?_

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:48am: Yeah, true._

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:50am: I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I don’t know what to say when he walks through the door. Why am I here again?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:52am: That depends on what you want from this? Do you want to talk? Do you want to see if you can be civil? Get back together? Have a final fuck? What’s the goal here?_

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:55am: I’m not sure. I thought about it, and I don’t think I could handle anything casual with him. I don’t think we’re made for casual. Back together? In theory, yes, I’d love that, but he didn’t want me then, so why would he now?_

_From Santana: Nov 8, 8:56am: Then I guess you need some answers._

_To Santana: Nov 8, 8:58am: Shit. He’s early. I’ll call you later._

Blaine saw Kurt when he first opened the door, watched him from the corner of his eye as Kurt stood in line behind two girls clearly on their way to or from yoga and the young mom probably taking her kids to the park or a play date. He watched while trying not to watch, wondering about Kurt’s thougts, questioning himself about his goals and motives here, worrying that he’d done the wrong thing or been too pushy. He took in Kurt’s stance – tall and straight just like he remembered, but with his head down, as if he were trying not to get noticed or make eye contact with anyone around him; he stood with his shoulders hunched a bit and his arms crossed tightly in front of him almost as if he were cold, though Blaine didn’t think that the most likely reason.

He was just far enough from the counter that he couldn’t actually hear the words when Kurt ordered, which set him wondering if Kurt’s order had changed. What if he had been with someone new all this time, had grown and changed with some other man? What if he had dated several people? Blaine had… or had hooked up… more than he was proud to admit, really. Could Kurt have done the same? Maybe that’s even why he called it off? He watched Kurt take his drink and nod at the barrister. Watched him walk across the dining area toward the small table by the window. Life almost seemed to switch into slow motion as Kurt side-stepped a small child and slowed slightly to allow an elderly couple to pass in front of him, then continued weaving his way around the tables and chairs – _and when did this place suddenly get so big?_ – until he was there. Blaine looked up and met those familiar eyes he’d missed so much. Suddenly, his mind was blank, so he smiled and said the only thing that came to mind.

“You’re early.”


	9. There's a Brand New Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday. (sorry this one’s late – I kinda lost Monday this week)  
> This fic is getting longer than I expected. It’s hit 50K written (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about two thirds done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter eight of who knows (but my current estimate is about 20).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. – This is actually the first chapter (I think) that’s all taken place in the same day.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for language

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Nine: There’s a Brand New Chance

_In the morning light  
The sun shines bright   
There's a brand new chance   
To make things right   
  
But it feels like   
Every time I take the leap   
I think I'll end up on my feet   
But if history tells me anything   
I'll have bruises on my back   
  
_

_~ The Lucky Ones by Val Emmich_

 

November 8, 2019

“You’re early.”

Kurt offered a small, polite smile that didn’t come close to reaching his eyes, and scooted into the small booth. Blaine watched his movements, trying not to get too caught up in the beauty of Kurt since he didn’t have a clue where this conversation would take them.

“I hope that’s not a problem?” Kurt offered as he carefully unwound his scarf and pulled off the matching gloves, laying them gently at his side.

“No!” Blaine reached toward him but pulled his hand back quickly, reminding himself to take it easy. “I – uh” he cleared his throat desperately. “Sorry, no, it’s fine. I hope you weren’t planning on having time alone here. I just… Well, I didn’t have any other plans so I thought I’d just wait here.”

“It’s fine, Blaine. Really. I’m the one that should be apologizing.” Kurt’s cynical tone said so much, and it only gave Blaine more questions. He just watched as Kurt took a slow, cautious sip of his mocha, and for a moment, Blaine was transported back to the Lima Bean and it was almost as if they didn’t have pain and heartbreak and seven fucking years between them.

He looked at his cup studiously, noting the differences between Empire’s coffee cups and The Lima Bean’s cups, reminding himself where they were and why they were here. “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.”

“I suppose it’s long overdue.” Kurt looked a little reserved, but seemed sincere enough even as he directed his gaze to his coffee cup.

“It’s really good to see you, Kurt. I’ve asked Rachel about you…” Blaine stopped short, not wanting to seem like a stalker or anything. “How’ve you been?”

Kurt looked up briefly, not quite meeting Blaine’s eyes before scrutinizing his cup again. “I’ve been all right, I suppose. Just busy with school and then work. But I’m sure that’s not why you wanted to talk to me.”

“That’s part of it. I was asking because I honestly wanted to know, not because I thought I should.” Blaine had wondered if he’d feel angry again, or hurt again, but he found he just felt… hopeful? Curious? Nostalgic? Yes, he decided when he saw the surprised look in Kurt’s eyes, he definitely felt all those things. Santana had helped him realize it; he’d let go of the wishing, but he couldn’t let go of his hope.

“Okay.” His voice sounded different, and Blaine couldn’t pinpoint the change. Kurt seemed confused, hesitant in his agreement. “What else did you want to talk about?”

“I…” Blaine glanced around, now wishing he’d thought of somewhere more private for them to meet. He wasn’t sure they could really connect here in the midst of the busy coffee house, but he had to try. He forced his gaze back toward Kurt, waiting patiently until Kurt raised his head and their eyes met. He needed Kurt to see this, to believe it. He wondered if it was wishful thinking to believe they both needed it. “I just wanted to talk. I’ve missed you, Kurt.”

 _I’ve missed you, Kurt._ The words reverberated in Kurt’s head, reminding him of so many other phrases he’d heard like that. _I love you, Kurt. You move me, Kurt. I want you, Kurt. We’re the lucky ones, Kurt. I need you, Kurt. That’s cheating, Kurt._ Kurt felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He let out a rush of breath and tried to look away, but it seemed Blaine’s charisma was working its magic just as it had when they knew each other. He suddenly heard “Teenage Dream” in his head and got lost in the mental image of Blaine and the Warblers doing their simple step-touch in the Senior Commons of Dalton Academy. Kurt dipped his head and closed his eyes, trying to bring himself back to the present, to bring his focus back, slow his breathing, trying to act like Blaine couldn’t still affect him so strongly, trying desperately to ignore the fact that he’d give just about anything to touch him again right now. But he couldn’t. He’d given up that right, and he just needed to get through this and get on with his life.

Just as he was trying to convince himself he could continue this conversation, he felt the warmth and pressure of Blaine’s hand on his wrist. He opened his eyes, looking directly at his arm first, trying to force himself to believe that Blaine was actually making contact with him, voluntarily. But almost as soon as he saw the familiar fingers pressed into the sleeve of his thick cabled sweater, they were gone and Blaine was stammering.

“Sorry, I just… I didn’t mean to… I” Kurt managed to move his gaze across the table and found himself mesmerized by Blaine’s hand: the curve of his fingernails, the tiny scar next to Blaine’s thumb, the elegant movement of his fingers – fingers that played piano so beautifully, fingers that had trailed through his hair and over his body, that had straightened his collar and twined with his own and a million other memories that now cut straight to his heart. Blaine clenched his hand into a fist as he took an audible breath. “I don’t mean to push. You seemed upset, and I swear I don’t want to upset you.”

“You didn’t… _upset_ me. I’m just… to be perfectly honest I’m really not sure what you want from me.”

“To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure, either. I just know I’ve really missed having you in my life, and I’d like to talk, and, I guess, see what happens.”

“You want to ‘see what happens’? Don’t you want to tell me off or something?” Kurt kept his eyes down, but couldn’t help wondering what Blaine really felt about all this. He had to be holding something back.

“I thought maybe I would, but I know you, Kurt. Or at least, I did. And the Kurt I knew then wouldn’t have given up what we had unless he had a damn good reason. I don’t know what that reason could have been, and I hope it wasn’t me, but if you honestly believed that was your only option…”

“It was.” Even Kurt was surprised at how small his voice sounded. He’d never wanted to have this conversation with Blaine, but he knew there was little he could do about it now. He took a breath, wishing he could gather courage from the air because he would certainly need it to say this. “Blaine, I’m sorry for the way things happened, the way things ended betwee…” _sigh_ “the way I ended things. I really am. But I can’t talk to you about this. If you want to talk about anything else, feel free to ask, but that… I won’t talk about it. I’ll leave.”

They sat there in silence for an excruciatingly long moment as Kurt thought about what he’d said, wondered if he’d been too forward, too mean about it, worried that he was pushing Blaine out of his life again, and then worried that he hadn’t pushed Blaine far or hard enough. He finally decided that was it and reached out for his scarf on the table, but there they were again – Blaine’s fingers, on his hand this time.

“Please don’t go.”

That was it. That tone. He never could resist Blaine, and that hopeful pleading tone in his voice just made it that much more difficult. He looked up then, trying not to move, or flinch, or breathe too fast, or do anything that would take away the warm, familiar feeling of Blaine’s hand on his. How could something feel so familiar when it had been gone for so very long? Kurt felt his eyes watering and hoped Blaine wouldn’t notice. Suddenly the past seven years meant nothing, the things that kept them apart were miniscule, and all he knew was how much he wanted desperately to be back in those comforting arms. He blinked a few times, swallowed thickly and took a slow, deep breath as he raised his head to lock eyes with Blaine.

“Okay.” Kurt’s response was more breath than speech, but it was enough for Blaine, enough to know that he had at least a little more time. He just wasn’t sure what to do next. How could they move beyond this without talking about it first? Beyond the obstacles of their past and the uncertainties around their breakup? How could Blaine reach out without making things worse? He didn’t even know how to find out what Kurt wanted from this, and he certainly couldn’t put into words what he hoped to get from it. He honestly thought he’d be okay with any level of contact Kurt was willing to offer, but he had to admit he knew what his heart hoped for.

“Thank you. I, of course I want to know about that, but it doesn’t have to be now. The most important thing is…” he paused, knowing these questions were crucial, even though he was afraid he might hate the answers. “Are you willing to talk? To see what happens?” Blaine looked down at his hand, still resting over Kurt’s. He moved his thumb slightly, wrapping it under Kurt’s palm and offering a slight squeeze. He hoped his voice wouldn’t sound shaky when he said “Please?” but it did.

He heard Kurt’s gasp and looked up, vision blurring slightly for a moment until he blinked the extra moisture away. Kurt was watching him, blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears, but he didn’t speak. Blaine felt the hand he was holding tense up slightly, but Kurt didn’t pull away. That had to be good, right?

“Yes, I’d like to talk, but I – I c..can’t right now. I’m sorry. I’m just… here.” Kurt pulled out his phone and opened up the contact list before offering it to Blaine. “Give me your number? I’ll text you later, or something, and we can try… just, it’s too much right now, all at once. I can’t… but I want to… to talk, I mean. I will. Just…”

Blaine took the phone in his free hand, determined to hold on to Kurt as long as he could. It felt like a lifeline he hadn’t known he’d needed, and he wanted to draw out that small bit of contact as long as possible. He quickly programmed his number and handed it back to Kurt with a smile and a slight squeeze of his other hand. “I understand. Thank you.”

Kurt took the phone back slowly, almost cautiously, as if he expected it to blow up in his face. He glanced from the phone to Blaine’s face, to their joined hands on top of his scarf, and back to meet Blaine’s eyes, the confusion evident in his gaze.

“Um, you’re welcome?”

Blaine chuckled a little. “That sounded more like a question.”

“Probably because I don’t understand what you’re thanking me for.”

“For meeting me, and for saying you’ll contact me again. I’ll look forward to it.”

Kurt just nodded and his hand slipped from Blaine’s grasp as Kurt gathered his scarf and gloves and left the table. Blaine smiled to himself when he heard Kurt’s quiet whisper, “oh god I hope so.”

He watched Kurt leave the shop and turn the corner before calling Santana.

 

Kurt felt like he was doing fairly well as he walked back to the theatre, until he realized his hands were shaking so much it took him the whole walk back to get his gloves on. He groaned as he yanked them back off and started muttering to himself as he turned the corner toward his studio. “This is ridiculous, what the hell am I thinking? I can’t just… _talk_ to him. It’ll never work.”

“What won’t work?” Lindsey asked.

“OH! Jesus, Lindsey, you scared the shit out of me!” His hands flew to his chest and he took a quick step back. She laughed it off in her good-natured way, but Kurt was frantically focusing on calming his heart and forcing his voice back down to normal registers.

“Sorry. I was just leaving you a note that Sara wants to see you as soon as you get back.”

“Right. I’ll ‘be back’ in five minutes.” He smiled at her, hoping he could get the time to compose himself.

“Uh-huh. And then I’ll ask you again.” She winked and walked away. Kurt rolled his eyes as he closed the door to take advantage of these few minutes.

He had to stay calm and focus on work. He could deal with Blaine later, or come up with reasons _not_ to deal with him, maybe. Right now was not the time to wonder just what Blaine really wanted, or if they could actually talk at all without Blaine pushing for Kurt to talk about their breakup, or how long Kurt would be willing to fight that just to stay in touch now that he’d seen Blaine again. No, he couldn’t think of those things right now. He had to focus on work. He took a few deep breaths, gave a quick nod to no one, and headed down the hall toward Sara’s office. He could keep Blaine off his mind and focus on the show. Focus on the job. That’s it.

“Kurt! Good to see you. I was hoping you can tell me about Blaine Anderson!”

 _Shit. Of course._ “Sara, Good morning.”

“Good morning to you, too! Now come on. Sit down here and tell us what the hell happened on that stage last night?” Sara was leaning over her desk, nearly rising up out of her chair, and Lindsey was pushing Kurt toward a chair and pulling the other one over so she could sit in it while still holding onto him. He looked from one to the other and tried to pull inward on himself to get further away. He was feeling a little panicked, and not entirely sure how to handle it.

“Um, last night?” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. He could do this. If he could hold off Santana _and_ Rachel, he could handle these two. “What about it?”

Lindsey squeezed his arm and practically squealed “That last guy you sang with last night – you know him, right? You know him from somewhere? There’s a story here.”

“Yes.” There was no point denying that much. “Yes, I know him…” _biblically, you could say_ “Or, I did. In high school. We…” _were in love, were each other’s firsts, were supposed to be forever_ “we dated.” _I loved him more than anything. I got drunk and fucked up._ “It ended…” _I couldn’t face it, so I bailed. I fucked up again._ “kinda badly. We hadn’t seen each other since the breakup which was…” _the second stupidest thing I’ve ever done, the only thing I could do, in the hopes that not knowing would somehow make it less painful for him_ “my decision.” He paused, took a deep breath and willed them to listen to him. “I don’t talk about it, and I _won’t_ talk about it. Period. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

“Will you be able to work with him?” Sara’s tone was much calmer, somber and not pushing. Kurt wasn’t quite sure what to think about it.

“I hope so, because he’s the best damned Roger you’ve got.” Kurt smiled, showing off more confidence and joy than he felt, hoping Sara would drop it and let him get back to his studio. He knew he was out of luck when Lindsey chimed in.

“I’m not sure how much of that was him, and how much was you singing with him.” She elbowed him teasingly.

“He was singing alone for the second song, and I listened to all of them sing alone. Of course, the decision is up to you, and it may change when they sing with your options for Mimi and Mark, but I think we can be professional if he’s cast. If there’s a problem…” he would leave, but he couldn’t tell Sara that, “we’ll take care of it. We’re adults.” He gripped the arm of the chair a little tighter, trying to keep them from seeing just how nervous he really was. He needed time to himself, time to process things. He’d always needed a little time to adjust to the big stuff, and this whole situation with Blaine was definitely the big stuff.

“Okay. We’re calling him back today. We’ll see what happens.” Sara looked at Kurt and waited, but he just stared at a random spot on her desk. “Lindsey, could you go ahead and make the calls so we can get them here tomorrow, say, 10am? We’ll want Mimis, Rogers, Marks, Angels, and Toms in the morning. We’ll get Joannes, Maureens, and Bennys at 4:00. That gives us time to see some of them today and argue about which ones we want to see again.” She and Lindsey laughed and Kurt nodded as Lindsey patted him on the shoulder before leaving the office.

“Did you need something else from me?” He leaned forward, ready to stand up and leave.

“Kurt,” Sara came around the desk and knelt in front of him, reaching out to take his hand. “Are you doing okay? I understand if you don’t want to talk about bad memories, but is there something new? Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“I’m fine, Sara. It’s … complicated, and I haven’t had time to process it all yet. He was waiting for me this morning. I just need to listen to myself think for a bit and maybe distract myself with work for a few hours, and it’ll be fine. I appreciate the offer, though, and I promise I’ll come to you if I feel I need to talk about things. Okay?”

“Okay. I’ll hold you to that!” She stood and stepped back, letting him get up as well. “Hug?”

“Thanks,” he accepted a brief hug and practically scampered out the door, seeking the privacy of his studio again.

Once there, Kurt pulled out his phone. He considered his options; calling Rachel to tell her what happened – but he’d have to face her in a few hours anyway after her rehearsal, calling his dad – but his dad would ask questions he didn’t feel ready to answer, texting Blaine – but there were so many things to not say to him. He settled on sitting there staring at the phone until he lost track of time. At some point (though he couldn’t have said when), Kurt started mindlessly puttering around the studio, checking notions inventory, measuring the fabrics he already had, cataloging the clothes that might work for RENT costumes. He jumped when his phone chirped at him, signaling a text message, and was glad he was alone in his embarrassment.

_From Rachel: Nov 8, 3:21pm: I’m standing outside the theatre now. Will you be watching my audition? I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous about this?_

_To Rachel: Nov 8, 3:21pm: ok. Yes. I don’t know. You’ll be great._

He made his way to the auditorium and settled into a seat a few rows behind Sara and Lindsey.

Sara turned to look at him. “You know, you can sit up here with us.”

“I’m fine here. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You sure? I mean, we seem to be considering a lot of your friends.”

“God, Sara, _two_ is not a lot, and they’re from high school. Just ignore me sitting here, and get on with it!” He didn’t miss the smirk she shared with Lindsey before they got down to business with the auditions. To make sure these candidates could really grasp the energy and personality of Maureen, they were having each one do “Over the Moon” today. The best would be called back the next day to do “Take Me or Leave Me” with the finalists for Joanne. Kurt was pleased to see that Rachel was the second one up today, which meant he wouldn’t actually have to sit through five “Over the Moon” renditions in a row.

When Lindsey went to call Rachel to the stage, Sara turned back to Kurt. “She looks a lot like a young Idina Menzel, don’t you think? I don’t know if I think that’s a good thing or a bad thing in this case.”

“I suppose she does, though it’s a good thing no one mentioned that to her when she was younger or she would have convinced herself Idina actually _was_ her mother. Instead she briefly fixated on the idea of Patti LuPone.”

“She didn’t think her real mother was her mother?” Sara was interested enough to actually look up from her notes.

“Rachel was raised by a gay couple. They had a surrogate, and Rachel didn’t meet her until she was 16. Before that, she kinda thought Patti LuPone had given birth to her during a brief respite from the stage. She was just searching for a connection, and then even when she did meet her birth mother, there wasn’t much of a relationship, but I think she’s gotten over it. Thankfully she got over the LuPone fantasies before we made it to Nationals our Senior year and she actually met her in a restaurant.”

“Yeah, I can see how that could have been problematic.” Sara laughed and turned back toward the stage as Rachel stepped out from the wings with Lindsey.

“Sara? We have number 67, singing ‘Over the Moon’ for the part of Maureen.” Lindsey announced as she was leaving the stage.

Rachel’s performance was, of course, brilliant, and Kurt couldn’t help but grin at the very demanding way she said “Moo with me!” It reminded him so much of their Glee days and her incessant demands. He was suddenly surprised at just how much he missed her. They had a friendship that might not have made sense to others, but he’d been happy to call her his friend by the time they graduated High School. Kurt shook his head, as if it would help to clear his thoughts. The last thing he needed was more nostalgia. This was just happening because he’d run into Blaine. Shit, Blaine. He was going to have to do something about this, make some sort of decision about what to do or say or…

“Thank you!” Sara’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “We’ll be in touch this evening about final callbacks. If things work out, you may have a high school reunion on your hands!”

“I would, of course, be thrilled to be working with my dear friend, Kurt, again, but please be assured that I understand and appreciate that your casting will be based on my talents and proven work ethic alone.”

“Oh yes, of course! But I didn’t mean just Kurt. One of our Roger finalists is also from your school. Feel free to come chat with Kurt if you’d like, but we need to get to the next candidate for Maureen.”

 _Shit. Shit fuck fuck damn Sara why the hell did you have to say that? Damn it!_ Kurt pulled his sweater around him a little tighter as he stood and moved toward the aisle to meet Rachel. He hadn’t missed the slight raised eyebrows and curiosity on Rachel’s face when Sara mentioned another of their classmates auditioning. There was no way he could avoid those questions, which would only lead to more questions. He held a finger to his lips as Rachel approached and motioned her toward the exit that would eventually lead them to his studio.

All the way to his studio, Rachel tried to ask questions, but each time, Kurt stopped her with a hand gesture, a quick nod, a raised eyebrow. He waited until they’d gotten settled in a couple of chairs, the door closed behind them, though there shouldn’t have been anyone in the halls anyway. He took a deep breath and fixed Rachel in his gaze. “Yes?”

“Oh my god, Kurt! There’s someone else here from McKinley? Is he from New Directions? Why didn’t you tell me? Is it… is it Sam? Or maybe Mike? That could be interesting, though he wouldn’t get to dance much…Oh shit, it’s Finn, isn’t it? You didn’t tell me because you thought it would be problematic for us to possibly work together after all these years. I don’t see why we couldn’t be mature and responsible about this. Oh god, if he ruins this for me with his goofiness and unprofessionalism, I’ll kill him. I really will. You could have told me about this, you know. How long have you known?”

“I continue to be amazed by the fact that I can miss this kind of insanity.” Kurt shook his head and smiled at her. “Rach. Breathe. It’s not Finn. He’s still in school in Minnesota and you know how he feels about New York, Rachel.”

“Oh, of course.” She breathed deep and offered him a well-practiced smile. “So, who is it? Who might we be working with?”

“Blaine.” If Kurt hadn’t been so nervous about this whole situation, he would have found it quite comical to watch her eyes go wide and her mouth drop open. “And yes, I will tell you what I know, and no, you will _not_ dredge up the past again.”

“But…”

“No.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and huffed in frustration. “Fine, how was his audition? When did you see him? Have you talked? Are you going to? Do you still have feelings for him? Did you…”

“Rachel!” He put up a hand to try and stop her incessant questioning before it could get completely out of hand. “His audition was fantastic, of course, and unless he really doesn’t click with either of the finalists for Mark and Mimi, I think he’ll get it. I saw him yesterday when he came in for his first callback. Um, Sara had me singing Mark’s part of ‘What You Own’ for the Roger potentials.”

Rachel’s eyebrows went up and she gave him a big smile. “You _sang together_?!? Oh my gosh, that must have been amazing! You two always did sound lovely together, and I bet you both did wonderfully with that song. It sounds so romantic – being reunited with your first love after so long, on a stage, singing, the way you were both meant to be.”

“Think about it for a minute. You _just_ freaked out because you were worried about that exact thing happening to you. It wasn’t roses and love songs and falling into each other’s arms. It was…” he paused, hardly able to believe he was actually going to talk about this. He pulled slightly at his collar and stared at crack in the old tile flooring. “It was stressful, nerve-wracking, and anything but romantic.”

She offered him a sympathetic look. “Okay, I can see the down-side, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have the potential to be the beginning of a romantic reunion. You didn’t answer my other questions, though.”

Kurt sighed. Why was he indulging her, exactly? “I had a very brief and tense conversation with him this morning. Of course I still have feelings for him, but that means nothing. Who _doesn’t_ still have some kind of feelings toward their first love?” He gave her a pointed look, knowing that her feelings about Finn had been confusing to her at best, despite her string of boyfriends since then. “I told him, though, that I’m not ready to talk much. I…” He had to look away then, really wishing he could just make everyone go away so he could hide in his apartment forever. He couldn’t put words to what he had been feeling since he first heard Blaine the day before. “I need to process. I just… I need time.”

“Kurt! It’s been seven years.”

“I KNOW THAT!” He wondered if he looked as surprised at that outburst as he felt. He knew Rachel did. “Sorry. I know, though. I just…” His voice dropped to just above a whisper as he said, “I guess I kind of thought I’d never see him again, so I wasn’t prepared for this.”

“So what are you going to do?”

Kurt thought about that question, and all the possible answers. _Find a rock to hide under. Build a time machine and avoid the whole problem. Hope we can be friends again someday. Beg him to take me back. Wait to see what he does._ _Have a nervous breakdown if the way my heart pounds when I think about it is any indication._ Ultimately, though, he said the only thing he really thought he could do.

“Try not to screw things up anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love to hear what my readers have to say. Thanks so much for the comments and kudos! I can't tell you how much it means to me.


	10. I Got So Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.  
> This fic is nearly 60K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 10 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 20).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. – This is actually the first chapter (I think) that’s all taken place in the same day.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for language

The Lucky Ones - Chapter 10: I Got So Scared

_I got so scared, I thought no one could save me_  
You came along scooped me up like a baby  
Every now and then, the stars align  
Boy and girl meet by the great design  
Could it be that you and me are the lucky ones?  
~ The Lucky Ones by Lana Del Rey

 

March 11, 2011

Wes listened with interest when Blaine interrupted Thad and David to say he was tired of the group being about him. He was surprised, however, when Blaine’s next statement was that they would lose at Regionals.

“I am incredibly grateful for the belief you’ve all given me, as a junior member, to lead you in all these wonderful songs this year. But, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions, I just know I can’t beat them on my own.”

Wes sat up a bit straighter, fingers interlocked on the table in front of him, and exchanged glances with Thad as they waited to see what Blaine was about to suggest.

“Which is why I propose that we rearrange our 11:00 number and turn it into a duet.”

Everyone started talking over each other, people in an outrage at the very suggestion. He’d have thought the guys, especially the younger ones who hadn’t made it past auditioning for solos, would have jumped at the chance to share the spotlight. Wes was also a little surprised by David’s suggestion about kazoos, and was about to speak when Blaine stood up and called for order. Yeah, that was questionable. He glanced at Thad again, but waited to see what Blaine had to say.

“Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti’s voice was silenced by death, and I don’t want to silence anyone else’s voices in this group.” Wes nodded his head in agreement. He had to admit, Blaine had a point. A point that really should have been made before. He couldn’t help but wonder what had triggered this change in Blaine. Could it really have been the bird’s death? “I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny little grave…”

“The placement of which has yet to be determined.”

Yeah, it was time to settle this. “All right,” Wes said. “A vote. Who’s in favor of Warbler Blaine’s proposal for a dual lead at Regionals?” He wasn’t surprised at all when Blaine’s hand went up first, or Jeff’s next, but he was pleased that it was unanimous.

He was already expecting it when Kurt leaned forward and stage-whispered, “Oh, can I put my name on the audition list?” What he wasn’t expecting was Blaine’s immediate response.

“No.” Kurt looked up at Blaine, questioning. “No auditions.” Wes wondered if anyone else noticed that Blaine was suddenly having a hard time catching his breath. Blaine had amazing breath control, but he suddenly seemed to be gasping a bit to say this. “I want to do the duet… with Kurt.” And suddenly it was all clear.

Kurt set about defending everyone’s right to audition which was really incredibly sweet and honorable of him. Meanwhile Jeff broke out into a huge grin, Trent got all thoughtful like he does when he’s a quarter step behind and trying to figure it out, David bumped elbows with Wes and winked at him, Josh and Billy shared a knowing smile, and Blaine interrupted Kurt’s comments by calling for a vote. Wes couldn’t hold back his smirk as he picked up the gavel. “Decided.”

Thad said “Congratulations, Kurt,” while Wes caught Blaine’s eye and motioned him over.

“I’m sorry, Wes, if I was overstepping. I just, it’s come to my attention that…”

“It’s all right, Blaine. I’d like you to stay a minute after the meeting though, if you have the time.”

“Um, sure.” He looked around to see that most of the guys were heading out already. Kurt was lingering, so Blaine went to talk to him for a moment while Wes tidied up the council’s table.

“Okay, I’m yours for the moment. What can I do for you?”

“When did you figure it out?”

“Figure what out?”

“That you’re into Kurt, Mr. Oblivious,” Wes smiled and gave Blaine a light shove.

“Um, I didn… how di.. oh god, was it that obvious?” Blaine groaned and flopped down on the nearest sofa, burying his face in his hands.

“To most of us, yes. That’s why everyone agreed with you so quickly when you called for a vote on Kurt singing with you. Judging by his expression, though, he doesn’t have a clue.” Wes paused, watching Blaine for a minute. “You never did answer me, though. We’ve all known you had a thing for him since you met. What took you so long to figure it out?”

Blaine smiled, a distant look in his eyes making Wes wonder what he was thinking about. “I guess I was waiting for the right moment to arise.” He laughed at himself quietly, and then quickly got serious. “Really, it was when he sang for Pavarotti. I don’t know why that struck me the way it did, but suddenly I looked back on our entire friendship and I realized…” he sighed and nervously fiddled with the knot of his tie.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never really… I liked Jeremiah, but I barely knew him. I guess I never really knew what it meant to be interested in someone, you know, more than on a surface level. I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t realize it was happening to me. I mean, he’s my best friend, Wes, and yeah, sometimes I thought about how attractive he is, and yeah, I spent a lot of time noticing how his eyes are like green and blue and golden all at once, but they change with his moods sometimes, but I guess I didn’t put those things together. Then suddenly a few days ago he… I don’t know, it’s like he just _shifted_ in my head, and I knew. I just suddenly realized that when you think someone’s incredible and gorgeous and funny and smart and kind and they amaze you all the time, that kinda might be… more than _like_ , more than friendship.”

“Well damn, Blaine. With speeches like that, you’re sure to win him over.”

Blaine flushed, pleased. But then sobered.

“Shit, Wes, what if he’s not interested in me? I mean, I know he was at one point. He told me after the Gap debacle,” Wes laughed at that and accepted Blaine’s attempt at a death glare. “But I didn’t want to mess up, and I still don’t, I can’t lose him, even if that means I can’t have him. God, does that even make sense?”

“Makes sense to me, and if by some crazy chance he’s not interested, tell him that, and I bet you’ll keep the friendship intact.”

“Thanks.” Blaine looked around and bounced on his toes a little. “Did, uh, did you need me for anything else, Wes?”

“Nah, we’re good. You just go talk to your man and get that epic romance started.”

Blaine rolled his eyes and left, though Wes noted a spring in his step and a determined expression that made him think he was going to do just that.

 

November 8, 2019

“Hello?”

“Wes! Hi, I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time?” Blaine was pacing in his room again, as he often did when he was plagued by too much nervous energy.

“Not at all. How’ve you been? Will you still be in for Thanksgiving?”

“I- I don’t know, actually. It depends on whether I get this part and what the schedule looks like.”

“Oh, for RENT? When do you find out?”

“I go in tomorrow for the final callback where I’ll have to sing with the people they’re considering for other roles. I think they want a decision by the end of the week.”

“Hey, you’ve made it this far! Sounds like you’ve got a good shot. I’m sure you breezed through the first audition.”

Blaine smiled wryly. “Yeah, the first one wasn’t bad. It was the second that killed me.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“They told me I’d be singing a duet, and their stage manager would be singing the other part of it.”

“Yeah?”

“Wes… their stage manager is Kurt.”

The silence was almost palpable, and Blaine finally started to wonder if Wes had heard him, or was even still on the phone.

“Hummel?”

“Yeah.” Okay, it was just shock. That made sense.

“I had about a minute, less, really, from the moment I realized he was singing, until I had to sing my part and do it well enough to not get laughed out of the theatre district.”

“And you clearly did a great job with it, Mr. Final Callback. I take it Kurt already knew, then? Or did he find out right before he started singing?”

“He found out when _I_ started singing.” Thinking back on that, Blaine realized Kurt must have been very unaffected by Blaine being there, or he was an even more amazing performer than Blaine already knew he was. “I can’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Kurt’s never been one to let his feelings stop him from performing well. Remember your Gap Attack? He was nuts about you and helping you serenade another guy.”

“Yeah.” Blaine couldn’t help but laugh at his younger self. He’d been attracted to Kurt from that moment on the staircase, but had so quickly shifted into being a concerned friend that he didn’t even realize his attraction until later after they’d gotten together. “So, I need your honest opinion, Wes.”

“You got it – am I supposed to include bias here, or should I be as objective as possible?”

Blaine grinned to himself and shook his head at Wes’ lawyer-ness. “Concern for a friend’s well-being may provide slight bias, but not excessively.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Am I a complete idiot to want him back?”

“Well, you don’t pull punches, do you? Have you even talked to him outside of the audition?”

“We had coffee this morning. He was there maybe 15 or 20 minutes. He said he’d text or call me.”

“Did he tell you what happened?”

“No.” Blaine looked down, not wanting to mention Kurt’s obvious nerves and reservations, the quick way he left, or his ultimatum on talking about their breakup.

“And based on that, you know that he’s still someone you’d be interested in?”

“He’s still Kurt.” He couldn’t understand why people didn’t see this.

“You’ve really got it bad.” Wes laughed. “I won’t say you’re a complete idiot. You want what you want. You feel how you feel. It is what it is.”

“Okay, any chance of a response that’s not so circular and redundant?”

“My point is that it’s not about what you feel, it’s about what you do about those feelings. Considering the history here I’d suggest starting by talking, see if you still get along with him, find out why he broke it off so you know if it’s something that would be a problem again in the future, and then decide if it would be smart to act on your feelings.”

Blaine sighed. “Yeah, that’s probably true.” Some part of him had seriously wanted to just grab Kurt, wrap him up in a hug, drag him away somewhere quiet, and beg to spend the rest of their lives together. But he knew Wes was right. And, since Kurt had been very hesitant at coffee, a much more subtle approach might work best. “Thanks.”

“Anytime! Let me know how it goes, okay? And hey, you get the part, be sure to give me show dates. I’m overdue for a visit up there.”

“Of course. I’ll be in touch.”

 

November 9, 2019

It was a perfectly normal November Saturday in New York, which is to say, it was chilly, windy, and the sky couldn’t seem to decide what, if any, type of precipitation it wanted to release. Kurt had worn another of his bulky sweaters and was beginning to regret it. A reminder popped up from his calendar: “9:00 am – Reminder: Callback finals begin @ 10:00 am” He clicked the reminder closed as tugged at the collar a bit, wondering why it felt so tight around his throat. _Almost time. Wow, seems like I just got here._ Taking a deep breath, he gathered his sketch pad and pencil case, as well as a small note pad and pen, and laid them on the corner of the cutting table so he could grab them on his way out the door. _Okay, I have my sketch needs and note needs, I just watch the rehearsals, see who looks good together, give Sara my ideas. It doesn’t matter that Blaine will be here. Today he’s just… oh shit._ Kurt felt a wave of dizziness and his lips started tingling, like all the blood had rushed from his head.

_Can’t think, can’t do this… Fuck._ Kurt forced himself to stop and breathe. Blaine would audition, Kurt would be in the audience. _It’ll be fine. I don’t even have to talk to him. What if he tries to talk to me? I’ve got to face him at some point._ He pondered the possible options before him: talk to Blaine and find a delicate working relationship they could deal with; talk to Blaine and hope they could be friends again; have wild “I missed you” sex that would ruin any chances they had of real communication; talk to Blaine and hope they could still have a future together – _I didn’t even realize I was still… but I should have, he’s been a part of me forever, how could I not still want to be with him_ – the madness of these options made him dizzy all over again. He started to realize that no matter what angle he tried to take, this was going to have potential to be very bad. He couldn’t pinpoint just how bad, or what could come of this, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that a disaster was coming and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He tried to remind himself that there could be something positive in many of those possibilities, but it seemed his brain had decided not to listen to reason. _Too fucking hot in here, I can’t breathe._ He tore his sweater off, flinging it over the back of the desk chair in frustration, as if it were the sweater’s fault somehow.

Kurt started to pace the floor, but quickly decided his legs were too unstable, so he sat in his desk chair, tugging at the collar of his undershirt before pulling his arms tightly around his chest. If he could have somehow made himself smaller, he would have. He felt too raw suddenly, exposed, like someone had peeled off some of his skin and left him vulnerable. He didn’t even realize he was gently rocking back and forth as he thought back to so many memories from his relationship with Blaine.

Like a poorly edited movie trailer, images flashed through his mind almost faster than he could keep up with them. His first impression of Dalton, watching all the boys run through the halls, the brilliance of Blaine’s smile when he introduced himself and grabbed Kurt’s hand, the flirty nature of Blaine’s “Teenage Dream” performance

– _I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this_ –

countless coffee dates at The Lima Bean, the plummeting feeling in his stomach as Blaine and Rachel kissed rather intimately right in front of him, the soaring feeling throughout his whole body when Blaine kissed _him_ for the first time, their playful arguments over which styles or movies or foods were better, their real arguments over Sebastian and Chandler

– _oh god, what have I done? What am I going to do now?_ –

their first time exploring each other’s bodies quickly replaced by their _last_ time which was even more painful

– _can’t breathe. Why’s it so warm in here_ –

the times they sang together for competition, the times they sang together for Glee club, the times they sang together for themselves and each other, the dream date right before he moved to New York – Kurt’s vision blurred slightly and he was having a hard time catching his breath – the glances he got from Blaine when he wasn’t expecting it, the sound of Blaine’s voice on the phone that last time, the party he was at the night before that phone call, the guy, Brad

– _no, not him, not now, I can’t deal with him right now too_ –

Kurt heard a choked sob and realized it came from his own throat.

He felt almost like someone else was in his head, some past or alternate version of him that was telling him things.

– _You were never good enough for him, that’s why this happened. You might as well stop thinking about him, it’ll only go badly. –_

After a while, as he tried desperately to catch his breath and tell himself to stop bawling like a ridiculous baby, the words in his head got more and more disjointed and eventually dissolved into nothing more than impressions and feelings. The dread, the worry, the feeling that there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix any of it, the complete lack of control he felt over the whole situation, over his whole life really.

Suddenly it wasn’t just his relationship with Blaine that he’d screwed up. It was everything; he’d lost so many friends, given up one of his biggest dreams, distanced himself from his father, slacked in his personal fashion pursuits – he’d ruined his life, and hurt so many people around him. He knew he’d hurt the people who mattered most, and he couldn’t do anything to make it better.

In the midst of these thoughts, there was a tiny little calm part of his mind where he felt like an outside observer, shocked and confused by this breakdown. He’d been handling things just fine for years now, so why the sudden drama?

As his chest tightened more and he started to feel the effects of too little oxygen, he began to wonder if he was having a heart attack. _Oh god, is this how Dad felt?_ He tried to raise a hand to his chest, but found his hands were both tightly clenched in fists and he couldn’t seem to relax them. In fact, he couldn’t seem to relax anything.

And then suddenly, there were arms wrapped around him and he felt a tiny bit less frantic. He closed his eyes and gave in to the comfort, realizing at some point that it was Lindsey holding him, rocking him gently (or was she just rocking with him?) whispering calming things to him. He put all his energy into focusing on her arms, on her calm voice – “Shhhh, it’s okay. Don’t think about it, don’t worry about me seeing you here, it’s okay to be upset, I’m here, you’re safe. Don’t worry about it; just focus on my arms and my voice, okay _?”_ – and he felt himself starting to relax. His fists uncurled and he found he could breathe again, though his chest ached. The more he relaxed, the more he realized his entire body ached like he’d put himself through some kind of seriously athletic workout, and he felt utterly exhausted. He sniffed deeply before he finally raised his head and looked at Lindsey, a questioning look on his face. He hoped she’d offer an explanation because he wasn’t sure he could actually ask for it right now.

“I was coming to talk to you, and saw you in here… it’s okay.” She was now holding one hand in hers, and he saw she had pulled another chair over to sit next to him. Her other hand was rubbing soothing strokes up and down his arm as she talked.

Kurt rubbed his chest gently and tried to focus on slow, deep breaths. “What…” his eyes bounced from the door to the clock (which he couldn’t focus on) to his lap and back to Lindsey. He swallowed, his throat feeling a bit raw. His sinuses were congested and his pulse was still throbbing in his head. He reached for a handkerchief to wipe his face and blow his nose, then cleared his throat and looked back to Lindsey. “What just happened?”

“Oh sweetie, you’ve never gone through that before, have you?” She pulled him forward and hugged him. “I don’t know for sure, but it looked to me like you had a panic attack. The first time is always the worst. If you ever have another one, at least you’ll know what’s happening, and that helps.”

“P-Panic attack?” Kurt shook his head, wide-eyed. “But, I don’t have panic attacks.” He was feeling so drained it was hard to think, and in reflection, he was starting to feel like a lunatic. He felt almost as if he’d watched from somewhere else while he broke down in fear that seemed far too extreme for reality.  “I mean, some of it was familiar – at first, but then it wouldn’t stop.”

“Can you tell me what you were doing or thinking about?” Lindsey’s calm demeanor helped, and he took a deep breath, nodding. “Callbacks.”

“Okay, but it’s not just callbacks, right? We’ve had dozens of callbacks since you started working here. What’s different this time? Is it Blaine?”

Kurt just nodded and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He felt the worry starting up again and closed his eyes, trying to focus on something calming. Thankfully, Lindsey provided that for him.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here with you, and you can make it through this. Just breathe. It’s okay, just breathe.”

Any other time, the reminder to breathe would be irritating, but at that moment it was so helpful to Kurt. He listened to her calm voice and took a deep breath in and out, in and out.

“Okay, now, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but if you want to, I can listen, and try to help, and keep secrets if required. I do think you need to talk to _someone_ though, so if you don’t want to talk to me, maybe you could call a friend, or your brother?” Kurt shook his head at these suggestions. “Or… maybe a therapist would be helpful.” She made the suggestion cautiously, as if testing Kurt’s receptiveness to the idea.

“I really don’t think I need to go that far, but if your offer is still good, I think I would like to talk about it. I can’t talk to anyone else right now. It’s been too long – too long since this started, since I started avoiding these very questions, since I was close to anyone, really.” His tears this time were different. They snuck into the conversation reminding him of how much he still hurt, instead of ambushing all his senses with blinding fear and dread of what everyone else thought and guilt over what he presumed everyone else felt.

“Of course, sweetie. Do you want to talk here, or go somewhere else? The green room has a comfy couch and we can lock the door to make sure we’re not interrupted…” She trailed off as she realized he was staring rather intently at the clock. She glanced over and hung her head slightly when she saw the time.

“Thanks. I guess since we’ve got to be in the auditorium in less than 20 minutes, I should just talk here. Okay, wow, this is gonna be fun. In the interest of time and keeping up appearances with everyone else in this building, I’m about to tell you things I’ve never told anyone.” Lindsey’s eyebrows shot up, but she quickly nodded sincerely. Kurt accepted that as her understanding the importance of this conversation. He took a deep breath and started a brief summary.

“Blaine and I dated in high school. We were each other’s first and only boyfriend at the time. I’m sure he’s got someone now. We were crazy in love for about a year and a half, and we were managing a long distance relationship after I moved here for an internship. He was a year behind me in school. So that fall I went to a party for work, and apparently seriously misjudged my alcohol intake.” He’d been talking almost on auto-pilot so far, just reciting facts. This was just another fact. He’d never said this out loud. Never told a soul what had happened that night. His breath shook as he stammered out, “I ch-cheated on Blaine.” It was barely above a whisper, but he felt like the building would collapse from the sound of it. He found himself absurdly thinking of the hall on Charn where the bell woke the evil witch Jadis. He shook his head briefly, trying to focus on reality again, much as he didn’t want to face it.

“I broke up with him the next day.” He was still whispering, staring blindly at his shoe where it rested across his knee.

“So, he didn’t take well when you told him about it?” She seemed confused.

“No. I- I never told him. I couldn’t. I just told him I couldn’t see him anymore. And then I ignored his texts, I started avoiding my roommate and my best friend, I started avoiding contact with my dad after he found out.”

“You didn’t tell your dad? I guess you guys weren’t very close?”

“No, we were really close, but I didn’t tell him because he would have asked why and I couldn’t tell anyone what I’d done. I didn’t want them all to hate me.” He smirked. “I guess they just hate me for different reasons now.”

“You don’t know that.”

“True, but I know my dad’s been disappointed in me ever since. He acts like he doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore, like he’s always afraid to speak. He hadn’t been like that since I was fifteen or so. He called me, after Blaine told him…”

“Blaine told him?” She couldn’t hide her surprise at that.

Kurt just nodded. “I guess Dad was inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner, and Blaine was confused since we’d been broken up for almost three weeks. Anyway, I never told any of them, and I never saw him again until we sang together two days ago. He met me here yesterday morning and asked me to get coffee so we could talk. I went, but we didn’t really talk much. I don’t know how to…” he sighed, looking down at his hands. “I don’t know how to talk to him, and I can’t figure out why he wants anything to do with me.”

“If it were the other way around, and he’d broken up with you, do you think you’d still want to talk to him?”

“Of course! I’d love to talk to him again. I’ve missed him. Linds, he was my best friend, the love of my life, the fantasy I didn’t think really existed, pretty much literally the man of my dreams. I’d love to have him in my life again, if I thought it could happen without it turning out badly. I couldn’t just see him and talk to him and be _friends_ with him and still have this secret from him, but if he ever knew, he’d never want to see me anyway.”

Lindsey looked sympathetic as she squeezed his hand, then she tipped her head to the side thoughtfully. “Kurt, baby, I don’t mean to be presumptuous here, but you moved 600 miles away from him, broke up with him suddenly and over the phone, and refused to give him a reason? I’d bet good money that he’s at least _considered_ the possibility that you cheated; he probably assumed you were dating the new guy.”

Kurt looked up at her in surprise, wondering if that were true, and what it might mean, and then wondering all over again why Blaine would want to talk to him if he thought that. Just then both his and Lindsey’s phones chimed. She checked hers and sent a quick reply. “That’s Sara. She’s ready for us. You gonna be okay for this?”

“I will be in five minutes. Give her my apologies for being late, okay?” Lindsey nodded and left. Kurt huffed a deep breath and began to collect himself to face the day.


	11. That Doesn't Mean Nobody Cares

 

The Lucky Ones: Chapter Eleven – That Doesn’t Mean Nobody Cares

 _You sit and watch but you won't go_  
You say you do, but you don't know  
You say but you don't go  
  
Somewhere somebody wasn't there  
That doesn't mean nobody cares  
Somebody wasn't there  
  


_~The Lucky Ones – Viva Voce_

 

May 17, 2015

 

Blaine had his eyes half-closed and was completely absorbed in the music coming from his iPod as he waited for the right train to arrive. He glanced at his phone, slipped it back in his pocket, and leaned back against the wall, one foot braced on the tile, his guitar case resting on that thigh with his arm slung over it, as if he were trying to coax music from the strings through the case. Anyone watching closely could see that he was actually moving his fingers to simulate guitar chords. If someone were watching him, they might also notice that he was bobbing his head rhythmically and looked to be singing along with a song. If that someone were Kurt, frozen mostly behind a pillar because he’d realized Blaine was on the platform, he might even be able to tell that Blaine was singing along to “Teenage Dream” but only because he had the image of Blaine’s face moving to those words permanently emblazoned on his corneas.

As he watched, Kurt realized that Blaine looked sad, and it twisted in his gut. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was the reason. That song had been special to them, and the way he looked as he stood there listening to it, quietly singing along with it… Kurt felt a little sick to his stomach and had to loosen his tie just a little. He needed to get out of there. The train pulled up just then, and Kurt moved against the crowd, toward the staircase that would take him back to the street above, where he could get some air and not feel like the walls were closing in on him.

Blaine felt the _whoosh_ of the train as it pulled up to the platform. He pushed off with his foot and moved with everyone else to get on the subway car closest to him. Of course, he lingered behind, still caught up in his thoughts of Kurt. He sometimes wondered why he didn’t delete all those old playlists, the songs still made him sad, or sometimes mad, or very very lonely, but he just couldn’t. He and Kurt had shared so very much through song – singing to each other, listening to each other sing, singing duets, playlists they made for each other, songs they danced to, songs they laughed about, songs they made love to, songs they argued with, songs they made up with – deleting those playlists, and especially the songs themselves, it would feel like trying to cut Kurt out of his very soul. He couldn’t do it (no matter how melodramatic that might sound).

Blaine sighed as he finally stepped into the train, seeing that there was no seating left. He turned back toward the platform as he grabbed one of the poles for stability. He was starting to get frustrated by his friends. He knew it had been a while (two years, six months, fourteen days) since the breakup, and he understood that most people didn’t grieve this long over a ‘high school romance’ that didn’t last, but they just didn’t understand that he and Kurt weren’t just a ‘high school… Blaine turned his head slightly and leaned forward, trying to focus – he could have sworn he’d just seen Kurt heading up the steps to the street. Blaine frantically got a firmer grip on his guitar case and ran off the subway. He had to sidestep around a few slow people, but he was determined.

“Kurt! Kurt?” He thought he saw Kurt pause, but he wasn’t sure. The guy didn’t stop or turn around, though, so Blaine thought maybe he hadn’t heard. He reached the bottom of the steps as the Kurt-look-alike was nearing the top. The way he moved looked right “Kurt!” but his clothes had changed, “Kurt, please!”

Blaine got stuck behind a pregnant woman with a diaper bag, a toddler, and a pre-schooler, and by the time he managed to gently get around them and pick up some speed again, Kurt was long gone. He stood there for several minutes, looking in every direction, but there were so many places Kurt could have gone, and Blaine had no idea which one to try. He sighed, his shoulders dropping dejectedly as he slumped down on a nearby bench. He’d missed him. He still couldn’t be sure it was Kurt, couldn’t even try to contact him since Kurt had changed his number shortly after the breakup and forbade anyone including his father from giving Blaine the new one. He knew all the signs pointed to Kurt not wanting him in his life anymore, but something in Blaine just wouldn’t let go. Apparently when Blaine Anderson fell in love, it really was forever, no matter what.

 

November 10, 2019

Blaine was still a little shocked from the phone call that morning telling him he’d been offered the part of Roger. He had seen Kurt in the audience during the callbacks. When Sara had wanted to chat a little, find out more about him after he sang, he had glanced at Kurt as he mentioned his weekly gig at Dive, but then quickly looked back at Sara to explain that it wouldn’t conflict with rehearsals or performances. But now was not the time to think about Kurt. He had a show to do. Blaine took a moment to steady his thoughts before he stepped up on the stage and greeted his crowd. He’d noticed that he had developed a few semi-regulars over the years, had even gotten to know some of them by name, so he felt it only right to let them know the same thing he had told the club manager – that he would have to change his performance schedule at Dive once RENT got closer to opening. Thankfully, Ron was used to this and had no problems with it.

“Thank you all for coming. I’m Blaine, and I can’t tell you how nice it is to see people here to listen to my little musical attempts.” He grinned at the audience, enjoying his moment, trying to keep thoughts of Kurt at bay so he could just get lost in the performance. “I’ve got a few songs planned, and I might even take requests in a bit. We’ll just have fun and see what happens, okay?”

He lost himself in the music for a while, singing some of his old favorites, a couple original songs, and was in the middle of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” when he saw Kurt near the door. He stumbled a bit over the next line, but no one seemed to care, thankfully.   

He finished the song mindlessly as he watched Kurt come in and sit down alone. He smiled at the waitress and fiddled with his napkin a little, but Blaine could see what he was trying not to show. He thought back to the day he, Wes, and David had coffee with Kurt, when he saw that his cute new friend was on the verge of believing that he didn’t matter, that he was somehow less than, or at the very least, he was doomed to always be treated as less than. The boy he met had still had a little hope. The man in front of him seemed convinced that he was worthless. Blaine finished his song and decided to send Kurt a gentle message.

He took a sip of his water and pulled a stool over to the mic stand as he said “This is one of my favorite songs, because I feel like if anyone plays this song for me, they’re letting me know I’m worth something. Tonight, I want to play this song for you.” He had been looking around the crowd during that speech, but settled his gaze on Kurt at the end.

Kurt couldn’t quite tell if Blaine meant it that directly, but it seemed a little odd that he looked right at him. _He was looking around the room anyway, probably making eye contact with several people while he spoke. It’s not a big deal._ Kurt tried to believe the logical explanation. After all, Blaine did the same thing when he sang. It was normal stage presence; nothing to get worked up over.

Play <http://youtu.be/szBM3XMS8sM>

He watched as Blaine plucked a bit of the tune, tightened a string here and there and tested out the tones. He tried not to think too much about Blaine’s hands, and then reminded himself that he had no right to think about him that way at all. He slumped further in his seat and sipped at his drink while Blaine began singing.

_It’s a little bit funny / this feeling inside_

Kurt recognized the classic Elton John immediately and smiled in spite of himself. It was a nice song, and he hadn’t heard it in ages.

_if I was a musician, but then again no_

He shook his head at that. Blaine always loved to change up a few words here and there, to make it fit him better. It was one of those silly quirks he had that Kurt secretly kinda loved. But he’d lost the privilege of being in Blaine’s life like that, so what was he doing here?

_my gift is my song and this one’s for you / and you can tell everybody / that this is your song_

And listening to Blaine, he could almost believe that it _was_ for him. He could close his eyes and just pretend for a moment that he hadn’t screwed up. He knew by now that he’d screwed up just as much with that Saturday phone call as he had at the Friday night party. Blaine deserved better than that.

_I hope you don’t mind I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life is now you’re in the world_

Kurt shook his head sadly, partly wishing that he could believe this praise and partly feeling silly, knowing he didn’t deserve it.

_I sat on my roof, I kicked off the moss / well a few of these verses well they’ve got me just kinda cross_

Blaine smiled between lines, his eyes scanning the audience before closing for a moment while he sang a few lines, and the waitress stopped by a table between Kurt and the stage, temporarily blocking his view. Kurt took advantage of the lack of distraction – _Blaine could be very distracting, he always had been_ – to try and gather his thoughts again, to stay calm. He noticed his collar feeling tight again, and absently reached up to undo the top couple buttons, thankful he hadn’t worn a tie tonight.

_you see I’ve forgotten if they’re green, are they green or are they blue / anyway the thing is, what I really mean / is yours are the sweetest eyes, that I’ve ever seen_

Kurt was biting the inside of his cheek and blinking quickly, trying to hold back the sudden tears. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t understand how Blaine could be so… so accepting. So unquestioning. It was an exciting thing, in a way, because it gave him the feeling that there might be some hope of happiness, but then he felt immediately guilty for daring to wish for joy with the man he’d treated so poorly.

_and you can tell everybody / that this is your song / it may be quite simple but now that it’s done / I hope you don’t mind I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life is now you’re in the world /_

Kurt watched Blaine’s hands again during the brief guitar solo, and as Blaine wrapped up the musical break, he directed his gaze at Kurt and refused to look away. Kurt tried to look away a few times, but he couldn’t do more than glance away, Blaine’s gaze pulling him back in. Blaine had a very pointed and determined look on his face as he sang the final lines to Kurt.

_and you can tell everybody / that this is your song / it may be quite simple but now that it’s done / I hope you don’t mind I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words / how wonderful life, how wonderful my life is, how wonderful this life is now that you’re in the… the world_

As the audience offered their applause, Kurt tried to remember to breathe. He wasn’t sure what that had been about, but it made him nervous. He felt a little like there wasn’t enough air in the room and he was almost grateful enough to thank God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster when Blaine started singing again. The guitar relaxed him, letting him realize just how scared he’d been in that moment, scared that Blaine would come sit down with him, that he’d have to talk to him. _I still have to talk to him_ he reminded himself, _but a couple minutes to breathe will help._

He sipped at his cosmo again, closing his eyes and just breathing, and then suddenly another song was over and people were clapping. Kurt opened his eyes and joined the applause, something clenching deep in his chest when he saw Blaine put the guitar down and lock eyes with him again as he jumped off the stage. He was unexpectedly thrown back to that day at Dalton, the day he put down his glue and listened to Blaine, the way he’d felt his breath catch in his throat when Blaine first looked at him with love in his eyes. Kurt watched Blaine come toward him, absurdly wishing this day would, could end the same way that one had. As Blaine sat down, Kurt saw a shift in his eyes, like he’d pulled the shutters on his soul and was holding himself back protectively. It made his heart ache to know he’d been the cause of that in Blaine. He had to find a way to make this better.

“I didn’t expect you, but I’m really glad you’re here.”

At least the smile was genuine, a little closed-off, sure, but still genuine. Kurt could take comfort in that. “You seem to have quite a fan base.”

“Yeah, well, they’re not screaming and fainting at my feet or anything, but they like the music.” He smiled, and Kurt saw that boy he’d fallen in love with, the boy that was just a little unsure, that honestly bloomed when his talents were recognized by others, and Kurt’s head started swimming just a little.

“Why wouldn’t they?” He had to find a way to break the casual chit chat. He needed to actually _talk_ to Blaine, soon, before he lost his nerve. Kurt took another sip of his cosmo and contemplated ordering another. He didn’t want to get sloppy, but he couldn’t deny the benefits of liquid courage in a situation like this. Of course, with his history of making stupid mistakes while drinking, he had to be really careful how fast he went through them. He finally looked up from his drink and saw that Blaine seemed quite lost in thought as well. “Do you have another set tonight?”

“Not officially. Sometimes I get up and sing some more just because I enjoy it, but I don’t have to.”

“Do you.. I mean, I … okay,” Kurt took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to collect his thoughts. “I don’t want to presume, but if you’re not busy, I’d like to talk, if that’s okay. If- if you still want to.”

“Of course! I mean, yes, why wouldn’t I?” Blaine seemed honestly confused by that idea, which just confused Kurt even more.

“Honestly, I’d be asking why would you?” They stared across the table for a moment, each silently wondering if the room was spinning just a little. Kurt sighed and finally looked away. He opened his mouth to speak again, but then paused when the waitress showed up.

“Can I get you another?”

“Um,” Kurt glanced at his almost empty glass and then back to Blaine, unspoken questions in his eyes and rising anxiety in his chest. “You?”

“I, uh,” Blaine looked up at the waitress and gave her that brilliant smile of his. “Give us a minute, would you, Suze? I’m not sure what we’re doing yet.”

“Sure sweetie. Great set tonight. You sounded so much better on ‘To the Earth’ than Jackson Sole ever could. I don’t know why you’re still singing here.” She rested a hand on his shoulder as she spoke, and Kurt tried to act like he wasn’t watching. Seeing Blaine perform, seeing how people reacted to him performing, it was one of the things Kurt had always loved about him. He’d fallen in love with Blaine the moment he first started performing “Teenage Dream” and they’d fallen in love a little bit more with every song they did together… until last week. Because he wasn’t allowed to be in love with Blaine anymore. Kurt was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear Blaine’s reaction to her, but as she tapped the table and promised to return in a few minutes, he found he was grateful for their chat. It gave him a few moments to process the confluence of feelings, the jealousy, the pride, the sadness and self-recrimination, the loss, the love. He took a few breaths and reached up to undo a button, only be reminded he’d already done that.

Blaine watched as Kurt absently rubbed at his neck as if trying to remove an invisible scarf. He was starting to look a little jumpy and Blaine could sometimes see his eyes flitting around briefly, though Kurt didn’t seem to be consciously looking around. “Hey,” he reached toward Kurt slightly, and settled for putting one hand on the table between them and leaning forward a bit. “You wanna get out of here? We can go somewhere quieter.”

Kurt just nodded and immediately stood, pulling his coat back on. Blaine could almost feel his relief at the suggestion, but it wasn’t visible in his posture yet. “I just have to grab my guitar and my coat. Do you want to wait here or meet me on the street?” He hoped the options would show Kurt that he wanted to make him comfortable.

“Um, street. Fresh air is… good.” Kurt swung his scarf around his neck, but hesitated and finally stopped before wrapping it around. “Yeah.” Kurt glanced at him briefly, and pulled his coat close around him, not buttoning it, but holding it closed with his arms wrapped across his chest.

Blaine watched him go for just a moment, and then ran to tell people goodbye and get his things. His mind raced, thinking of all the options for somewhere safe, warm, comfortable, quiet, and at least moderately private. He didn’t think suggesting either of their apartments would be a good option, but he was having trouble thinking of other alternatives.

He headed outside, half-worried that Kurt would have just left, so he was relieved when he saw Kurt standing there, one gloved hand gingerly resting on a ledge on the wall while he had his eyes closed and took a deep breath. _God, he’s so beautiful._ Blaine couldn’t focus on that, though. This was not the time to think about how much he wanted to wrap Kurt up in his arms and cover him with kisses. “So, there’s a pizza place about a block from here that’s open a couple more hours, or there’s a 24 hour diner about five or six blocks that way,” Blaine said as he pointed behind Kurt. “I’m open to other ideas, though. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” Blaine honestly didn’t know which one he would prefer. Two Boots was closer, so they could start talking sooner. Big Daddy’s would mean they didn’t have a time limit, but they probably wouldn’t start any serious conversations on the way, so he’d have to wait ten minutes or so.

“Does the diner have cheesecake?” Kurt’s almost shy smile made Blaine feel better. It gave him hope.

“The best,” he smiled back as he started walking that way. Kurt nodded and turned to fall into step with him. “Sara called today.”

“Yeah?”

Blaine appreciated the glance and the interest, but he couldn’t help noticing Kurt still seemed very tense. He was hold onto his elbows as they walked, pulling in on himself like he was trying to reduce the amount of space he took up.

“Yeah. I’m sure you already knew that, though, didn’t you?”

“I did. I…” Kurt looked straight ahead, then down at the ground, and Blaine thought he could hear a sharp intake of breath. “I encouraged it.”

Okay, wow. Blaine hadn’t expected that. He couldn’t have even hoped for that. That Kurt would encourage him getting cast meant that Kurt was definitely interested in at least getting along. Blaine felt his heart race and his eyes water just a little as he pondered and immediately dismissed all the possible outcomes he could think of. Taking it one step at a time would be much safer, no matter how much the silly romantic who loved big gestures wanted to see this as a sign that they would still have a happily ever after together.

“That… thank you.” Blaine had to consciously tell his feet to keep going. He was still dumbstruck and trying not to get too worked up about it. He fell back a step or so, though, which allowed him to clearly see Kurt casually dismiss his gratitude. “No I mean it!” He did stop then, and Kurt turned to look at him surprised. “I really appreciate that. Not for the job, but for what it must have meant for you.. for… god I’m saying this all wrong. It sounds so presumptuous, but I just… what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kurt looked so shocked and confused and almost happy but very sad all at once and it was confusing to Blaine’s suddenly adrenalin-filled brain. Instead of answering Blaine, Kurt just looked at him, just stared directly into his eyes. It was so overwhelming to be this close to him again, to gaze at the blue/green eyes he’d been seeing in his dreams for years. Blaine tightened his fingers, feeling the need to hold on to something lest he start floating away, and only then did he realize what Kurt was probably so surprised by. He was holding Kurt, left hand on Kurt’s arm, just above the elbow, right hand resting firmly on Kurt’s left shoulder. At some point, Kurt’s arms had relaxed and instead of hugging himself, he had one hand resting very gently, tentatively, on the button placket of Blaine’s coat. Blaine swallowed and saw Kurt’s eyes move down, following the movement in his throat. Kurt’s lips parted ever so slightly as he inhaled sharply, and Blaine felt the sound shoot through him as he got lost in his thoughts of capturing those lips with his own.

Kurt saw Blaine’s eyes widen slightly and thought his knees were going to give out when Blaine’s tongue flicked out to moisten his lips. He felt the warm hands on each side of him tighten slightly, and he didn’t even know he was moving until he’d already flexed his hand and grabbed the edge of Blaine’s coat. He looked back at Blaine’s eyes, watching the lights reflect in the amber, seeing raw emotion there. So overwhelmed by the rush of emotions and confusion, Kurt didn’t even notice that he wasn’t nervous. He did notice that he was moving forward, the two of them were, actually, moving slowly, slowly, glancing from each other’s eyes to lips, each of them pulling just the tiniest bit to help close the gap between them. Kurt felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest by the time he could feel Blaine’s warm breath ghost against his lips.

The sudden sound of a near-accident at the intersection startled them both just before their lips actually met, and they jumped back a step or two. They both glanced at the traffic and then looked back at each other with nervous grins. Blaine noticed that they were both breathing a little heavy. He felt like he’d just come out of a haze and couldn’t explain what he’d been thinking at the time. “Sorry, I…”

“I didn’t…” Kurt said at the same time. They both stopped and laughed a little together.

“Let’s just go get that cheesecake.” Blaine nodded in the right direction and Kurt offered him a grateful smile and started walking alongside him again.


	12. Sometimes It's Hard to Make it Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.  
> This fic is nearly 60K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 12 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 22).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 
> 
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for language

 

The Lucky Ones: Chapter Twelve – Sometimes It’s Hard to Make it Through

 _Life can be so demanding_  
Sometimes it's hard to make it through  
It's love and understanding  
You give to me, I give to you   
  


_~The Lucky Ones – Peter Cetera_

 

November 10, 2019

Kurt stared into his coffee cup and mindlessly trailed his fork over the top of the cheesecake. He didn’t know what to say. He’d had a plan, but somehow imagining what he’d say to Blaine is absolutely no help when faced with the reality of Blaine. He shifted his gaze to the cheesecake, but raised his head enough that he could see Blaine in his peripheral vision. Kurt let his eyes relax a bit more and could tell Blaine was looking at him, waiting. He closed his eyes and willed himself to force some words out –any words would do at this point. They’d barely spoken after that super-charged moment on the sidewalk. They’d communicated through nods, shrugs, and raised eyebrows as they came into the diner, took a seat and looked over the menus briefly. They’d both spoken softly when they ordered, as if trying not to disturb some ineffable and precarious balance they’d developed with their silence. Still, sitting here in silence wouldn’t get anything worked out.

“I know we need to talk,” his voice was still very quiet, but Blaine was listening intently, “and I want to… I do. It’s just… it’s hard. I…” Kurt looked up, his eyes hopeful as they met Blaine’s. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I don’t either, because I don’t know exactly what’s wrong here.” He thought back on Wes’ advice. “Kurt, we haven’t seen each other in seven years! Maybe we just need to start from now instead of starting with then.”

“You mean just talk about… now? Can we even do that?” He tilted his head, pondering, then looked down, toying with the little plastic creamer cup. It seemed to be mocking him. He’d set two of them in the middle of the table for Blaine’s coffee, and here it was unused while Blaine sipped on his coffee with only one cream. “I don’t know anything about you now, and you don’t know anything about me. And how can you just ignore the past?”

“Hey, when we first met we didn’t know much about each other. We can get reacquainted, if you want. That’s why I said we start with now. The most important things; like if we both want to be friends again, or something… or if we’re holding any grudges.” Blaine looked away for a minute, and Kurt waited, willing himself not to think about times in the past when he’d watched Blaine work up the nerve to say something. “I had… a lot of… feelings, Kurt. A lot of different feelings, over time. And seeing you again, it doesn’t stir the feelings I thought it would, which probably would have been easier, I guess.”

Kurt just kept waiting, watching, listening. He wasn’t sure where Blaine was going with this, but in that moment, he was surprisingly calm, all things considered. The waitress came by with a coffee pot, but just smiled when she saw that their cups were still mostly full.

“Okay, I’ll go first,” Blaine finally said. Kurt opened his mouth to respond, feeling bad that he hadn’t spoken up earlier. “No, it’s okay. I…” he took a sip of his coffee and cleared his throat before continuing. “I’ve missed you, just having you around. You have no idea how many times a day I see something and think of you, or how you’d react to it, if you’d like it, if you’d make a snarky comment about it. Or I hear a song and wonder if you ever sing it. I guess you don’t do much singing, since you’re working in costuming now, which, hey, I think is a great choice if it makes you happy. I always picture you singing, though. I always remember how much you love it, how we’d sing together… how we’d express our feelings through songs, even when it wasn’t for one of Mr. Shue’s stupid theme assignments.”

Kurt chuckled a little at that as he collected a small bit of cheesecake on his fork. “I almost wish we had one of those stupid theme assignments right now. It might be easier than trying to figure out what to actually _say_ right now.” Blaine watched as Kurt stared at his fork, and wished it didn’t seem like Kurt was continuously avoiding his gaze. He could see some changes in Kurt, in how he held himself, in how he interacted with other people. He was still very _Kurt_ , but subdued, as if he were trying to be less than himself. He glanced up at Blaine for just a second, then looked back down as he ate the cheesecake in what Blaine was sure he intended to be an innocent motion. To Blaine, however, it was slow and teasing, and Blaine tried to remind himself that he and Kurt were still getting to know each other again. They had to get to a point where they could talk again before he could really consider anything physical.

“Hey, why don’t we give ourselves one?” It seemed so logical in his head, but the moment he heard the words he wondered about it. Maybe Kurt didn’t connect with music like that anymore, or what if he thought it was dumb?

“Give ourselves an assignment?”

“Yeah.” Blaine was a little hesitant. “I’ve got my mp3 player with me…”

“Okay, me too.” Kurt pulled out his iPod and nodded, interested in where this was going.

Blaine smiled, feeling reassured because Kurt had visibly relaxed just a little. “So we pick a song to express our thoughts and feelings right now, and we each have a listen.”

“ _Have a listen_? Are you feeling okay?” Kurt smirked as he started scrolling through the song listings.

“Shut up,” Blaine grinned. He scrolled through his own library, considering and dismissing so many songs. Some were simply too much, some were songs that better explained how he had felt right after the breakup, or even a few months ago, but not now. He couldn’t figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Kurt, especially since he didn’t know where Kurt really stood on things. Thankfully, his problem was solved (at least temporarily) when Kurt spoke up and handed him one earbud.

“Here.” Blaine looked up, and Kurt motioned for him to take the earbud. “I thought we could listen together…” He looked so hesitant, but still so determined. Blaine smiled and reached out, trying not to notice how their fingers brushed together, or the way his fingertips continued to tingle even after he’d situated the earbud and laid his hand back to rest on the table. They were both sitting up straighter now, instead of leaning back in the hard plastic diner booths.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh_bTkyJV5s&list=PL962BBFBF91B54357&index=31&feature=plpp_video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh_bTkyJV5s&list=PL962BBFBF91B54357&index=31&feature=plpp_video)

Kurt took a deep breath and pressed play. As the song started, and Blaine tried to put a name to the tune he hadn’t heard in a few years, Kurt blurted out “it’s one of those songs where it changes focus – so really, the chorus is to you, the rest is just how I feel, not about you. I hope that makes sense. I…”

_Weep for yourself my man / you’ll never be what is in your heart / weep little lion man / you’re not as brave as you were at the start_

Blaine recognized the song then, knew the chorus Kurt was talking about, but wanted to make sure he listened to the rest of it. He needed to know where Kurt was coming from.

_Rate yourself and rake yourself / take all the courage you have left / Wasted on fixing all the problems / that you made in your own head_

The waitress stopped by to fill their water glasses, but Blaine ignored her.

_But it was not your fault but mine / and it was your heart on the line / I really fucked it up this time / Didn’t I, my dear? / Didn’t I, my…_

And during the musical interlude, Blaine closed his eyes, thinking about this, thinking about how his heart had jumped at the idea of Kurt calling him “my dear,” thinking about the way this served as an apology, and how long it had been since he’d even thought about wanting one.

As the next verse started, he opened his eyes, meeting Kurt’s gaze, recognizing the look in his eyes. That’s the way Kurt looked when he was expecting rejection, ridicule, or worse. Slightly hopeful, but mostly resigned, as if he didn’t deserve worlds better than that.

_Tremble for yourself, my man / you know that you have seen this all before / tremble little lion man / you’ll never settle any of your scores / your grace is wasted in your face / your boldness stands alone among the wreck / Now learn from your mother or else / spend your days biting your own neck_

_But it was not your fault but mine / and it was your heart on the line / I really fucked it up this time / didn’t I, my dear? / Didn’t I, my dear?_

_Didn’t I, my dear?_

And the repeating chorus, especially when Kurt started singing along under his breath as they watched each other, it was almost too much for Blaine to take.

_But it was not your fault but mine / and it was your heart on the line / I really fucked it up this time / Didn’t I, my dear? / Didn’t I, my dear?_

_Didn’t I, my dear?_

Blaine removed the earbud and laid it on the table next to Kurt’s iPod. He watched as Kurt did the same, and they both sat there for a moment, sipping their drinks and fidgeting with napkins.

“I’m really sorry, Blaine.” Kurt was quiet and sincere. “I never wanted to hurt you. I swear. And I know I did, but I…” He looked down at his lap and his voice “I didn’t know what else to do at the time, and by the time I realized there might have been another option, it was too late.”

“Shouldn’t I have a say in when it’s too late?” Blaine hadn’t really thought about that before he spoke, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. He watched Kurt; watched him raise his head slowly, tilting it just slightly to the left in confusion or curiosity, watched Kurt’s eyebrow twitch slightly and the tip of his tongue rest on his bottom lip as he parted his lips just slightly, like he was about to speak. But he didn’t. He just kept looking at Blaine like there was a puzzle to figure out, and it was more than a little unnerving. Blaine couldn’t even tell if Kurt was upset by the statement or not. “I’m sorry if I…”

“No. No, Blaine, you have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you should have a say in it. You should have had a say in things back then, but I honestly don’t think it would have changed our outcome.”

“You think we were gonna break up anyway? Is that what happened? You decided it was going to happen eventually, so you just picked a day and did it?”

“No! I would never… no. Blaine, trust me, there were… reasons, and I thought that was the easiest way. For everyone. But Blaine,” he stopped, taking a sip of his water and pulling his scarf off completely. Blaine watched, curious, as Kurt flung the scarf down onto the seat next to him as if it had offended him. He brushed a hand against his neck again before he started talking. “Blaine, I screwed up. I know that. But I’m realizing that I- I might need to work out a few things. I swear I’m not trying to brush it off or anything. You deserve an explanation.” He looked down at his barely-touched coffee cup, loosely holding his hands around it and running one thumb up and down the handle. “You deserved an explanation then. Just, can you give me a little time? I don’t want to avoid you, but I just…”

“Hey,” Blaine reached out and touched Kurt’s hand, stopping the fidgeting immediately, and causing Kurt to look up again quickly, his eyes wide, surprised, and a little nervous. “It’s okay. I can wait. If you promise to talk to me about it later, I’ll wait. But can we be friends anyway?”

Kurt just blinked at him for a moment. “Why?” He hadn’t even meant to say it aloud, but there it was.

“Why what? Why do I want to be friends, or why do I-”

“Why all of it. Why are you so willing to be friends again? Why are you willing to not talk about the biggest mistake of my life? Why are you so damn calm about all this?” His eyes were burning and he had to look up and blink quickly to try and keep the tears from falling. He really didn’t want to make a scene.

“Because I missed you, Kurt.” Somehow, Blaine had taken Kurt’s hand and was holding it in the middle of the table now, running his thumb along Kurt’s knuckles and stirring up far too many emotions for Kurt’s comfort. “I knew, when we broke up, that I was losing a huge part of myself. I didn’t want to believe it, but the only thing I could think was that you’d found someone else, someone who fit you better, made you happier. I… Okay, you’ll think I’m making this up, but I swear I’m not.” Blaine chuckled just thinking about the course of events. “Last week, on the third…” Kurt pulled his hand away at the mention of their breakup date.

Blaine glanced up and saw the look on Kurt’s face, saw the confirmation that the date was still painful for him, too, and he couldn’t decide if he thought that was a good thing or a bad thing. He looked away again, feeling this was a little too much to say while Kurt was looking at him like that. “I was about to do my weekly gig at Dive, just like tonight. But I was feeling a little… maudlin, I guess. And I might have had a little more Jack than I needed. Anyway, I told Santana that it was time to let go. I decided that the Kurt I knew and loved when I was younger was amazing, and I still love him. I decided that wherever he was, and whatever he was doing, I wished him happiness. I wanted to let go and move on to whatever wonderful person might be waiting for me. I had my first audition the next day and saw you at my first callback. I don’t know if that’s some sort of divine intervention or something, but I knew as soon as I heard you sing that I wanted you back in my life, Kurt.”

“Blaine, I...”

“Wait.” He locked eyes with Kurt again, trying to make sure his sincerity was obvious. “I’m not asking for anything. I want to see you, hang out, catch up on each other’s lives. We’re going to be working together. I just… I just miss you.”

Kurt’s hands flailed around for a moment, as if he were trying to grasp some invisible solution or an object of support. “I… I feel like I have some epic image I need to measure up to, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it.”

“Just be you. And, be honest with me? I mean, don’t lie to me, and tell me what you can and want to.”

Kurt shook his head in disbelief. “I still don’t understand you. I can’t shake the feeling that you’re supposed to be mad at me, or make me prove myself somehow, or something.”

“Is it my turn?” Blaine smiled. He’d figured out exactly what song he wanted to play for Kurt.

“For what?”

“The song.”

“Oh, right!” Kurt shook his head again. “I guess I’m losing my memory along with everything else. Sure, what’ve you got?”

Blaine took a moment to scroll through his music, thankful he’d been in a bit of a girl rock mood lately and had put some Alanis back on his mp3 player. He found the right song and he and Kurt shared a set of earbuds again, both leaning closer so the wires wouldn’t stretch as much.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThNRsFJ7SPI&list=PL962BBFBF91B54357&index=72&feature=plpp_video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThNRsFJ7SPI&list=PL962BBFBF91B54357&index=72&feature=plpp_video)

_I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it_  
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it  
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it  
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it  
(and there are no strings attached to it)

Kurt had started off the song gazing at nothing in particular, just listening. He felt his throat closing up when the lyrics spoke of freak outs, and again at the ‘shame filled accounts’ in his life. He struggled to keep his breathing slow and even, to pretend he was okay.

 _You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give_  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
And you owe me nothing in return

He took a sip of his water and stared intently at the ice in the glass. He didn’t deserve this. He’d broken both their hearts. He didn’t deserve to be loved, to be forgiven.

 _You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it_  
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it  
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it  
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it  
(and there are no strings attached to it)

And Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if he could ask for them to go back to the way they were, would Blaine welcome it?

 _You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give_  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
And you owe me nothing in return

He swallowed against the lump in his throat and blinked quickly again. He tried to breathe slowly, tried to stay calm, focusing on the ice in his glass. This was too much, too impossible.

 _I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop_  
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up  
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt  
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

Blaine’s hand snuck into his view, stopping just short of touching Kurt’s. Kurt watched as Blaine reached for him ever so slightly, and then stopped himself again. His eyes watered some more.

 _You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it_  
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with  
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it  
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it  
(and there are no strings attached)

Blaine turned his hand over, palm up, and Kurt felt the dam break. His tears flowed and his hand shook as he reached out and took Blaine’s offer – the hand, and the acceptance, the friendship, the hope.

 _You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give_  
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have  
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege  
And you owe me nothing in return

Kurt didn’t actually hear the last repeat of the chorus. As soon as he took Blaine’s hand, he felt his squeezed in return, and suddenly Blaine was jumping out of his seat (yanking on both earbuds and sending them clattering to the table) and was around the table scooting into the booth with Kurt before Kurt could even figure out what was happening. He froze for a second when Blaine’s arms went around him, but the sudden tsunami of emotions crashed then, and he found himself clinging to Blaine’s shoulders and trying desperately to keep his tears somewhat discreet. He couldn’t let himself think about the fact that they were in a public place. He was back in Blaine’s arms, and for just a moment, the world felt like a perfect place.

“Thank you, Kurt. I just… thank you.” And this only caused another wave of feelings for Kurt, and along with feeling loved, amazed, and like he’d finally come back home again, he felt guilty, disgusting, and unworthy. He wanted to ask what in the world Blaine was thanking him for, but instead was slightly mortified by the sob that squeaked out of his throat. Blaine just held him tighter and rubbed his back soothingly. “It’s okay. I’m here.” And that, the fact that Blaine being here was both the reason he was crying and a fact meant to be soothing, was just absurd enough that this time it was a laugh escaping him. He pulled back a little and looked at Blaine through teary lashes.

“I’ve really missed you, too.”

 

November 11, 2019

“And that was it?” Santana looked down the hall, like she was still half expecting Kurt to sneak out of Blaine’s bedroom.

“Mostly. We chatted a little more, but a lot of it was just Kurt telling me he didn’t deserve this. San, what the hell happened to him? He seems so… broken.”

“I told you, he clammed up, started ignoring all of us, and quit acting like Kurt. It all happened after he made the break up call. It was sudden, and it never stopped.”

“Poor Kurt,” Brittany piped up. “Unicorns are so sad when they forget that they’re magical. I tried to warn him about it.”

“What?” Blaine’s eyebrows scrunched together as he looked at Britt, trying to figure out what she meant.

“Remember, Kurt’s unicorn posters from his campaign?” Santana said by way of an explanation. “Sounds like Kurt’s got a lot of self-hate happening. I know a little bit about acting stupid because of feeling that way, and I used to know Kurt. The Kurt I first moved in with knew what he wanted, and wasn’t afraid to go for it. He knew where his talents were and he was confident in them, sometimes to the point of cocky, though not as much as RachelBerry Shortcake. And now, it sounds like he doesn’t believe in himself anymore.” She looked down, a vaguely sad look on her face. Blaine knew she was feeling a little nostalgic now. “He needs to fix that.” She scooted closer to Brittany, running her hands through the silky strands of hair she loved to play with.

Brittany leaned into the touch, a sweet smile on her face. Blaine watched all this, thinking it was very cute, but it just made him miss Kurt more. He started to get up, ready to tell the girls good night and go shove his head under a pillow to try and stop thinking about Kurt. Brittany stopped him, though, placing one hand on his arm. She looked up through her lashes, still holding her head down for Santana’s affection, and said, “You can help him, Blaine. You can help him find his magic and then he’ll get his horn back. I know he will.”

Blaine just nodded and went to his room, hoping beyond hope that Brittany was right.

 


	13. Day After Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.  
> This fic is over 60K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 13 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 23).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 
> 
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG-13 for sexual situations

 

The Lucky Ones: Chapter Thirteen - Day After Day

 _Day after day, the search goes on_  
No one's explained that craving so strong  
~ The Lucky Ones by Radney Foster

 

May 22st, 2014

Kurt still didn’t know for sure if this was a date. He and Kyle had been in class together for the spring semester, and now that finals were over, Kyle had suggested they go out dancing. The music was pounding, the lights were flashing, and Kurt was getting lost in the music. He closed his eyes and just let the rhythm move him for a while, only opening his eyes again when he felt Kyle move in closer. They were dancing nearly nose to nose, and Kurt was strongly suspecting this was a date after all, and found he was more than a little nervous about that.

 _Come on, you haven’t dated anyone in a year and a half! It’s time to relax and get back out there._ He tried to relax, and briefly pondered getting a drink to help with that, but he was marked as underage and with his birthday coming up later in the week, Kurt thought it best to wait and buy a drink legally on the 27 th. He brought his thoughts back to the current situation when Kyle put one hand on Kurt’s hip and pulled them a little closer still. If he could just relax, he might actually enjoy this. Just because it wasn’t Blaine didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy dancing with a nice guy. He’d have to get past that eventually anyway, right? He’d let Blaine go. He didn’t notice that they’d been moving toward the railing at the edge of the dance floor until he backed into it when Kyle started to kiss him.

Surprised, but trying to be pleased, Kurt tried to lose himself in this kiss. He knew exactly how exciting and powerful a first kiss could be, but this one wasn’t. He couldn’t seem to focus on anything except that the lips were too thin, the teeth didn’t tug gently on his bottom lip, the tongue moved too fast, too frantic. He wasn’t enjoying this. “Kyle.” He just needed to make it clear, and everything would be fine. They could stay friends, or not. He really didn’t care. Before he could say anything else, Kyle pressed him tighter against the railing, straddling Kurt’s left leg. He held Kurt’s wrist tightly in one hand and roughly grabbed the back of Kurt’s hair with the other, pulling slightly so he could press open-mouthed kisses along the neck bared to him.

Kurt’s eyes went wide and his heart started racing. He felt the heat bloom in his stomach, the quick tightening of his pants, and for a few slow seconds he wanted to get lost in the roughness, to really feel out of control. Then the familiar thoughts of ‘freak’ ‘pervert’ and ‘deviant’ flashed through his head. He immediately put his free hand on Kyle’s chest and pushed him away.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked with a grin that suddenly reminded Kurt far too much of Sebastian Smythe.

“I-I’m sorry. I, this isn’t gonna work. I’m just not in a good place for a relationship right now. And, um,” a few moments ago, Kurt had planned on talking about this some and dancing late into the night as friends. Now he knew he needed some time to think about this. His reaction, his immediate arousal when Kyle started manhandling him – he was trying really hard not to freak out over that. _Staying here with Kyle is only gonna make that har… uuuhgggggg, more difficult._ “I need to go. I’m really sorry, but I just… need to go. If you still want to be friends, call me sometime.”

Kurt went back to his dorm, silently thanking his roommate for going away for a week. He spent the next hour or so pacing the room wishing he could just relax, but his thoughts were racing and keeping him in a constant state of arousal. Images and sense memories of Blaine touching him, Kyle grabbing his wrist, Brad pressing him against the wall, the feel of having his hair pulled, of Blaine pounding into him, before he knew it, he’d pulled his pants down and was jerking himself off desperately while silently wondering if there was something wrong with him.

The scalding hot water in the shower felt good, making his skin red, making up for some of the guilt and confusion he was feeling. He could barely stand, wiped out from the overwhelming emotions and the powerful orgasm. He just wanted to sleep until he could forget about this night.

He never heard from Kyle again.

 

November 11, 2019

Kurt stared at his phone in frustration. He had typed, erased, and retyped this message at least eight times already. He couldn’t seem to find the right balance between business and… whatever else they had going on here. He didn’t even know anymore, but he thought maybe they were working their way back toward ‘friends’ and he would be okay with that. Huffing loudly, he finally just hit “send” before he could change his mind again.

***

_From Unknown: Nov 11, 1:32pm: Hi. It’s Kurt. I got your number from the cast sheet. I always keep the cast in my phone. Just so you know._

Blaine stared at his phone, blinking unbelievingly at the screen as his student continued to play arpeggios. Kurt had texted him. It was a casual text, all about the play. Purely business, apparently, and yet it pulled up all sorts of memories for him. Suggestive texts at school, quiet late night texting when Blaine’s parents were driving him crazy, the ‘Courage’ text that Kurt collaged in his locker, those last text messages he’d saved for nearly two years after their breakup. He wasn’t sure what to do about this. The temptation to text Kurt like he used to was stronger than he would have expected. But it wasn’t his place anymore. It wasn’t his boyfriend anymore. But still, the idea that he could just send Kurt a message… oh, he _had_ to send Kurt a message, otherwise, what would stop Kurt from thinking Blaine is ignoring him? He quickly programmed this new number into his phone as “Kurt Hummel” and smiled at finally having a number in there again. It wasn’t the same phone he had before, or the same number, or even the same carrier. But it was Blaine’s phone and it had Kurt’s number in it now, which is the way things were supposed to be.

  _To Kurt: Nov 11, 1:48pm: Okay, thanks for the heads up. How are you doing today?_

There. That would be okay, right? It’s casual, friendly, interested, but not pushy? Blaine shook his head and stuck his phone back in his pocket before he got in trouble. His part-time gig doing music lessons for school kids might be flexible enough to work around rehearsal and performance schedules, but if he goofed off with his phone instead of teaching little Sophie the piano, he wouldn’t last long here.

“Okay, Sophie, now let’s hear the song you practiced for this week,” he said as he smiled warmly at the 10 year old.

***

Kurt drowned out the rest of the world with his favorite Broadway playlist pumping through his headphones while he busied himself creating a pre-fitting schedule, where he would have each cast member come in for full measurements and a chat. He liked to talk to the actors to get a feel for their personality and how they viewed their character. It helped make the costumes _fit_ better, in a metaphorical sense. He already had ideas about how Rachel’s personality would come through in Maureen. The sexual confidence and flirtiness would come from some of the lessons Rachel learned in college. The complete goofiness she expressed in her “Over the Moon” final audition was flavored slightly because of Rachel’s past experience embracing her own peculiarities in high school. For these reasons, Kurt would select a chunkier heel on her shoes, or might add some color to one of Maureen’s traditionally black outfits. He liked to believe (and was grateful that Sara agreed with him) that it made his costumes complement the whole production and made it all better than simple copycat costumes would.

He juggled his schedule with the information he had on the actors’ availability for the next week or so. After that, the primary players would be here every day as they worked on choreography, read-throughs, practiced the songs again and again, and started full rehearsals. Kurt checked and double-checked the notes on all his actor’s forms, trying his best not to pause and daydream or get himself worked up whenever he ran across Blaine’s form. He finally stopped and really took the time to look over it. He seemed to have a fairly flexible schedule, as did most auditioning actors, but Kurt noticed that unlike a lot of the 6-hour blocks of time that usually meant waiter or bartender, Blaine had a lot of 60-90 minute blocks. They were often spaced out a lot, and mostly in the afternoons, and Kurt swore he wasn’t going to obsess about it trying to figure out what Blaine was doing these days. He had always had strange schedules when they were younger, too, though Kurt couldn’t think of any local amusement parks where Blaine might be singing. He had sudden images of Blaine playing a bunch of Disney songs for the kids at Victorian Gardens in Central Park and couldn’t help smiling to himself. As dorky as it might be, he had a feeling Blaine would have a ball doing something like that. He’d certainly enjoyed himself at King’s Island their first summer together.

 

June 16, 2011

“Awwwww, doesn’t he look cute up there on the stage.” Rachel nudged Kurt’s arm as she leaned closer.

“Blaine looks ‘cute’ all the time, Rachel. It’s his natural state of being. He’s far too good for King’s Island, though.” Kurt was glad that most of the Glee club had decided to join him for a day at the theme park. He knew Blaine would be busy off and on all day, and at least this way, he wouldn’t be alone.

“It’s kinda weird seeing him sing without a bunch of guys behind him providing all the background sounds. He’s really good, though,” Tina said as she watched Blaine bop across the stage to _another_ P!nk song.

“Yeah, he is,” Kurt said dreamily. He loved to watch Blaine perform. The way his eyes lit up and he got so completely lost in it, it was incredible. His stage presence was part of what made Kurt fall in love with him, after all. Blaine finished the song and made an announcement about the time of the next show. Kurt checked his phone and saw that they had just over an hour. “Come on, let’s go meet him at the stage.” He grabbed Mercedes’ hand and led the way.

They were nearly there when Blaine came around the curtain and jumped off stage to join them. “Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!” He pulled Kurt into a tight hug, trying not to hold his head or nuzzle his neck, reminding himself to pat or hold but not caress his back. “I wish I could kiss you right now,” he whispered in Kurt’s ear. He felt the tiniest of shivers before he quickly pulled away with a smile.

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing now!” Kurt’s tone was carefully straddling the line between casual in response to Blaine’s public statement and coy in response to his whispered desires. They shared a look before Blaine quickly turned to embrace each of the girls in turn.

“Where’s everyone else?” Blaine looked around at the four of them.

“Finn offered to cover a couple things for dad at the shop this morning, and Mike had to work until noon, so they’ll be meeting us this afternoon. We should determine if we’d prefer to have a late lunch with them or suggest that they eat lunch before meeting us. What do you think would…”

“Rachel!” Kurt shook his head, amazed that they all put up with her sometimes. “We’ll figure it out in a bit.”

“Oh, Sam might be joining us,” Mercedes said, glancing at her phone.

“Oh, Saaaaaam” Rachel and Tina said together as they pretended to swoon. Mercedes rolled her eyes, but Kurt saw the tiny smile she tried to hide.

“Cut it out! Can’t I get a text from a friend? People from Glee text each other all the time; it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Mercedes,” Tina hooked her arm around Mercedes’ as they walked. “Of course you can get a text from a friend, but we’ve all seen the way you two look at each other, and if you’re not already together, you should be! He’s crazy about you.”

Mercedes just shook her head and Blaine didn’t miss her grateful expression when he changed the subject to food. They spent the afternoon together and everyone enjoyed watching Blaine’s next show and teasing him mercilessly about it afterwards. Only Kurt didn’t tease him, because only Kurt knew him well enough to know just how much he loved it, and that was just one of the reasons he loved Kurt so much.

 

November 11, 2019

“Kurt? Kurt!”

He blinked as he heard Lindsey’s fairly concerned tone break through his nostalgia. “What? Sorry, I was… thinking.” He glanced down where he still had Blaine’s info sheet in front of him.

“About Blaine?” Her tone was friendly, a little curious, maybe even worried, but at the same time he heard Rachel saying those same words back in high school – though her tone had always been more teasing and cheerful. The end of their Junior year after he went back to McKinley, he’d been caught daydreaming quite a few times, thinking of Blaine and when he’d be able to see him again, kiss him again, laugh with him again. He was beginning to find it eerie just how much the memories and feelings and thoughts from different parts of his life kept colliding the past week or two.

“Yes. I, um, I had coffee with him last night. We talked a little bit, but I still don’t know exactly what’s going on, or even what I’d be hoping for if I were going to hope. I kinda broke down a little last night.”

“You had another panic attack?” She came closer, resting a hand on his arm.

“No, I don’t think so. At least, not as bad as that one. But it was a lot like the early part of it, which I’ve also had before. I felt a little like I couldn’t breathe, and then whenever I tried to say something, it was like I had a lump in my throat. We ended up picking songs for the occasion – it was like being in high school again, giving ourselves the glee club assignment to find a song to express your feelings. But it helped, and…” he felt his eyes starting to fill with tears as he thought about the feelings Blaine had been expressing to him. “God, Lindsey, I don’t understand it, but he’s so accepting and forgiving and it’s just… it almost feels like it’s the beginnings of some cruel trick to punish me for what I did.” He looked down at his hands, absently rubbing at a tiny ink smudge on his left thumb.

“Okay, wait, are you guys dating now?”

Kurt’s eyes widened and he looked at her almost panicked as he shook his head wildly. “No! No no no, we’re just… sort of talking?”

“So you wouldn’t want to date him again now?” She plastered on her most innocent expression, waiting for Kurt’s response.

“I- I didn’t say _that_.” Kurt muttered, almost smiling at Lindsey.

His phone vibrated on the desk and he looked to see that he had two text messages. He’d wait until later. He had a feeling one of them was from Blaine, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to see it in front of people.

“And since I’m sure you didn’t come in here _just_ to quiz me about Blaine, what can I do for you?” He offered Lindsey a smile and tried to give her his complete attention.

“Just need to go over a few things in the schedule with you so I can send out the first batch of emails.” She scooted a chair closer and sat with him to go over the rehearsal schedule. They’d all had mixed feelings about opening night. They knew they were shooting for late December, and when Sara realized that Christmas Eve was on a Tuesday, as are most opening nights in the city, she’d decided it was perfect. A play that begins and ends on Christmas Eve – opening on Christmas Eve. It was nice, but it also limited the cast and crew’s travel options, and could be a very light opening night. Sara had been working with a marketing and promotions student to get some new ideas, and Kurt thought that with enough creativity, opening night turnout could possibly surprise them all. Once they blocked in the most important dates and Kurt shared what he had so far of his construction schedule, Lindsey gathered her things and headed back to her office. “Just remember, Kurt, if you want to talk about it, I’m here. You can call me. Whatever. You know we’re friends, right? This is what friends do.”

Kurt blinked a couple times and smiled his _oh that was so sweet and I’m trying not to get overly emotional about it_ smile at her. He was a little surprised to realize he hadn’t really had that kind of friend in a very long time. “Thank you, Lindsey. I promise, I will call you if I need to talk. I’m, uh,” he looked down, nervous about admitting this, but knowing he’d have to start talking to people about it eventually. “I’m actually taking your advice, too. I decided to go ahead and see someone. After you talked about that… the, uh… panic attack?”

 He cleared his throat before he could continue. “I looked it up, and some other stuff, and it sounds like I could use some help. I haven’t told anyone but you, and I don’t want to yet. I just… it made me realize, well, and seeing Blaine certainly helped, that I haven’t really been happy in a long time. And yeah, I know part of that is Blaine, and I don’t know what’s happening there. Hell, I don’t even know for sure that he’s not seeing someone. But even if there’s a chance, if he wanted to, if _I_ wanted to, it wouldn’t work if I can’t even talk to him about the past. Even just to be friends… so I figured, I’d try to be reasonable about it. You always hear about how mental illness is not treated as often because it’s not considered a ‘real illness’ or something? And I thought about what I’d want someone else to do if they seemed depressed or something, and…” Wow, he hadn’t realized he was going to spill his guts to her again. He swallowed, wishing he had something to drink in there.

“Well, there was this guy in high school, he tried to hang himself, and I mean we weren’t close or anything, and we had some shaky history because he harassed me before he started accepting he was gay. But I just wanted him to get help, you know? And I’ve never thought about killing myself, or hurting myself, but I think I realized that I _was_ hurting myself, just like if my dad didn’t take his heart medicine and eat right, he’d be hurting himself. So, I have my first appointment tomorrow afternoon.” He sighed. “And you know Linds, if you ever wanted to change career paths, look into being a shrink yourself. Or if you want less school time, consider being a bartender or hair dresser. You’re really easy to talk to.” He smiled at her, feeling just a little embarrassed, wondering if he’d said too much.

“Well I’m glad, sweetie. That I’m easy to talk to, at least for you, and that you’re seeing someone about this. Maybe we can go get a drink after work one day?”

“I’d love that,” Kurt said, giving her a quick hug. He felt a little weird, considering how long it had been since he’d made casual social plans with a friend. He kept feeling the familiar waves of guilt and sorrow creeping up and reminding himself of Blaine’s words, _‘it’s okay, I’m here’_ and ‘ _I can wait’_ and _‘can we be friends again’_.

He turned back to his phone and took a deep breath before checking those messages.

_From Rachel: Nov 11, 3:27pm: I would love to take you out for dinner sometime this week as a thank you for getting me that audition. Just us, to catch up?_

Wow. He certainly hadn’t been expecting that. And coming on the heels of Lindsey’s invitation, Kurt momentarily felt like his old self, the social butterfly. He thought about it and checked his calendar quickly.

_To Rachel: Nov 11, 4:12pm: Sounds nice. I’m free on Thursday._

He made a note about it and moved on to the next message.

_From Blaine: Nov 11, 1:48pm: Okay, thanks for the heads up. How are you doing today?_

Kurt stared at the message for a few minutes, trying to decide what it meant. Was Blaine asking to be friendly, or because of Kurt’s slight break-down last night? How to answer this, anyway? How _was_ he doing today? He’d been nervous earlier, but had some good points to his day as well, and was mostly just pleased to not be panicking at the moment.

_To Blaine: Nov 11, 4:24pm: I’m okay. Thank you for asking._

He wondered if he should include something about the show, the schedule, the email Blaine would get tomorrow, but ultimately decided not to. He thought perhaps they’d have a better chance getting to know one another again if they didn’t rely on work for their conversations. Not that a couple text messages equals a conversation, but… Kurt sighed in frustration and firmly reprimanded himself.

“Breathe Kurt, stop jumping the gun, take it one step at a time.”

 

November 13, 2019

Kurt had settled for simple toast and coffee for breakfast that morning. His nerves were jumpy and he really didn’t want to spend the rest of the day feeling nauseated. His new therapist had given him a few tips for emergencies but they’d get into more next week. And having at least two meetings with Blaine before that next appointment would certainly give Kurt something to talk about. He smirked to himself as he gathered the things he’d need for their first costume meeting. Sure, some people might have an assistant do all the initial measuring and record-keeping, but Kurt preferred to do it himself to help trigger costume ideas. He just couldn’t settle his nerves about this one.

Blaine walked in at 9:55, and Kurt tried desperately to pretend he hadn’t been staring at the clock counting down the seconds. “Hi. Um, I’ll be with you in just a second.” He fiddled around on his tablet screen, tapped it a couple times, and closed the cover. “You can just put your things down on the sofa over there,” he nodded toward the back corner, “and, um, I’ll need you in…” and suddenly the pathways between his brain and mouth stopped working. He watched the way Blaine’s jeans hugged his ass as he went to put his bag and coat down. Kurt could only ask himself how could he have not thought this through and planned out exactly _how_ to tell Blaine he needed to strip to his underwear?

“Wait. Okay, first, I know how this works. It’s okay. Boxer briefs and a t-shirt okay? Or do you need something else?” Blaine came back across the room as he spoke, walking directly up to Kurt.

“N-no. That’s – that’ll be fine. Sorry. I know it’s awkward.” He smiled, and reminded himself to breathe.

“It’ll get better.” He just stood there, looking at Kurt, and Kurt couldn’t think clearly. He felt a little lost in the feelings and Blaine’s gaze, like he had the other night when they nearly kissed, and that thought was enough to make him blink, and look away. He glanced around, trying to think of something to cut the tension. His eyes finally landed on the small container in Blaine’s hands.

“What’s that?” he pointed at the container, but then suddenly remembering that Blaine had said ‘first,’ he asked, “What’s second?”

Blaine smiled. “What’s second is this,” he held up the mystery container and reached for the lid with his other hand. “They’re for you.” Kurt looked up again and gasped at the intensity of Blaine’s gaze. He looked happy but nervous, and very earnest. Kurt looked down again and watched Blaine pull off the cover to reveal several neat stacks of snickerdoodles, Kurt’s favorite cookie.

He looked up again, opening his mouth to ask why Blaine was bringing him cookies, but then he suddenly knew why. He saw the shimmer in Blaine’s eyes and felt his own eyes tearing up again as Blaine spoke.

“I promised to bake you cookies at least twice a year. I figure I owe you at least another 13 batches after this.” 


	14. Don't Lose Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes: The bit about the burger place is quite blatantly stolen from HIMYM, which I do not own or have any connection to. It was mentioned by the amazing tangledhair, and I couldn’t NOT use it. The part about Boat Basin Café is thanks to a suggestion from fanfiction user gleeeeeful. I loved the description of the clientele so much I had to let Kurt actually say it. :)  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.  
> This fic is over 65K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 14 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 
> 
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG

 

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Fourteen: Don’t Lose Control

_They say use your head, don't lose control_   
_To hell with that pride, I swallowed it whole_   
_~The Lucky Ones by Radney Foster_

November 13, 2019

“I promised to bake you cookies at least twice a year. I figure I owe you at least another 13 batches after this.”

Kurt couldn’t speak. Conflicting emotions battled in his gut, leaving him with the sudden desire to smile, cry, vomit, and kiss Blaine, but not necessarily in that order. He tried to tell himself to reach out for the cookies because isn’t that what he was supposed to do? But at the same time he wanted to run and hide. And Jesus, fuck, Blaine was really doing this, wasn’t he? Kurt choked back something that might have been a sob or a cynical laugh – never in his weirdest, wildest, and drunkest dreams would Blaine have ever hinted at something like that again. Now all he could do is wonder what that meant. Was Blaine trying to suggest that the rest of those promises were still valid? Kurt closed his eyes, thinking about that small red box that he still kept in the nightstand drawer, trying to catch his breath and hold back the tears. He couldn’t have a breakdown right now, and dammit he _wouldn’t_ have a panic attack right now.

He heard Blaine take a deep breath, as if he were going to say something else, but Kurt spoke first. “Why?”

Blaine sighed and looked away, though Kurt tried valiantly to convince himself that Blaine didn’t look suddenly sad. “Because I promised, Kurt.” And that should have been answer enough. Kurt took a deep breath and decided that it needed to be answer enough, at least for now. Blaine certainly didn’t owe him any explanations when he wasn’t willing to explain himself.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to, but thank you.” He willed his hands to be somewhat steady as he reached for the container and lid, and he willed his heart to slow down again when he saw Blaine glance up at him briefly from underneath his long, thick lashes. They shared a quick smile before Kurt turned to put the cookies down and pick up his tape measure. “Now, I’m not sure if the cookies were supposed to make this less awkward, but you’re still wearing too many clothes.” He realized how that sounded as soon as the words were out of his mouth, but it was clearly too late to fix it then. “I didn’t…”

“As you wish…” Blaine was saying. Kurt closed his eyes and forced another slow breath. _He didn’t mean anything by it. Just because Westley meant ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean Blaine’s saying that. He’s just being goofy, like usual._ He thought about making a Vizzini joke to lighten the mood, but when he turned to speak, Blaine was already undressing. Kurt watched for a moment as Blaine pulled his sweater over his head and started unbuttoning his shirt. _Oh god, I cannot stand here and ogle him like this; it’s completely inappropriate_.

The next twenty or so minutes were pure torture for Blaine as Kurt moved around him, quietly asking him to raise or lower his arms, or to please spread his feet apart – and this last part was said in a rough, deep voice he had only heard from Kurt a few times, a voice that sent quick reminders straight to his cock. He had to remind himself that it was just so Kurt could measure his inseam, though he was pretty sure he’d never been so nervous or so aroused by having his inseam measured. He tried to make small talk, asking Kurt what ideas he’d had about costumes, commenting on a cast and crew photo from a previous show; hell, he’d even brought up the damn weather. It was all he could do to keep from getting hard just thinking about how little he was wearing and how close Kurt was. He hadn’t just missed Kurt for the sex, but his libido was currently reminding him just how much he enjoyed the sex with Kurt, just how good they’d always been together. But this was the wrong time for sexual thoughts. He needed to keep his hormones in check, and they had to do this right if they were going to have any chance… for anything, really.

Kurt stood behind Blaine to measure across his shoulders. The t-shirt Blaine was wearing was rather form-fitting, and worn thin like an old favorite. Kurt could easily see the movement of Blaine’s muscles through the thin fabric and had to stop himself from pressing a kiss right between the shoulder blades. As he measured Blaine’s arms, he marveled at how much they’d filled out and restrained himself from gently running his fingers along the veins he could see there. He wrapped the tape measure around Blaine’s neck and had an odd fleeting thought of replacing it with a collar. Measuring Blaine’s waist was torture. He wanted so badly to run his fingers under the hem of that t-shirt to reach the elastic of the navy boxer-briefs. As he dropped to his knees and asked Blaine to spread his legs, it was all he could do to remember _how_ to measure an inseam. He tried to keep up with Blaine’s chatter until it finally hit him that Blaine was chattering because of nerves. Blaine was nervous! Kurt wasn’t sure what he thought of that. He jotted down the last numbers needed on his chart and pretended to look it over for a moment while he thought.

“You can get dressed again. That’s the last of the measuring for now.” He was very adamantly _not_ looking at Blaine, instead choosing to become super focused on the clipboard with Blaine’s records. “Um, shoes… you still wear a nine and a half?”

His voice dropped and when Blaine glanced over, he could see the pink tint on Kurt’s ears and neck. It was a clear sign that he was nervous. _Or aroused,_ Blaine’s inner voice suggested. No, just nervous, had to be just nerves, right? And of course, thinking about Kurt’s nerves brought Blaine’s attention to his own nerves. He suddenly panicked, trying to remember what Kurt had asked him about.

“Blaine?” Kurt was looking at him expectantly, though Blaine thought he saw a little concern there, too. “You okay? I was asking if your shoe size has changed at all.”

“Um, oh, sorry, I mean, yeah.” Blaine sighed in frustration over not being able to think clearly and finished. “Yeah, I, uh, I wear a ten and a half now.” He thought about that, his mind racing through so many implications of that one little change. He wasn’t really aware that he was thinking aloud, though. “I… I was still growing. We were still growing. God, we were kids, we hadn’t finished puberty, we hadn’t done so many things. And now…” he trailed off, suddenly aware he’d been speaking. He shot his gaze up to meet Kurt’s, more than a little worried about the reaction he’d find there.

“And now,” Kurt continued with a bittersweet smile, “those kids are gone and we’ve just met?”

Blaine shook his head. “No! I mean, yes, that’s true, but that’s not all of it. I was just…” he looked down, hesitant. “I probably shouldn’t say anything else right now. I’m sorry.”

That left Kurt feeling a little conflicted. He couldn’t help but be grateful that Blaine understood the need to proceed with caution, but there was something in his very blood, it seemed, that was drawn to Blaine, wanted nothing more than to hear what Blaine was really thinking, to reach out and hold him and apologize and kiss him and never, ever let him go again. And at the moment, that part of him seemed to be a bit more adamant in its desires.

“Blaine, please. Think about it. Maybe talking about things when they come up naturally is better for us. Maybe it would be easier, for everyone, than trying to force some big scheduled ‘fix-it’ talk.” He gestured abstractly as he finished talking.

Blaine considered it, and looked at Kurt with a little smile. It gave him hope that Kurt was interested in talking things through in a healthy way, and a touch of nostalgia as Kurt’s more relaxed tone and slightly big gestures reminded him so much of the Kurt he’d fallen in love with. “Yeah,” his smile widened. “Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. It has always worked well for us before.”

“So what were you thinking? ‘We were so young, we’ve grown up so much, and now…’  What’s the rest of it, Blaine?” Kurt tilted his head, curious, feeling a little sly, but very nervous as well. So many things could come of this.

“And now, maybe we’re not just older.” Blaine was hesitant at first, but he reminded himself that Kurt asked to talk about this. They were supposed to be honest. “Maybe we’re smarter? And maybe this is a chance to… I don’t know, to do it right? To know what we want, and to know how to fight our fears.”

“I-I hope…” Kurt sighed and swallowed nervously. “I hope we’re not _just_ older. But I don’t know that I… I mean, I’m not ready.” Kurt rubbed one hand absently over his neck, pulling slightly at the top of his sweater. “I want to… I don’t know, I want something. I… I guess I’m just… I don’t think I know how to fight my fears, but I’m working on it.”

“Well, that’s a start. If there’s anything I can do to help you with it, will you tell me?” And Kurt was completely undone by the pleading, earnest looking in those eyes.

“Yes. I promise.”

 

November 17, 2019

_From Blaine: Nov 17, 11:27am: Just thought I’d remind you about my show at Dive tonight, in case you want to come. No pressure, but we could grab some cheesecake after. :)_

Kurt set his phone down on the coffee table and started pacing the room, glaring at the offending device each time he walked past it.

_To Lindsey: Nov 17, 12:01pm: You should come with me to Dive tonight. Either that, or you should talk me out of going._

_To Lindsey: Nov 17, 12:01pm: Yes, talk me out of going. Please._

_From Lindsey: Nov 17, 12:04pm: I’m gonna need more information here before I can talk you out of anything. Wanna do lunch and tell me all about it?_

_To Lindsey: Nov 17, 12:06pm: Sounds good. Ruby Foo’s in about half an hour?_

_From Lindsey: Nov 17, 12:07pm: Oooh, dim sum. You know the way to my heart._ _J_

Twenty-eight minutes later, Lindsey walked into Ruby Foo’s and found Kurt already waiting for her.

“Have you been…”

“Don’t even worry about it. I’ve been here about three minutes, and look! Now our table’s ready. Perfect timing!” He smiled cordially at the hostess and waited until they were settled at the small table before saying anything else. They selected several options from the dim sum carts and got their scalding hot green tea, talking casually the whole time.

As they settled in to eat, Kurt gave her another big smile. “Thank you for this. I was fully prepared to spend the entire day puttering around the house like some old codger, so this is good for me.”

“Happy to, especially when you want anything Asian, or pizza.” She smiled. “Ohh, and let me know if you ever need company for Gray’s Papaya. Or burgers! I love a good burger!”

Kurt laughed. “I can’t eat burgers here anymore. Just a month or so after I moved here, I got an amazing burger at this little place with a green door and a red sign that said ‘burger’. I tried to take Santana there the next day, she was my roommate at the time, but I couldn’t find it again. I’ve tried dozens of burgers since then, but they just don’t measure up.”

Lindsey offered a sympathetic pout. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“I guess, if I’m ever meant to have those burgers again, I’ll just turn a corner one day and see that red sign.” He smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“So, what does that say about you and Blaine?”

Kurt gasped in surprise. “Wow. You don’t pull any punches, do you?”

“Hey, you said I needed to talk you out of going to his gig. I figure this is about him.”

“I didn’t say it was his gig.” He sat up straighter, trying to be indignant.

“You didn’t have to.” She patted his hand comfortingly before grabbing another dumpling. “I remembered on my way here that he does a gig every Sunday. I put two and two together.”

“Stop doing math!” He was trying to joke his way into a different conversation, not even sure what to say about Blaine.

“Kurt.” She pointed her chopsticks at him and stared him down. “Stop running. You’re with me. You said I’m easy to talk to. Talk to me!”

He sighed and nodded his head. “You’re right. You’re totally right. God, Linds, why didn’t I know you and talk to you about this years ago. You might have been able to keep me from being stupid. You know, I saw him around town a few times, but I did my best to make sure he never saw me. Hell, sometimes I wasn’t even sure it was him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for example, a few years ago I went to lunch with one of my classmates. We had to do this stupid project together and she wanted to discuss it at lunch. Anyway, we were at the Boat Basin Café, and I swear every other guy there had the cute preppy-with-a-twist style I was used to seeing on Blaine. I could barely finish my lunch because I kept freaking out every time I thought I saw him. And do you know how long I had to actively avoid the Brooks Brothers’ stores?”

“Blaine? In Brooks Brothers?” Lindsey was clearly skeptical, and Kurt thought back to the jeans and leather jacket Blaine had worn to the call backs.

“Yeah, he looked different back then. Like a dapper young movie star from the early 50s.”

“Awwww, I bet he looked adorable.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Kurt smiled sadly.

“And what about you? Did you wear all the expensive preppy clothes, too?”

“No, I was far too fashionable for Lima, Ohio, especially at that age.” He took a sip of his tea and told himself to get to the real issues. “But we didn’t come here so I could reminisce about my high school wardrobe.”

“No, we didn’t, did we?” She smiled, a simple smile, but Kurt could see it held understanding. Her look, her words, her entire demeanor said ‘I’m not going to push and prod until you talk to me, but I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk,’ and Kurt took a moment to marvel at just how comfortable he felt with her. He’d been keeping himself closed off for so long that connecting with people again felt almost alien, but it also felt kind of good. It felt even better with Blaine. That hug at the diner had been like coming home. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there lost in his thoughts, but he looked up when another waitress stopped to ask if they needed anything else from the cart.

“Spring rolls, please, and some more tea?” He smiled up at the waitress, wondering why he was suddenly thinking of his argument with Blaine about snapping for cheesecake. He got his spring rolls, and was vaguely aware of Lindsey asking for a couple of items before the waitress left the table. He looked up at Lindsey in a bit of a daze, trying to focus on her and not all the memories and thoughts rolling around in his head. “I think I might be going insane.”

He somehow felt he should have been surprised or at least offended when she laughed, but all he could do was laugh along with her. “No really,” he gasped out mid-chuckle, “I’ve been having trouble focusing on anything because my mind is in too many places.” Talking about it more sobered him, and he felt lighter for the laughter, more prepared to deal with this. “I can’t seem to get through an hour without being overwhelmed by thoughts of Blaine, memories of our relationship, questions about his life since then, wondering about … well, about now, and what’s happening. I don’t know where his head is. I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what I waaaaa…no, I can’t say that.” He poked at a steamed bun with his chopstick, shaking his head sadly. “I know exactly what I want. I _want_ to spend the rest of my life with him. I just don’t know what I want from reality.”

“Why isn’t that reality?” Lindsey kept her tone gentle, asking him the question without engaging his focus completely. She wanted to let him stay amidst the thoughts in his head, working out how they all fit together.

“Because? Be-because I broke up with him. I cheated on him and then I was too cowardly to face it so I just broke up with him. I screwed up, and then I screwed up again.” He glared at his plate for a moment, as if it were the one at fault, but the anger slipped away to be quickly replaced by a sorrow Lindsey didn’t realize he’d been holding in. Even through his panic last week, she hadn’t seen this much self-recrimination and regret. He barely whispered, “I gave up my chance at a happily ever after.”

“Yeah, because you forgot where the green door with the red burger sign is. But Blaine showed up in your life again. So maybe even if you can’t have the perfect burger, you can still have that future with him?”

Kurt couldn’t help the smile, despite the fact he couldn’t believe her optimism. “You have a very interesting way of putting things sometimes, Linds. But I’m afraid it’s not quite that easy.” He focused on his food for a minute or so, though he didn’t eat a bit of it. Lindsey sat quietly, sipping her tea and purposely not watching him scoot the last dumpling and the last spring roll around his plate. “He brought me cookies.” He didn’t even realize he’d said it aloud until Lindsey questioned him about it.

“Was it a special occasion or something?”

“What?” He looked up and then realized what she was asking. “Oh, um, not really. A long time ago he said he was going to bake me cookies twice a year, so when he came in for his measurements, he brought me cookies and said he owed me.” And then suddenly he was crying and he hadn’t even realized he was close to it. “God, Lindsey, he doesn’t owe me anything. How could he possibly think that? He couldn’t owe me, he – It’s too much. I don’t deserve that.”

“You don’t deserve what? His kindness?” Kurt just nodded, wrapping one arm across his torso while the other dabbed at his eyes with the corner of his napkin. “You’re wrong, sweetie. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

Kurt sniffed and nodded slightly. He didn’t think he deserved it, but he certainly hoped he was getting it anyway. He was a little overwhelmed with just how much he hoped that, actually. He hadn’t really ever thought about it.

“I think I just automatically assumed it was over forever. It didn’t even cross my mind that he could forgive me, that there could ever be a chance…” he trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. His mind seemed to randomly shuffle through romantic milestones of their relationship, interspersed with mundane things like the first time Blaine spent the weekend and they just hung out and chatted while Blaine helped fold the laundry. At that moment, he had envisioned himself five or ten years later, still sharing those daily chores, loving smiles, friendly chats, and sweet kisses with Blaine. After the breakup, he’d cried through laundry day for the first month or two, just because it always reminded him that he’d never do laundry with Blaine again. But apparently he could get cheesecake with Blaine again, though he was too nervous to not worry about it being a bad idea, and this was exactly why he’d asked to talk to Lindsey.

“So, the big question of the day – should I go to his gig and out for cheesecake afterwards, or should I beg off and be reasonable about things?”

She tilted her head and gave him a slightly reproachful look. “Why is it unreasonable to go listen to good music and eat good cheesecake with a friend?”

“Because he’s not just a friend! He’s Blaine.”

Lindsey smiled at him. “Why did you say it that way?”

“What way?” He tiled his head, confused, and then glanced up as the waitress left their checks on the table.

“You said it’s because ‘he’s Blaine.’ You didn’t say because he’s your ex, or because you want to get back together with him, or because of the sexual tension – and let me just say, the very idea of that is incredibly hot – but just because ‘he’s Blaine.’ That’s kind of specifically general.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, and Lindsey was pleased to see him smile at her as he spoke. “First of all, you really notice details, don’t you? Secondly, please tell me you’re not going to start fantasizing about us. You know that’s just wrong when you actually know the people. And finally, ‘specifically general’? Really? What’s that even supposed to mean?”

“It means you don’t think of Blaine as your ex-boyfriend, but you clearly don’t think of him as a friend. ‘He’s Blaine’ implies that he’s got his own category. The Blaine category.”

It was on the tip of Kurt’s tongue to say ‘well he does’ but he held that thought in, mostly out of fear of having to examine it just yet. Instead he just sighed and finished his tea.


	15. Should Turn and Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes: There are a few new characters. Virtual cookies for you if you can tell me who they’re very loosely based on (I admit, I didn’t change the names, but they’re loosely based. Loosely, I say!)  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.  
> We have passed the 70,000 word mark and (holy crap) nearly 10k of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 15 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 
> 
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG

 

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Fifteen: Should Turn and Run

I'm fading... fading   
Should turn and run   
But no I'll wait my turn   
To be one of the lucky ones   
~The Lucky Ones by Val Emmich

 

November 18, 2019

Lindsey and Kurt were busy setting up for rehearsal and Kurt was doing everything in his power to stay on the opposite side of the theatre from her. Kurt wasn’t specifically needed during this initial read-through, but he liked getting the first glimpse of how these characters would come to life. He just wanted to focus on setting up chairs, and let Lindsey focus on script copies and paperwork. He didn’t want to answer Lindsey’s million questions about the night before.

They’d gone to Dive together, had a couple drinks, shared an order of sweet potato chips, and listened to Blaine’s set. It was a nice enough evening. The music ranged from recent hits to classic Beatles and Kurt had to remind himself more than once to stop staring shamelessly. They’d all chatted casually after Blaine was done, and then Lindsey got a cab home. Now she wanted details about everything that happened after she got in that cab.

It wasn’t that anything racy had happened. They’d gone for coffee and cheesecake, and sat there talking for a couple hours. Sure, Kurt had noticed a few awkward silences, and a little tension that he thought probably wasn’t one-sided, but neither of them had said or done anything to acknowledge it. Kurt wasn’t sure what to think about it today. At the time he thought it was kind of nice that they’d been able to just hang out as friends without any big emotional outbursts or deep, meaningful discussions. He could get used to that; after all, they’d been friends before they started dating. However, once they’d gone their separate ways and Kurt was on his way home, he’d started to realize just how much he had relaxed around Blaine. That was when he started to panic. He had made it home and huddled in the corner of his couch willing himself to calm down and consciously reminding himself to take deep, slow breaths. Until he could understand what he was thinking or feeling, he just couldn’t talk to Lindsey about it, especially not at work. Unfortunately, Lindsey was not to be put off.

“So, just how long do you plan to avoid me?”

“Just about that long,” he said after a quick glance behind her. “The cast is arriving. Sorry, no time to talk right now.” He offered her a smile that only grew bigger when she glared at him in a playful threat.

He spent the rest of the afternoon flitting between jotting down character and costume notes, musing about his youthful dreams of being the one in the spotlight, and trying not to blush whenever Blaine glanced up at him and smiled. _For god’s sake, Kurt, get yourself together! Don’t ruin this again before you have a chance to fix it. And it’s going to take more than a Whitney Houston song this time._

 

April 23, 2012

“I know you got a taste of it when you lost your mom, but it’s just like the older you get, you just see. It – none of it lasts.” Kurt furrowed his brow, thinking about that. Thinking about the things that wouldn’t last, and as much as he was paying attention to his dad, and was sad about the prospect of missing him, he was also thinking about Blaine. He didn’t want Blaine to be one of those things that wouldn’t last. His dad continued, and Kurt forced himself to listen actively. “Yes, you and I will always love each other, and you and I will always be there for each other. But, you know,” he sighed, “as soon as you walk out our door towards New York, everything’s gonna change.” Kurt felt himself tearing up a little as he listened. Burt smiled sadly at him. “And it won’t change back – not to the way it is now.”

Kurt felt the impact of that statement harder than he would have expected. As his dad said “I’m proud of you” and they shared their “I’ll miss you”s and “I love you”s, Kurt couldn’t help noticing his dad looking back at the prom photo on the shelf. Once he was alone again, Kurt picked up the picture frame and stared at the photo, sniffling. His entire life was going to change after graduation. He was looking forward to it in so many ways, but suddenly it was getting hard not to think of all the things that could go wrong. He’d have to adjust. He’d make sure to keep in touch with his loved ones regularly – not so much that it impeded his life, but enough that they wouldn’t become distant. Blaine, of course, would get most of his free time, right?

Of course, that completely relied on Kurt fixing this whole Chandler debacle. Blaine needed to know how important he was, and Kurt knew just the Whitney song for the occasion.

 

April 24, 2012

http://youtu.be/-I4w3qeMaJ8

Kurt took a deep breath and closed his eyes as the music started. He had an important message to get across, and this felt like possibly the most important performance of his life.

_Share my life, take me for what I am_

He poured his heart into this. He loved Blaine, and he couldn’t imagine life without him. They had a fight.  All couples have some obstacles, right? They could totally get past this. It’s not like he’s actually cheated. He could make Blaine understand this. Kurt opened his eyes and looked straight at Blaine, begging him to see, to understand.

_Cause I’ll never change all my colors for you_

Blaine had had a really crappy day, and he hadn’t been sure he even wanted to come to Glee today, but his sense of responsibility and obligation pushed him on. When Kurt started singing, it was all Blaine could do not to run out of the room. He’d been so angry, and so scared. That was really it. He didn’t really think Kurt had fully cheated, but he was scared of losing him just the same. Once Kurt opened his eyes, Blaine had to look away, glancing around at the band, the walls, the floor, anything to avoid Kurt’s gaze. He squirmed a little in his seat, feeling uncomfortably bare.

_Take my love, I’ll never ask for too much_

Kurt raised his hands to lightly grasp the mic stand. His head was angled just a bit, and he looked so intense. Quinn watched him, curious about the situation and a little concerned for both Kurt and Blaine.

_Just all that you are, and everything that you do_

Mike listened closely to the words and it sure didn’t sound like someone who had cheated. He’d tried to talk to Blaine after Glee yesterday, but Blaine had brushed him off, did some boxing, and went home. Mike had texted last night to see if he wanted to talk. They were friends. Isn’t that what friends do? He turned to give Blaine a ‘dude, what the hell happened?’ look. Blaine’s response was a clear, but silent ‘shut up’.

_I don’t really need to look very much further_

Kurt stood firm, balancing his weight on his feet, taking a stand with his posture. He’d always tried to go after what he wanted, and he certainly wasn’t going to stop now.

Blaine crossed his arms sullenly and slouched down in his seat. It was completely unfair of Kurt to make _him_ feel bad. Kurt was the one flirty-texting with another guy. But still, he couldn’t deny that Kurt was right about part of it. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d complimented Kurt, mostly because he’d spent so much time lately trying to ignore Kurt’s focus on New York and all the wonderful things that would be there. It felt like he was forgetting that Blaine _wouldn’t_ be there.

_I don’t wanna have to go where you don’t follow_

That line had more power to it because Kurt couldn’t think of New York without imagining all the times he’d miss Blaine, and he just knew he’d be waiting to really call it home when they were sharing it together.

_I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside_

Will sat back watching Kurt, impressed with the power and emotion he was conveying. He’d really grown up a lot from that ‘twelve year old milkmaid’ as Emma once said.

_Can’t run from myself, there’s nowhere to hide_

Mark lowered his trumpet and watched Kurt. He’d missed a note or two when Kurt clenched his fists and sang about the passion inside, but now that he didn’t have to play for a minute, he wanted to enjoy the chance to watch. Kurt had such style and confidence, and with his long legs and the curve of his jaw and those amazing blue green eyes, Mark wouldn’t give up his spot in the backup band for anything. He knew he didn’t have a chance with Kurt. That was obvious. But the eye candy was more than okay.

_Don’t make me close one more door_

Mercedes smiled when Kurt hit the high notes. She knew how hard he worked for those notes, and it was good to see him using his range. She felt bad about their fight, but she just couldn’t worry too much about it ‘cause those boys were too in love to stay apart forever.

Mike glanced back at Blaine again, and Blaine consciously kept his expression nicer this time. He knew Mike was just being a concerned friend, and he appreciated it and would totally take him up on his offer to talk about it. He just… he couldn’t yet. He hadn’t known what to say. He still didn’t.

_I don’t wanna hurt anymore / Stay in my arms if you dare, or must I imagine you there_

Kurt’s eyes were almost pleading, and then he raised his arms out as if he wanted Blaine to come to him, and dammit if Blaine didn’t want to do just that. He never felt better than when he was with Kurt, arms wrapped around him, thighs touching at the dinner table, holding hands in the car, it didn’t matter. Just being with him made the world a better place, as obnoxious as that might seem. Blaine held his crossed arms tensely and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get a handle on his feelings.

_Don’t walk away from me_

Mike and Tina glanced toward each other, not actually making eye contact, but just enough movement that they both knew. This devotion, they both understood it, and it made them sad to see their friends struggling when they knew Kurt and Blaine had a deep and true love, just like them.

_I have nothing, nothing, nothing_

Blaine stared, trying to reconcile the fact that he wanted so badly to be in Kurt’s arms and that he also wanted to go a while on the punching bag. Kurt’s declaration of having nothing felt good in a way, felt like maybe he was saying Blaine was important, but he knew that would change when Kurt went to New York. He knew Kurt couldn’t be out there following his dreams and still keeping the relationship they had. He just didn’t know how to deal with that.

_Don’t make me close one more door_

Kurt grasped the mic as he started the next phrase. He had long since stopped thinking about the technical aspects of what he was singing. He was far too invested in this to pay attention to the breathing and pitch, and really, he knew he was doing fine. What he wasn’t sure about was if he was getting through to Blaine. The scowl and crossed arms certainly didn’t seem easily penetrable.

_I don’t wanna hurt anymore_

Finn looked at Rachel, wondering if what they had was really as real as Kurt and Blaine’s relationship. He didn’t think Rachel felt that strongly about him. He just couldn’t shake the idea that she was settling for him.

_Stay in my arms if you dare_

When Kurt looked up again, Blaine had relaxed his arms, and his face had softened, but as soon as he saw Kurt looking, Blaine glanced away. It felt like a punch in the gut to Kurt, but it only made him more determined.

_Or must I imagine you there_

He pointed at Blaine. He wasn’t giving up on them. He couldn’t. He’d promised to never say goodbye to Blaine, and he sure as hell wasn’t going back on that over a couple days of text messages.

_Don’t walk away from me, No_

Blaine felt the pull in his heart when he locked eyes with Kurt. No, he couldn’t walk away. He’d be lost without Kurt, just like he’d be lost without his own torso.

_Don’t walk away from me / Don’t you dare walk away from me / I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you / You you you, if I don’t have you, ohh ohhhhh_

They waited out the rest of the song, Kurt singing his heart out, but doing an amazing job of holding in his deepest emotions, the gut-wrenching fear of losing this dream he’d just barely allowed himself to believe in before he’d met Blaine. They come so far and he refused to let it end like this.

 

November 22, 2019

“Sorry, Dad. I wish I could be there, but we just can’t spare the time for everyone to go home next weekend. Sara’s throwing a big Thanksgiving party for the cast and crew that don’t have local families, though.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to rely on phone calls for now, and we’ll come up for opening night and spend Christmas in New York. How’s that sound?”

Kurt smiled, glad his dad was being so understanding, but a little surprised at the Christmas plans. “It sounds great, but do you think Carole and Finn will be okay with that? And can you afford the time off?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, and I’ll double check with them, but I don’t see why they’d care. A vacation would be nice, and you know we’ll want to come and see the show anyway. What matters is being together with the people you love for the holiday.” Burt’s voice got a little gruffer, like it often did when he was getting emotional.

“It’ll be perfect. I gotta run right now, though. I still have a meeting to get to this afternoon.”

“All right, you take care and don’t work too hard. Try going out with friends once in a while or something.” The concern was nothing new, but for the first time in years, Kurt wasn’t lying when he responded.

“I will.”

 

November 24, 2019

Kurt, being true to his word, was out with friends. Unlike the previous week when he and Lindsey had sat through Blaine’s set together, this time nearly half the cast and crew had come out. This would be Blaine’s last set for a while because of the intense rehearsal schedule, so Sara and Lindsey had made it a group event and told everyone to get there at least an hour early so there’d be plenty of time to eat and visit before Blaine had to take the stage. So there Kurt sat, surrounded by Sara, Lindsey, Rachel, Cameron, and Miki. They had arrived early, about five minutes after Blaine texted that he was running late, so Kurt was already sipping his Black Russian by the time Blaine, Santana, and Brittany walked in. He groaned quietly. He hadn’t been expecting even more of his past to show up tonight, but he quickly saw that he had no way to escape because Brittany was bounding toward him with a big smile on her face.

“Kurt! You’re getting your magic back, aren’t you?” She grabbed him in a big hug. “It’s so good to see you, my fellow unicorn!”

Of course, as usual, the best he could do was hug her back, smile, and say “It’s good to see you, too, Brittany.” He had no idea what magic she was talking about, but with Brittany there was really no telling.

Greeting Santana was different; she offered a cursory nod and a painted on smile that he recognized as her ‘I’m trying to be civil, but I don’t trust you’ expression – she clearly hadn’t forgiven him, and really, he couldn’t blame her. Talking to his therapist this week had been rather eye-opening for him. He’d recounted the events of 2012, and in the process realized just how horribly he’d treated everyone, not the least of which was Blaine. The way he’d acted was cold and distant and definitely not how any of his friends had deserved to be treated. He’d been told it wasn’t really his fault, but Kurt felt like that was just passing blame and didn’t see how that would be helpful.

While Kurt was lost in these thoughts, Blaine was apparently introducing people to Santana and Brittany. He’d obviously covered Sara and Lindsey already when Kurt tuned in. “…and Miki is playing our amazing Joann. Cameron is gonna keep me on my toes playing Mark – really, this guy’s got a great voice. We could have used them both in New Directions.” Just as he finished speaking, they all heard a thick New York accent from behind Blaine.

“Yeah, but I bet your club wouldn’a been able to deal wit me.” Kurt thought he saw Blaine’s jaw clench before he turned to greet Emily.

“Hi there! Hey girls, this is Emily,” he pulled the petite Latino girl closer to the group. “She’ll be playing Mimi in the show. Em, this is Santana and Brittany.” He motioned toward each of them as he went through the introductions. Blaine was paying more attention to Emily, or maybe – if Kurt was reading it right – to the fact that Emily bugged him. But Kurt also managed to see the quick sizing up that happened between Emily and Santana, and he had to admit he’d put just about everything he owed on Santana if someone were taking bets on who’d kick who’s ass.

“Trust me, McKinley had plenty fiery Latinos there already, but I’m sure you’ll have fun trying to keep up with our Blaine.” Santana’s smile was overly sweet, with more than a hint of the ‘I dare you to fuck with me’ attitude of her youth. Kurt saw Emily narrow her eyes, but she didn’t say anything. She just smiled in response and scooted into the booth with Cameron, obviously making him a little uncomfortable with her overly flirtatious ways.

The evening started out well enough, and everyone was excited when Blaine took the stage.

“Hey guys! It’s great to see you here tonight, and I’m sad to let you know that this will be my last gig here for a while, but it’s for a good reason! I’ll be rehearsing for an upcoming production of RENT! In honor of that, and because RENT is set in the late 80s, I’ll be doing all 80s night tonight!”

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh along with the rest of the crowd. He also couldn’t help but notice how amazing Blaine looked on stage, pulling on the energy of the audience, smiling from the pure joy of being allowed to perform. He’d always had an amazing stage presence, but Kurt could see it was even stronger now.

Most of the audience laughed and sang along as Blaine dove into “Hungry Like the Wolf” and Kurt was just glad Cooper wasn’t there to ruin it. Kurt ordered another drink; someone at the table ordered a couple appetizers; Emily got Cameron so flustered even Rachel was standing up for him. Kurt watched Miki sneaking glances at Rachel and wondered if she was trying to figure her out or if she was attracted to her. Kurt soon lost interest in the rest of them when Blaine started singing “What I Like About You.” He was bouncing around to the beat, almost headbanging, his loose curls bouncing around on his head. Kurt was mesmerized. How could someone look like such a dork and be so drop dead sexy at the same time?

Brittany had a few drinks and was reaching her incredibly uninhibited state by the time Blaine went through “Come On Eileen,” “Jessie’s Girl,” and “Free Fallin’.” She dragged Santana up to the stage – clearly surprising Blaine in the process – and they started doing back-up vocals and dancing behind him when he segued into a Robert Palmer song. Rachel leaned over to Kurt and asked if she should join, but he was too lost in his thoughts to really hear her.

This was strongly reminiscent of high school, back when they were all happy and young and naïve, when he and Blaine were still madly in love and their futures looked beautiful and always had each other. He looked around the table, quickly realizing just how relaxed he’d been here tonight, how easily he and Blaine had chatted during dinner and how comfortable he’d been with that. Just like last week, they’d had casual conversations, and just enjoyed being together. Kurt hadn’t felt this comfortable in so long, and that very thought made it hard to breathe. Kurt turned to look at the stage again, and his vision blurred just a little. Sounds around him were slightly garbled, like he’d really have to focus to follow anyone’s conversation. He felt himself heating up and starting to gasp and it finally hit him that he was panicking. The very idea of having a panic attack in front of all these people was enough to trigger one on its own. He glanced down the table toward Lindsey, but she was caught up in conversation with Miki and didn’t see him. “Excuse me,” he barely muttered as he moved past Rachel and headed toward the men’s room.

Once inside – and thankfully it was a rather nice single restroom, so he had some privacy to calm down – He could hear the song winding down through the wall, but the sound was muffled. Running his hands under cool water in the sink helped. His therapist had suggested it as a way of directing his focus away from the panic-inducing thoughts, and between that and taking some slow, deep breaths, he was feeling a little better. He thought about it rationally, and realized that he’d been really comfortable, and that was freaking him out. He hadn’t felt that comfortable since… well, since before he cheated. Since before he broke Blaine’s heart. And of course those thoughts just served to remind him how horrid a person he was. He needed to go home.

Kurt stepped out of the restroom and realized Blaine must be taking a break. The only music he could hear was the generic canned stuff. Just before he turned the corner to head back into the bar and straight out the front door, he heard Santana and it stopped him in his tracks.

“…as well just do a ritual mating dance, fuck and get it over with, Blaine.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I do. I can see, it sweetie. Everyone can see it. You have the moon-eyes happening every time you look at him.”

“So what if I do?” Kurt slowed his breathing, listening very closely. He wasn’t sure who they were talking about. It could have been him, or it could have been Cameron, or the sound guy, or even the waiter. It was really none of Kurt’s business who Blaine was interested in, right?

“Dammit Blaine, do you really have such a low opinion of yourself? Kurt dumped you, no explanation, spent the next two months we lived together barely speaking to me at all, changed his number and refused to give it out, moved away and ignored everyone, and still won’t explain this shit. How can you possibly want him back after that?”

“I just – I don’t have to know why he did it to know it was what he thought was best at the time. He made a mistake. People do that. And if you don’t stop harping on me about my choice to forgive him, I’ll have to consider following his example.”

“So he screws up and you still defend it?”

“Yes. Can we be done now?”

“Fine. I can go take my frustrations out on little miss Cha Cha out there.”

“Don’t be too hard on Emily.” Blaine’s voice was coming closer and Kurt realized he hadn’t thought this plan through. There was no way to hide, nowhere to slip away, no chance to pretend he hadn’t just heard every bit of that conversation. “Kurt!” And there he was, just inches away, looking surprised and worried and… and something else Kurt couldn’t figure out. He opened his mouth again slightly, seeming torn about what to say.

Kurt’s nerves finally got the best of him, and he blurted out the first question in his head. “Why?”

Blaine blinked, confused. “Why what?”

“Why would you tell her off like that? Threaten to move out – shit Blaine, you two have been roommates for what… six years, almost seven? Why would you do that?”

“To make her stop saying shit about you. I’m not going to put up with it forever, so she’ll quit, or she’ll suddenly find it hard to get in touch with me.”

“Blaine, she’s right! I fucked up. Can’t you get that?”

“Yes. I get it. You were wrong, but I’m still not going to let her talk about you like that. I’m not going to let her mindlessly hold a grudge against you, and I’m certainly not going to let her do it and pretend it’s all on my behalf.”

“Why?”

“Because I promised, Kurt. I promised to defend you, even when I know you’re wrong.”


	16. There's No Way to Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.
> 
> Chapter Notes: This came to me kind of scattered, which is why it took two weeks to get it out. I could have split this into two chapters, but I didn’t have the first half of it written early enough to post it. Some of that just got written tonight, in fact.
> 
> Regardless, here’s a nice long chapter for you with lots of stuff going on. I already have a bit of the next chapter ready, so I’m hopeful that I can post it Monday or Tuesday. I promise I’m still trying to get back on the weekly schedule. My life’s just a little explody right now, but it should settle down a teensy bit in November.
> 
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery (aka canarian).
> 
> We have passed the 78,000 word mark and (holy crap) nearly 10k of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 16 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).
> 
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 
> 
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Sixteen: There’s No Way to Know

 

 _Searching for love,_  
Counting steps as we go,   
Our parents they taught us there's no way to know,   
I still hear their voices in the back of my head,   
Saying, "You'll do better than we ever did"   
~The Lucky Ones by Brendan James

 

November 24, 2019

“Because I promised, Kurt. I promised to defend you, even when I know you’re wrong.”

Kurt felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He wanted to cry, wanted to kiss Blaine for being so sweet and romantic, wanted to scream at him for being so stupid, and wanted to crawl under a rock until he could handle his feelings again. “I don’t…”

“It’s okay, Kurt. You don’t have to say anything. I swear, I’m not trying to add any pressure here.”

“Then why would you say that?”

Blaine shrugged, “It’s just who I am, I guess.”

“You should stop it. You deserve better. You deserve so much better.” Kurt’s eyes welled with tears and he moved to push past Blaine. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“Kurt, wait!”

“I can’t, please. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I …” he looked up briefly, letting Blaine know he meant it. “I promise. Tomorrow.”

Blaine fought his urge to comfort Kurt, to hold on to this, to walk him home, anything… instead he just nodded. “Tomorrow. Be safe, Kurt.”

And with a quick nod, Kurt was on his way out and Blaine was left to pretend he was fine for the rest of the evening.

November 25, 2019

Blaine got to the theatre early Monday morning, just in case Kurt wanted to talk before call time. He hoped Kurt wouldn’t wait until tonight because that would make rehearsal really uncomfortable. He went to the dance studio to warm up and try to relax some before rehearsal started at 10:00.

He pushed everything out of his mind but the music and the movement, doing some basic warm up stretches and moving into some improvised dance moves. After a few minutes of that, he stopped to remove some layers and drink some water. He glanced at his phone for the time, and saw that there was a new message

_From Kurt: Nov 25, 7:46am: Any chance you could meet me at the theatre a little early today?_

_To Kurt: Nov 25, 7:51am: Sure. What time and where?_

_From Kurt: Nov 25, 7:52am: Costume Studio, whenever you can get here. I’m already here, having my morning coffee and working on the stage bible._

_To Kurt: Nov 25, 7:52am: Okay, see you soon._

Blaine smiled at his phone and quickly gathered up his things. He started toward the dressing room before remembering he’d left the lights on in the dance studio. He had to run back to turn them off, and took off so fast he nearly slammed into the dressing room door in his haste. He took about two or three minutes to freshen up, glad he’d seen the text after only a few minutes of warm ups. Once he was sure he was presentable and didn’t smell bad, he put his things away in his locker and barely stopped himself from sprinting down the hall to the costume studio. Just as he approached the doorway, he glanced at his phone: 7:59 am.

Blaine peaked around the corner and saw Kurt diligently making notes and adding things to the huge three-ring binder Blaine knew would hold all the script pages, stage directions, lighting cues, and more. Kurt was so caught up in his work that he didn’t see Blaine step into the room, so Blaine gently tapped his knuckles on the door to announce his presence.

“Yes?” Kurt not only didn’t look up, but he turned in his seat and started rummaging through a stack of papers and notebooks behind him.

“You asked me to meet you…” He felt like there was something else he should have said, _\- you have no idea how much I wanted to see you -_ but he couldn’t figure out what it was, at least, nothing that was appropriate right now. - _I remember the way you shivered when I licked along the curve of your ear -_ He wasn’t sure where they stood since last night, _\- sometimes I worry that I’ve lost myself in you -_ and he felt it would be the wrong time to be so blunt with Kurt. _\- and then I remember that I found myself there first –_

Kurt spun around quickly, and by the time Blaine was finished with his neurotic internal monologue, the stack of paperwork toppled over in Kurt’s wake and scattered all over the floor; Kurt was gaping at him. “How, but…” Kurt looked at the clock and his eyes widened. “It hasn’t even been ten minutes?”

“I was in the dance studio when you texted.” Blaine shrugged as he crossed the room. “Let me help you with that.”

“No, it’s okay, I…” Kurt started to protest — and he knew Blaine could see his hands shaking with nerves — but Blaine shook his head and just started picking things up.

“Is there a certain order to this? I can help you sort things if you want.”

“Not really. Just, we can just stack it back up there and I’ll deal with it later.” He seemed intent on stacking the papers together, lining the notebooks up straight, picking at invisible bits of nothing on the floor, anything to avoid looking at Blaine. In response, Blaine kept quiet, simply handing Kurt the couple stacks of things he’d gathered and waiting patiently. Once everything was picked up, Blaine stood and took a couple steps back, watching while Kurt placed everything back on the shelf it came from. Kurt straightened it one last time before turning back to Blaine, “Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting you that quickly, but I’m glad you’re here.”

They traded tentative smiles and Kurt motioned to the extra chair nearby as he sat back down. “Have a seat, if you’d like.”

“Thanks.” _Just let Kurt stay in control._ He knew that would help with Kurt’s nerves, and that would be the only way they could have further conversations, the only way they could take the necessary steps to be… anything, really, again.

“So, last night…”

“Yeah?” He thought about trying to explain, but no, he’d explained it last night. If Kurt still had questions, he could ask them directly. Blaine had decided to handle things with Kurt in a simple manner. He’d answer whatever questions Kurt had, and he’d answer them as simply and truthfully as possible, but he would try not to elaborate, because that might lead to sharing things Kurt wasn’t ready to hear. He worried that just answering the questions had already caused trouble, but all he could do was wait for Kurt to continue.

“I’m sorry I ran off like that. I just... I sometimes… I mean, I guess I needed to let it sink in before I could try to talk about it.”

Blaine didn’t miss the nervous body language or the way Kurt was slightly subdued. He wished, not for the first time, that he could somehow read minds – actually not all minds, just Kurt’s, and only when he really wanted or needed to because otherwise it would be too much, and it would probably need to be something Kurt could have some control over too, or it would be too invasive and a privacy issue – and suddenly Blaine realized he was lost in the complications of superpowers and forced himself back to the conversation he was supposed to be having.

“I’m sorry, let what sink in?”

Kurt sighed. “Everything.” He looked at Blaine, moved one hand like he wanted to reach out. Blaine almost reached out, too, but Kurt pulled back, so Blaine held himself still. “I guess, at that moment, it was too overwhelming to talk to you and also try to process what your actions mean. What they might mean to you, what they do mean to me, what they could mean to me… if I let them.” His voice trailed off at the end, but Blaine was pretty sure he heard it correctly.

“Can I help with any of that?”

“Not yet.” Kurt had shifted slightly, like he was bracing himself for something, for… for anger? For conflict? For rejection? Blaine didn’t know, but it hurt to see Kurt like this. He’d been that way when they first met, but then he got more and more confident in just being exactly himself – and now… now it seemed like he was just constantly waiting for someone to reprimand him for it, waiting for _Blaine_ to reprimand him for it.

“Okay.” He tried to keep his tone as light as possible, to avoid making it seem like there was any pressure. Kurt was still gazing at his lap, twisting his fingers together the way he always did when he was upset.

“It’s just, I don’t think I’m ready to hear what it means to you, and you can’t answer the other questions. I need to figure some things out on my own. I…” Kurt looked up, his eyes shining a brilliant almost teal color, and shimmering with unshed tears. Blaine couldn’t help himself this time; he reached out and put a hand on Kurt’s arm, squeezing gently around the soft sleeve of his sweater as he held Kurt’s gaze and willed him to continue. “I’m trying to be responsible about things. I thought I was doing okay, but since your audition, it seems like every day is another reminder of just how much I need to fix, and right now… right now I just need to know we’re friends and that it’s okay we’re friends. Anything else, any other feelings or wants that you might or might not have, I c-can’t handle them right now. I’d have completely the wrong reaction to any meaning you had last night, and it would be better for our friendship if we j-just left that… in last night.”

Blaine watched as Kurt’s right eye overflowed and the tear started running from the middle of his eye. He leaned forward, and with the thumb of his free hand, wiped the tear away, his other fingertips lightly brushing Kurt’s cheek and temple. He sighed, reminding himself that Kurt needed to take the lead here. He let go and leaned back in his chair, nodding once. “Okay.”

And then Kurt started crying more.

And Blaine freaked out.

What was wrong? Was that the wrong answer? What if it seemed too casual or standoffish? He didn’t want Kurt to think…

“Oh, god, did I say the wrong thing? Are you upset because I agreed? It’s not because I don’t care, you know? I want to know things. I want to talk about all of these things. I want to know everything about you again and laugh together and watch The Voice together so we can talk about Adam’s hotness and Christina’s skanky clothes. I want to get coffee with you in the mornings and chat on our way to the theatre. I’m not trying to brush you off, I swear. I thought you wanted…”

“Blaine!” Kurt was smiling. Still crying, a little, too, but also smiling. “Thank you. I did want that. And I… I would like those other things, too.” He blushed a little and glanced away at that. “I just, I wasn’t expecting you to listen to me so quickly, I guess.”

“Kurt, you’ve always known what you needed better than most anyone, so why should I second guess you now?” Apparently it was never clear to Kurt just how much Blaine looked up to him.

“But I haven’t. Because I’m finally realizing that I haven’t known what I needed for a long time. I’m starting to learn now, though.”

“Well, if there’s anything I can do to help… I mean, I don’t know what kind of… what you’re doing or need or… I don’t know, but if I can help somehow, that’s what friends are for, right?” He couldn’t believe how much stumbling he was doing, but as he spoke he realized that he wasn’t sure what Kurt was doing to figure things out or work on his issues, but he hoped it was going to help. It was so hard to see Kurt upset and not be able to help, not be the one he could turn to.

 

November 29, 2019

_To: Dr. Thompson G. Vundrick_

_Thanks for letting me email you between appointments. I never really thought I’d need to, but this holiday was tough on me. I had a nice Skype visit with my family, and we’ve got plans for them to visit at Christmas, but then last night was the big cast Thanksgiving, with a potluck dinner._

_Potluck. Thanksgiving. You bring traditional Thanksgiving foods, right? And with potlucks it’s expected that it’ll be simple food. A second-rate theatre potluck isn’t likely to include smoked salmon and caviar.  It’s no different with desserts. You bring pumpkin pie, or maybe cobbler if you’re from the south. Blaine? He brought cookies. He brought soft pumpkin oatmeal cookies with a cinnamon glaze! And he had a container of them separate and pulled me aside to say “these are for you” in that sweet and earnest way of his._

_Remember how I told you last week about the promising to defend me thing? When he made that promise, (god I can still hear it like it was yesterday) he also promised other things. One of those things was that he’d bake me cookies at least twice a year, and I guess now he’s trying to make up for lost time. It’s very sweet, but I don’t know how to react. All those promises – I just, I can’t let myself hope he still means all of it, but I can’t bear the thought that he doesn’t._

_Sincerely,_

_Kurt Hummel_

_PS – Blaine’s being nostalgic, and that’s another thing that confuses me. It’s hard to share happy memories without letting him in too much._

 

November 28, 2019

“Happy Thanksgiving, Kurt!” Blaine smiled as he plopped down next to Kurt. All the prop furniture had been brought out to the stage so people could lounge around as if it were someone’s living room. The sofa was certainly big enough for at least three people, probably four, but Blaine somehow made it feel much smaller. He was lounging at an angle, knee just brushing Kurt’s with the calf of that leg resting in front of Kurt’s. Kurt was trying to tell himself not to follow the line of that leg, not to look at Blaine’s hips… and Emily’s voice drifted toward him from across the seating area.

“So he sneaks back upstairs ‘cause we was gonna get busy, you know,” Emily had been trying to capture control of the conversation all evening. Kurt just closed his eyes for a minute and shook his head.

“I’m not even sure why she’s here,” he said quietly as he turned to Blaine. “I mean, she’s from Brooklyn. You’d think she’d have some family nearby.”

“Oh, she covered that earlier. Her mother told her to get her ‘tramp ass’ out because apparently the guy she’d been flirting with was actually her cousin.”

“You’re kidding me!” Kurt’s eyes went wide and he lowered his voice to keep from being overheard.

Blaine took the hint and sat up straighter, leaning toward Kurt as he spoke, “The girl said it herself, you decide whether to believe it.”

Emily’s voice rang out again, interrupting their conversation.

“An so my parents are sitting there on each side of me, and Daddy’s staring at the bed like he’s nervous or something, but what they don’t know is we were just making out, and my boyfriend is hiding half naked in my closet while they decide this is the time to give me the talk about sex and how I’m not supposed to be thinking about it yet, but when I’m _grown_ I should know.” Her emphasis made it clear she felt she was already grown at that point. Kurt glanced at Blaine, thinking back to when they’d been younger, when they’d thought they were grown and knew what they were doing. He’d been so sure, so sure about Blaine, about them, about the future. He’d never imagined there’d be a time they weren’t together.

And then it came, and it was all his fault. He could never take that back, could never undo what he’d done, and he’d had to rethink his life, retrain his brain to not see Blaine as an integral part of his future. He thought he’d done that, and now Blaine was here, undoing all those protective barriers, pushing through with his high energy and his smiles and his damned cookies. Kurt took a slow breath and let himself just relax and enjoy the moment for exactly what it was – an evening with friends and co-workers, a moment sitting next to an old friend.

As Kurt let out his breath slowly, he took a sip of water from the glass on the makeshift end table, and if his gaze lingered a little long on that container of homemade cookies, it was just because he was bored, of course. He looked around, letting himself pay more attention to the conversation around him. There were a dozen or more people sitting around this makeshift family room, some of whom he’d known for years. Lindsey and her roommate Dean were talking, and when Kurt finally registered their words, he wondered if he’d lost his mind.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Lindsey, but did you just say you and Dean dated?”

“Yeah, for, what was it…” she turned to Dean who scratched at his beard a bit and shrugged. “About eight months?” She looked up at the catwalk and muttered to herself “October, November, Dec…” she nodded and turned back to them. “Yeah, eight months. Why?”

“I just…” Kurt shook his head slowly looking back and forth from Lindsey to Dean, “never would have guessed it. I mean, for one thing, I’ve never known you to show interest in anyone with a cock before.”

Still next to Kurt on the sofa, Blaine felt his own cock twitch at the sound of the word coming from Kurt’s mouth. He didn’t remember if Kurt had ever said that out loud before – at least not in front of him – and he wouldn’t have imagined it would affect him quite so much.

“I’ll have you know, I don’t fall _all_ the way at the gay end of the scale, thank you very much!”

“Okay okay, that’s just fine!” Kurt raised his hands in mock defense. “It’s just I… I thought my gaydar was better…” He tried not to glance at Dean. He really didn’t mean to make such comments aloud, and he hoped he wasn’t causing a problem here.

“No problem at all,” Dean said with a smile. “And for the record, you were right.”

“Oh.” He paused, then thought about it. “Oh?” The question was clear.

“Well, since we’re all telling our embarrassing teen sex stories. Lindsey and I went to college together. We started dating our first semester there. But you’re right. I am gay. You were also right about Lindsey not being interested in cock. See, I don’t have a built-in model.” Dean winked, and Blaine couldn’t tell which of them he was winking at, which unnerved him more than he’d like to admit. He felt his eyebrows go up as the news sank in though.

“You’re trans?” Blaine thought back to Unique in his senior year, and while he’d never known where she stood on the trans scale, he’d learned enough from her to know there was one. He hadn’t, however, expected a guy born in a girl’s body to be quite _that_ much a guy.

“Yeah. I started transition a couple months after we started dating. We both realized about six months later that I was becoming too much of a guy for her primary interests, and as my body and hormones changed, my orientation didn’t, so I was still gay, but then only attracted to guys.”

“Wow, that had to be really hard to deal with, especially right after going to college.” Miki leaned forward, expressing more interest in the conversation. “Did your family support you?”

“My mother is very supportive. My father still calls me Donna.” Dean looked down at that, and Blaine thought about his own father and how he still kept trying to introduce Blaine to some “nice girls” even after a dozen or more years. He just nodded his understanding, even though no one seemed to be looking.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said. “I didn’t mean to stir things up, or be nosy or something, I just… I mean…”

“It’s okay,” Dean smiled. “I don’t mind answering polite questions, which those were. It’s the only way people learn.” He glanced around the room at the suddenly somber mood. “Though I think we need to bring some joy back to this party. I’m getting another of those delicious pumpkin cookies. Who else has an embarrassing story to share?”

Lindsey smiled. “Well, did I ever tell you what mom said when we moved in together last year?”

“No?”

“Oh it was great. She started freaking out because I was gonna live with ‘some strange guy,’ so I explained that it was you, you know? Not that it makes you any less strange, but at least not ‘a stranger,’ right?” Dean nodded, as did a couple other people who were aptly listening to the story. “So I tell her you’re on meds and you’re actually a guy and stuff, and she was amazingly understanding and accepting of it, which really should have clued me in off the bat.” Lindsey turns toward the rest of the group to add in a stage whisper, “My mother’s not really up on this stuff, so I should have expected her to take longer to adjust.”

Kurt chuckled along with everyone else and felt the vibrations of Blaine’s laughter next to him.

“And then she starts talking about how she just knew it would all work out and she’s so happy I’m finally settling down and that’s when it hits me – she thinks I’m actually dating. I still think she’s hoping we’ll end up together, but I just keep telling her ‘Mom, aside from the fact that I pretty exclusively like girls, Dean likes dick and I don’t have one.’ I figure one day it might sink in?”

Cameron looked a little bit scandalized and Blaine had to wonder just how sheltered a life had he lived and how was he going to survive in this business if he could get embarrassed that easily? Blaine gazed around the room, only halfway listening as Rachel talked about seeing her dads in the shower when she was twelve and being so thankful he’d never walked in on his parents. Just the thought made him shudder.

“You okay?” Kurt leaned over and asked quietly.

“Yeah, just – walking in on your parents… ugh.” He was careful to keep his voice low, so he wouldn’t interrupt the flow of conversation, plus it gave him the opportunity to lean closer to Kurt and he certainly couldn’t complain about that.

“Ooh, yeah, I’ll agree.”

Blaine smiled at that, and then let himself get lost in thought again. He watched the way Miki looked at Lindsey while Santana shared the lighter bits of her coming out story. He raised an eyebrow at the way Rachel seemed to be flirting with Dean. That was unexpected, and distracted him enough that he didn’t hear Sara and her husband Ned (who also did lights and sound for the theatre) start talking about their awkward first time together as high school sweethearts.

“I suddenly wasn’t nervous anymore.” He looked up at Ned, surprised to hear a straight guy admit to being nervous about it, and then mentally berating himself for making such stereotypical assumptions. He’d been nervous – that first time with Kurt, god he’d been so damned nervous, all the way up until they go partly undressed and laid on the bed together. He’d finally had Kurt out of the layers and they were just relaxed and alone and in love, and there was nothing to be nervous about because it was Kurt.

Sara took over the story for a moment, interjecting, “It was just before graduation and we’d already been together almost a year. We were both going to the same college that fall.”

Ned smiled, looking at Sara adoringly. “I already knew I’d be spending the rest of my life with her.” All the women in the room “awwwed” appropriately, but Blaine just held his breath, trying not to think of that first beautiful time with Kurt, and every glorious moment of intimacy they’d ever shared after, trying not to think of the sound of Kurt’s breathing beside him and how he could hear it speed up; trying so very desperately not to think of the look in Kurt’s eyes that first time he’d entered Blaine, and the awe and wonder and love he’d seen there – the trust they had for each other to let each other that close. More than anything, though, he tried not to think about whether or not Kurt had ever shared that kind of intimacy with anyone else.

Sara was unknowingly addressing very similar thoughts just then. “I always say we’re like the real life Lily and Marshall from ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ It’s not many people who meet their best friend and soul mate that young, and I can’t get over how lucky I was.” She and Ned shared a goofy, love-struck smile and a sweet kiss — while everyone “awwwed” again — before shifting into gentle laughter. Kurt and Blaine were both laughing too, though Blaine knew his was a little forced. They glanced at each other briefly, and he was sure he hadn’t imagined the mixed emotions he saw in Kurt’s eyes. Longing, nostalgia, regret. He wanted to replace those with love, joy, and hope. They both quickly looked away, trying not to let the moment get too heavy.

Kurt was lost in his own thoughts, too, thoughts of new love with a high school sweetheart who happened to also be your best friend. He thought about those first extremely heady moments when Blaine was fumbling to confess his feelings and finally just gave in and kissed him. He thought about those first few days when all he could think about was Blaine and kissing Blaine and hugging Blaine and looking at Blaine and oh my god Blaine was really his boyfriend! He didn’t even realize he was laughing to himself until Rachel said something about it.

“Oh, I was just thinking about my own similar stories.” He kind of hoped she’d leave it at that. He didn’t want to make a fuss by refusing to share his stories, but he wasn’t sure how much he could share, even though his therapist said he was making quick progress. Of course, even if Rachel hadn’t asked, someone else would have.

“Ohhhh? Stories of…” Rachel glanced at Blaine and back at Kurt “a first boyfriend or an embarrassing moment with naked parents?”

“Ahh! Oh god, Rachel, how could you? Jesus, I’m going to have to mention that to Finn because he’s the only other person who can share this pain.” Kurt pulled out his phone to text Finn as he continued to speak. “No, I was thinking of that first love, the high school sweetheart.”

“In general? Or yours?” Miki asked with a curious and slightly mischievous smile.

“Both,” Kurt replied with a grin. He was feeling much calmer about this than he would have suspected. He briefly wondered if something he’d had was spiked because he felt much more relaxed than usual. “I, uh,” he glanced at Blaine with a questioning look and nearly laughed at the look of surprise he saw there. Blaine nodded ever so slightly, his eyes wide and blinking slowly. That reaction made Kurt a little nervous, like this was a bigger deal than he’d realized or something, and he very nearly pulled back into his shell. But no, talking about it made it easier. He’d already seen and felt proof of that. The more he could talk about it, the more he could work past it (or at least desensitize himself to it).

Yes, he could do this, and Blaine was okay with it. “Blaine and I were high school sweethearts. And when you’re sitting right next to him and someone’s talking about first loves, it’s hard not to think about it a little.” He smiled at the group, and only Blaine and Rachel really knew him well enough to see his nervousness underneath. Okay, Santana and Brittany might have known, too.

Thankfully, just as he started to worry that he was stepping into scary territory, Rachel spoke up. “Yes, but even though we were some of his best friends, he didn’t tell us right away!” She gave him a mocking glare and then kept telling the story for him. “See, Kurt transferred schools for a little while, and ended up in show choir with Blaine. Our schools competed against each other, and it was only because we saw them giving each other these big goofy grins at Regionals that we started asking questions and Kurt finally admitted it!”

Kurt couldn’t hide the smile on his face at those memories.

 

March 14, 2011

Regionals had been nerve-wracking, and Kurt couldn’t help feeling bad that the Warblers lost, even though he wanted to be happy for his old friends in New Directions. It was nice to see them, and he was glad for the few moments he’d had to say hello and exchange hugs before Thad reminded him it was time to leave. He’d thought about sharing his news, but he hadn’t figured out how to bring it up in the short time he’d had with them.

_From Mercedes: Mar 14, 10:23pm: Okay, I’ve been waiting, but you’re obviously not going to share voluntarily, so now I’m asking. What’s up? You were practically glowing at Regionals tonight, and I don’t think it was just because you had a solo part._

And just like that, it was going to come out, and Kurt couldn’t hold back the goofy lovesick smile as he replied to her text.

_To Mercedes: Mar 14, 10:25pm: Oh, that must be the effect of having a boyfriend!_

_From Mercedes: Mar 14, 10:26pm: I knew it! Tell all, baby. Tell ALL._

November 28, 2019

Everyone was chuckling, and Blaine suddenly seemed much closer and Kurt’s heart was beating much faster. How could he be having such a casual conversation about this? This was too friendly, too much. He could tell Rachel, Santana, and Brittany were still talking about the early days of his relationship with Blaine, and he suddenly wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. They didn’t know. They didn’t understand that he had ruined everything, that he’d screwed it all up and it was all his fault that he and Blaine weren’t another set of high school sweethearts that had been together forever. He was fidgeting with his scarf, trying to breathe, trying to convince himself that he would be fine, trying to keep himself from jumping up and running out of the room, out of the building and all the way back to the safety of his tiny apartment.

Then he felt Blaine’s hand on his arm, and it was like someone let the oxygen back into the room. And he hadn’t even realized it was gone until it came back. He could breathe again, before he’d consciously realized he wasn’t really breathing. Kurt took a few slow, deep breaths, giving into that comfort that was sometimes so easy with Blaine, and he listened in silent wonder as Blaine started talking.

“And it was the next weekend when he decided to tell his dad, but he didn’t want to just tell him. No, Kurt decided I needed to be there with him. He was always so much more confident about things than I was.” Kurt raised his eyebrow at that, but didn’t say anything because Blaine was lost in his story now, and all Kurt could do was listen.

 

March 18, 2011

“I have to admit I’m a little nervous about this, Kurt.” Blaine fidgeted with the seatbelt and gave Kurt a worried smile as Kurt turned into a suburban neighborhood. He knew they were almost at Kurt’s and he couldn’t hold in his nerves any longer.

“You have nothing to worry about. My dad is pretty cool.”

“Did we have to do the meeting the parents thing after less than a week, though?” He tried to keep his tone teasing, so Kurt would know he wasn’t really upset about it.

“You’ve already met him…” Kurt trailed off, no doubt thinking about the morning after Rachel’s party. Blaine, however, was thinking of the second time he met Burt Hummel. He couldn’t tell Kurt about it, though, and he sincerely hoped Mr. Hummel wouldn’t either. “I mean, I know it wasn’t for long, but you did meet.”

“Barely, and I’m sure that wasn’t a very good first impression.”

“Well, I know he’ll want to meet you again after he knows we’re dating, and it just seemed easiest to do both at once. I can’t keep it from him anymore. After I told a couple friends and Finn found out, I had to promise him I’d tell Dad tonight. He kind of sucks at keeping secrets.” Kurt smiled. Blaine knew Kurt was new to having a brother, but they seemed to have adjusted well.

Blaine took a deep breath to help calm himself. “So, how much lon…” he looked up as the car slowed and Kurt pulled into a driveway. “Nevermind. I guess this is it.”

“Hey,” Kurt grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. “You’ll be fine. He’ll love you.”

Blaine couldn’t help but smile, not only grateful for Kurt’s support and reassurance, but secretly thinking of how adorable that faint blush was when Kurt said the word ‘love.’ They were barely dating. It was hardly even a thought at this point, but that he used it, that he said his father would love Blaine, somehow that made Kurt blush, which only made Blaine wonder what he was thinking at the time. He doubted he’d ever find out. He squeezed Kurt’s hand back and smiled.

“Thanks.”

\--

He wiped his shoes on the welcome mat out of habit before following Kurt into the house. Once inside, Blaine felt immediately at home. He was still a little nervous about Mr. Hummel’s reaction to Kurt’s announcement, but there was just something about the atmosphere that made the place feel comfortable.

“Come on in, Blaine. You can take off your coat and things and there are empty hangers in the closet.” Kurt was removing his things as he spoke, carefully arranging the scarf around the collar of his coat. Blaine couldn’t help but watch as Kurt went about these most natural, subconscious actions. He could learn so much about Kurt this way, but mostly it just made him seem more adorable and amazing. He didn’t hear Mr. Hummel coming up behind him.

“Hey kiddo! Welcome home. Carole said you had a friend staying for the weekend? Who’ve we got here?” Blaine felt the hand that landed on his shoulder and thought ‘here we go’ as he turned around and smiled at his boyfriend’s father.

“Hello, Mr. Hummel. It’s nice to see you again.” Much to his delight, Mr. Hummel smiled back and shook his hand.

“Dad, you remember Blaine; he stayed over after Rachel’s party last month?”

“Oh sure, I remember him, buddy. Doesn’t seem like it was a whole month ago since we saw each other, though, does it?” he smiled a little and Blaine couldn’t decide if he was more worried or really comfortable. He just smiled back and nodded.

“Come on into the kitchen. Carole’s got me chopping vegetables for the salad. You guys need something to drink?”

Blaine was looking around the house as he followed Mr. Hummel and Kurt into the kitchen with the attached dining area. Finn, whom Blaine had seen but not officially met at Regionals, was putting the last of the silverware on the mostly set table. He did stop for a moment and give Kurt a very pointed look before nodding cordially at Blaine. Kurt’s step-mother — _oh god, I don’t know if she changed her name to Hummel, she was at work the last time I was here, I’ve never met her,  what do I call her? —_ was moving food into serving bowls and platters. Mr. Hummel went back to the cutting board and began slicing cucumbers.

“Carole this is Blaine,” Kurt said. Carole, both hands full, just nodded and smiled at Blaine.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. …” He glanced at Kurt, hoping for help, but Kurt didn’t get a chance to respond.

“Hummel, but please, all Kurt’s friends call me Carole.”

Blaine nodded and smiled at her, “Carole.”

She spooned the last of the roasted potatoes into a serving dish and handed it to Blaine. “Would you put this on the table please?”

Blaine, grateful for something to do besides stand around nervously, waiting for Mr. Hummel to kill him for daring to date Kurt after suggesting a sex talk, took the bowl and happily walked into the dining room with it, only realizing after he got there that Finn was still hanging around the table shooting odd looks at both him and Kurt from time to time. He felt his shoulders tense up when Finn turned and looked down at him. _He’s just so tall._

“So, you guys, uh, been doing okay since Regionals?”

“Yeah, great. I mean, some of the Warblers are really bummed that we’re not going to Nationals, especially the Seniors since it was their last chance, but mostly it’s been a good week.” He couldn’t help the smile, and felt the back of his neck warm a little. Yeah, he was totally thinking about how good a week he’d had making out with Kurt in the evenings and catching quick moments between classes. But he didn’t want to share that with the rest of the family. Thankfully, the rest of the family came in with food just then and Blaine managed to get his thoughts sorted out while everyone sat down.

He welcomed the casual table chat of “pass the rolls,” and “the chicken smells delicious” and “Finn, get some asparagus, too.” It gave him a few minutes to relax and get to know the rhythm of Kurt’s family. They were very friendly, much more casual and affectionate than his parents, more genuine than his brother. He liked them, which almost made him more nervous because it gave him more reason to want them to like him.

Just as they all settled into actually eating, Blaine coughed quietly to cover up his gasp when Kurt’s hand came to rest on his knee. Sure, no one could see it under the table, but Blaine hadn’t expected it. He knew immediately what it meant, though. Laying his fork down, his first bite of potato still stuck to the end of it, he looked up at Kurt and gave a very slight nod to say _I’m ready_. He even meant it! At least, in the sense of being as ready as he could possibly be when announcing their relationship to his first boyfriend’s father.

“So, Dad, there was a reason I wanted Blaine to come spend the weekend.”

“Yeah? You got another performance to rehearse for?”

“No, actually I wanted to spend the extra time with him, and give you guys a chance to get to know him because he’s my boyfriend.” Blaine was so proud of how smoothly Kurt said that, and he kind of wanted to tell Kurt how completely adorable he thought it was that Kurt’s voice went up a little at the end, the lilt he always heard when Kurt called him ‘boyfriend.’

Blaine smiled and glanced around the table as he rested his hand over Kurt’s and gave him a reassuring squeeze, though who, exactly, he was trying to reassure was still open for debate.  Finn paused a moment, chicken leg halfway to his mouth, and then shrugged and took a bite. He did seem a little relieved to no longer have a secret. Mrs. Hum- Carole – looked happy but not surprised, which convinced Blaine he couldn’t hide his feelings if he had to. Mr. Hummel stopped in the middle of adding pepper to everything on his plate to look back and forth from Kurt to Blaine a couple times before he raised his eyebrows at Blaine. He could almost hear Mr. Hummel’s thoughts, questioning whether this news was related to Blaine’s suggestion for a sex talk, but he just smiled his most polite smile and glanced at the table.

“So how long has this been going on?”

Blaine was relieved to hear that Mr. Hummel didn’t immediately _sound_ angry, though the way he was gesturing with his knife was a little unnerving.

“Since last weekend, when I stayed at school to prepare for Regionals. I – I wanted to tell you in person, but Finn already knew because Mercedes asked me about it. I think she kind of guessed when she saw us talking and standing together and stuff backstage.”

“So Blaine,” and it was hard to miss that tone. Mr. Hummel was going to put a lot of weight into whatever happened next. “Tell me, if you two’ve been friends since, what, November, right?” he glanced at Kurt and got a nod. “Why are you…” he waved his fork between them for a second and Blaine was a little worried at what ideas might come out, “boyfriends now. What brought you two together now?”

“Daaaad…”

“No, Kurt, it’s okay. I u-understand why he’d need to ask this stuff.” He gave Mr. Hummel a grateful look. He knew this was his chance to keep from being embarrassed. He’d probably tell Kurt someday that he’d been the push his Dad needed to give him the sex talk, but this early in their relationship, it would just make things awkward. For now, though, he had to concentrate on Mr. Hummel, and how to explain to him that this just happened. He glanced at Kurt again, saw the affection in those familiar eyes and it all got easier.

“Mr. Hummel, last week, I had a moment about Kurt, where I saw him in truth. And I finally saw all of the wonderful things that … well, I probably don’t need to list for you. When I confessed my feelings, I was just thankful that he returned them. B-but I only knew I felt that way the evening before I told him, though. I swear. I just… I didn’t have a best friend before I met Kurt, and we just… clicked. We have so much fun together, but we can really talk to each other, too, you know? I already knew that Kurt was probably the smartest, most interesting, most honest and wonderful person I’d ever met. And then last week, I realized he’s not just my best friend. He’s the first person I’d turn to if I needed support, the only person. He’s also the one person I believe I will always trust. He’s the only one who’s not afraid to stand up to me and tell me when I’m doing something wrong. He’s the best at making me ask myself why I do things. He…”

Blaine turned to look at Kurt, still directing his words toward Mr. Hummel, but focusing all the meaning on Kurt.  He could feel the goofy love-sick expression spreading as he spoke. “He feels so much, so deeply, about so many things, and it’s kind of contagious, at least it is to me, and it makes me feel more, and feel deeper, and I like that. I like that he makes me think. And then, I thought, well, if he’s all that, and I think he’s attractive too,” he added a joking tone to try and lighten up the insane ramblings of his. “…because I always have thought he was decent enough in the looks department.” He got an elbow in the ribs for that, but he didn’t miss that Kurt was both smiling and tearing up. Blaine smiled back and turned to look back at Mr. Hummel, head held high. “I just felt like, like I’d be stupid to let go of that, so I was really hoping he’d feel the same way.”

Blaine felt Kurt squeeze his hand again under the table, and he could hear the slightest of sniffles, but he held Mr. Hummel’s gaze, waiting to see what would come next.

“All right, then,” Mr. Hummel nodded at Blaine and turned his attention to Kurt. “I guess it’s time we set some rules for you.” He looked down the table at Finn who was buttering what Blaine thought was probably his third dinner roll. “You too, Finn.”

“What do I have to do with this?”

“I’m just thinking, if Kurt’s going to be allowed to have his boyfriend spend the night, you might want that option for your girlfriend if her parents are okay with it.”

Blaine knew his eyebrows were stretching towards his hairline at this. He heard Kurt take in a deep breath and Finn looked really uncomfortable.

“So that means there’s going to be some rules for you across the board. Blaine, these apply to you, too, so listen up.” All three boys waited raptly, and Blaine honestly had no idea what to expect of it.

“Finn, we’ll need to cover these with Quinn when the time comes. Now, the guest will always sleep in the guest room and Kurt and Finn will always sleep in their own rooms. We trust you both, but if you give us any reason not to, that will be the end of this. You will always ask permission first, and we expect everyone to behave responsibly during these visits.” He traded silent communication with Carole and turned back to the boys. “We’ll have some individual chats with you two,” he indicated Kurt and Finn, “later on, but for now, I think that covers it. Blaine, I hope you enjoy your visit. It’ll be nice to learn some more about you.”

“Thank you, Dad.” Kurt’s relieved smile was so nice to see, and it helped Blaine relax too.

“Yes, thank you, Mr. Hummel.”

“Burt.” It was quiet, and Blaine wasn’t completely sure he’d heard it correctly, until Mr. Hummel continued speaking. “Call me Burt, kiddo.”

 

November 28, 2019

“And he said ‘Call me Burt, kiddo,’ and that’s when I knew he was okay with me dating his son and wasn’t going to kill me for suggesting that sex talk.”

Blaine was trying not to get lost in the emotions welling up inside him, and he was just sure everyone in the room could feel the tension that was building between him — and Kurt and he couldn’t even tell if it was good tension or bad tension because he was such a basket case. And then Kurt started laughing.

Okay, Blaine hadn’t expected that, but he supposed it could have been worse. He risked a glance at Kurt and was relieved to see that Kurt honestly looked amused and not at all sad or upset. For just the tiniest of moments, it felt like they were still together.

“What’s so funny?”

“I just… I never knew it was because of you. You never told me.” Kurt smiled, looking at him in something like fond wonder.

“He never told you what?” Lindsey asked impatiently when Blaine didn’t respond quickly enough.

“That he’s the reason.” Kurt held Blaine’s gaze just another moment before turning to answer Lindsey directly. “He’s the reason my father came to me when he did, with pamphlets and a sex talk. It wasn’t the ‘where babies come from’ kind, because god, I knew that by then… but my dad,” and here he paused and his smile turned very affectionate. Blaine knew he was thinking about how amazing his dad was. “My dad got info specifically about the mechanics and safety details of gay sex, and then he kind of bumbled over how that should give me the details I’d need…”

Blaine laughed at that, imagining Burt with his slightly gruff ways trying to have a talk like that with Kurt, especially as shy as Kurt was at that age. He tried not to wonder if Kurt still had any of that shyness.

“I’m glad he didn’t kill me for it later. I just knew he’d think it was my dastardly plan all along.” Everyone laughed at that, and when the laughter died down, Blaine asked, “What else did he say in the sex talk?”

“He said I matter. Not to throw myself around because…” he took in a shaky breath, and Blaine could tell he was feeling very emotional. “Because I m-matter.”

Blaine reached over, squeezed Kurt’s forearm firmly, and whispered in his ear, “He was right. You do matter.”


	17. When You're Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Notes: Real life took over for a bit, but I'm catching up to my already written stuff now, so I shouldn't miss a Monday again (fingers crossed). Many many thanks for hanging in there with me.  
> The next chapter's shaping up to be a doozy - just so you know. :)
> 
>  
> 
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.  
> We have passed the 81,000 word mark and (holy crap) nearly 10k of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 17 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.   
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG
> 
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

 

The Lucky Ones - Chapter 17: When You’re Lost

 _When your world is crumbling down_  
I can make it better  
When you’re lost, need to be found  
I will look forever  
~The Lucky Ones by Kerli

November 28, 2019

_“He said I matter. Not to throw myself around because…” he took in a shaky breath, and Blaine could tell he was feeling very emotional. “Because I m-matter.”_

_Blaine reached over, squeezed Kurt’s forearm firmly, and whispered in his ear, “He was right. You do matter.”_

Lindsey watched the exchange quietly, knowing the whole story that she didn’t think Blaine knew. She saw the twitch in Kurt’s hand, caught the way his eyes started darting around quickly. Shit. Looking around, Lindsey considered possible ways she could help divert attention from Kurt or create a cover for whatever people saw of his impending panic. She could tell Kurt had been close to his dad, perfect! She moved quickly across the stage, talking as she went, hoping it would be obvious enough for Kurt to play along.

“Awwww, getting all homesick for Ohio? You and your dad must be really close, and you didn’t even get to go visit for Thanksgiving. Come here, sweetie,” and with that she pulled a slightly surprised Kurt to his feet and wrapped him up in a tight hug. He stiffened slightly in her arms, so she rubbed his back slightly and whispered to him. “It’s okay. I could see you starting to panic a little. I thought maybe this would help derail it, or at least give you an excuse to leave and have a moment alone.”

And then he relaxed just a little. His arms tightened around her some, but she felt the actual muscles in his back loosen. “Thank you. You’re a lifesaver. I just – I need a few minutes, and I need my meds. Can you just make an excuse for me if I cut out of here right now?”

“Of course sweetie. You just text me if you need me to come find you, okay?”

Kurt pulled back from the hug and nodded, lips tight together to try and keep from crying. He blinked a couple times and moved past her, barely registering that she was telling everyone he was going to call his parents for a few minutes.

He went down to his costume studio and closed the door behind him, not even bothering to flip the light switch. Grateful for the solitude, Kurt went straight to his desk, got the anxiety medication from his bag, and swallowed it with a quick sip of water. Checking again to see that the door was completely closed, he took advantage of the darkness and allowed himself to give in to the comforting instincts. He crossed his legs underneath him in one corner of the couch, grabbing a throw pillow to clutch in his lap. Holding on to something seemed to keep him more stable emotionally. Kurt didn’t think he’d ever understand this stuff, but as long as he could learn to deal with it, that’s all that mattered.

He tucked his head into the pillow and let out a long, slow breath. He knew exactly what the problem was tonight. All that talk of people’s first loves, first sex, he had all that with Blaine. He and Blaine could have been Sara and Ned if he hadn’t screwed it up. They could have had it all. He let out a half smile at his silent reference to Adele’s old hit, and then shifted directly into the tears he’d been fighting all this time.

Kurt thought back to that speech again, _because you matter,_ and tried to focus on his breathing. _Just breathe, just breathe, it’s too much I don’t know how to, no breathe, not my fault, I did this, I have to face this._ He closed his eyes and counted the breaths. _Inhale slowly one, exhale slowly two, inhale slowly three, exha… god what is he thinking right now? I bet he thinks I’m just trying to avoid him or something. I just… breathe, inhale slowly one, exhale slowly two, inhale…_ He kept starting over at one because he kept getting distracted by other thoughts. Thoughts of his father’s other words, advice Kurt hadn’t thought about in so very long.

_‘When you’re intimate with someone in that way… you gotta know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart…’_

Kurt felt his pulse speed up just a tiny bit, knowing it would have been worse if not for the anti-anxiety pills. He’d understood what his father was saying, especially once he actually reached that point with Blaine. But he’d ended up ignoring that advice, and it _had_ done something to him, and he was still trying to work out what that something was.

Kurt found that as long as nothing triggered his anxiety, it was so easy to be with Blaine, so easy just to talk to him, and connect with him, just like before… just like always. He wanted to continue that, and maybe even nurture it a little. He had spent part of his last session wondering if it was a bad thing that being around Blaine again made him see things clearer and made him want to work through the mistakes he’d made over the years. He’d been assured that anything that brought him to seek help was a good thing, but that he would need to be careful to stand on his own before relying on anyone else to help him stay healthy.

That’s what was worrying him. It would be so easy to fall into Blaine’s arms, and he was pretty sure, despite all logic he could think of, that Blaine actually wanted him. Against all odds, it seemed he might not have permanently destroyed their chances, and he really wanted to explore that, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t let himself think of being with Blaine like that. Kurt knew something of what that relationship would be like, the comfortable warmth and fiery heat of their love. Of course, it would be different now, maybe just in little ways, maybe never as strong again, or maybe stronger for what they’d gone through. No matter which way, though, it would be different, different forever because of his actions, but they could rebuild it. He believed that, and it terrified him. He knew he couldn’t let that happen yet. He couldn’t be with Blaine again until he knew he could be without him again.

Kurt wasn’t sure how long he’d been in the studio, but by the time he’d freshened up, checked his clothes, and was on his way back to the stage, he heard a familiar guitar riff and realized that someone – he suspected Ned – had set up a karaoke set with the theatre sound system. He smiled to himself and started dancing along for just a couple seconds before the first vocals.

He found himself momentarily unable to walk as he heard Blaine’s distinct voice calling out...

_Heeeeyyyyy, do it now / Yeah, hey_

Kurt stood there, a smile breaking out as he listened to Blaine completely hamming it up to “Play That Funky Music” on stage. He finally decided he couldn’t miss this performance, so he rushed in, giggling as soon as he saw Blaine strutting across the stage. Kurt flopped onto one of the sofas, smiling as he landed next to Rachel, who was apparently sharing hair styling tips and Jello shots with Emily.

Blaine kept singing, putting his all into the song as usual, coaxing the others to join him on the chorus.

_Yeah, they was dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin' / And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted / Play that funky music white boy / Play that funky music right_

Cameron, Brittany, and Emily all jumped up and started dancing behind him – copying the simple 70s dance steps. Santana leaned over Kurt’s shoulder from behind the couch. “She always stands out when she dances. Just, nobody dances like her, you know?”

Kurt glanced at Santana and saw the smile and the heart eyes she had for Brittany and felt a pang of regret thinking of what he and Blaine could have had. They’d all been high school sweethearts and… he shook himself back to the present and returned Santana’s smile. “Yeah, she’s always been amazing. I’m glad she’s still doing it.”

Blaine danced closer, courtesy of the cordless mic, and sang directly to Kurt for a couple lines, _But now it’s so much better (it's so much better) / I'm funking out in every way_ his eyebrows jumping as he made a funny face on ‘funking’. Kurt laughed and waggled his eyebrows in response. Yeah, Blaine was just as goofy as ever.

Blaine moved around the room, looking a little too friendly when he danced his way over to Dean. Kurt had to remind himself that he had no right to be jealous, _and_ that he had no reason to believe there was anything to be jealous of. Suddenly Santana was there in his ear again. “Hey Sugar Plum Fairy, is it my imagination, or were you checking my boy out just now?”

“Your boy?” Kurt side-eyed her before turning his attention back to the performance. Lindsey and Ned had joined the backup singers on the chorus and everyone was laughing so hard it was difficult to sing.

“Blaine’s my best friend besides Brittany. We’ve been through a lot together,” Kurt glanced in her direction for a brief second, then dropped his gaze to his lap, wondering where this was going, and if he was going to need another quick exit. He wasn’t sure he could handle another panic attack right now. The bad ones were exhausting enough. Having two in a row… he reached up to tug at his collar and tried to consciously slow his breath.

“I’m sure you have.” He wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear, but he didn’t want to antagonize her, either.

“He seems really happy you’re talking again. It’s nice when he’s really happy about something. I haven’t seen enough of it.” She paused, watching the dancers some more, and Kurt just waited, sure she had something else to say. “I guess it’s also nice to have you around again, Dimples.” And then she offered him a rare open and sincere smile – a smile he couldn’t help but return.

Nodding once, she climbed over the sofa and settled next to him to watch the rest of the performance. They were down to the end, the repeating chorus that tapers off, and Blaine had been dancing around for the song, and Kurt could see that his hair was slightly damp from the sweat and a couple curls were clearly defined against his skin. Thankfully, the song finally ended and Blaine was temporarily surrounded by those who sang and danced with him. Kurt prayed for a distraction.

He got it – in the form of Rachel singing “Party in the USA.” Wow. Jello shots and Rachel made for an interesting combination.

The next hour or so passed in a blur. Kurt had several more rum balls than he probably should have, especially with the wine people kept passing around. At some point, Cameron sang “Remedy” which was quickly followed by Santana and Brittany doing “She Bop.” They started out with some cute but simple choreography. Kurt thought he recognized some of it from an old Cheerios routine, but by the end, they were just dancing together as if they were all alone, or at least shrouded into anonymity by a crowd at a dance club.

Everyone applauded when the music stopped and Santana winked at the crowd before she leaned in to kiss Brittany, earning them both some extra whoops and catcalls.

“Want some?” Blaine asked from beside Kurt, holding out a small plate of rum balls. Kurt smiled and took one as Ned got up and set up a song to sing.

“I’m singing this to my sweetie, because what’s the point in having such a wonderful love if you can’t embarrass the hell out of them once in a while. If anyone wants to come up here and sing back-up for me, I’d love it.” He smiled at Sara and ran a hand through his hair nervously as the music started. Kurt couldn’t help but grin as he heard the opening notes of “My Girl” and before he knew it, Blaine was dragging him up to do back up along with Cameron and Dean. The four of them laughed their way through the song behind Ned. Cam started some simple Temptations-style steps and the rest of them took a few bars to catch on and get in sync. The laughter came mostly from the times when one or more of them would try some different step or new gesture, often a couple of them at a time, but trying completely different steps. Kurt nearly stomped on Cam’s foot a couple times, and Ned made the mistake of stepping back just when Blaine was twirling forward. By the time it was over, everyone was laughing and Sara was almost crying.

She got up and pounced across the stage to grab Ned by both hands. “I love you. You are my very favorite.”

“Well good because that’s what I was going for.” They smiled and kissed, and Kurt tried not to look at anyone just then because eye contact when there are nearby declarations of love is just awkward for everyone. He wasn’t specifically trying to avoid Blaine. Just like he wasn’t secretly dying to look up and search for Blaine’s gaze to see if it was pointed in his direction. Instead, he wandered toward the rather impressive display of food, pulling a water bottle from the cooler of ice under the table.

“I’m next! I want to sing next!” Rachel sounded far drunker than he thought was safe, so Kurt finally looked up and saw her stumbling over to punch in her song choice. She turned and grabbed Dean out of his chair saying “sing with me!” Kurt tried not to laugh at the surprised look on Dean’s face, and then felt his mouth fall open when the music started.

He turned to Blaine, wondering if he was having a stroke or a stress-induced flashback or something, but he could see by the look on Blaine’s face that he wasn’t imagining it. And then the lyrics started, Dean singing along in good humor, but still looking a little confused as to how he ended up there.

_You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar / when I met you / I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around / turned you into someone new_

Kurt and Blaine exchanged significant glances, but Kurt still hadn’t expected to suddenly feel Blaine’s warm breath against his ear “does she have a thing for singing this song with gay guys or what?”

Kurt tried desperately to deny that the sensation went directly to his gut, sending out warm waves and completely derailing his thoughts. “Um…. With Rachel, you just never know.”

“Poor guy.” Blaine was slightly further away this time, and Kurt couldn’t truly decide if he felt grateful for that or disappointed by it. He just nodded and sipped on his water.

_Don’t – Don’t you want me / you know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me / Don’t – Don’t you want me / you know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me_

Blaine did his best to ignore the lyrics, to ignore the fact that he wanted nothing more than for Kurt to want him again. Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have downed another glass of wine, but at least it kept him occupied until the song was over. He relaxed again and laughed so hard he nearly fell off the couch when Miki and Kurt got up and sang “Copacabana” together.

“Very entertaining, Mr. Hummel,” he said in a deep voice with a fake accent, though he had no idea why and suddenly felt a little self-conscious about it.

“Thank you,” Kurt said pertly as he bowed deeply before flopping on the sofa next to Blaine. “Miki’s pretty cool. I like her, and I think she’s crushing on Lindsey a bit, which I can support.”

“So there’s no rule about that? I mean cast or crew…” he suddenly realized how this sounded, and he didn’t want Kurt to think he was being pushy. Kurt had said he wanted to be friends right now. “Shit, I mean, god, Kurt, I wasn’t trying to…”

“It’s okay, Blaine!” Kurt turned to him and Blaine thought for just a moment he was going to reach out, place his hand on Blaine leg or arm or something, but Kurt pulled his hand back. He did look at Blaine, though, direct eye contact as they heard the music start up again. “It’s okay. It would be ridiculous for us to think we can avoid every mention of people in relationships or even interested in relationships. It’ll get easier if we just relax. Right?”

Blaine smiled. “Yeah, right.”

The both leaned back a little, lounging and settling into the idea that they didn’t have to be quite so careful around each other. Emily was doing what appeared to be a stripper pole routine without the pole as she sang “Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.” Blaine was only barely paying attention – so he couldn’t have told anyone what happened – but suddenly there was a loud crack, a crash, a squeal, and then Emily was on the floor screaming, crying, and holding her leg.


	18. All the Ups and Downs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes: I know it’s technically Tuesday in my part of the world, but I’ve been sick so my brain’s a little slower today. I’m staying up and holding off on cold meds so I can post this before bed!  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair. And a special thanks to Petelle for giving me last minute feedback on a sticky spot in the chapter! (not that kind of sticky spot – get your minds out of the gutter!)  
> We have almost reached 84,000 words and (holy crap) over 7,000 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 17 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.   
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG  
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

 

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Eighteen: All the Ups and Downs

 _And I tell you_  
I am getting sick of this   
All the ups and downs   
The turns and twists   
All the would’ve, should’ve bitterness   
I carry on my back   
I'm waiting... waiting 

_~The Lucky Ones by Val Emmich_   
  


November 29, 2019

Blaine and Rachel had been called to Sara’s office where Kurt, Linsdey, and Sara were discussing options for someone to take over the role of Mimi. Sara wanted input, but Blaine still had questions. “I’m still confused about this – who’s Emily’s understudy?” Blaine asked.

“Megan, but she’s not really strong enough to carry the role of Mimi on a long term basis. She’s a little too green.” Sara glanced at a couple pages in the stack of paperwork in front of her. “And no wonder, she’s barely 18. She hasn’t had the time to get that much experience. I’d love to see Megan do it for a night or two at a time, but not for the length of time Emily will be recovering. After the breaks heal, she’ll need PT. I think it’ll be better for the show if we can find a good replacement that can start right away. So that’s why I’m asking for help here.”

“And I told her that I though Santana would be fabulous in the role,” Kurt offered by way of further explanation. Blaine and Rachel each started nodding and talking over each other quickly, snippets of “she would kill ‘I wanna go out tonight’” and “time off from her music” and “so true” bouncing amongst the three who knew Santana. Sara just watched for a moment before interrupting them.

“Are you sure about this?” Sara looked back and forth among them, and got confident nods from everyone.

Rachel was the first to speak, as usual. “You heard her sing last night. Even _I_ have to admit she was amazing when we went to high school together, and her local gigs have kept her voice exercised and she’s got the look for it.”

Blaine nodded again, agreeing quite adamantly. “I’ve lived with her for years. She’s the most dedicated performer you’ll find, and she can pick this up quickly, which is key since we open in three and a half weeks.”

“She was always on top of our last minute competition picks, learning the songs and the choreography with the best of us,” Kurt added. “As long as she doesn’t mind taking a break from her club performances, I think she’d be a great choice.”

“And we don’t have a lot of options. We can’t spare the understudy for the length of time Emily will be recovering. After the breaks heal, she’ll need PT. It’s a much better option to hire a replacement so we still have our understudies available.”

Sara nodded slowly, thinking through all she’d been told. It didn’t take long, really. The girl had been amazing during karaoke last night, and it would save them the trouble of auditioning people again. She turned to Lindsey with a deep breath. “Okay, call Santana, see if she’s willing, and we start rehearsal in fifteen minutes. If she’s coming, I need her here ASAP.”

 

December 19, 2019

“Santa Baby” played softly in the background and Kurt pulled his sweater around himself tighter, trying to fight off the chill that was probably as much from his nerves as it was the actual temperature in the apartment. He’d been chatting with Burt about the show, the tire shop, Finn’s girlfriend, and Carole’s new knitting hobby. His hot cocoa was down to warm dregs, and he’d put off the uncomfortable topic as long as he could. He adjusted the laptop screen again, more from nerves than any need to change the angle.

“I need to tell you some stuff, Dad. It’s nothing bad, though. There’s nothing bad. I’m okay. There’s nothing to worry about.” Kurt watched his Dad’s reaction carefully, wishing he could have done this in person. The web camera didn’t make people look healthy anyway, and Kurt never got over worrying about his Dad’s health.

“All right, all right, you tell me what needs to be said and I’ll decide if I want to worry about it, okay? You may be 26 years old, but you’re still my kid and I decide if I need to worry about you. Now, what is it that’s not worth worrying about?” Burt’s words may have sounded harsh, but the tone and the facial expression were anything but. Kurt knew he was still trusted, despite his attempts to distance himself for so long. And that’s why he had to talk about this now. He’d gone over it in therapy. He knew it needed to be done. Why was it so damn hard?

“I, um…” he just had to start with the bare minimum. If he wanted to share more later, he could. It’ll be fine. “I realized recently that I’ve been having some problems; bad moods, lack of appetite, um… d-distancing m-my self” Kurt’s voice started to quiver as he fought back tears and the pain of all that he had lost, all the times he’d felt alone, the way he’d held himself in, thinking it was the only way to lessen the pain. He suddenly realized the pain never lessened, it just hid. “I… I started seeing a therapist. I’m – I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and… um, and sometimes I h-h-have panic attacks. So, I’m uh, I’m seeing, I’m talking to a therapist and, I” he was crying by then, and Burt looked like he was about to cry along with him. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I’m so sorry for not talking to you, and I just…” he sniffed and grabbed a handkerchief to wipe at his nose.

“Hey, Kurt, you listen to me. You don’t have to apologize to me for this. You didn’t know what was wrong, and now you do and you’re telling me now. It’s gonna be okay, Kurt. Now tell me, what can I do to help? Do you need us to come up sooner? Do you want anything from here? What’s the next step?”

Kurt smiled in smite of himself. His dad could always make him feel better. Burt and Blaine had called themselves the Kurt Hummel fanclub a couple times, and they were the only people who’d always been in his corner, yet somehow he’d managed to alienate them both for so long. He still wasn’t sure he deserved another chance, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to give it up. But he still had to tell his dad the other part of his ‘news.’

“Thank you, Dad. Just, really… thank you for always and forever being so awesome. I don’t need anything. Arriving on the 23rd is still fine as long as you’re still okay with having the night to yourselves. But we’ll do breakfast together on the 24th.” Kurt took a slow breath and opened with a relatively safe, but important, segue. “I uh, I mentioned that Rachel’s in the show, right? So Finn’s prepared for that and it’s not going to get all weird or anything?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He’s really happy with Debbie. I think he’s gonna propose soon.”

Kurt just smiled and nodded, deciding not to mention that Finn’s proposals weren’t always the best of ideas. “Well, just so everyone’s prepared, there are some other familiar faces in the cast.” He was trying for nonchalance, but had a feeling he wasn’t pulling it off.

“Okay.” Of course, his dad would just wait, let Kurt say things in his own time. It was a lovely trait most of the time, but in this case it was driving Kurt nuts.

“Santana and Blaine are in it.”

“Oh!” Yeah, he looked really surprised by that one. “So, you’ve been back in touch with them for a while.”

“I saw Blaine when he came to the callbacks. We talked some the next day or two.” Kurt was leaving out a lot, but he honestly wasn’t sure what to say about the rest of it.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, pleased to realize it was a genuine smile because he felt like it. “Yeah, I think I will be. Therapy is helping, and it’s been nice reconnecting with them. Even Santana’s been tolerable.”

“Uh-huh.” Burt watched his son’s expression on the screen and thought of the young boy who’d had a similar expression when discussing Blaine, the new boy he’d met from Dalton. “And Blaine?”

“We’re working on being friends, I guess?”

 

December 22, 2019

Kurt had stepped away from the party to check his messages and return a call. The final dress rehearsal had gone beautifully that afternoon and Sara had arranged for a party for the cast that evening. Kurt was grateful that the theatre would be dark tomorrow. He always loved that one night of peace and calm before opening night.

He listened to the voice message and waited for the beep before speaking. “Hi Tom, it’s Kurt. Sorry I missed your call. I would have loved a chance to talk to you for a minute. But yes, I’m free tomorrow. I can meet you at 12:30, and I… I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you putting up with me. I didn’t know how much I needed this. Anyway, see you tomorrow.”

Kurt ended the call and pocketed his phone, taking a couple slow breaths to settle his nerves again before returning to the party. He turned to go back out to the lobby where they were holding this party, and found Blaine staring at him. His eyes seemed larger and darker than usual, and Kurt was very familiar with that expression. It was the expression that said Blaine was hurt, confused, angry, maybe feeling betrayed, definitely sad. Kurt took a step closer, worried about what might have happened to cause that.

Before he could ask, though, Blaine jumped back like he was afraid of being burned. “Sorry. I… Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you… Um, who’s Tom?”

Oh god, this is what he’d been dreading. He didn’t want to have to talk about this, didn’t want Blaine to know how messed up he was. He thought it would probably cancel out any chances they had of being together again someday. They’d been doing well, rehearsing, getting coffee, sometimes going to a movie or just for a walk. It was so much like before they ever dated that sometimes Kurt found himself comparing these new memories with those old familiar ones from his early Dalton days. He knew they were building on this slowly, and Tom thought it was the best thing for him, really, but trusting Blaine enough to tell him about the therapy was something he’d still been terrified of.

He needed to get this out, though, needed to be honest with Blaine. “Um, yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’ve been seeing him for about a month now.” But before he could continue, Blaine was walking away, visibly upset.

“Blaine, wait! It’s not what you think.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Kurt. It is what it is. You have a lunch date with Tom. It’s fine. You don’t owe me an explanation. You don’t owe me anything, Kurt.” He tried to keep his voice steady, tried to hold in the sudden urge to fall down sobbing. He knew they were just friends. They had no promises anymore. No commitment anymore.

“Dammit, would you listen to me?” Kurt grabbed his hand and tried to pull him closer, but Blaine jerked his hand away angrily. He’d felt drawn to Kurt from that audition. He thought Kurt felt it too. He had thought there was hope, and he wasn’t honestly mad at Kurt. Kurt really _didn’t_ owe him anything. No, Blaine was mad at himself for being such a ridiculous sap.

“Why, Kurt? Why now? I waited seven years to listen to you explain things, and now you want to explain things I don’t want to hear?” He really hadn’t meant to say that, but something in him broke.

“You said it didn’t matter! I knew you’d throw that back in my face one day. Blaine, you have to listen to me! You can’t just think you know…” Kurt faltered, suddenly looking nervous and a little lost. Blaine wanted to take a deep breath and tell him it would be okay, but his heart was pounding and he was spiraling into the pain of losing Kurt again when he’d just begun to believe they had a chance. His temper had always been quick, but years of boxing taught him how to keep it in check. Still, he stepped closer, leaning in toward Kurt, hoping for something like indifference, but knowing it probably came across more as pissed as hell.

“Go ahead, Kurt.” His voice was quiet, calm, and a bit deeper than usual, and Kurt found it incredibly unnerving. “Tell me all about Tom, and how he’s exactly what you were always looking for. Tell me how he’s smoother than me, and taller, better looking. Tell me all about how wonderfully romantic he is, and how he never screws anything up and he doesn’t care if you flirt a little.” Blaine leaned in more, pressing one hand against the wall by Kurt’s shoulder. “Go ahead and explain to me that it wasn’t my fault, I just wasn’t what you really wanted, but it’s okay now because you have Tom and we can try to be friends.”

“Blaine, he’s not…” But Kurt couldn’t finish that sentence because Blaine was suddenly sucking on Kurt’s bottom lip. _Kissing. There’s kissing happening. He’s kissing me. Oh god oh god finally. Oh shit, yes, Blaine, oh god thank you._ Blaine’s lips were as soft as Kurt remembered, and he gasped when Blaine’s tongue flicked into his mouth. Heavy breaths and quiet moans filled the hallway, and when Blaine growled low in his throat, Kurt felt heat curling in his gut. Blaine leaned into the wall more, pressing closer to Kurt, his free hand reaching up to grip Kurt’s head. He felt the firm pressure at the top of his neck and angled his head into it, which seemed to be exactly what Blaine wanted because he groaned and deepened the kiss. Kurt felt a thrill at the weight of Blaine leaning against him, pinning him to the wall. Then suddenly it was over and Kurt was embarrassed to realize he had tried to move forward to capture Blaine’s lips again.

“Tell me Tom can make you feel that good.”

Kurt shook his head, trying to find the words to explain that Tom was not like that. Blaine seemed to just take it as confirmation that he was making Kurt feel good (which was definitely true) and set about continuing that. Kurt inhaled sharply as Blaine kissed him again. It started off slow this time, gentle and testing, almost teasing. When he tried to raise a hand to those curls he’d missed for so long, Blaine stopped him. He pulled Kurt’s arm down and behind him, reaching between Kurt’s back and the wall to grasp his wrist, essentially trapping both Kurt’s arms and pulling them close enough that Kurt could feel the warm pressure of Blaine’s cock against his hip.

“Blaine.” It was barely a gasp, but it was all Kurt could manage. His cock was throbbing and he was literally feeling a bit light-headed from how fast he’d gone from zero to raging hard. He thrust his hips forward and gasped at the friction and the amazing heat that curled through his groin and spread out from there. Blaine kissed him again, sucking at his tongue and then pulling Kurt’s bottom lip with his teeth. Kurt moaned, caught up in the sensations of Blaine holding him tight, the smell of the wine they’d both had at the party. The smell of Blaine giving him sensory déjà vu, Kurt felt his heart speed up and briefly thought he should put a stop to this, but he couldn’t bring himself to try.

He felt Blaine nipping at his neck, at his collarbone, gripping tighter on the wrist behind Kurt’s back and pulling at Kurt’s hair with his other hand as they ground their hips together, cocks sliding side by side through layers of cotton, twill, and denim. Kurt groaned again, eyes out of focus with how aroused he was, but also watering as a tiny part of his brain began to freak out. _Oh god, this is really happening. This is Blaine. I… what does it mean? What are we doing?_ Before he got too far into that line of thinking, Blaine pulled back again, looking at him, looking wrecked, which at least let Kurt know it wasn’t just him. They panted together, still grinding slowly and looking at each other as they loosely brushed their open mouths together. Then Blaine stopped completely, just holding him there, watching him. Kurt whimpered, aching for more contact. Blaine looked hesitant now, and a little sad, and… questioning? “What?” Kurt finally had to ask.

“Is this what happened, Kurt?” Blaine’s tone was cold to Kurt’s ears, but the look in his eyes was sad. “Are you gonna call Tom tomorrow and break up with him?” Kurt choked. He couldn’t breathe anymore, and he thought he might vomit.

Blaine watched as Kurt’s eyes widened and he felt like someone had just twisted a knife in his gut. He’d always suspected that Kurt had found someone else. It was one of the obvious possibilities, and he wasn’t stupid. He just hadn’t realized what it would feel like to _know_ that’s what happened. He started to pull back, only then realizing how aggressively he’d been holding Kurt. He swallowed quickly, trying to stave off the tears starting to gather in his eyes. He vaguely thought he had read a book or seen a movie where a character was musing about the physical pain that comes with heartbreak, but he couldn’t remember what it was. Whatever it was, it probably couldn’t compare to feeling it for real. He felt like sounds were rushing past him too fast, or in the wrong directions, overlapping and amplifying them into nothing but a roaring sound in his ears.

He took a breath and looked at Kurt, finally seeing that Kurt looked scared to death. He was either gasping or hyperventilating, Blaine never knew what that really looked like. And he was starting to look like he was in pain. “Kurt? Kurt, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He carefully reached for Kurt’s wrist, seeing the slight pink area where he’d been holding. “Are you okay?” Kurt moved his mouth a few times, tears welling up in his eyes as he shook his head quickly. “What do you need? Should I call an ambulance?” Kurt waved his hand and shook his head again, pressing his lips together tightly and pulling in on himself as much as possible. He was backed all the way against the wall, and Blaine worried that maybe he was to blame. “Did I scare you? Or hurt you?” Kurt wrapped his arms across his chest and closed his eyes tightly but shook his head no to answer the question. “Can I do something? Can I… would it be okay to hold you?” Kurt choked out a sob and shook his head frantically, trying to shrink away again.

Blaine stood there, feeling helpless and horrible, until Kurt let out another sound, something between a moan and a sob, and started shaking all over. When his knees seemed to give out, Blaine reached for him quickly and was suddenly bracing him up against the wall. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. I’m here. It’s okay. You’re safe with me. Just breathe, Kurt.” Blaine whispered random soothing things as he eased them both down to the floor. He scooted until he had his back to the wall and pulled Kurt into his lap so he could hold him more securely. He kept whispering to Kurt and rubbing his hands over the tense and twitching muscles.

Eventually, Kurt’s crying had slowed down and his breathing had settled. After a while, Blaine felt the tension slowly melt out of him. He’d been surprised to realize just _how_ tense Kurt was, and now it seemed Kurt had fallen asleep. Blaine didn’t know how long they sat there, and was grateful that the three people who left the auditorium had immediately turned the other way and didn’t notice the guys cuddling in the hall. He hoped Kurt didn’t have something seriously wrong, but it seemed like some sort of freak out, and the very thought of that reminded him of the night at the diner, after they’d played songs for each other. Kurt had broken down a little that night, too, but it seemed more like heavy emotions. This had seemed more like… abject horror. Dropping a kiss on Kurt’s head, Blaine cradled him against his chest, one arm snuggly wrapped around him while the other played gently with his hair. He was just trying to decide if he should move – because he was pretty sure his ass was going numb – when Kurt started stirring on his own.

“Blaine?” he mumbled, looking around the hall and then back at Blaine, clearly confused. “What… oh god.” He groaned in embarrassment, realizing he had completely freaked out in front of Blaine. He sat up quickly and his groan turned to one of pain as his pulse throbbed in his temples. This had been his worst panic attack, and of course, Blaine had to see it.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” Blaine was rubbing his back gently, just sitting there with him. Kurt turned and looked at him, unbelieving.

“Why?” He had to ask. Nothing in the way Blaine was acting made sense to him.

“Because, like I told you with the song, ‘ _you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it_ ’. I’m sorry.  I wasn’t angry at you. I swear. I know we’re just friends, and it really isn’t any of my business who you’re dating. And I’m…” Blaine looked away and took a deep breath that sounded just a little shaky to Kurt. “I’m really, really sorry, Kurt. I would never… I mean, I didn’t want to hurt you. Or scare you. I wasn’t trying to force…”

“Blaine, stop.” Kurt put a tentative hand over Blaine’s mouth. He was still feeling very raw, overly-sensitive, and more than a little confused and nervous, but he couldn’t listen to Blaine blaming himself for anything. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t exactly arguing with you about it, you know?” He blinked away the sudden mental images of them grinding together against the wall, right outside the auditorium with the entire cast and crew. “I swear, Blaine. You didn’t force any of that.” He shifted a little and winced at the pins and needles in his leg. “Ah, time to move,” he pushed himself up from the cool tile floor.

“Come on,” Blaine said as he accepted Kurt’s hand up and then used it to pull Kurt closer and wrap one arm around his shoulders. “Why don’t I take you down to your studio? I know you’re comfortable in there, and you can close the door for privacy if you need it. I… I’ll leave you alone if you want, if you swear to me that you’re okay and that you’ll call me or Lindsey or someone if you need anything.”

“Um, okay.” Kurt actually wouldn’t have minded if Blaine wanted to stay with him, but he couldn’t dare admit that aloud.  He hung his head the rest of the way to the studio, wishing for – well, he didn’t really know exactly _what_ he was wishing for, there were so many possibilities. He tried to focus more on his feet and less on the way Blaine’s touch was making him tingle. When they reached the studio, they stopped just a few feet inside the door, but Blaine didn’t let go. Kurt turned slightly, looking at Blaine, willing him to say something.

“I guess I should go, I mean, if you want, do you need anything?” Blaine seemed to realize he was starting to run his words together. He paused and then looked at Kurt earnestly. “Are you okay? Really? Is there anything I can do?”

Kurt couldn’t help it, his eyes filled so quickly and his heart fluttered. “I, I wouldn’t mind i-if you stayed.” He glanced at the small sofa at the edge of the studio. “If you want to, I mean. I…” He swallowed hard and took a breath, pulling on all the bravado he could muster – he didn’t want to seem needy. “I’m okay, but I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Blaine smiled and reached up with one hand, gently catching the tears with one finger. “Then I’d be happy to stay.” He held Kurt’s gaze for a couple minutes and started ever so slowly leaning forward, then suddenly pulled back with an expression Kurt couldn’t quite interpret. “Wait. No. You’re seeing someone else. I can’t do this if you’re with this Tom guy. I don’t want…”

“I’m not. Blaine, you never let me explain.”

“Kurt, I remember the conversation. I heard you on the phone with Tom, verifying that you’d meet him at 12:30 tomorrow. _You_ said you’ve been seeing him for a month. How exactly does that NOT mean you’re dating him?”

“He’s my therapist!” Kurt managed to hold in his frustration, saying that with much less force than he felt at the time. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Blaine. I have panic attacks – as you know, now – and I’m seeing a therapist to try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.” He was blinking back the tears again, clearing his throat to try and get rid of the lump in it. He was so exhausted after the earlier panic that he seemed to have no filters now. He found himself just mumbling. “I thought about telling you, so you’d know I’m – I’m trying to… to fix things, I guess? But I didn’t know how to bring it up, and I can’t really talk about stuff sometimes because my throat tries to close up when I get too anxious. And I didn’t want you to know how – how broken I am.”

“Kurt, no! Oh god, I’m so sorry.” Blaine tentatively reached out, offering a hug, unsure if he’d be welcome after the mistake he’d just made. “I’m so, so sorry. I had no right, god, even if you were dating someone, I had no right to react like that.”

Kurt blinked at him and stepped happily into his arms. “It-it’s okay. I mean, I’m a little confused, but it’s okay.”

“Confused about what?” Blaine hugged him tightly, wanting to look at him as they talked, but not willing to let him go just yet.

“About why you acted… like that. Why was that your reaction?”

And then he had to loosen his grip and look Kurt in the face. “Which part, the making out? Or the, uh, mood of the making out?” He worried that he’d been too aggressive, too rough and controlling. He had tried to read Kurt’s body language and reactions at the time, but since they’d never had much time to explore kinks, he wasn’t sure what Kurt was okay with.

“Both, actually?” Kurt looked down, clearly nervous or embarrassed – possibly both.

“I, uh,” God, how was he supposed to explain this? He barely understood his motivations internally. He wasn’t sure he could put them into words. “Okay, I’ll try to explain, but it might be choppy because it’s hard to figure out. And it will be blunt. Are you okay with that?” The last thing he wanted to do was trigger another panic attack.

“Yeah, I should be. I’ll tell you if I need to stop.” Blaine nodded and started to shift and sit back, but Kurt had a grip on Blaine’s sweater, so he chose to stay still and keep rubbing Kurt’s back as he spoke.

“Okay, well, I guess the first reason is that I wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you every time I’ve seen you since my audition. I, god, Kurt, I missed you so damned much, and I don’t know what happened, or I guess, I don’t know what exactly happened or why, but I never got over the idea of us. And then Brittany said I could help you get your magic back and something about lobsters, I think. And we were spending time together and getting closer again and I guess I was just hoping – I don’t know, I was just hoping. And then I heard your message and I thought… and I just got so mad. I wanted to be patient, Kurt. I wanted to just sit back and give you whatever time or space you need, but sometimes it’s just so hard, and when I tell other people I’m okay with this, and I tell Santana it’ll be worth it, and then I thought you were seeing someone else and it just hurt so much, so I was angry. And I guess I wanted to show you I could… we could still be good together. I was never trying to force… I mean, I wouldn’t… and then I wondered if you were just caught up in the mood or something, because why would you be doing that with me if you were seeing someone else, and that’s… god, Kurt I’m so sorry. I never would have… I mean, if I’d known it was your therapist, that … god damn, I can’t believe I fucked up so badly. I can’t believe I upset you like that, made you have a panic attack. I just...” At some point during his speech, Blaine had shifted, and Kurt had tightened his grip and was holding Blaine, offering comfort – much to Blaine’s confusion. He’d thought that would be his job.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. And you didn’t force – I told you. And, Blaine – I’m hoping, too.” Blaine looked up then, locking eyes with Kurt, wondering if that was a safe lifeline to grab onto. “I’m hoping I can get my head straightened out at least a little bit more. I’m hoping I can reduce my panic attacks and get to the point that I can talk about the things that trigger them. And more than anything, I’m hoping you’ll still be hoping when I’m better. I just… I can’t be in a relationship right now. I need more work, and all I can do is hope you’ll still want me when I’m done.”

Blaine felt his eyes fill and his lips begin to quiver. “Kurt, always. The ball is in your court. You do what you need to do. Tell me how I can help. I’ll be here. I’m not letting you go again.”


	19. Don't Look Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes: I’m very sorry for the delay. Life kind of exploded in the last couple weeks, but here’s a new chapter, and I’ll try to get the next one out quicker.  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair. As usual, it would not be nearly so well put together without them both.  
> We have now passed the 87,000 word mark and (holy crap) over 7,000 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 19 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG  
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

 

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Nineteen: Don’t Look Now

 _Don’t look now, but guess who’s back in town._  
It’s so easy, don’t even have to try.  
~The Lucky Ones by Loverboy

December 23, 2019

Kurt had been so glad to find that his therapist didn’t have a couch in the office. He’d always thought it weird when he saw that in movies. Tom’s office had a couple of comfortable, but not too cozy, armchairs and Tom’s desk and desk chair. Kurt sat in the armchair closest to the window and absently wondered what he’d see if it weren’t always covered in heavy drapes. He sat up straight, ankles and knees together, but the heel of his right foot was propped on the front of the chair, raising that knee an inch or so higher than the left. He had both hands clasped over that knee and was breathing slowly. He’d been coming long enough that he’d learned a few coping techniques and couldn’t deny how much a few deep breaths could help sometimes. Of course, he was sure his medication was helping, too. He knew he should have taken it sooner last night, but he’d been so caught up in things with Blaine…

Tom came back in, closing the door as he moved to his big leather desk chair. “Sorry about that. I just needed to get some notes sent off this afternoon. You have my undivided attention now, Kurt. How are you?”

“I’m just so, so glad you could see me. I knew the holidays were going to be stressful, but after last night, just, I understand why you don’t have many appointments this close to Christmas, so thank you for letting me have one of them.”

“Of course, Kurt. I have them for the people who need it the most at the time. I want to be here for you; I think it’s important in helping people.” Tom smiled and leaned back in his chair, lacing his fingers together in front of his stomach. “Now, do you want to tell me what happened last night? You sounded pretty calm when you returned my call.”

“I… I was, and then Blaine walked in.” Kurt closed his eyes, unbidden memories flashing through his mind; Blaine’s eyes – so confused and hurt, Blaine’s lips – brushing against his own and how familiar and comforting it was even after so long, the surge of his emotions and hormones when Blaine had roughly pushed him against the wall and taken… He sighed. “You know how I told you last week I was anxious because everything seems so easy? The morning coffees, the casual touches, the new inside jokes, having lunch, working together on the production, it all felt so familiar and comfortable that it scared the shit out of me. Well that continued until yesterday, and now… things have gotten more complicated.”

He carefully related the basics of what happened – Blaine’s confusion, their kisses (okay it was damned near clothed sex to be honest), the panic attack, their talk. He was surprised again at his ability to talk about this. Oh sure, he avoided some things, some of his thoughts, reactions… but overall he was much calmer about it than he had expected he would be.

“You made a good decision, Kurt. It takes a strong and self-aware person to pay attention when they’re not ready for something they want.”

“It still scares me. Even being his friend, like I said, it seems too easy. Something’s gonna go wrong.” Kurt tugged on his collar just a little and realized he was getting anxious. He shifted in his seat and tried to take a slow, deep breath.

“Why are you afraid of being comfortable in this friendship?”

“Because I don’t want to lose him again,” he answered without even thinking. “I know the more I give in to this, the more it will hurt when he realizes.”

“When he realizes what?”

“That I’m not worth it.” He was looking at the floor now, kind of wishing for it to open up and swallow him just so he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this anymore. “That I don’t deserve his forgiveness or his friendship or anything.”

“And you don’t deserve this because?”

“Because I’m…” _a cheater, a liar, a freak, a pervert, a horrible friend, an even worse boyfriend_ “I’m a bad person.”

“Because of that party years ago?” Tom sat up straight, resting his arms on the desk blotter as he tilted his head slightly and waited for Kurt’s reply.

“Yes. Because I cheated on him. Why should he ever trust me again?” Tom didn’t bother to answer that. It was rhetorical, just like it had been every time Kurt asked.

Later that evening, Kurt settled into his pre-opening-night ritual. He’d felt better after leaving Tom’s, after explaining to Tom what happened with Blaine last night. He’d already talked to his Dad and Carole briefly after they got checked in at their hotel and would be meeting them for breakfast the next morning. He silenced his phone, started the coffee pot, and went about getting all his work together on the bed.

 Spreading it out around him, Kurt had the stage bible, the costume files, script, a recording of the music, a notepad and pen. On the night stand, he placed a cup of coffee and a bowl of peanut butter M & Ms. As with every show he’d done since that internship that first brought him to New York, Kurt spent the night meticulously reviewing every note, every cue, every costume change, all the while munching on the candy and drinking far more coffee than he should.

 

December 22, 2019

Blaine wanted nothing more than to fall over in his bed and stay there until his call time on Tuesday, so by the time he finished talking to Kurt, made sure Kurt was okay (that took some serious convincing), he decided against going back to the party. He went straight home, not expecting to find Santana and Brittany already waiting for him in the living room.

“Uh, hi.” He decided to go for casual. Maybe they’d just assume nothing was up and he could sneak off to his room. “I thought you two would still be at the party.”

“Tana wanted to come home and get our lady loving on, but I said we should wait to make sure you were okay because rebuilding magic is hard work.”

Blaine just blinked at Brittany, wondering – as he often did – if she was out of touch with reality, or if she was somehow superhuman and psychic but could only talk in riddles. “I, uh, thanks. I’m okay. Just tired. I’m planning to sleep in tomorrow.” He offered a smile and took a couple steps toward his room before Santana let him know he wasn’t getting away with it that easily.

“Oh no you don’t, Songboy. I needs to know what’s going on. Are you humming for Hummel again or not?”

As always, her crassness made him twitch just a slight bit. “God, Santana, do you have to…” but there was no point continuing. He knew her well enough to know that would be a dead end. “We’re not together, if that’s what you’re asking me.” He wanted to leave it at that, go to his room and shut himself away from the world, process what had happened tonight and how he felt and what it meant. He could still feel Kurt’s lips on his, Kurt’s arms around him, but he was already forgetting just how amazing it felt to hold him and be held by him. He knew he was. He’d never been able to really remember that feeling correctly, but he was okay with that. If he’d remembered the truth of that feeling, it might not have felt as amazing the next time.

“That’s part of what I’m asking, but I kind of already knew that.”

Blaine took a deep breath and sighed. “Do I want to ask how you already knew?”

“Because of the look on your face. What I don’t get is why you look like you almost lost your best friend.”

Now that was interesting wording. Blaine thought about it, and realized that’s exactly what had happened. His emotions welled up inside him and all the thoughts he wanted to mull over and process suddenly came bubbling out like word vomit. “Because I thought I was losing Kurt again. And I didn’t know it would hurt that much. I … for the first time since I saw him again, I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this. I have to, though. I don’t know how but I have to do this. I told him I would, and I can’t break that promise. I can’t, I promised and I don’t know how because what if it doesn’t work? What if he can’t be with me again or he finds someone else before then? What if he decides he doesn’t want me again or he disappears again? God, I can’t do that again. I can’t hurt like that again, and I thought, Tom. I thought he was seeing Tom, and that was it, and now maybe he, I mean he said he wanted to be better, and he hoped I would still, I will. I’ll wait for him. I have to just wait for him because if I stop waiting I have to let go and letting go hurts too much. I can’t let go of him. I can’t ever let him go.”

As he rambled, the last of his strength seemed to seep out with his words. Santana and Brittany had gotten up during his rambles and by the time he stopped talking, they were sitting next to him on the floor, hugging him from both sides. He hugged back tightly and closed his eyes, fighting tears – tears of confusion, fear, joy, exhaustion, loss, hope.

“I don’t know how to feel so much at the same time.”

Santana brushed a hand over his hair, sliding back until her nails gently scratched at the nape of his neck. “It’s okay. We can help, if you talk about it.”

Brittany kissed him on the cheek and gave him a very serious look. “I know you don’t like to talk about it, but you said it helped when you finally did before.”

“Before?” He looked at her, confused.

“Senior year, your first, my second, when Kurt broke up with you and you didn’t talk to anyone about it for like a month.”

“I talked to Tina! She came over that very day! You know, Tana, you’re the one that sent her over!”

“Yeah, but you barely spoke to anyone after that. I remember.” Brittany gave him a knowing look, and Blaine couldn’t do anything but admit she was right. He’d barely spoken to anyone for weeks, only sharing his feelings in song a couple of times when he couldn’t stand it anymore. If Kurt had been there, he would have seen that something was wrong. He would have known that Blaine needed someone to talk to, but of course that was exactly the problem, wasn’t it?

 

November 15, 2012

“All right, we still need to hear from Artie, Blaine, Sugar, and Marley today, and then we need to have another discussion about our set list for Sectionals. So who’s up next?”

Sugar volunteered and everyone was pleased to hear that she was making some progress on her singing abilities. Her rendition of “All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun)” was highly energetic and actually drew Blaine’s attention from his spot near the back corner. He tried to remember what they were supposed to be singing about this week, but he had no idea. _I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a Sheryl Crow theme. Didn’t Tina sing some Natalie Merchant song yesterday? Chicks of the 90s maybe?_ He leaned forward a little and tried to look at least mildly interested. Another Thursday afternoon. This would be the second Thursday in a row that he wouldn’t have a Skype date with Kurt after Glee practice. Kurt didn’t have to work on Thursday nights, so they’d both kept them clear since he left for New York. Now Blaine didn’t have a reason to keep his Thursday nights clear anymore. He sighed deeply and glanced at his phone again, willing it to light up with a text from Kurt, but it still sat there, darkly and quietly mocking him with lack of contact.

When Artie started singing “I see trees of green, red roses too / I see them bloom, for me and you / and I think to myself, what a wonderful world” Blaine knew he’d truly forgotten the assignment. He’d had it kind of easy last week when Mr. Shue asked them all to prepare a U2 song. “With or Without You” summed up his feelings pretty perfectly last week. He’d been sure Kurt would call, would cry and apologize and explain that he’d freaked out about something and promise to never do it again and they would decide to go ahead and laugh about it because they knew they would laugh at the memory when they were old and grey together. Now another week had gone by and Kurt still hadn’t contacted him. He’d tried exactly twice, deciding that more than twice in a week was desperate and probably counter-productive, but Kurt hadn’t answered the call and hadn’t replied to the text.

 Blaine grabbed his music folder and flipped through the sheet music he had with him. He’d just gone through a stack at the library the other day but he could barely remember what he’d selected. Pulling out the first song that caught his attention, Blaine stood after Artie’s song and handed his music to Brad. If Brad looked at him a little strangely upon seeing the song, Blaine didn’t really notice. He wasn’t noticing much at all except how unending his days were without Kurt in his life. Something in the back of his mind suggested that he was being just a little melodramatic and had he been taking lessons from Rachel, but he ignored it and started singing “Unbreak My Heart” with all the strength he had.

_Don't leave me in all this pain / Don't leave me out in the rain / Come back and bring back my smile  
Come and take these tears away_

Blaine thought the line was wrong. If Kurt came back to him now, it would certainly bring back a smile, but Blaine knew he’d be crying from how happy he’d be. He hadn’t actually cried much. He sobbed when Tina first came over, and he teared up a little whenever he was reminded of the things he was missing now, like their Skype dates on Thursdays. But just a word from Kurt would set him off now; he was sure of it.

_Un-break my heart / Say you'll love me again / Undo this hurt you caused / When you walked out the door / And walked out of my life_

He’d actually believed they would be fine. When he took Kurt on that trip to Dayton before he left, they’d been so happy and everything was perfect, so he’d never worried about what if, and now what if was staring him in the face.

 _Take back that sad word good-bye / Bring back the joy to my life / Don't leave me here with these tears_  
Come and kiss this pain away  
I can't forget the day you left / Time is so unkind / And life is so cruel without you here beside me  
  
Kurt hadn’t actually said ‘good-bye’ and Blaine was hanging on to that with all his might. It was the only thing that gave him hope, the only tiny detail he could use to support the idea that they weren’t really over – not the forever kind of over. Kurt didn’t say ‘good-bye.’

 _Un-break my heart oh baby_  
Come back and say you love me  
Un-break my heart  
Sweet darlin'  
Without you I just can't go on  
Can't go on....

Blaine wasn’t clear on the rest of that day, too focused on the idea that if he could just know how Kurt felt, what was going on in his mind, he could fix this.

 

December 22, 2019

“Tina and Sam took you home that day, so you didn’t hear Marley sing ‘These Are a Few of My Favorite Things.’”

“What the hell was the theme, anyway?” Santana asked.

“Mr. Schue wanted us to remember the reason we came to Glee and that it was about ‘opening yourself up to Joy’ but I sang a song that made me think of you because I didn’t want to date Joy.” Santana smiled at that and gave Brittany a kiss before turning back to Blaine with a raised eyebrow.

“You sang ‘Unbreak My Heart’ when the theme was about joy?”

Blaine blinked tiredly at her, starting to feel worn out after the emotional roller coaster of the evening. He wondered idly if this is how Kurt felt after a panic attack. “Hey, in my defense, if Kurt had come back to me like the song said, I would have been very open to joy.”

“Wanky.”

Brittany leaned her head on his shoulder, still trying to offer some comfort. Blaine thought it was sweet. “So, I told Santana about it because I thought Kurt could make you feel better…”

Santana took over the story in that way people do when they’ve been together a long time. Seeing it hurt Blaine just a little.

“I tried to talk to Kurt again, but he wouldn’t listen. I know Rachel was checking on him for a while, and we tried to keep each other updated to make sure he was okay. And I kept trying to get you to talk, texting you to see how you were doing, but you clammed up just like he did.”

Blaine still had to remind himself that Kurt hadn’t been living the grand New York romance Blaine imagined. He’d always thought Kurt must have met someone amazing that was everything he ever thought he wanted and was connected to theatre or fashion or something Kurt loved. So of course, finding out Kurt wasn’t living it up with this new guy… it made him wonder just what other reasons there could have been. “Oh god, was he sick? Did Kurt get some horrible diagnosis? Is that why he’s so thin now, and a little paler than he used to be?”

“No, sweetie. Not that I know of. But we’re not here to talk about Kurt’s problems. We’re here to talk about yours.”

“Kurt is my problem, Tana” His face scrunched up and he was trying not to cry.

Brittany tilted her head slightly and gave him a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry you’re sad. I can tell, because when you’re sad, your eyebrows don’t look like triangles anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: I wrote part of this chapter months ago, and part of it weeks ago, and part of it very close to posting date. As I was going through it when it was about ½ done, I saw things that reminded me of recently aired episodes. I don’t know if others will see them the same way, but I thought it was kind of cool to see things on the show reflecting my not-yet-published. You may think they are a reference to the episodes, but in reality, it’s just what the characters in my head are telling me.


	20. Just Keep Me Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Notes:  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery.  
> We have reached over 91,000 words and (holy crap) over 8,000 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 20 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 26).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter: PG  
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Twenty: Just Keep Me Close

 _Just keep me close_ __  
There is no storm we cannot weather  
However how high, however low  
I will face forever  
~The Lucky Ones by Kerli

 

December 24, 2019

Kurt poked restlessly at his eggs as he mostly listened to Carole talking about her knitting group. She’d made herself a hat for the trip and was pleased when Kurt complimented it before he even knew it was her work. He was trying to stay interested, but he was having so many thoughts of Blaine it made things difficult. They hadn’t seen or talked to each other since the night of the party. He didn’t know what was going on or how things would be when they saw each other next, and his worries about it were becoming distracting. He took a sip of his orange juice and forced himself to listen to the conversation more actively.

“So they claim there’s a black hole of knitting where you keep working on it and the project doesn’t get any bigger. I guess that’s why it seemed like the middle part of this hat took five times longer than the rest of it.” Carole laughed.

Kurt chuckled along with her.  “I know what you mean! The one time I knit a scarf, it seemed like it stayed at three feet forever.”

“You knit?” Finn asked around a bite of his bagel.

“Yes, a little. I had to learn several methods of making clothing and accessories for my job. I made about half of what you’re going to see on stage tonight. And probably 90% of the rest has been modified and/or altered.” Kurt was proud of how much he put into the costumes. He felt like it made the show more special somehow. “I try to make sure the costume doesn’t just fit the character, but fits that version of the character. And sometimes that requires being able to make all sorts of things.”

“You mean the version of the character because of how the actor plays them?” Burt asked.

Kurt loved that his father still tried so hard to share or at least understand Kurt’s interests, and it made him feel just a little more guilty for how much he’d been pushing his dad away for so long. “Yes, exactly. Each actor brings a little bit of himself to the role. Take, for example, when Daniel Radcliff was in How to Succeed, and then some other guy for a couple weeks, before Nick Jonas took over the role. Each of those people played Finch a little bit differently, brought a new inflection to the songs or a different twist to the dance. Not to mention, though they all had similar features, they had slightly different coloring. Lighter hair, brown eyes instead of blue, things like that. In the costume department, because they had people who paid attention to things like this, they took that into consideration and each of those actors had slight differences in their costumes to reflect their take on the character better. The promo posters each had a different colored bow tie.”

“That’s really cool,” Finn said. “I’ll have to keep that in mind. I’m supposed to direct a one-act play for a class next semester, and things like that are good to know.”

Kurt smiled. Carole beamed. Burt drank his coffee and watched his family.

*_*

Everyone was in costume and in places and Kurt was standing by with the stage bible, ready to watch the whole show unfold like the seamless work of art he knew it was. He hadn’t really been trying to avoid Blaine before the show, but it just so happened that every time Blaine had a few moments free, Kurt was far too busy to talk. They’d shared a couple of glances, but Kurt wouldn’t let himself try to interpret Blaine’s looks.

Later, as Blaine and Santana sang “Without You,” Kurt watched from the wings. He’d paid so much attention to the costumes and how they functioned when he watched dress rehearsals that he was completely unprepared for how emotional he would get when he actually watched the performance. RENT had always been a very moving show for Kurt, but some of these things, with Blaine as one of the performers, it just made pieces of all the storylines hit closer to home. Still, he found that he couldn’t pull his gaze away.

Santana turned away from Blaine, moving stage left for her lines

_Without you. / Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats._

Then Blaine turned and began moving stage right, directly toward Kurt.

_Without you, the eyes gaze_

He looked up and paused in his walking, holding Kurt’s gaze as he finished the line.

_the legs walk, the lungs breathe._

Kurt saw flickers of Blaine breaking through the character of Roger, but it was only in his eyes while he was facing Kurt. To the audience, he was fully Roger, and that kind of control was something Kurt envied.

_The mind churns!_

Blaine raised his hand to his chest and gave Kurt one last intent gaze as he sang the next line  - _The heart yearns! -_ before turning back toward Santana, toward Mimi. As he watched the end of the scene and stepped out of the way while people shifted for the next scene, Kurt had to remind himself to breathe. He’d missed those looks from Blaine; god, he’d missed the devotion they represented, but he still couldn’t shake his guilt. He wasn’t worthy of that devotion anymore. That was the way to look at your innocent and completely faithful boyfriend.

He kept himself busy backstage for the rest of the show, but after the curtain call (and standing ovation, thank you very much – the cast really had done great) he found Blaine quickly heading straight for him. Kurt looked around, trying to find something to busy himself, something he could do besides fidget nervously, but all he’d managed was to grab his clipboard and pencil. “Kurt?”

“Hmm?” If he seemed distracted, it was only because he couldn’t quiet the racing thoughts about all the things that could go wrong in this situation, but he hoped Blaine would think he was just busy and wouldn’t try to push a conversation right now.

“I just wanted to… I’m sorry.” Kurt listened, still gazing at his clipboard and pretending there was something important on it. Blaine just kept talking, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I was just… I just saw you there, and I had all these feelings, and I–”

“Kurt!” They both turned when Burt called out, Kurt torn between being grateful for the interruption (he so wasn’t ready to deal with these feelings or interpret looks that really needed no interpretation) and being horrified of what might come from interaction between Blaine and his father.

Burt held in a chuckle when he saw the boys turn to look at him. Deer in headlights, the both of ‘em. He had a feeling there was something going on just by Kurt’s phone call. Carole put a hand on his shoulder and leaned in to whisper, “Go easy on them, Burt.”

Burt just gave her a smile and a nod before he grabbed Kurt up in a bear hug. “Those costumes looked great, kiddo. I know I don’t have a lot of theater experience and all, but it sure looked like a good show to me.”

“Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me. I’m so glad you could all make it.” Kurt squeezed back tight and Burt felt him sigh against his shoulder before he let go. “And Carole, you look gorgeous! Love the royal blue!”

Burt noticed that Blaine had stepped back a bit as Kurt hugged his way through the family. “Hey Blaine, you wouldn’t be trying to sneak off, would you? Get over here so we can talk about what a great job you did tonight.” He reached out and clapped Blaine lightly on the shoulder and he almost didn’t notice the slight twitch that betrayed Blaine’s nerves.

“Thank you, Mr. Hummel. And it’s very nice to see you all.” Blaine held out his hand and Burt smiled and pulled him into a hug.

“Good to see you, too, and you should still call me Burt.” Burt passed him off to Carole and was pleased to get an approving smile from her over Blaine’s shoulder. _You’d think she expected me to hold him at gunpoint or something._

Santana and Rachel were headed their way and Burt was struck with the wonder that he still felt like he knew them. They’d been such an important part of Kurt’s life for three years, and seeing them all together… it warmed his heart, and it made him hurt for all that Kurt had lost. Seeing them all smile and hug each other gave him hope that maybe Kurt could have that back – that support system, that social network. He’d seemed so alone since he and Blaine broke up, and Burt never thought that was good for him.

“Mr. Hummel! It’s so good to see you!” Rachel walked up and hugged him, her own mannerisms so different than the character she’d just played. Burt smiled and responded automatically, talking to Santana, too. He was a little pleased and a little surprised to hear that she and Brittany were still together, and he couldn’t help but spare a glance at Kurt.

They may not have been as close the last several years, but he hadn’t changed so much that Burt couldn’t still tell when he was a bundle of feelings. He’d had Carole give him more details about depression, anxiety disorders, and panic attacks so he’d have a better understanding what Kurt was going through. It’d just about killed him to hear her describe it as sometimes feeling like a heart attack. He’d had a heart attack. He knew what that felt like, and it was nothing he ever wanted Kurt to experience, and the more he looked at Kurt, the more he worried it was about to happen again. He was about to step closer through the crowd of excited friends and castmates so he could check on Kurt, but Blaine reached him first, caught Kurt’s attention with a worried expression.

Burt ignored the rest of the gang and just watched Kurt and Blaine. He was just too far to hear their words, especially over the din, but he saw Blaine’s hand rest on Kurt’s shoulder and he saw the slight drop in that same shoulder when Kurt relaxed just a tiny bit. Kurt turned and whispered something to Blaine, and Burt could see all sorts of mixed messages in their body language. In addition to being overwhelmed, Kurt looked hesitant, then frustrated. When Blaine said something that looked a lot like “of course” and smiled, Kurt relaxed again and smiled back, leaning into Blaine and accepting the quick hug. Yeah, he’d definitely need to keep an eye on these boys. It seemed there was a lot going on there, and Carole couldn’t fault him for just wanting to look out for them both, could she?

 

December 26, 2019

Kurt hugged his family tightly, accepted many comments of them being proud, orders for him to take care, a heart-warming “love you, bro” from Finn, and stood back to grin at how obviously in love his dad and Carole were, just like the day they married. Finally, they were all in the cab and headed to the airport, and Kurt was texting Blaine and heading to his place so they could finally talk. Kurt felt pretty good about this. He’d had a few days to relax and enjoy time with his family, to talk to Tom, to think things over calmly and rationally. He was going to be fine. They were going to talk about this and grab lunch before reporting to the theatre.

As he walked, he thanked the short trip and other family members for preventing any seriously deep conversations, especially about Blaine. They’d all skated around his issues until he got fed up with it Christmas morning when they were opening presents. When he had finally asked them to stop babying him and walking on eggshells and self-editing everything they talked about, Finn had sighed in relief and Carole gave him her best understanding smile. His dad had looked at him pointedly and said, “Hey, kiddo, you know how it is when you find out someone you love is sick. You worry. You don’t want to make things worse. You wonder what you can do to help.”

Yes, Kurt knew that, having worried about his dad more than once. He was grateful to have family that cared, though. And as he rang the bell at Blaine’s door, he was grateful to have another chance at having Blaine in his life, too. He was also having a strong wave of emotion, an unexpected reaction to being at his old place. Blaine had assured him Santana and Brittany would be out all day, but Kurt was now suddenly wishing he’d offered his own place instead, or sitting in the studio, or anywhere but…

“Hi! Did you have a good visit with the family?” Blaine was talking before he’d even gotten the door open completely. “I guess they all had to get back to work soon? How was the walk? Is it super windy out there, or just a still cold?” Blaine motioned him in and closed the door behind him as he talked. When he reached out to take Kurt’s coat and things, Kurt held up a hand to stop him.

“Blaine, are you all right? You’re reminding me of when the whole Glee club took speed to win a boys versus girls contest?”

“You took speed?” Blaine looked shocked. “I… I never knew you did any kind of… I mean, I know Puck mentioned weed a couple times but I didn’t think the whole club was.. I never knew… why didn’t anyone ever offer to share with me if you were all, I mean, not that I would have wanted to, when did you do speed, Kurt? And why? That just seems…”

“Blaine!” Kurt was laughing. He would have stopped Blaine sooner, but it was far too entertaining to let him ramble, despite the fact Kurt still had no idea why he was so rambly. “It was over-the-counter allergy meds or something. Mr. Schue’s wife was, for reasons we never understood, filling in for the school nurse. She told us it was vitamins and would help us feel better. Now, how about you? What kind of drug are you on?”

Blaine’s eyebrows rose quickly, getting more pointed at the top and giving Kurt another thing to try not to laugh at. He’d always loved Blaine’s eyebrows. They’re so expressive. “I’m not on any… well, okay, caffeine. I made a pot of coffee this morning and it was really, really good. Mercedes sent it from San Francisco where she was doing a show. Anyway, it was really good coffee, and I kinda drank most of the pot already. I can make more, though, because you need to try it! It’s called Zoom!”

Kurt just shook his head and smiled as Blaine headed back toward the kitchen. “Hey, you probably shouldn’t make another full pot. I think you’ve had enough caffeine for a day or two.”

“Oh fine. Spoilsport.” Blaine called over his shoulder. “Just make yourself comfortable and I’ll be done in a second.”

Kurt sighed and looked around, noting that a lot of things had changed over the years. There was different art on the walls, a nicer couch than the thrift store bargain they’d had when he lived there, and a quite lovely rug that really pulled the room together better. But there was still just enough familiarity to somehow comfort and unnerve him all at once. He wandered slowly around the room, trying to get a feel for it, to work out his reaction to its dual effect on him. Before he could make it all the way around, Blaine came back from the kitchen.

“Coffee will be ready soon. So,” Blaine raised his eyebrows again, rocking back and forth on his heels a little and then letting out a breathy chuckle. “Why don’t we start with this – are you up for talking about things today? I mean, I’d love to. I’d… I’d _really_ love to, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable. I just wouldn’t feel okay with it if you’re not comfortable.”

Kurt blinked at him. “Did you do that on purpose?”

“Do what?”

_Really? He didn’t notice –_

“Oh. Ooooh! I said something like that before we, before our first time. No. No, it wasn’t on purpose. I’m sorry. I just,” he was all over the place for a moment there, and then his eyes locked with Kurt’s and Kurt saw the shift in them, the moment when Blaine changed his mind. The moment just before he started speaking again. “No. I’m not sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose, but it just proves what I want you to know. This is the one big thing I wish and hope and pray that you can always know and believe and remember, and it’s that you’ve been that important to me for so long. It was always this way, and I think it always will be. I want to take care of you, make sure you are happy and that you always know you’re loved. I want you to believe that you’re worth that. I want you to know that your comfort is always more important than anything I might want. And … I really hope my actions on Sunday night were… well, not something that would make this whole speech sound like a lie. I know that you weren’t exactly comfortable, or you wouldn’t have had a panic attack, and I’m so so sorry for whatever I did that caused it.”

Kurt smiled and reached out for Blaine’s hand. “It’s okay. There was a lot going on, and there was a misunderstanding and we’ve got it all settled now. Don’t worry about it.”

“Really?” Blaine raised his eyebrows, clearly worried. “You’re really okay? I mean it, Kurt, I don’t ever want you to pretend to be okay if you’re not. I want to be your friend, and friends are honest about these things, right?”

Kurt thought that was probably the most perfect thing Blaine could have said to him. They’d been friends first, best friends, both before and after they started dating. Offering him that again, that was like offering him a lifeboat right now. “I’d really like that.”

“You’d like…” Blaine moved closer, turning his hand to squeeze Kurt’s in response.

Kurt took a breath and told himself his heartrate was speeding up because of the deep and revealing discussion. “Being friends. Look, Blaine, I screwed up, and I,” he chuckled. “I _am_ screwed up, and I really don’t think I deserve the chances you’re giving me, but I’ve missed you. And I’ve missed our friendship.”

“Kurt, we’ve been friends, haven’t we?” Blaine was reaching out to hold Kurt’s other arm, his eyes shimmered with something Kurt couldn’t quite read. He tilted his head and started to reply, but Blaine kept speaking. “I mean, before Sunday, the last few weeks, haven’t we been friends?” God how it broke Kurt’s heart to see Blaine so nervous and uncertain.

“Yes! Of course, but… I don’t know, there’s, I-I feel like there’s all this pressure, like we’re supposed to get back together, and you know, it’s not that I don’t… that I don’t think about that. I mean,” and he might have blushed just a little, but if he was being honest… “I can’t lie and say I haven’t missed you in … _ways_ beyond our friendship.”

Blaine grinned and hung his head at that, then leaned forward just a little to rest his head on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt sucked in a sharp breath and kept talking. “But, look, Blaine, I…” And then Blaine looked up at him. Kurt took in their height difference, the glimmer in Blaine’s eyes, the slightly hopeful expression, the fullness of his lips, lips that were slightly parted and so very close and so incredibly kissable and Kurt snapped himself out of that line of thinking as quickly as possible. He took a step back, just a small one, and smiled at Blaine. “I can’t do casual sex, and I’m not the same person you knew in high school. We don’t even know each other now.”

“I wasn’t looking for casual, or even sex, and neither of us are 18 years old now. Sure we’ve changed, we’ve grown up, had some experiences, probably both good and bad, and yeah, those things affect us, but… Look, I see enough of who you are to tell me that I’m still interested in having you in my life. How you’re in my life has to be your choice.”

Kurt wanted to respond to that. He really did. But he just couldn’t find any words. He felt a surge of emotions he knew he wasn’t ready to deal with, but he just pulled Blaine into a hug and tried not to act like a dying man holding onto his only lifeline.


	21. Taking a Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes:  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather, tangledhair, and (for the "unspoiled reader reaction") randomactsofdouchebaggery.  
> We have reached ove 98,800 word and (holy crap) over 9,600 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 21 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 27-28). Also, I would like to note that the last half of this chapter was written back in late June/early July, when I thought it would be chapter 8 or 9, and that this whole fic would be about 35-40,000.  Wow, how that little baby’s grown, huh?  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter NC-17 for dub-con  
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

 

The Lucky One – Chapter 21: Taking a Chance

_With our hearts in our hands,_  
Like loaded guns,   
We're taking a chance,   
We're the lucky ones,   
The Lucky Ones – Brendan James

 

January 9, 2020

Kurt was worried. He was very worried, verging on frantic. It had all started when Lindsey asked if he knew where Blaine was.

“What do you mean? Isn’t he in hair and makeup?”

“No, and he’s not answering his phone. He should have been here 20 minutes ago.”

Kurt grabbed his phone to call Blaine himself. The phone rang and then went to voice mail. He hung up and tried again, calling back three times before it went directly to voice mail. “His phone’s been turned off, or it went dead.” He felt his heart pounding, his breath shallow and difficult. “This isn’t like him to be late. He, um, he probably got stuck… police action on the subway or something, right?” He looked at Lindsey pleadingly.

“Yeah, of course.” She nodded quickly and gave him a quick hug. “That’s probably it, and you know he’s forgetful about plugging his phone in. He’ll be here soon. I’m sure. But in the meantime, we should get Scott into hair and makeup. If Blaine’s not here by the time they get done, we’ll put Scott in costume to play Roger.”

“Every understudy’s dream, right?”

 

“Dahlia, wait!” Kurt called out as the dressing assistant reached for Blaine’s Act 1, Scene 1 costume. “You’ll need to get Scott’s costume. They’re not quite the same size.”

“I was just getting the scarf and glasses for him.” She motioned behind her. “He got the clothes to put on already.”

“But he’s also got the accessories with his costume. Scott’s Roger wouldn’t wear the royal blue scarf. He’d wear the plaid woven scarf. There are a few other changes – you’ll see. It should all be in the bag on the costume hanger.”

“Of course, I’m sorry.” Dahlia said as she turned away.

“No no, it’s okay.” He sighed. He always got snappy with people when he was stressed out, and not knowing if Blaine was okay was stressing him out more than he cared to admit.

Santana looked up from where she was strapping into Mimi’s shoes. “You really think their versions of Roger are that different?”

“Sure they are… Roger’s got baggage, but how it comes across is influenced by the actor’s baggage… oh god, I’m Blaine’s baggage… and Scott plays Roger a little wilder, a little less guarded… plaid is too bold for the way Blaine plays him… ”

He was talking almost absently, checking his phone three times during his explanation. He was getting more worried about Blaine now and was wondering if Trevin could handle the stage manager duties if he needed to leave.

“Hey,” Santana stood and held his arm, waiting for him to look at her. “I’m worried too. I get it.” He smiled and then her phone rang, startling them both. She checked it and glanced at him. “Unknown number.”

Kurt felt his stomach drop.

“Hello? Blaine, where the hell are you? Are you all right?”

Kurt felt immediate relief, but was still a little tense until Santana nodded at him to say Blaine was all right.

“Wait, you got arrested?”

_What?_

“Oh, reporting what? …” Santana’s eyes got huge and she put her free hand up over her mouth. “Oh god! Blaine, are you sure you’re all right?”

“What happened?” He hated it when people interrupted, but he couldn’t help himself.

Santana put her hand over the bottom of the phone and quietly said “he’s okay, but he was mugged,” before turning slightly and listening to Blaine. “Okay. Are you sure? I mean, we can get my understudy or something and… I’ll tell her.” She made a slight surprised squeak as she listened, then a low chuckle. “Yeah, that too. Be careful, sweetie.”

Kurt could barely wait for them to disconnect before asking for details.

“He said two guys mugged him, and he thinks there was a gun. He gave them his wallet, phone, watch. That’s why we couldn’t reach him. He went to the police and he says it’ll be a little bit, and then he’s coming here.”

That didn’t make sense. “Why would he come here that late? He won’t even make it by intermission if he’s still filling out papers.” Kurt was fidgeting with the measuring tape he’d absently grabbed from his quick-fix station, rolling it up into a little spiral as he talked.

Santana smiled at him. “He wants to see people, I guess? You know, scary situation, you want to be around people that make you calm or happy or something?”

“Right. Of course.” Kurt grabbed a handful of his hair in a burst of nerves. God he was a wreck. “Are you sure he’s okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. I just need to go find Lindsey or Sara. He wanted me to tell them what happened,” she turned away briefly and then looked back at Kurt. “He really is okay. Maybe you should have a drink of water and sit down for a minute.”

“Yeah, I, uh…” He wasn’t panicking, but he was having trouble thinking clearly. He reached for his water bottle as Santana stepped closer and put her hand on his shoulder.

“I know it’s scary, but he called, and he said he’s okay. He’ll be here later, and Kurt? He said to tell you he’d be glad to see you.” She smiled at what he knew must have been a dumbstruck expression.

“Thanks.” She’d already walked away before he got around to saying it, but he’d tell her later. Now he just needed to breathe.

 

Blaine gripped the phone tightly, willing himself to stop shaking as he told Santana what had happened.

“Okay. Are you sure?” It was good just to hear a familiar voice, and Santana continued before he could answer her. “I mean, we can get my understudy or something and…”

“I’m sure, San. Just- make sure Sara knows what happened so she doesn’t think I just flaked.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“And tell Kurt…” Blaine paused, taking a breath, “tell him I,” he heard Santana’s reaction and realized that was not the way to do this. “No, just… tell him I’ll be glad to see him when I get there.”

Santana laughed gently as if she knew exactly what he wanted to say. “Yeah, that too. Be careful, sweetie.”

“I will.” He was visibly calmer by the time he hung up the phone, but he spent the next 40 or 50 minutes still in a bit of a daze. He answered questions, gazed at mug shots, filled out paperwork, and signed his statement, all the while thinking about Kurt.

Once the police finally determined he’d spent enough of his time there, Blaine realized he had no way to get to the theatre unless he walked. He just wanted to get there, to see Kurt. He thanked the officer profusely when he was offered a ride, since they knew he had no money or anything on him after the mugging. All he’d been able to think about when he saw the gun pointed toward him was that he wanted one more chance to tell Kurt he loved him. Blaine spent most of the ride to the theatre thinking about that, wondering if it would be a bad decision. He didn’t want to scare Kurt away or make him feel pressured, but this, this day had made him think. If he could be threatened on the sidewalk in broad daylight, anything was possible. He couldn’t stand the thought of Kurt not knowing…

“Hey, kid!” Blaine jerked his head up, realizing the officer had reached the front of the theatre and was waiting for him to get out.

“Sorry. Thanks.” He climbed out of the car, heart pounding now that he was actually here and about to see Kurt. As he slowly walked around to the back of the building, he felt like the fear and nerves of the mugging were finally catching up with him now that he wasn’t caught in the midst of it or the drone of filing a report. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Blaine opened the back door and slid into the darkness of the prop storage space.

As he worked his way toward the wings, he heard Rachel and Miki singing “Take Me or Leave Me” and thought about where Kurt would likely be during this part of the show. Before he could start looking, Santana came around the corner and smiled at him. “Your timing is perfect, sweetie. Trevin just took the bible from Kurt and we sent him to his studio to wait for you. He’s been distracted.” She pulled him in for a hug. “I’m glad you’re here, and safe. Now go prove it to Kurt. I gotta run.” She kissed him on the cheek and ran off for her next cue before Blaine could do more than mutter “thanks?” after her.

Blaine made quick time to the studio and was still a few feet from the doorway when he heard Kurt call out to him.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s feet nearly flew out from under him as he rounded the door, and Blaine would remember until his dying day the way Kurt’s eyes looked when they saw each other. “Oh god, Blaine.” And Blaine started wondering if he was moving significantly slower than the rest of the world because again he couldn’t speak or react before he was caught up in a hug. He couldn’t tell which of them was trembling, or which of them was breathing in short bursts, but he could feel an urgency in this hug that he hadn’t gotten from Santana. He held Kurt snugly, relishing the feel of having him so close, getting a new mental imprint of Kurt’s shape and smell and feel just in case it was his last chance. He couldn’t help but wonder, and maybe hope just a little, that Kurt was doing the same.

“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m fine. I didn’t get hurt or anything. Just… just scared. But look, I’m okay.” He pulled his head back just enough to lock eyes with Kurt, not an easy task considering how tightly they were holding each other. Kurt met his eyes, though, and Blaine saw those swirls of blue and green and gold that always made him think of lightning-lit shorelines. He saw the smile in Kurt’s eyes before he noticed it on his lips.

“I’m… I’m really glad you’re okay.” Kurt assured him. “I had a feeling, I just, you didn’t answer your phone when I called and I knew something had to be wrong. God, Blaine, you’re really okay?”

Blaine squeezed slightly and held Kurt’s gaze steadily as he answered “I’m really okay,” before pressing their foreheads together. “I’m really okay,” he said again, more to himself than anything. He felt like he could always be okay if he could always have Kurt.

 

Blaine found himself challenged just a couple hours later when he and Kurt had parted ways and gone to their own homes. Of course, it was logical, it was expected. Why would they have done any differently? Maybe if they’d been dating, they would have stayed together, clung to each other all night, just grateful to still be there in each other’s arms. But they weren’t dating, so they’d hugged and smiled and said good night and now Blaine was sitting in his room wishing Kurt were there.

He grabbed his laptop hoping something online would distract him from being alone. He was feeling far too antsy to go to sleep yet. Blaine lost some time browsing his favorite news and entertainment sites and nearly jumped out of his skin when the computer chimed and a chat box popped up for Kurt.

_Kurt: I know it’s probably silly, but I kind of wish you were here right now. Just because, you know, nerves, and stuff._

He couldn’t help it – just knowing Kurt was thinking that was enough to make him smile like a love-sick puppy.

_Blaine: It’s not silly. I was just thinking the same thing, actually. It’s nice to know you’re there. Reachable._

He watched nervously as Kurt typed a reply, especially when he saw the typing pause for a minute or two.

_Kurt: Same here. I’m really glad you auditioned, Blaine._

Blaine couldn’t hide his pleasure at that. Kurt was glad about their friendship, that they had reconnected. This was nothing but good.

_Blaine: So am I. So very glad. And Kurt? Thank you._

_Kurt: For what?_

_Blaine: Opening up to me… again. I know the anxiety makes it really hard to share with people, and I want you to know I appreciate that you’re willing to share with me._

_Kurt: I might not be able to say this in person, but I can type here that sometimes it’s easier to share with you than anyone else, ever. Sometimes I feel like I have to concentrate so I don’t share too much._

_Blaine: There is no ‘too much’ for me, Kurt. I promise. You can share anything with me._

_Kurt: I know. And thank YOU for that. You don’t know what it means to me._

_Blaine: I think the day is catching up with me now. I’m really beat. Thanks for chatting. It helped me relax. Want to meet for coffee tomorrow, 10:00?_

_Blaine: Actually, make it 10:30 so I can pick up a replacement phone first._

_Kurt: Sounds good. See you there. Good night, Blaine._

_Blaine: Good night, Kurt._

_Blaine: Oh by the way, I’m really sorry I couldn’t answer when you called me._

_Kurt: Seriously, Blaine? It doesn’t count as breaking a promise when the reason you didn’t answer is that your phone was stolen in a mugging!_

_Kurt: But it’s sweet of you to apologize for it anyway._

_Blaine: I love you_

“Shit!” He hadn’t meant to type that. He’d done so well all night, despite his fears and his racing thoughts and his heightened emotions, and now when they were about to say goodnight, now his fingers decide to ramble off what he’d tried so hard not to say. He sat with his hands over the keys, waiting, wondering if he should add to it, apologize for it, repeat it? No, definitely don’t repeat it. Not now. That would just be dumb. Instead he just sat there, staring at the computer screen, trying not to count the seconds between the little “Kurt is typing…” messages, trying not to stress about how long it was taking Kurt to formulate a response to him. It could mean anything, and Blaine didn’t want to imagine possible responses because he was so afraid of getting a negative one.

Finally, more than three and a half minutes later, the message popped up.

_Kurt: I love you too._

Well, that may have taken some time for Kurt to type – and he couldn’t help but wonder what Kurt might have typed and erased – but it was good, and Blaine determined that he was going to accept it for what it was (reassurance from a friend after a scary event) and not dwell on what it “might be” or what he wished it was.

_Kurt: And now, good night._ _J_

_Blaine: Good night._

 

February 2, 2020

They’d managed to put a lot of things behind them and act like friends again. Not that it was an act – there was nothing false about their friendship (unless you count unresolved sexual tension that’s never really acknowledged to be a falsehood). Kurt had worried about what would happen after the cast party… but they’d been very calm about it and he found he was more and more relaxed around Blaine now. They had an understanding, and there was no pressure. Since their talk after Christmas, and especially since the mugging that scared them both more than they wanted to admit, they got together for coffee, texted, talked at work, saw each other socially. Kurt was starting to get comfortable with the idea that they had really become friends again. He didn’t know what might come from here, but at least he had Blaine as his best friend. This particular Monday, while the theatre was dark, they’d decided to spend the afternoon together. They met at Gray’s Papaya, Kurt trying not to let on just how much he adored the cheap hot dogs.

They wandered toward the park, toward the Shakespeare Garden, Kurt’s favorite area. He loved the details in the benches and bridges, the curved stone stairway with the rustic wooden railing, the variety of plants, some of which were starting to bloom now. Kurt offered a silent smile to one of the plaques posted. He loved how much creative energy there was in this garden, and how peaceful it was with its Quiet Zone designation and fewer visitors than other areas. As they walked along one of the paths toward the theatre, they were both silent for a few minutes, just enjoying the afternoon. Kurt pulled his jacket closer in front, grateful for the extra layer as this had proven to be a slightly cool day, but not bad for February.

Kurt jumped and yelped as a very large beetle, unusual for this time of year, flew out of a tree and nearly hit him in the face. It fell to the ground and sat still for a moment, possibly stunned, though Blaine imagined it was pondering its next move. It fluttered its wings showing a flash of blue-green and started walking across the path. When Kurt jumped, Blaine had reacted on instinct, stepping partially in front of him to wrap Kurt in his arms protectively. They didn’t realize until after the beetle started walking that they were still holding each other.

“Didn’t you wear that broach at graduation?” Blaine gestured toward the thing with his head and smiled at Kurt as they both laughed at the absurdity. Kurt pretended to look offended but he was smiling a little too much.

After a just a moment, Kurt stepped back, looking down and pulling in on himself. It was only then, when Kurt’s posture suddenly struck a chord, reminiscent of a few months ago when they’d first met again, that Blaine realized just how much Kurt had changed. Seeing his anxiety manifest in his mannerisms showed Blaine just how relaxed Kurt had been since Christmas – with the obvious exception of the night of the mugging. Over the past few months, Kurt had regained his tall, proud posture and open body language, but now he looked like he wanted to disappear.

Thinking about their conversation, Blaine suspected Kurt’s sudden anxiety was because of their past. They’d been so busy getting to know each other again and just being happy spending time together that they hardly spoke of the past at all. The mention of graduation must have reminded Kurt of everything that followed it, including their breakup, including whatever – _whoever_ – led to their breakup.

“Kurt…” He hesitated, nervous about bringing this up, but he felt it was necessary. “Can I ask you something? Something… _important_?”

Kurt sighed and nodded. “Sure. I had a feeling it was about that time.” He gave Blaine a little smile as they walked over to a nearby bench and sat down together.

Blaine looked around restlessly, making sure they had privacy and quietly psyching himself up for it. “Could you please tell me why you broke up with me? I know we’re just friends now, but I… I’d really like to know what happened.”

Kurt looked at the ground and took a couple slow breaths. Blaine thought maybe he was trying to stay calm, and hoped he hadn’t made Kurt angry with his question. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was the same thing making Kurt act different, the same thing keeping them apart if he was reading Kurt’s unspoken feelings right. Finally, Kurt looked up, searching Blaine’s eyes, for what – Blaine didn’t know, but he just waited, patiently, openly. Kurt seemed to find what he was looking for because he nodded decisively, closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, and started to speak.

“I was at this party, for work, and I had a couple drinks and was talking to this guy, Brad. He started talking to me about clothes and stuff, I think he was hoping I could get him a modeling gig, but then we were dancing. I … god, Blaine, I can’t really tell you this. You don’t want to hear this.”

“I need to know, Kurt. Whatever happened, I need to know. It’s been eating me alive for seven years. Please tell me why.” Blaine looked at Kurt, raising his chin with one finger and covering Kurt’s hand with his own. “I know it’s in the past. It’s over. I don’t want to get upset about it, or have it cause more problems now. I just want to know what it was. I … I need to know what I did so I can avoid it if I’m ever that lucky again.”

Kurt swallowed hard and whispered, “You didn’t do anything, Blaine. That’s why I had to break up with you.”

“Kurt, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, but it would if you knew, and I’d rather it not make sense to you.”

“You’re talking in riddles now. I promise, I won’t get upset about it or take it personally.”

Kurt took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and quickly rattled out the words like they were poison. “I was with someone at that work party, and I couldn’t face you, or anyone, really, so I just pulled away. I’ve only ever told that to Tom and Lindsey.”

Blaine sighed. It didn’t hurt as much as he’d thought it would, and yet it hurt more than it should have, and before he could get lost in trying to figure that out, he focused his attention on Kurt. Kurt was perched on the edge of the bench, as if getting ready to run away. He felt Kurt’s hand clench under his and heard the increase in his breathing rate. He instinctively reached up to run his hand soothingly across Kurt’s shoulders. “Hey, Kurt, it’s okay. Look, I – I kinda figured there was someone else. I’m not mad, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I had a long time to deal with my feelings, you know? I mean I hate the idea that you, that… but you didn’t, like, see someone behind my back for years, you know? I just want to know why? What was wrong with us? If I was too boring for you, or not as good looking as the models, or whatever, I just want to know. I love that we’re friends again, Kurt. You’re still my best friend, and I don’t want to lose that, ever again. Hell, in the spirit of full disclosure, I’d like us to be together again, but, Kurt, it’s like, sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for a bomb to explode, like I’m just suddenly going to lose you again, and it’s hard to not believe that when I don’t know what took you out of my life the first time.”

Kurt took a few deep breaths as Blaine spoke and finally looked up to meet his eyes near the end. It was that tiny hint of amusement in Kurt’s eyes that made Blaine realize he was rambling. It also made him realize he was quickly falling in love harder than ever. And he’d have to think about _that_ later because Kurt was finally talking to him.

“It wasn’t you at all, Blaine. I didn’t want him!” That got Blaine’s attention in a worrisome way.

“Kurt?” He reached out, thinking surely Kurt didn’t mean it like it sounded.

“Look, I made some stupid choices, and I was weak and it was wrong. If you really want to know why I cheated, I’ll try to tell you, but you have to just let me explain the whole thing before you interrupt me.” He was talking quickly, like if he didn’t get this out now, it could get stuck. “I – I’ve never talked to anyone about it. It was just… I knew I was wrong, and I screwed up and had to let you go, and I knew it would suck, but talking about it wouldn’t make it any better. I mean, even the little bit I’ve talked about with Tom or Lindsey, that didn’t happen until the last few months, after we met again. Hell, I tried not to think about it for years. I’m – I’m ready to tell you. I’ve been thinking about it anyway, but… it’s not … look, I don’t really know what I’m going to say, but if you want to know, then you have to be ready to hear.”

Blaine stayed silent, but gave Kurt a nod to let him know that he was ready.

 

November 2, 2012

Kurt wasn’t quite sure how he ended up in the dimly lit and relatively quiet bedroom. He could still hear the party going on in the rest of the house, and he was fairly certain he heard Elaine’s distinctive laugh not far from the bedroom door. The guy standing with him (Bill? Brian? He thought it started with a B, anyway) was reaching for his cup, and Kurt decided he had probably had enough to drink, though he was pretty sure that was only his second one. ‘They must be mixing the drinks strong tonight’ he thought as he released the cup to … Ben? Brendon? Bruce? Definitely not Blaine.

“I think I should go,” he started to move toward the door but the guy must have put their drinks down when Kurt wasn’t looking and he now had Kurt trapped between his arms and the closet door. “I’m sorry, um… B…randon?”

“Brad, and there’s nothing to be sorry for sweetcheeks.” Brad grinned at him and began running one hand up and down Kurt’s bicep. Kurt shivered a little at the contact, surprised at just how _much_ he felt it.

“No, really, _Brad._ ” He wanted to make sure to remember that. It would be rude to not remember the guy’s name so soon after being told again. “I – I have to get going.”

“Nah, the party’s just getting started.” That hand went slowly back up Kurt’s bicep, across his shoulder, and began gently caressing at the juncture of his neck and collarbone. Kurt couldn’t stop the sharp intake of his breath, and before he realized it, he was closing his eyes and leaning into the touch just a little bit. “That’s it, just relax and enjoy it,” Brad whispered just before his lips followed his fingers. Kurt keened at the touch and felt his blood start to race as he became intently aware of the kisses down the side of his neck and brushing the top of his collarbone.

“Blai… Blaine!”

“No, Brad. But you keep moaning like that and you can call me anything you want.”

Kurt opened his eyes and tried to stand straighter, tried to move toward the door again. “No, I mean - I have a boyfriend, his name is Blaine.” He hoped he could get Brad to listen, to move back and stop confusing him like this. He didn’t want anyone but Blaine. He couldn’t understand why he was reacting like this, but he felt more turned on than he had in a very long while. He missed Blaine, and this guy’s curly hair felt like Blaine’s. It wasn’t the right shade, Brad’s was more auburn than brown, but it felt the same and when had he started feeling this guy’s hair anyway? Kurt pulled his hand back quickly, but somehow Brad caught it and started pressing kisses along the inside of his arm, flicking his tongue over the sensitive inner crease of Kurt’s elbow. Kurt was barely aware of the tiny whimper he let out then. “Why does everything feel so good?”

He heard Brad mumble something about “not replacing your boyfriend, but he’s not here right now” and “enjoy the ex, it makes everything better,” and Kurt couldn’t understand what Brad’s ex-boyfriend had to do with it. He’d tried to ask, but Brad was kissing him then and he was so caught in the tangle of “not-Blaine-not-Blaine-stop-stop-not-Blaine” and “oh-my-god-this-is-so-amazing-and-how-hot-is-this-yes-please-there-again-guh” that he had no room for other thoughts. He moaned slightly when Brad gripped his ass and squeezed.

 

February 2, 2020

Kurt stopped talking and gazed off into the distance, as if lost in the rest of those memories. Blaine thought about what he’d heard and decided he had to ask a few questions, to hopefully ease his fears.

“Kurt, I want you to know that I’m still here for you, I don’t think you’re a bad person and I don’t hate you, okay?”

“Okay” Kurt’s voice was barely above a whisper and Blaine had never seen him look this way. He looked completely disgusted with himself, pulled in, avoiding any contact or openness, scowling as he spoke like he hated himself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get too detailed…”

“Sshhhh, it’s okay. I mean, you didn’t really, you just kinda trailed off. I’m sorry if my questions are upsetting you, but there’s something important I need to ask.” Blaine rested a hand on Kurt’s forearm and gave a little squeeze. “Does this mean you broke up with me because you found someone else?”

“No!” Kurt looked up, wide-eyed as he denied that. “No, he wasn’t… it wasn’t _someone else_ … it was just that night. I didn’t want… I mean, I didn’t… I wasn’t _with_ him.”

“And you said the drinks were strong?”

“I guess they were. I remember having two drinks, and I didn’t even finish the second one, after he took it, when… in the room.”

“And you asked why everything felt so good?”

“I was thinking it. I guess I said it. Why do you want these details? Isn’t it bad enough that I cheated on you? Do you really want me to tell you all about it? Would you have liked to see pictures, too?” Kurt was getting snippy, and Blaine still thought he knew Kurt well enough to know that meant he was really beating himself up right now. But there was one more question, and he hoped he was wrong about it.

“Kurt, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to ask for those kinds of details, but you said he told you about some X? Have you told your therapist about this?”

“What? No, it never came up in therapy. I mean, not the details. And yeah, he said something… I don’t know, I was confused. I was thinking of you.” His head dropped back down in shame and he muttered so quietly Blaine had to strain to hear him. “Thinking that I didn’t even want it. That sex isn’t worth it without the love. That sex isn’t worth it without _you_. I didn’t even want it, so why did I do it?”

“Kurt, honey, did you tell him no?”

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, and a tear dropped from the left one. He shook his head no. “I wanted to, but I kept forgetting because it felt so… good, hot, exciting. When he wasn’t touching me I wanted to be with you, but whenever he touched me I just wanted more because it… I can’t explain it.”

 “You said everything felt really, really good and you felt like your skin was way more sensitive than normal? Like you were just really happy and music was more intense and textures were more pleasing?”

“Um, yeah.” Kurt looked confused now, and Blaine felt his heart lurch in his chest as the pieces clicked into place.

“Oh god, baby. Oh god.” Blaine pulled Kurt to him, holding him tightly and whispering soothing sounds.

“I don’t understand.” Kurt pushed against Blaine, trying to pull away just a little, but still too ashamed to make eye contact. “I tell you I cheated on you, and you try to comfort me?”

Blaine sat straighter, pulling one of Kurt’s hands out from where he had it tucked tightly under his other arm. He held that hand, running a thumb over the back of it. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and every time he thought about what he’d just pieced together he thought he might lose his lunch. He took a deep breath and reached out to touch Kurt’s cheek with his free hand.

“I need you to look at me.” He waited until Kurt made eye contact. This was quite possibly the hardest thing Blaine had ever had to do. “Kurt, I… Okay, I’m just going by what you said, okay? The way you told me what happened. And what you said was that you wondered why everything felt so good and he said ‘enjoy the X.’ ”

“Yes, Blaine. I don’t know why his…” something flickered in Kurt’s eyes then, a sudden shift in his understanding, and Blaine saw his eyes turn slightly darker and wider, saw his breathing speed up, felt his hand tighten. “He wasn’t talking about an ex-boyfriend, was he?”

“I don’t think so, Kurt.” He was almost relieved that Kurt realized it himself. He didn’t know what to say. But before he could move into what he expected would be the next phase of this, Kurt was pulling his hand away.

“It doesn’t matter. I still… I still did that. I cheated on you. I didn’t want you to know because I hoped someday maybe we could be friends again, and I know you could never forgive that. I didn’t think I’d ever do that, but after how upset you were about Chandler, I… I just couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

Blaine took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Kurt, wait. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Blaine, I was there. I know what I… what I did, and…” He pressed his lips together, blinking quickly as if trying to fight back more tears. “And what I let him do.”

Blaine grabbed Kurt by the shoulders then, lovingly but firmly forcing them into a face-to-face position. “Kurt, listen. He drugged you. Without your consent. Without your knowledge. And then he took advantage of you when you were not yourself. That’s not cheating, Kurt.” He took in a jagged breath as Kurt finally looked him in the eye. His voice broke as he forced himself to finish. “That’s rape.”


	22. There's Nothing Left to Lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes:  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter: poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery.  
> We have reached over 100,000 words and over 8,000 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 22 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 28).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter NC-17 for dub-con  
> Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Twenty-Two: There’s Nothing Left to Lose

 _We are the lucky ones in the final days of the dying sun,_  
Move across the shifting sands  
‘cos there’s nothing left to lose.  
~ The Lucky Ones by Amy Studt

_Blaine grabbed Kurt by the shoulders then, lovingly but firmly forcing them into a face to face position. “Kurt, listen. He drugged you. Without your consent. Without your knowledge. And then he took advantage of you when you were not yourself. That’s not cheating, Kurt.” He took in a jagged breath as Kurt finally looked him in the eye. His voice broke as he forced himself to finish. “That’s rape.”_

 

February 2, 2020

Kurt blinked. He’d heard the words, saw Blaine’s lips move as he said them, but he couldn’t make it make sense in his mind. He remembered the way he reacted to Brad’s actions, remembered how he’d moaned when he took Brad’s dick in his mouth even while his mind had compared it to Blaine’s and asked what he was doing. He remembered how he’d gotten harder when Brad held him down and whispered roughly in his ear, how he’d …

 

November 2, 2012

The music feels like it’s seeping into my pores. Rhianna has never seemed more like a goddess than right now and I’m moving to the music and I hear that little bit from Smooth Criminal in the background and it reminds me of Michael week in school and Blaine and how that asshole nearly blinded him. Oh, there’s a body behind me; god I wish it was Blaine. Hey, hands, oh god that feels good. He’s pulling me closer to him, and when I put my hand back I feel the curls in his hair like the few times I ever got to touch Blaine’s hair when it’s not slicked down to his head. I’m still swaying to the music and I feel him moving right along with me, slowing down as the song fades out and shifting rhythm as Ke$ha laughs and the heavy beat of “Blow” starts. I feel like Blaine’s right there with me; I can feel his hands up and down my chest and sneaking toward my button-fly as we’re dancing, but when I turn to give him a kiss it’s not Blaine.

“Um, sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m Brad. I was having fun.”

“Kurt.” I mean to leave; I even step away for a second, but the music is so good, and I’m so in tune with it that I can’t help dancing, and Brad’s just dancing along with me. And the song changes again and we’re still dancing together. I’m lost in the feelings and I can almost see the music and taste the dancing, and I can just feel everything so much and when the guy pulls me closer and sings along with the song, “but fuck who you want and fuck who you like,” I start to think he’s into more than dancing. And suddenly his hand is on my ass, and I’m hard pretty much immediately. It’s so possessive and so unexpected and so fucking hot, and I feel my hips twitch forward and I groan when I feel that he’s hard too.

“I… wait a minute. I need, um, I need a minute.” I can’t find words. I just want to get lost in these feelings, but not here; not with him. I feel out of control and it turns me on just a little, but I don’t want to feel out of control with someone I don’t know. That’s scary. I need air. I put a hand against his chest and step back. I can think more when I’m not touching anything, anyone. I feel the beat of the music and I can almost see little trails of energy coming off the crowd. Everyone seems so happy, so… connected, so very comfortable there. It makes me feel better, and I let myself get lost in the music again, close my eyes and let my shoulders sway and my hips pop to the beat. This is good; this is here and right now and me and music and dancing. This is what I’m meant to do, where I feel alive, and with Blaine – with Blaine I feel alive, too, and music with Blaine is amazing. This music is amazing, too, like better than I’ve ever noticed. I feel the hands moving around me again, but I’m so lost in the music I just catalogue it as part of the dancing.

The music gets quieter and I feel the wall behind me. I don’t remember moving that much, but the music just lets me float on it. So I figure I must have floated to the edge of the room. I open my eyes and I see I’m in a bedroom, and the guy is there with me. I hear the music through the door and people talking, but it’s all blurred together. I hear the shrill maniacal giggle that I think Elaine must have adopted from Kim Possible cartoons I won’t admit I’m familiar with. Somewhere out there I think someone’s probably performing with the “Moves Like Jagger” I can hear now.

Bill or Brian or whatever B-name person is reaching for my cup. I realize then that Ben maybe, or Bryce is the same guy who was mixing drinks earlier when I ordered my first one. I’m pretty sure this is only my second, but they must be mixing the drinks strong tonight because I feel more than one-and-a-half-White-Russians drunk. I giggle a little because that’s a funny way to phrase it, and Brendon or Bruce – definitely not Blaine – puts his arm against the wall right next to me.

“I think I should go.” I turn to leave, but his other arm is already there. I feel my heart race a little and my dick twitches slightly, too. I shake my head because, wow, I don’t have time for that weirdness. “I’m sorry, um… B…randon?” I’m just gonna go back to the dancing and get lost in the music again.

“Brad, and there’s nothing to be sorry for, sweetcheeks.” I can feel him touching me again, running his hand up and down my arm. I feel a shiver move up my spine and I’m surprised at how intense it is. But no one’s ever made me feel like this but Blaine.

I try really hard to think about what he said and not what he’s doing to me as his hand slides down and circles just above my elbow, squeezing assertively, and suddenly I feel drunker again, like something’s just amplifying my feelings. “No, really, _Brad._ ” I’m pretty sure I got his name right. I ignore his hands and try to move away because he’s not Blaine, no matter how good he feels. “I– I have to get going.”

“Nah, the party’s just getting started.” I feel him moving his hand up again, and over my shoulder. His thumb brushes across my skin and I feel myself lean into it, closing my eyes and wishing for more. The touch sends shivers through me, elicits thrills that shoot straight to my groin.

“That’s it, just relax and enjoy it,” I hear him whisper and then I feel his lips against me. He’s scruffy, more than Blaine ever gets, and the sensation of the rough whiskers contrasts against the soft, pillowy lips and warm, wet tongue caressing my neck and jaw. I hear myself making sounds, but I’m just so entranced by the feelings. My blood is racing along with fast-paced dance music, and he moves down again, kissing my collarbone, and I think I feel his hands on the buttons of my shirt.

“Blai… Blaine!” I’m trying to remind myself why this is bad. It feels so good, so very damned good, but I keep thinking about Blaine. I’m not supposed to do this to Blaine. I’m not supposed to do this _without_ Blaine!

“No, Brad. But you keep moaning like that and you can call me anything you want.”

I tell my body to move, to stop leaning on the wall, to stop leaning into Brad’s touch, but it doesn’t seem to listen to me. I feel like I’m on fire, and even if I leave here now, I won’t be able to do anything but go straight to the bathroom and take care of this raging hard-on. I’m trying to tell him “No, I mean- I have a boyfriend. His name is Blaine.”

I can’t remember ever being so turned on, and when he presses me against the wall just a little bit, my libido takes it up another notch. I feel like there’s a little part of my brain sitting back watching, like the angel on my shoulder is shaking his head at me and being super disappointed because we both know I don’t get this turned on with Blaine and that just feels wrong. And then there’s his curly hair again. It’s not the right color, but if I keep my eyes closed I can almost pretend he’s Blaine. But I don’t want to do that. That would be wrong. I try to tell myself to stop this but then he’s holding onto my wrist, and god help me, but it turns me on more.

He says, “Not replacing your boyfriend, but he’s not here right now,” and puts his mouth back on my shoulder, and fuck, when did he start taking off my shirt? If there’s an angel on my shoulder, the devil must have taken over because this feels so good I can’t think of anything else. He’s kissing my arm, flicking his tongue over the inside of my elbow and damn that feels amazing. It shoots like electricity through my heart and my spine and — fuck — and my dick.

“Why does everything feel so good?” I think I’ve asked that already, but it’s all I can think about for more than a second or two. It’s just so… deep, like the feelings are inside me instead of happening to me. I sound like an idiot, but maybe we’re both drunk because he’s talking about his ex-boyfriend now and I don’t even know who that is.

“Enjoy the ex. It makes everything better,” and then Brad’s kissing me.

And I’m thinking _not-Blaine-not-Blaine-stop-stop-not-Blaine_ until his tongue flicks across my lips _oh-my-god-this-is-so-amazing-and-how-hot-is-this-yes-please-there-again-guh_ because one hand is unbuttoning my jeans while the other one is still holding my wrist possessively _really shouldn’t be_ and he grabs my ass and squeezes and I feel the moan vibrate our mouths as we’re still kissing _fuck even that feels hot,_ and I feel our hips grinding together, a private, underwear-only version of the dancing we’d done in the other room. My pulse races when he reaches up and yanks my head back by my hair. The tension and slight pain feel really good, and I find myself quickly wondering what it would be like if he did more, if he were rough.

The little angel that’s quickly losing his voice and disappearing suggests that I’m screwed up to be thinking such things, but every nerve in my body is tingling with anticipation when he sucks and licks across my chest and neck before he flips us so he’s leaning against the wall and I’m on my knees in front of him. I’ve done this for Blaine, of course, but I never thought I’d want to do it to anyone else. I never thought I would moan in pleasure at the weight and taste of a stranger’s cock in my mouth.

I feel kind of fuzzy and swirly, like time isn’t flowing evenly anymore because things are all a haze with moments where I focus on sucking him off or feeling him bite my shoulder or when he shoves me toward the bed.

My heart races while I’m hugging my knees and laying on them too. He’s kissing down my back and with one hand on the back of my neck I just get lost in the feelings and the vibrations I can still hear from the music. I feel like I’m buzzing all over and I get shivers just from the movement of fabric as he pulls my briefs down over my ass and starts licking me. Oh god, why have I never done that before? I don’t know anything that feels like a warm, wet, tongue poking inside me, tasting, slicking, stimulating. Just flicking across my hole I can feel so much.

I get lost in that haze of amazing feeling until I remember for a second that I’m not supposed to be doing this. I feel so guilty and I feel a dry sob just before he pushes me down and straddles my legs. I start to reach up to my face, feeling so bad about doing this to Blaine, and Brad grabs my arm and pulls it behind me, holding me down with my wrist in the middle of my back. I feel like I should be mad at him for that, like maybe he’s crossing some kind of line, but damn, it makes me hot. I can actually feel my ass raising up toward him as he presses harder, and the only reason I force it down is to get some friction from the bed. I’m so hard it hurts and he pulls on one hipbone as he leans down to growl in my ear, “Uh-uh. You don’t want to come yet. Ride it out.” And as he speaks, I stop fighting him. He scrapes his blunt nails over my ass and all the way up my back. He grabs my other hand and grips them both behind my back and I hear the click of a lube bottle.

The nerves seem to send fireworks to my brain as he stimulates and stretches me, and the way he holds me and flips me over to my back, my arms now underneath me, it makes my blood burn in a way I hadn’t known it could, and it scares me. By the time he finally stops teasing and taunting me I’m literally begging for it, and even in that state I can recognize the irony that I first begged him to stop and then begged him not to, and he really didn’t listen either time. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a split personality — an ironic question when the song I hear through the wall is “Only Girl in the World.” I am overwhelmed with sensation and pleasure and _dear fucking god this is amazing_ and every brush of his cock and every tightening of his hands makes me hotter right now. But Blaine, and guilt, and _dear god what’s wrong with me?_

November 3, 2012

I guess I fell asleep at some point, or maybe I passed out? I don’t remember drinking enough to pass out, but I’m awake now, and naked, with this guy… Brad. Right, oh fuck, what have I done?

I vaguely remember vomiting, dressing, and staggering home, knowing that everyone in the streets recognized the walk of shame in front of them. I had never been happier to find Santana out of the apartment. I had to think.

No, really, there was nothing to think about. I couldn’t face Blaine after what I’d done. I knew what some flirty texts had done to him, to us. This was the end. But maybe I could spare Blaine a little bit of the pain by not telling him why. It would be like salt in a wound, right? I can’t do that to him. It’s mid-afternoon already, and I can’t wait until our Skype date that night; that would be worse somehow. I just have to call him now. This is it. I’ve screwed up and I’ve lost Blaine.

 

February 2, 2020

Kurt blinked his eyes a few times and came to the sudden understanding that he was not actually sitting in his apartment with Santana about to call Blaine and break up with him. That had been a long time ago, and much as he couldn’t quite believe it, all signs seemed to point to a current reality of him sitting in the park with Blaine holding him through what must have been another panic attack. He was trembling, still so caught up in the conflicting feelings and racing heartbeat of those memories, memories that felt so real and immediate he couldn’t quite shake them now.

He’d been drugged. It seemed so obvious now that he thought about it, but at the time… right, that’s the thing to remember. He enjoyed it.

“It’s not…, Blaine, it wasn’t like that. I- God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I enjoyed it.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the memories, trying not to think about Brad again because it was too easy to get lost in the intensity, just like he’d gotten lost in it the first time. “I mean, I told him about you, and I was going to leave, but it just felt so good and I gave in because I’m weak and, god, Blaine, you didn’t deserve that.”

“Shhhh.” Blaine held him tighter, running a soothing hand over Kurt’s hair and murmured reassuring nonsensical sounds. Kurt closed his eyes and focused on his breath, trying to stay calm. “It’s okay. You’re not weak, Kurt. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and things like this just prove that over and over again.”

This caught his attention. He raised an eyebrow in disbelief and looked at Blaine skeptically. “You’re just trying to distract me or something, aren’t you? I appreciate it, but I’d rather not have you making things up.”

“I’m not! Kurt, you deal with so much, all the time, and you’ve been doing it alone for a long time. I don’t want you to be alone anymore. You don’t have to face this by yourself. That’s what friends are for, remember?” He held Kurt steady, watching his expression and nodding to emphasize the words.

“I’ll try. That’s all I can offer right now.”

“Good. That’s good enough.” He pulled Kurt close again, caressing his back and kissing his head. “Kurt.” His voice shook with emotion and Kurt suddenly realized why when his mind replayed those words from Blaine: _That’s rape_.

“Listen Kurt, I know it’s hard to hear, honey, but if you didn’t want it and consent to it, then it’s rape.” Kurt started to respond, but Blaine anticipated and placed a single finger over Kurt’s lips. “I know you said you enjoyed it,” and he could hear the pain in Blaine’s voice there, and felt his heart break a little at being the cause of that pain. “But Kurt, someone put X in your drink. You know what X is short for? Ecstasy. It makes things feel good! That doesn’t displace the question of consent. And the blame to whoever spiked your drink.”

“It was him. He was the bartender that made my first drink.” Kurt was just barely audible, even to his own ears, but he could tell Blaine heard him by the sharp intake of breath and the whispered curse.

Kurt wasn’t sure how much longer they sat there, but he was grateful that Blaine didn’t push him to talk, or to get up, or anything. When his heart slowed again and he stopped feeling like he was in the wrong skin – a process that seemed much faster when Blaine was holding him – he sat up slowly, offering a small smile to Blaine, and tried to brace himself for whatever reaction he might get.

“What can I do to help you feel safer right now? Do you need space, or do you want me to stay? Is there anything that I can do?” Blaine held his hand and asked these questions earnestly, his concern for Kurt evident in everything about him.

Kurt couldn’t help but smile a little bigger. Blaine didn’t seem upset with Kurt at all, which, confusing as it was, it also made him feel a lot better. And if that weren’t enough, he somehow knew exactly the thing to ask in that moment, exactly the focus and control Kurt needed to distract him from the dark spiral of scary thoughts he’d just discovered he would have to face. “I’d like you to stay, and I just need a minute to– I think I want to put this aside for a while, process it a little before I try to think about it or talk about it much. I just want to try and do that for a minute, and then maybe if we can continue our day? I might need to skip the crowded places, but some take out and a DVD at my place could be a good distraction for me.” He had his head dipped so low, he had to look up through his lashes to see Blaine’s face, and when he did, he saw a gaze that warmed his heart and a smile that made him feel safe.

“Of course. Whatever you need.”

As Kurt drifted off halfway through the movie, Blaine’s hand rubbing his back soothingly, his last sleepy thoughts were that his next meeting with Tom would be rough, and the faint idea of asking Blaine to meet him after it.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
> 
> Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.  
> Chapter Notes:  
> My dear readers – I can’t even begin to apologize for this super long delay, and for all of you who are still with me, thank you so very very much. This chapter was really hard for me because it felt awkward and frustrating, but my wonderful friend and beta reader, tangledhair, said it was exactly what Kurt needed at this point. Times of healing and adjustment often feel awkward and frustrating to us and we just want to get past them or ignore them. I guess this chapter fits that bill.  I am hopeful that the rest of this will come faster, though there’s also a lot more happening in my life than there was when I started writing, so I’m being careful to not make any promises (aside from not abandoning the fic).  
> Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter: poetheather and tangledhair.  
> We have reached over 101,200 words and almost 5,000 of that is for future chapters! Anyway, this is chapter 23 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 28).  
> Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years  
> Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)  
> Rating this chapter M for mention of rape

 

The Lucky Ones – Chapter Twenty-Three: You Pull Me Through

 _Sometimes you're sentimental_  
I know exactly what to do  
And if I'm temperamental  
You calm me down and you pull me through   
~ The Lucky Ones by Peter Cetera

 

February 5, 2020

Kurt found himself, once again, in his old apartment. Everyone had been a little wired after the show, so several people went back to Blaine and the girls’ place. They were making a variety of mixed drinks for people and Kurt was surprised by the intense discomfort he got when Santana handed Miki a White Russian. Suddenly, he could think of nothing but mixed drinks with hidden drugs and what did that even mean for him, for the last several years of his life, he’d believed something to be true, believed something he hated about himself, and now he was suddenly supposed to accept that it wasn’t true at all? Sure, it sounded great, until you got to the trade off – in order to not be the horrid cheater he thought he was, he had to instead accept that he’d been a… victim? Survivor? Statistic?

He didn’t even know what to call it. Sexual assault? Drugging and coercion?

Blaine had called it rape. Tom had told him to define it as he would for someone else.He thought about Tina, or Rachel, Mercedes, any of the girls his age, girls he had been close with and loved deeply at one point. If any one of them had gone through the same thing – being drugged, held down, pushed, had her protests and attempts to leave ignored, and been restrained and fucked by a guy they barely knew – he’d call it rape in a minute. But after believing for so long that he’d just been weak and given in to temptation, not to mention that he even kind of enjoyed the rough parts of it… he had a hard time framing it with the new realization that he’d been drugged.

“You okay?” Blaine was suddenly next to him, not touching him, but close enough that Kurt could make contact if he wanted to. He smiled and leaned against Blaine’s chest lightly.

“Yeah, mostly.” He sighed. It would be so much easier if the world could just stop for a week or so and let him deal with shit without having to act like a real person at the same time. He leaned over to ask quietly, “Um, if I need to get away for a minute…?”

“You can use my room. If that’s not uncomfortable for you. If it’s weird because it’s mine, or because it used to be yours, I can ask Tana and Britt…”

“No, it’s okay!” Kurt smiled at Blaine’s rambling. He found it kind of adorable. “I just mean, I think I’ll be okay in there. I mean, if you stay with me.” The words were barely out of his mouth and Blaine was pondering the meanings that might go with them when Kurt’s eyes grew wide. “Oh god!” his voice dropped to a whisper, and he turned to keep his face hidden from the rest of the room. “I just realized what I said. I mean, I didn’t mean that, you know, _that_ way. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest anything. God, I sound like a tease or something.”

Blaine chuckled and pulled Kurt into a hug. “It’s okay. I know what you meant. At least, I think I do.” He felt Kurt’s hands reach up to his waist, but they almost seemed to caress at the hips before wrapping around to hug him back. It was probably just an accident, but it triggered something in Blaine and he felt his breath speed up just slightly. He berated himself for the reaction; it was exactly what Kurt didn’t need right now. “Are you doing okay? You seemed tense earlier.”

“Yeah, I think it might take a day or two for me to stop thinking of all the possible drugs that could be mixed into a drink.” His voice was low, breath brushing gently at Blaine’s ear. “I know Santana’s not drugging the drinks, but it still makes me twitch a little. I just… it was always one of those things that happen to other people, but I knew better than to set my drink down unattended. It didn’t leave my hand or my sight after I got it from the bartender.” Blaine closed his eyes against the sudden tears in his eyes and held Kurt closer. “You know,” Kurt continued, “I think maybe a few minutes away would be good right about now.”

“You got it.” Blaine turned and led them down the hall. He thought about saying something to Santana or Britt before disappearing, but he figured it would probably give Kurt added stress and that’s the last thing he wanted to do. They’d probably just make inappropriate jokes and assumptions anyway. He wondered how Kurt felt about this, stepping into his old bedroom. The door had stayed closed the last time Kurt was here, just after Christmas. He opened the door and let Kurt go in first, stepping in and closing the door behind them.

Kurt pulled himself in again, wrapping his arms across his chest and raising one up to tug at his collar. “It’s okay, Kurt. You’re safe here.” He’d done some reading after Christmas, wanting to learn more about how to help Kurt, but in light of their talk the other day, he wasn’t sure if the same things would still help. Could Kurt feel safe when he’d been drugged and didn’t know it for seven years? Blaine tried to put the brakes on his mind and bring his focus back to the here and now. “Do you know what you need?”

Kurt’s eyes darted around the room, and Blaine guessed he was probably cataloguing all the ways it was different or similar to when it was his room. He knew he’d lain there countless times thinking about the one time he’d seen it when it was Kurt’s.

Finally, Kurt looked back at Blaine. “I think, just, a few minutes away from everyone. It’s been a crazy week and I think I’m just kind of reaching my threshold of people time.”

“Of course. Whatever you need! I’ll leave you alone, I can go distract everyone. Just make yourself comfortable.” Blaine smiled and started to lean in to hug Kurt but stopped, unsure if the contact would be helpful.

“No, I, uh,” Kurt reached out a hand and rested it on Blaine’s arm. “I meant other people. I only agreed to come in here if you stayed, remember.” Blaine knew he must have had an incredibly stupid expression on his face, but he’d blame it on his stomach flipping upside down at the sudden rush of hope he felt. It was probably just a simple statement, but to Blaine it felt like a promise of sunshine and daisies. “I just,” Kurt continued, “we hadn’t had a chance to talk much since Monday night. I seem to remember watching the first half of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ with you, and the next thing I know I’m deep in a frightening dream where our cast and crew turned into singing anthropomorphized set and theatre objects and I kept trying to sing with them but all I could do was roar.”

Blaine raised his eyebrows at that. “Should I ask what happened next?”

Kurt flopped down on the edge of the bed and looked up at him with a mixture of embarrassment and horror. “Lindsey was Cogsworth, singing about squatters in the castle, and then the armoire and Mrs. Potts started singing ‘Take Me or Leave Me’.”

Blaine tried to hold it in, really he did, but he barely lasted a few seconds before he burst out laughing. “That’s absurd!”

“I know! If anyone is gonna sing ‘Take Me or Leave Me,’ it’s gonna be the feather duster and that saucy mop she’s always bumping handles with.” Kurt held his head high, adopting a haughty tone as he spoke. Blaine just kept laughing, and trying not to get stuck in the mental loop of _oh god I love him so much_ that tried to dominate his brain.

“God, now I’m picturing Angela Landsbury playing Joanne,” Blaine collapsed on the bed next to Kurt, still chuckling at the mental image, “because you know Maureen is far too wild for Mrs. Potts.”

Kurt laughed and smacked at Blaine’s thigh. “Oh my god, you’re horrid! That’s so true, and so amazing to think that Rachel is playing her. I mean, if you knew Rachel when she was 15, you never would have thought she _could_ play that part.”

“She was a little delusional in her teens, wasn’t she?”

Kurt side-eyed him and huffed. “Um, ‘in her teens’? Really? Have you seen her recently, Blaine? How she barely refrains from rearranging her songs because Sara’s yelled at her for it? How she’s still trying to flirt with Dean even though she’s clearly got a horrid track record with gay men? How she hardly ever sees anything in the world as it is?”

“Yes, yes, okay. I get it. Rachel’s still delusional, but she’s become a damned good actress.”

“Sometimes I think those things go together – you know, the whole thing about the most creative people being at least a little bit mad?” Kurt looked down at his hands and Blaine saw his posture fall like it had at the park the other day.

“Hey, listen,” he reached out to touch Kurt’s arm gently. “I’m here. I…” he sighed, wishing he knew what to do. “I want to help.”

Kurt sighed and they sat there in silence for a few moments as Blaine could practically _feel_ him working up his courage. “I sometimes feel like I’m crazier than my therapist lets on. I just, how can it be normal and sane to have so many conflicting feelings at the same time?”

“I hope it’s at least a little bit sane because I do it all the time.” Blaine smiled and tightened his hand on Kurt’s arm for just a second, hoping it would be reassuring and friendly.

“Thanks.” Kurt rolled his eyes and tilted his head playfully. “And we all know you’re _normal_ in every way.”

“Careful, Kurt, your snark is showing.” He smiled back, grateful to see that Kurt didn’t seem uncomfortable with him. “Seriously, though,” and he was honestly trying to be serious, until he was interrupted by Kurt’s laugh.

Kurt snickered briefly and then covered his mouth and gave Blaine a faux innocent look.

“I can be serious!” Blaine declared in a very un-serious overly-dramatic way and they laughed together and leaned on each other, until Blaine was holding Kurt and Kurt’s arms were gripping tightly at his back. They laughed into each other’s shoulders until they both ran out of breath, and then they just… sat there. Blaine moved to pull away first, and Kurt tightened his grip ever-so-slightly before quickly letting go. They both moved their hands to the bed and looked up at each other. Blaine felt his mouth go dry as he glanced at Kurt’s lips. He could tell by the quick intake of breath through those lips that Kurt knew exactly where he was looking and probably what he was thinking.

He looked up, trying to read Kurt’s eyes, and… they clicked. Blaine had felt it with Kurt before and he called it a click because he had no other name for it. It was powerful and intense and it made his heart skip a beat every time. It had happened when they first met, when they went to lunch after facing Karofsky, just before he’d first kissed Kurt, when they discovered that they both loved lima beans (of all the weird things), and several other times throughout their relationship. Most recently was probably at his audition, but he hadn’t been sure because of the heightened emotions of seeing Kurt again unexpectedly.

This time was different; they were friends again, and it was amazing to _feel_ that connection again. He’d always assumed Kurt felt it, too, but he’d never worked up the courage to ask him about it when they were younger. He’d been afraid it would sound silly, but now he wanted nothing more than to know that he wasn’t the only one feeling like his stomach was flipped over and his soul was playing Twister with Kurt’s. He must have stopped breathing for a second because suddenly he needed to inhale kind of desperately and when he did he was surprised to feel his eyes water up just a little. The air felt stuck in his throat and the songwriter in him thought about it being trapped there by the emotion that wanted out. Emotions he couldn’t express yet because he knew Kurt wasn’t ready.

He snapped his mouth closed and forced a swallow followed by a deep breath. “You, uh, you were saying something about conflicting emotions?” He grinned slightly, hoping Kurt would get an idea what he was not saying.

“Yeah.” Kurt nodded and huffed out a breath as he looked away and then back at Blaine. He offered a steady, determined gaze with his next words. “I was.”

Oh, that was a loaded statement and Blaine immediately began to imagine the things Kurt might have been feeling. Realizing that was ridiculous, he berated himself and decided his best course of action was asking questions and hoping Kurt knew the answers. “Kurt, what would you like to do? I mean, right now, how are you? I know there’s a lot happening lately, and I know there are things that… that need _time_ , and stuff, but they’re _here_ already and I just…Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about anything… or do you want to talk about nothing?” Kurt grinned a little at that, but Blaine just kept going. “Or just sit here together? I swear it doesn’t matter to me. I’m just, I want to be helpful to you, and make sure you feel comfortable and if there’s anything you need to ask me or talk to me about, I’m totally here.”

Kurt smiled at him, and it felt like one of the best things ever to Blaine. “I still don’t know _why_ you’re here, but I’m grateful. I really am.” His eyes watered up and he did that little smile-frown thing that flattened his mouth to a line and made him look adorable.

Blaine couldn’t stand the thought that Kurt didn’t know, that he would question their friendship at all. “The reason why, Kurt, is because you’re my best friend in the world, and you have been since I was sixteen. There’s never been anyone else who got me the way that you do, and there’s never been anyone that made me _feel_ the way that you do.” He tried to put layers of meaning into these words, but he knew they couldn’t all fit. Kurt made him realize new definitions for ‘feel.’ He looked at Kurt earnestly, hoping to make him understand.

Kurt took in a quick breath and Blaine could see his eyes widen and this throat move as he swallowed. “I… I don’t know what to say to that. I, god, Blaine, you have no idea what things go through my head sometimes, but never in my wildest imagination would you have said that to me after what I did.”

Blaine shook his head and reached out to Kurt then, one hand covering Kurt’s in his lap, the other on his shoulder. He squeezed Kurt’s hand as he spoke firmly. “You didn’t do that, Kurt. You have to remember that. You didn’t cheat.”

Kurt looked at Blaine in wonder. “I- wow. I know. It’s just, I guess I forgot? God that sounds dumb, _‘yeah I was kinda raped but I forgot’_ right?” He tried to laugh, but it was hard. He felt like he had no air. _Raped. I was raped. Oh god I can’t do this right now._

“Hey,” Blaine’s voice was soft and he reached up a hand to Kurt’s face. _Okay, Blaine. Focus on Blaine. You’re safe with Blaine._ “It’s okay. I’m here, you’re safe. No drugs, no dangers. It’s just us, just hanging out, okay?”

Kurt nodded, feeling his heart slow down and his lungs slowly expand. “You’re amazing, Blaine. And, thank you…” he wasn’t sure, but he thought Blaine’s eyes were getting a little closer. “I, uh, I wouldn’t have even known what really… I mean, if you hadn’t asked me, and been willing to listen to me.”

“I’ll always listen to you, Kurt.” Blaine pulled him a little closer as he spoke, and Kurt felt his breath catch in his throat as Blaine’s fingers slipped through his hair and just started to curl around the side of his head. “I- I just want you to be happy, and to know it’s okay here, with me.”

Kurt swallowed hard and nodded slightly. His mouth was dry, but he licked his lips – _did Blaine just watch that?_ – and forced out the words, trying to convince his subconscious it was true. “It’s okay here, with you.”  Their eyes met again and Kurt suddenly felt more certain of the statement. “It’s okay here, with you.”

Kurt’s eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into Blaine’s touch, smiling when Blaine responded by rubbing his thumb back and forth over Kurt’s cheekbone. He’d never get over how it seemed like he and Blaine just fit together – like his head and Blaine’s hand, or Blaine’s arms around his waist, his lips and the curve of Blaine’s jaw, his lips and Blaine’s lips. He opened his eyes to look at those lips and found them slightly parted. Kurt leaned closer, expecting Blaine to do the same, anticipating a kiss. But instead, Blaine leaned back as Kurt moved in. “Kurt, wait.”

They didn’t move for a moment, but Kurt closed his eyes immediately, embarrassed. Finally, he took a breath and pulled away from Blaine – or at least he tried to. Blaine gripped him a little tighter and Kurt found his embarrassment temporarily interrupted by a spike of arousal before shifting back to further embarrassment and shame. “Please let go.” He wasn’t even sure he’d been loud enough to be heard until he felt Blaine abruptly let go and Kurt was able to lean away just a little. He opened his mouth to apologize for misreading Blaine’s actions and trying to kiss him when Blaine clearly didn’t want to, but Blaine spoke first.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, god when the hell did I get so grabby? I’m so sorry, Kurt. I didn’t mean to upset you, or like, trigger bad memories or anything.”

“No, you didn’t. It’s, it’s not that. I just, you didn’t want me to…” he looked away, embarrassed further, “and so I just needed to be… away?” he tipped his head to the side, thinking “I guess.”

“Kurt, it’s not that I didn’t want you to kiss me. I just, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. You just had a big shock a few days ago and you’re still trying to deal with it. Neither of us wants to do something again without meaning behind it, without being together. And you last told me that you weren’t ready for that yet.”

He was getting very emotional about this, leaning toward Kurt and balling his hands up into fists.

“I guess maybe it’s selfish of me, but I can’t let something start until you’re really ready for it. I won’t risk making things worse. I- god, Kurt, I can’t. Don’t you see? I can’t lose you again.” He was crying by the time he finished, and so was Kurt, a suddenly emotional Kurt who glared at him lovingly.

“Blaine, no. You’re not going to lose me. Not this time. I’ve seen life without you, and if you’re willing to have me back in your life despite how screwed up I am now, I’m certainly not going to be dumb enough to give this up voluntarily. And while your very sweet and honorable reasoning is incredibly valid and also quite touching, it’s completely unhelpful because it really makes me want to kiss you even more.”

Blaine smiled and hung his head. “You always do that to me. All these years, and you’re still zigging.”

“I have to keep you on your toes somehow” he offered a nervous smile, ducking his head slightly.

They both gazed right through the checkered print on the comforter, lost in their own memories as the not-quite uncomfortable silence stretched for all of two minutes before they laughed at themselves and Blaine asked how Kurt was doing.

“Better,” he looked up and smiled at Blaine. “I, uh, I researched ecstasy some, and I talked to my therapist about it. I’m still, I guess, adapting my thoughts? As you saw a few minutes ago. And mostly I’m just a little more on edge, and,” Kurt sighed and looked around the room for a moment, then took a deep breath and smiled brightly, giving Blaine his puppy dog eyes, “what I’d really like most right now is a distraction. Can we just, I don’t know, watch a comedy or something? Would that be totally rude?”

“Nope. Not rude at all. Let’s see what I’ve got.”

“Just, um,” Kurt looked flustered as he made his request. “Nothing Disney, please? I couldn’t take it if you turned blue and started singing about Prince Ali A-Babwa in my dreams.”


	24. Nothing Comes of It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the extreme delay between updates. I had a bit of writer's block, a bunch of life happening to me, my daughter moving away, and a few health issues, one of which ended with surgery. I sincerely hope the next chapter will not be that long, but at the moment all I can say is that I WILL finish the story.

**The Lucky Ones – Chapter Twenty-Four: Nothing Comes of It**

_I'm waiting... waiting_   
_But nothing comes_   
_No nothing comes of it_   
_~The Lucky Ones – Val Emmich_

February 6, 2020

Kurt woke up feeling more rested than he had in years, and briefly wondered just how long he’d been asleep. As he started to reach for his phone to check the time, he realized he was not alone. The weight of the arm around him and the sudden realization that there was someone behind him gave him just a moment of panic until he remembered that he and Blaine had been watching The Next Best Thing, and they’d obviously fallen asleep together.

Once he knew it was Blaine in the bed with him, he relaxed and smiled to himself. He really was going to have this back in his life. He wasn’t sure when, but they’d made it pretty clear last night that it was something they both wanted. And even if they were ‘just friends’ right now, there was no reason he couldn’t enjoy being in those arms again. He’d always loved Blaine’s arms. They were good arms to have, good arms to be wrapped up in. As if Blaine heard Kurt’s mental ramblings, his arms tightened just a bit and Kurt felt Blaine’s breath closer against his neck. 

He knew the moment Blaine woke up because he felt the sudden stillness, the tension of trying not to move at all. “It’s okay. I’m awake.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He started to pull his arms away, but Kurt held on.

“I said it’s okay.” He spoke softly, hoping to keep the relaxed feeling he’d had before. “I’m comfortable. Are you comfortable?” 

Blaine shifted slightly, but stayed close, his left arm acting as a pillow for Kurt and curling over Kurt’s chest, and Kurt was still lightly holding onto his right arm, wrapped around, holding them close at the waist. “Yeah,” he finally said, more breathy than Kurt had expected.

“Okay, then. Just, let’s just take it easy and enjoy the morning. Please?” He knew it was kind of like playing with fire, given Blaine’s argument that it was too soon, but he just wasn’t willing to give up that feeling of comfort and safety and… home. Not yet.

“Sure. I’m okay with that.” He yawned. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind a little more sleep, if you’re okay with it.”

“Sounds lovely,” he smiled to himself knowing he wasn’t going back to sleep anytime soon, but he could happily lie there while Blaine held him and slept.

February 8, 2020

“Blaine? Bla-aine?!?” Santana called out over the music – old Katy Perry from their high school days - as she put her things down by the door. “Have you reverted to your teen years and started using that awful gel again? I thought we were past that phase.”

“What? Sorry, I’m a little busy, and I didn’t hear you, San, what’s up?” His voice came from the kitchen, and she couldn’t help but wonder what kind of trouble he was causing in there. She stepped around the partial wall and turned the volume down on the stereo system.

“I was asking if you’re gelling your hair again now. I smell raspberry.”

Blaine smiled, and Santana found herself taking a quick inventory of his appearance and behavior. Something had changed in him over the last few days, and she would bet her best stilettos it had something to do with Lady Hummel and their time in Blaine’s bedroom a few nights ago.

“You smell raspberry because I’m using raspberry jam to fill these thumbprint cookies.” He gestured at the tray of already thumbprinted cookies as he continued to fill each indentation with a small amount of the filling mixture.

“And you’ve turned into Martha Stewart again because?”

“I’m baking cookies, Santana. That doesn’t make me Martha Stewart, or Betty Crocker, or even Mrs. Fields, since I know you’ll get back to those names eventually. If you must know, I’m planning to take some to the theatre tonight.” He kept his eyes firmly on the tray in front of him, and Santana could easily see that he was only being partially truthful, and that he was blushing ever so slightly. She found it kind of adorable, to be honest, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to tease him mercilessly.

She stepped forward and placed one hand on his upper arm, essentially forcing his attention so he couldn’t hide from her next words. “You mean you’re taking some to Kurt tonight.”

“Shut up.” He looked away, but she knew he was smiling. Shaking her head, Santana just kissed him on the cheek and left him to his work.   
She paused just outside of her room and said “I guess we should just all be grateful you’re not filling those with fudge.” His indignant squawk made her smile as she closed the door before he could really reply.

*-*-*

Blaine was nervous as he walked toward the costume studio. He had carefully packaged the raspberry cookies in a simple container, debating long and hard before deciding against adding anything else to it. Now, in addition to the surge of nerves and anticipation he’d had every time he brought Kurt cookies, he was second-guessing himself – or maybe ninth-guessing – and wondering if it would have been better to add a note or some flowers. No, he told himself, he still needs time. That would have been too much. His thoughts trailed off as he reached the door and saw Kurt leaning on one of the tall cutting tables making notes.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked hesitantly, not wanting to interrupt if Kurt was deep in thought or in a creative flow.

“Blaine! Good morning!” Kurt put his pencil down and headed over quickly to pull Blaine into a hug. 

Blaine barely had time to put the plastic container on the cutting table before he was wrapped up in Kurt. He was surprised by the enthusiasm, but certainly wouldn’t argue with another chance to hold him. He squeezed just a little bit extra for a few seconds, taking a slow, deep breath with his nose practically buried in Kurt’s neck. He’d always loved the smooth skin and the warm, familiar smell that always seemed like comfort. Suddenly realizing just how long they’d been holding each other, he took a quick breath and cleared his throat, stepping back. 

“Hey, you seem to be feeling pretty good today,” he observed with a smile.

“I am,” Kurt smiled back. “Thanks. I feel pretty good about things, and I finally got some decent sleep the last couple nights.”

Blaine wondered if that comment was as pointed as it seemed. He knew he’d slept better when Kurt was in the bed with him, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions and risk screwing up his chances. Besides, Kurt said ‘the last couple nights’ and they’d only shared a bed the one time… Blaine turned quickly to pull himself from those thoughts as he reached for the container of cookies.

“These are for you.” He pulled the top off and held the container out to Kurt, smiling as Kurt’s eyes widened and he reached in to grab a cookie.

“Thumbprints!” He took a bite of the buttery shortbread and just a bit of the filling and Blaine watched as Kurt’s tongue slipped out to catch the cookie crumbs on his lips. “Raspberry? Blaine, you remembered?”

“Of course I remembered, Kurt! How could I forget these?”

“Wait,” Kurt’s brow furrowed as he looked at the cookie closer. “Pistachios…” he muttered, then tasted a bit of the filling by itself and looked at Blaine, questioning. “Do I taste cherry brandy and just a touch of lemon zest in there?”

“Y-yeah, you might.” He couldn’t think straight, suddenly feeling nervous all over again. 

“You got my mom’s recipe?”

“I’ll give it back if you want. I just… I asked your dad if I could have it to surprise you. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything.”

“Blaine, stop.” Kurt put a hand on his arm and met his eyes. “I’m not upset. I’m touched. Very – yeah, touched.” He cleared his throat and smiled, wondering if Blaine was also thinking about the day they’d first made those cookies together.

March 19, 2011

“Just keep rolling the dough into balls and I’ll get the filling ready.”

Blaine grabbed another spoon of the shortbread dough and began rolling it between his palms like Kurt had showed him. “I thought the filling was just jam?”  
Kurt measured out raspberry jam into a small saucepan and pretended not to watch while Blaine carefully placed the dough ball in line with the others on the cookie sheet. He was still giddy inside, to be honest. His boyfriend was here, had spent the night, and was now cooking with him. How had this become his life?  
Blaine interrupted his inner awe as he placed one last ball of dough on the cookie sheet. “This pan’s full. How many are we making, anyway?”

Kurt grinned and reached for another baking sheet. “The recipe makes five dozen. They’re small. And Finn will eat at least half the batch by himself.” He nervously reached for the drawer just by Blaine’s hip, trying to be casual about it. He could even touch Blaine’s hip if he wanted to, they were boyfriends after all.

“Oh, after seeing him at dinner last night, I really don’t doubt that.” Blaine glanced over and smiled at him, then stepped sideways to let Kurt more easily reach the drawer. “Sorry, was I in the way?”

“No, not really.” He grabbed the zester and closed the drawer quickly, moving to the fruit bowl for a lemon. “And as for the filling, most people fill their thumbprint cookies with plain old jam, but this,” he paused for emphasis, gesturing with the lemon in one hand and the zester in the other. “This is my mom’s recipe, and it’s so much better.” He threw a smirk over his shoulder as he turned his back to grate the lemon into the filling. Behind him, the low chuckle reassured him that they were as comfortable together as he thought they were, and that Blaine was actually enjoying himself.

“And is this the point when we make the thumbprints in them?” Blaine asked innocently.

“Well, I like variety, so first we have to roll half of them in the chopped pistachios before we thumbprint them.”

“Oh god, I love pistachios!” Blaine practically groaned and Kurt swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. No one should be that sexy talking about pistachios. “Seriously, I can go through a bag of them during a movie at home.” He was grinning and still rolling cookie dough and Kurt turned his attention back to the pan and refrained from doing a celebratory dance over his sexy, adorable, amazing boyfriend.

As the cookies baked, the boys cleaned up and put away all the ingredients. Blaine was putting the cherry brandy back in the liquor cabinet when Finn walked in and gave him a funny look. 

“Uh, hey Blaine. Is that, uh, I mean, are you and Kurt having drinks?”

“No! No, no, Kurt used it for the cookies we made.” He looked up, thinking again about how very tall Finn was. “They’re in the oven now.”

“Oooh,” Finn grinned and got a dreamy look in his eyes. “The ones with the jam? I love those.” He clapped Blaine on the shoulder as he walked past him into the kitchen. 

Blaine followed quickly and watched from the doorway with a smile as Finn and Kurt interacted. The first batch of cookies had just come out of the oven and Kurt was slapping Finn’s hand away as he transferred them to a cooling rack. Finn finally gave up and looked around for leftover dough he could snatch, pouting when he realized they’d already cleaned the bowl. Watching Kurt and Finn, two guys who’d just been thrown together in this family and seemed like the closest of brothers, Blaine wondered, not for the first time, if he would have been closer to Cooper if they’d been closer in age.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he missed Finn finally getting a handful of cookies and heading back upstairs. He snapped back to the present when Kurt presented him with a still-warm cookie, the filling slightly bubbled in a couple spots, the cookie soft and flaky as he took a bite.

“Oh my god, Kurt, this is delicious! I can’t believe you made these!!”

“We made, them, actually, and thank you. These are my favorite cookies in the world, and yeah, it’s probably because I remember making them with my mom when I was like five, and I was so tiny Dad teased me that we could almost make them handprint cookies instead.”

“Awww, that sounds so cute.” Blaine tickled lightly at Kurt’s lower ribs and planted a quick peck on his lips.

“Stop it.” His grin probably took all the authority out of that statement, but he was just too happy to wipe the goofy smile away.

“Stop what?” Blaine leaned closer, watching Kurt’s reaction as he got almost close enough to kiss him before swerving to reach for another cookie.

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry, they’re just so good!”

“Fine, I’ll keep making thumbprint cookies if it means I get to keep you around.” Kurt blushed a little, feeling silly for saying such a thing out loud, but Blaine really brought out his sappy romantic side.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Blaine grinned in that adorable bashful way of his. “I think you’ve already left your thumbprint on my heart.” His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I mean, um, I, god that probably sounded crazy. I just, you make me crazy, Kurt. Not bad, crazy… I just keep talking, don’t I?” 

Kurt blinked at him, torn between swooning at the romance of that ‘thumbprint on my heart’ statement and giggling at the nervous rambling. Finally deciding that the best way to respond was to reassure Blaine before he could keep rambling, he put a hand on the back of Blaine’s neck and pulled him close for a sweet, slightly raspberry flavored kiss.

When they parted, Kurt pressed his forehead to Blaine’s willing his heart rate to slow down and wondering if kissing Blaine would always feel like this. He certainly hoped so. “I don’t think it’s crazy. I think it’s sweet.”

February 8, 2020

“I still think it’s sweet, you know.” Blaine raised his eyebrows in obvious disbelief. “Okay, fine,” Kurt amended as he reached for another cookie. “Sweet, but very cheesy?”

“Yeah, very cheesy.” Blaine shook his head in embarrassment over his incredibly sappy 16-year-old self.

*-*-*

That evening as Kurt watched the show from the wings, he laughed as Santana reached the “best ass below 14th street” line. Blaine seemed to fumble a little more than “Roger” usually did, or maybe Kurt was just paying more attention tonight. The slow build of chemistry between them as they continued the song, and danced, and dripped candle wax, it was a testament to their talent that he had to sometimes remind himself they were Blaine and Santana. Aside from the obvious fact that neither were into the opposite sex, they just seemed more like brother and sister off-stage.

Kurt was feeling more centered, calm, really, about everything, and the sudden realization of that had him leaning toward panicking again. What if he was too laid back, too relaxed about things and it caused him to screw up again? So many things could go wrong if he didn’t keep a tight control on his life. But no, Tom had explained that it was normal to fear getting better because of the things that will change, and honestly, knowing it was normal helped. He could handle change. “I’m stronger than I think I am,” he muttered quietly as Mark and Joanne tangoed on stage. It surprised him sometimes how easy it was to have these quiet little rituals and mantras to help. He’d always found comfort in the little details of things, though, and these were more helpful details to focus on.

He turned his attention back to the show, listening to Roger’s rant, trying to get rid of Mimi. Thinking of later on when Roger would give in after finding out Mimi was positive, too, Kurt realized Roger wasn’t just pushing Mimi away because he’d been hurt, he was trying to protect her. Just like so many other stories, Harry leaving Ginny for her own safety, Angel leaving Buffy because it’s best for her, Hamlet’s lies to Ophelia, Sateen pushing Christian away… idiot people trying to martyr themselves for the ones they loved. Of course, he’d done that to Blaine, hadn’t he? Damn, he thought. Sometimes being insightful can be a pain. Kurt sighed to himself and turned his attention back to listen to Mimi’s response.

“There’s only us, only tonight. We must let go to know what’s right. No other course, no other way, no day but today.”

No day but today. He wanted so much, and he was finally starting to believe it was okay to want again. As the song said, it was time to give in to love or live in fear. He’d spent enough time in fear. He was ready to step out of that, and he knew exactly what he wanted his next step to be. 

The scene ended, the number changed, and Blaine exited the stage. He smiled at Kurt as he ran past toward the dressing room, and Kurt just knew. He felt his heart skip a beat and his eyes teared up a bit as he was overcome with joy – unexpected joy because he finally had no doubt that he was going to be okay, and that he was ready to be with Blaine again.

February 10, 2020

“All right,” Tom glanced at his notes and back up at Kurt as he gestured with his pencil. “Last week we talked about the Halloween party and the realization that there was Ecstasy in your drink. How have you been doing since then?”

Kurt ran his thumb across the arm of the chair, idly tracing the pattern in the upholstery as he thought about that question. “I guess, all things considered, I’ve been doing okay?”

“Is that a question?” Tom asked with a grin. It was a familiar exchange, trying to make Kurt aware of how often he was seeking approval in his conversations.

“It’s not a question, exactly. It’s just, I think I’ve been doing okay, but I’m not sure how to tell sometimes, you know?” He picked at a loose thread for just a second before realizing what he was doing and smoothing it down. “I feel okay. I feel, I don’t know, almost good. And then I think that can’t be normal and I should be upset or freaked out or depressed or something, but I just want to move on with my life now.”

“And what does moving on with your life entail at this point?”

“Well, for the last few days I’ve kinda had one thing in mind, but I don’t know if it’s a really bad idea considering everything…”

*-*-*

Blaine sat at Dive, feeling slightly out of sorts since he didn’t have a gig there that night. He hadn’t even been there since he went on hiatus for RENT, but it felt like he should be finalizing his set list and warming up before showtime. He missed it some, but he couldn’t deny the call of the stage was amazing. He was going to miss it when it ended next month, and he couldn’t help being a little worried that he’d lose contact with Kurt again.

The waitress brought drinks over and he tried to force himself to pay attention to Santana and Miki’s conversation about new shows rumored for the near future.  
“I heard about this great show based on a true story. It’s called Ill Repute and it’s about this woman during the 1800s in London that supported her family by running a brothel.” Miki said. “Of course, I’d probably have to audition for a servant in that one.”

“Ahhh, but what about Moulin Rouge?” Santana grinned, and Blaine turned to her quickly.

“What about Moulin Rouge, Santana?” Miki was practically crawling across the table toward her, not that Blaine could blame her. Who wouldn’t be interested in this?

“Oh, I just heard a few rumors that they’re doing a stage adaptation for the 20th anniversary of the film.” Santana purred with a twinkle in her eye that told Blaine she was determined to be involved if this rumor became reality.

Rachel and Lindsey joined them just as the canned music faded and the lights went up on stage. “Hello! Blaine I’m so glad you’re here tonight!” Rachel scooted into a chair on his right and leaned in close as she spoke. Something seemed a bit off; she had that classic Rachel’s holding in a surprise expression, and he knew her “surprises” weren’t always as great as she thought they were. He smiled at her and cleared his throat as he looked around wondering where Kurt was. Lindsey was sitting directly to his left, smirking at the table as she drummed her nails lightly. 

“Lindsey? What’s up? You two are acting weird.”

“Nothing.” Her voice was just a tad higher than usual, and Blaine looked around, hoping to see something that would give him a clue. He pulled his phone out to see if there was a message from Kurt. He’d been sure Kurt said he’d be there tonight.

“I haven’t sung in public in a while,” Kurt’s voice rang out through the club. Blaine nearly dropped his phone as his head snapped up and he saw Kurt on stage at the mic, Cameron on a stool behind him with a guitar. Kurt continued while Blaine’s mind raced.

“But sometimes there’s just no better way to express something than to sing about it.” Kurt watched Blaine, sitting there with their friends and co-workers, and hoped he’d get the message. Cameron strummed his guitar once and Kurt closed his eyes and took a breath as the music started. Only Blaine could inspire him to open himself up again like this after so long. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyIVuny5KwI

_Blue and black, heart torn out, / You uncover what's beneath my skin / There and back, there's no doubt, / your touch is my medicine_

It still amazed him how much Blaine had healed him. He’d talked about it with Tom a little, but he realized it more every day.

_I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me..._

Kurt paused here, seeking out Blaine’s gaze. He needed to get this message across clearly. He needed Blaine to pay attention, because this was taking every ounce of courage he’d been able to muster, and it was all for Blaine.

And I'll give you all my pieces broken  
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix  
My heart is frayed, my scars are open  
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch  
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

Blaine was watching him, and he pushed at Lindsey’s chair and slowly stood up as Kurt kept singing. Kurt felt his heart race even faster and pointedly kept eye contact with Blaine to ignore the choking feeling he was starting to have. He’d purposely worn an open collar tonight to remind himself that he wasn’t really choking.

_What you say, without words, resuscitates what was numb inside_   
_So repair me, every thread of me, 'cause you're bringing me back to life_

_I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me..._

_And I'll give you all my pieces broken_   
_In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix_   
_My heart is frayed, my scars are open_   
_So put me back together now stitch, by stitch_

He smiled as Blaine took a few slow steps toward the side of the stage. He’d been surprised at exactly how accurate these lyrics were,

I _'m still afraid of falling, somehow it's takin' over me_  
 _Don't ever let me let it go..._

But he had faith despite the lingering fear. They’d be okay. Blaine smiled back warmly, then looked away as he moved quickly toward the stage right stairs.

_There and back, there's no doubt, your touch makes me whole again_

_And I'll give you all my pieces broken_   
_In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix_   
_My heart is frayed, my scars are open_   
_So put me back together now, stitch by stitch_   
_Put me back together now, stitch by stitch_   
_Put me back together now, stitch by stitch_

Blaine was already standing off stage near the tiny dressing room by the time Kurt finished singing. Kurt could only imagine this was a good sign, but it wasn’t enough to stop the butterflies in his gut. Kurt had to side-step the next performer rushing to the stage, but then there was Blaine and nothing else mattered. 

“Hi.” He watched Blaine’s long, dark lashes flutter as Blaine blinked at the floor a couple times before looking up at Kurt with a smile.

“That was amazing, Kurt. Thank you.” Blaine reached out and grabbed Kurt’s arm, giving it a light squeeze. 

“You’re welcome.” He slid his hand down to grab Blaine’s and moved them toward the small dressing room where they could at least close the door and have a little privacy. Once in there, though, he saw that Blaine looked a little nervous and was fidgeting like he wanted to escape. Oh god. He felt his own smile fade quickly as he realized he must have just made a complete fool of himself professing love and clearly asking for a relationship with someone who no longer wanted him.

Kurt swallowed around the lump in his throat and let go of Blaine, pulling his arms tight around him. “Glad you liked it,” he offered stiffly. He tried to give a polite smile as Blaine pulled his hand back and responded to the change in tone, frowning at him slightly.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Kurt blinked in confusion at the question, and thought about the exchange. “No…” He took a breath, counting in for 6, hold for 3, out for 8. I’m stronger than I think I am. Though he felt calmer, he couldn’t shake the worry that he’d been reading the whole situation wrong. “I just, well I thought… but then, it’s okay. It’s fine, really.” He’d only been willing to approach a relationship because he finally felt stable enough, and that had to mean he was stable enough without Blaine, too. Reminding himself of this, he finally raised his eyes to meet Blaine’s. “I really am glad you liked it.” 

“What are you not saying, Kurt?” 

“Nothing.” He sighed. He’d not felt this embarrassed in probably years and all he wanted was to get away before the uncomfortable feelings had a chance to turn into panic. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go have a drink and enjoy the night, okay?”

“Wait, Kurt. Whatever you’re not saying, you don’t have to talk about it, and you certainly don’t have to talk to me about it, but can you at least assure me that you’re okay? You know you’re safe with me, right?”

Kurt almost laughed at that. The very idea that he could have sung that song, directing it at Blaine as he had, and still have any question that he was safe with Blaine, it was ludicrous. “Yes, I know.” And it was that knowledge that helped him feel calm now. They might never rekindle their great romance, but at least they could be best friends again. They’d never lost that. He smiled, “But it’s nothing.” He turned to leave, but stopped in his tracks at Blaine’s quiet response. 

“Really? Because it kinda seemed like something.”Kurt waited, wondering if Blaine would continue. Just when he was about to give in and turn around, Blaine spoke again. “I would just hate for a something to become a misunderstanding and mess up what we’ve been working towards, you know?”

Kurt sighed and turned back to face him You can face this Kurt, just don’t get your hopes up, “You’re right. It was… something. But you seemed uncomfortable with it, so I thought it would be better ignored.” 

“I…” Blaine glanced away, chuckling slightly as he muttered “I should know better than to be surprised by your directness” but when he looked up, his expression was filled with regret and Kurt suddenly found he no longer had to worry about feeling too hopeful. “I just think it’s really soon. I’m worried about you, and about… stuff, and how it would affect us if we… I mean, for right now…”

Kurt sighed. “Blaine, I’m okay. I know I’ve been kind of a mess for a long time, but I swear, I’m doing okay now. You’ve been amazing, more help than you know, and I’m good. And I love you.” He paused, breathing in. “I want to be with you again… if you still want me.”

Blaine surged forward, reaching for Kurt’s hands, “Of course, I still want you, Kurt. I love you, too, and I’ll never stop wanting you.” He hesitated, rubbing Kurt’s hand with gentle, reassuring strokes of his thumb. “But, I just think it’s really soon after some big stuff and I’d hate to move too fast and make a mistake, you know? We should do it right.”

“Do what right? And who determines what ‘right’ is?” He looked up, searching those dark eyes for answers he wasn’t sure he wanted.

“This. Us.” Blaine squeezed his hand, like he was trying to make his point through touch. “If we’re going to get back together, we should get ourselves together first.” Kurt raised one eyebrow and waited. “I mean, I’m sure I need to clean up some crap in my life, and you’re doing great in therapy right now, and it would be healthier to enter a relationship with our crap already dealt with, wouldn’t it?”

Kurt smiled, he could understand this point of view, probably would have said the same thing when he was younger, but he’d learned. “That sounds very logical, Blaine, but there’s always going to be crap to deal with in our lives, and we can’t just…”

“Not like this,” Blaine interrupted earnestly. “I just – I know these kinds of things leave an impression on someone. I know it has big effects that you might not realize for a while. I don’t want to jump into anything until we’re sure you’re ready for it.”

Kurt took another breath, reminding himself that even though Blaine was trying to control things, it was only out of concern. “I appreciate the chivalry, Blaine, but it’s really not necessary. I know what I want, and that’s you.”

“I’m not suggesting you don’t. I just think maybe you don’t know what you need right now.”

Okay, that was different. Kurt looked up in shock, then quickly pulled away from Blaine’s grasp in irritation. “Wait, so you’re telling me I don’t know myself, my capacity to handle this? You want me to be strong and feel safe, but you can’t trust me when I say I am?”

“Why are you getting mad at me? I’m just looking out for you, Kurt.” 

“Because you want me to believe it’s safe here with you, but you don’t want to let me act on that. You obviously think I’m a helpless child with no awareness of my own thoughts and feelings, and to top it off, you can’t seem to see how that demeans me. My god, do you not remember how pissed we both were when Harry decided what was best for Ginny?” Kurt took a breath, opening his mouth to say something else, but then shook his head and turned to leave again.

“Kurt, wait!” Blaine reached out to touch him, to stop him.

Kurt paused at the door, hand on the doorknob. He turned his head slightly, letting Blaine know he was waiting, but he didn’t speak.

“We have to talk about this. You can’t just tell me off and walk away.”

After a moment, Kurt turned his head just slightly more, still not enough for Blaine to really see his face. In a very careful, steady voice, Kurt quietly said “I can, and I will continue to do so, at least as long as you continue to make decisions for me. You can’t decide I’m ready to talk about this any more than you can decide I’m not ready for a relationship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I played around with ideas and actually baked the cookies mentioned in this chapter. I need to do another batch just to verify the recipe, but I hope to share it with you all by the end of the fic at the latest. :)


	25. Feels Like

The Lucky Ones: Chapter Twenty-Five - Feels Like

 

Feels like, feels like, you know, it feels like

Falling in love for the first time

Feels like, you know, it feels like

Falling in love

~ The Lucky Ones - Lana Del Rey

  
  


February 12, 2020

Kurt had breezed through last night’s performance, possibly more on top of things than he’d ever been before. He credited it to his focus. He’d decided to make sure nothing would affect his focus no matter how much I really wish I could get him to understand or get in his way as he insured that the cast and crew worked together like a well-oiled machine. Oh sure, Blaine had tried to come talk, but Kurt was far too busy. If he allowed these personal issues to affect his work, he’d just be proving Blaine right, showing that he wasn’t stable.

Today, Kurt had spent a bit of his free morning catching up on housework and double checking that his bills and finances were all caught up and in order. He stopped short of reorganizing his sock drawer, realizing that he might need to calm down a bit. I’m stronger than I think I am. I don’t have to control everything around me. With those thoughts, he thought back on the coping skills he’d learned from his time with Tom. Slow, counted breaths. Writing out his thoughts to get them out of his head. Engaging in a favorite pastime. His recently discovered stress relief aromatherapy blend would be helpful, too.

He grabbed his journal and the stress relief spray bottle and made himself comfortable in the overstuffed blue armchair. It was his favorite place to curl up and read or journal, and the little lap quilt he automatically pulled over his legs just made it more cozy. A few sprays of the mild scent and a couple rounds of his slow, counted breathing, and Kurt was feeling more calm and centered already. He unclipped his pen and opened the journal to get his thoughts out.

Feb 12, 20

I tried. I talked to Tom about my idea, and he didn’t tell me it was stupid or I wasn’t ready. I told Lindsey about it, and she was totally supportive. I mustered up courage like I haven’t had in years and I sang for him. I poured my heart out at his feet and … I don’t know, it feels like he just stepped over it like a wad of used chewing gum. I guess I was just so sure we were on the same page. I stupidly thought he was just waiting for me to say something, to give him a sign or let him know I was ready, but clearly he’s got his own timetable that tells him more than being in my own head could, or more than my therapist could.

Yeah, I guess it makes sense that it might seem kinda soon, but really, discovering last week that I was drugged doesn’t change the memories of the event. It was seven years ago. I’ve been in therapy for months now, dealing with a lot of my anxieties and memories and issues, and I’m still working on it. Sure, I’ve still got some work to do, and yeah, I still have trouble with things sometimes, just depending on how a memory hits me or if I’m not careful with my train of thought, but none of that should automatically define me as “not ready” for a relationship.

And really, it’s “too soon” for what, exactly? I love Blaine. I never really stopped, and if I hadn’t loved him before, I would have fallen for him this time anyway. I’m not suggesting we run off and get married or even that we jump in bed together. I just feel like it’s ridiculous to try and stay on the “friends” side of some invisible line if we both know we feel more than that. And as for the anxiety - I know how I feel with him; safe, loved, secure, happy. How can these things be wrong?

He shook his head at the thoughts. It didn’t matter how he felt about it. If Blaine didn’t want to be a part of it, there was no relationship to question. He’d just hope they could at least be civil and somewhat comfortable working together until the show ended. Of course, that would probably entail not avoiding Blaine backstage. He sighed. It was never easy.

February 22, 2020

Blaine had spent the past several days thinking over this situation with Kurt. He wanted to take care of him and look out for him, but he couldn’t help but see that Kurt didn’t seem to like it. Was he really doing something wrong? He wanted them to be together, sure, he’d wanted nothing more than Kurt since he was 16, but he was so scared of what could go wrong. Still, he’d started to see that maybe he was doing the “I’m going to make decisions for you because I think I know better” thing he and Kurt had complained about in so many stories.

Am I really just trying to play a savior? And if I don’t talk to him about it, how can we know if we’re on the same page. God, I’m an idiot.

As expected, Kurt was quietly checking over costumes when Blaine got to the theatre late that afternoon. Blaine hovered in the doorway for a moment, wondering exactly what he was going to say, and admiring Kurt’s dedication and focus as he always had. He’d realized that morning that he was probably a bit ridiculous for thinking Kurt didn’t know exactly what he wanted and what he was ready for. He’d never questioned himself before.

Feb 24, 2011

That party with the Glee club had been more than Blaine expected in several ways, but now, when he was confused and searching, was not the time for Kurt to rant about bisexuals actually being gays in the closet. Blaine looked across the table, surprised by Kurt’s vehemence over this little date with Rachel. “I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it’s actually a lot more confusing for me. You’re 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we can’t all be so lucky.”

Kurt scoffed, “Yeah, I have had a lot of luck Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me.”

“And why did he do that?”

“Because he didn’t like who I was.”

“So sort of exactly what you’re saying to me now, isn’t it.” Kurt tilted his head and looked at Blaine with a confused and questioning expression. It was disconcerting. Blaine felt confused enough without adding Kurt’s questions and issues to the mix. “I am searching, okay. I’m just trying to figure out who I am. And for you, of all people, to get down on me for that? I didn’t think that’s who you were. I’ll see ya. I’d say ‘bye’ but I wouldn’t want to make you angry.”

Blaine tugged on the strap of his bag as he made his way outside as quickly as possible. He was grateful for the chill that hit him because it helped counter the sudden sting in his eyes. He couldn’t believe Kurt, his best friend, Kurt, had been so harsh and quick to judge him. It hurt. He could have understood Kurt questioning him, would have actually appreciated the chance to talk to Kurt about his feelings.

That kiss with Rachel had shocked him. He hadn’t gone into it expecting it to be unpleasant. Kissing feels nice. It has potential to feel nice with anyone. But after the first moment or two, when Rachel stopped smiling and leaned into the kiss more, he felt a stirring in his belly that was a total surprise. His breath caught for a second as their lips nearly parted, but he wasn’t ready to stop yet. He’d moved his hand to her head without even thinking about it, holding her just a tiny bit closer. Maybe it was a little more than nice.

When they pulled apart, he wasn’t sure what to say or do, and was actually kind of grateful when she suggested singing. That, he could do. Singing was much less confusing.

 

February 22, 2020

Bringing himself back to the present, Blaine finally stepped inside and tapped on the doorframe to get Kurt’s attention. If he didn’t know they were both nervous as hell, he would have laughed at the way Kurt’s head popped up from behind a rack of costumes. It reminded him vaguely of the meerkats at the zoo.

“Blaine! Um, hi.” He looked around quickly, and Blaine could tell he was probably wondering if there was an easy way out that would let him avoid what had to be an awkward conversation. He didn’t want it to be, though. He hated when things were uncomfortable between them.

“Hi.” He’d been glad that they had still managed to be friendly and polite and work well together during the past 10 days, but it was time to take it up a step. “Um, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I thought we could talk? I mean, I want you to talk to me, but I’ve been thinking about things, and, well, I guess I was hoping maybe you’d be okay with me talking for just a minute?”

Kurt just nodded, and Blaine let out a deep sigh, trying to calm himself.

“Okay, so, I guess, to start with, you were right about me. I have no place in saying what you should or shouldn’t do at any time. You know yourself, Kurt. You always have, and I’m and idiot to question that. I’m kind of in awe of it, actually, have been since we met.” Blaine had moved further into the room and was fidgeting with the plastic container in his hands. “I think I’m trying to look out for you, and really, you don’t need it becau…”

“Sometimes maybe I do.” Kurt’s words were so quiet, Blaine almost wasn’t sure he’d heard him right.

“Sorry, what?”

Kurt shook his head, closing his eyes and swallowing hard before responding. “It’s nothing. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” He opened his eyes again and motioned for Blaine to continue, but he still seemed a little shaken up and suddenly Blaine couldn’t focus on anything else.

“It’s not nothing, Kurt. What’s wrong? Do you need something? Am I upsetting you, or… or triggering something?”

The wry chuckle he got in response didn’t answer any of his questions, so he tried to wait, reminding himself that Kurt sometimes took a moment to gather his thoughts. Thankfully, his patience was quickly rewarded.

“I had a rough morning. I went to run some errands and ended up trapped in an elevator for about 40 minutes.” He paused, but Blaine had a feeling it was more than a frustrating delay, so he set down his container and stepped closer to Kurt, wanting to offer comfort but unsure what would be welcome. “There was one other person in there with me, and I don’t know, he could have been a bike messenger or something, but he just, something about him made me uncomfortable. I was doing okay, I was thinking over my to-do lists and checking a couple things on my phone, and I was mentally repeating my mantras and I thought I was doing okay, but apparently I looked nervous.”

Blaine stepped forward again, reaching out and offering a comforting hand on Kurt’s arm. When Kurt smiled briefly, he knew it was welcome, and waited to hear the rest.

“He suddenly turned to me and said I looked thirsty. He offered me his water bottle.” Blaine heard the quiver, but chose not to comment. Kurt chuckled slightly, but it sounded watery and let Blaine know just how emotional Kurt was over this. “As if I would drink after a complete stranger anyway, but somehow, even though it’s really not at all the same situation, it triggered my anxiety, reminding me so vividly of the drinks I had that night, the possibility that it could happen again… it was humiliating, Blaine. I – I suddenly started questioning all the progress I’ve made, all the things I thought I was okay with.” He paused, taking slow, deliberate breaths, and Blaine just squeezed slightly where he was holding Kurt’s forearm, wishing he knew just the right thing to say.

Before he could say what would probably have been the exact wrong thing, Kurt looked up and met his eyes with more intensity than he’d seen in a while. “And then I thought of you, of how you’ve helped me when I was nervous, or, you know, panicking. I thought of our little place by the lake, you know, just outside of Lima? And I just pictured myself sitting there with you, and just focused on that because it was a calm thought. And then finally they got the elevator working, and I came straight here. I mean, yeah, I wanted to get away from other things, get to a place that feels safe, but also, I was hoping to see you, to explain something…”

Blaine couldn’t have missed the apprehension in Kurt’s eyes, or the determination in the set of his jaw, but he was determined not to jump to any more conclusions. “I’m listening.”

Finally! I think I said the right thing. Kurt visibly relaxed and smiled slightly, then took a deep breath before he started talking again.

“I love you, Blaine, and I know we’ve been through a lot, and I’m still amazed that you want anything to do with me after the way I acted, how I shut everyone out, I acted like an idiot, and yet I still seem to have a chance with you.” Blaine was forcing himself to listen closely, but felt slightly stunned at just how abruptly and confidently Kurt had declared his love. He couldn’t deny the flip flopping he still got in his stomach when he heard Kurt say those words to him, especially after all the time he thought he wouldn’t hear it again.

“Of course you… I mean, not just a chance, Kurt. I’m a sure thing.” He smiled, and then heard his words again and tried to revise them. “Not, like, a ‘sure thing’ like in bed, I mean not that I wouldn’t, that, if you, when we, but I mean otherwise, like…”

“Blaine.”

He felt Kurt’s hand cover his and automatically shifted to entwine their fingers, pleased when he noted that Kurt didn’t resist.

“Yes?”

“I know what you mean, and I’m glad. So, I talked to Tom about this, about how I just want to move on with my life. I’d gotten stuck in such a deep hole of self-hatred for so long, and to be honest, now I could easily get pissed at myself for causing so much trouble, but I’m trying to break that cycle. And for me, right now, moving on with my life includes dealing with my feelings, and Blaine, one of my feelings lately has been that I’m tired of having to remind myself that it’s not okay to touch you or kiss you or be held by you because those aren’t things friends do. I love you, and yeah, apparently, I still have some issues to be worked out and that elevator incident will be fun to address with Tom next time, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel safer and more comfortable with you than I do anywhere else including alone in my home. It doesn’t change the way we feel, the way we’ve always felt about each other. And when I said I wanted to be with you, I didn’t mean ‘let’s have tons of kinky sex’ or ‘let’s go get married tomorrow’. I meant ‘let’s go out together’ and maybe ‘let’s stop lying to ourselves about our feelings’ in a ‘let’s start slow and we’ll know when it’s time to take it further just like we did last time’ kind of way. But you know what, Blaine? If you’ve changed your mind, or you don’t feel that way, I just need your friendship at least, okay? Please don’t pret-”

Blaine leaned forward and very gently quieted Kurt with a kiss. Chaste, especially for them, it still set his lips tingly and just the tiniest of flutters in his gut. As he pulled back, he couldn’t help but smile at the wide, blinking expression on Kurt’s face as he slowly let out a smile in response.

“Is that-?”

“Yes. Yes, Kurt, I want to take you out to dinner and kiss you goodnight, and I’ve already told you before that you have my friendship no matter what. You were my best friend in school, and I ached whenever I thought about you while we were apart. I can’t promise I won’t ever try to take care of you, even when you don’t think you need it, and I can’t promise I won’t do more stupid things, but I can promise to remember how very strong you are, and that you know your own heart so very well.”

Blaine refused to acknowledge that his eyes were watering up, but thankfully he didn’t need to think about it much longer because Kurt was kissing him. Kissing Kurt still short-circuited his brain somehow, making the rest of the world fade away. He felt a gentle squeeze of their joined hands and reach up with his free hand to cup around the back of Kurt’s neck. He kept it gentle, just enjoying the fact he could, that it was okay to kiss Kurt. He broke the kiss as he grinned, nearly chuckling at himself as he felt about as giddy as he had after their very first kiss.

 


End file.
